to wonder why my Mum doesn`t want to help me more?

[OnEdge]

I have a 3 year old, and 1 year old and am 32 weeks pregnant. My mum lives a 5 minute drive away and doesn`t seem to want to help me out.

She does heve my 3 year old most Friday nights, this started out as a plan to allow my husband and I to go out. we dont go out anymore, but Mum still wants my daughter round so that they can see her. I am really greatful for this, dont get me wrong.

Appart from that, nothing. She is mid sixties and in good health and is retired. If I ask her occasionally she will baby sit for a few hours so that I can work, but she always lets me know that she is doing me a huge favour and isnt really that keen. Once she referred to this as being lumbered

She knows that I am starting to feel it with this pregnancy, I am 39, but no offers to come round and help.

AIBU to be disapointed? Or is it my job to get on with it and not expect help?

I agree with that too. Self-sacrifice is very dangerous for relationships.

I know only a handful have said they won't help their children when they become parents, but a lot have said 'you chose to have them, they're your responsibility'. If they believe that, are they not then more likely to say the same to their children?

I believe that when I gave birth to my children, I made a commitment to them, that doesn't just end when they get to 18. I will always be their mother, and will always be there for them when they need me. It is as simple as that for me and, thankfully, for my parents, my PILs and my mums parents.

Onedge - does your mum 'approve' of you having 3 children? I just ask because I have 3 small dc's and know that looking after all of them would be too much really for either set of grandparents and they're all fit and healthy.

Perhaps she's backing off a bit now because she doesn't want to end up looking after all 3 of them.

To be honest - you do have a fair amount of family help compared to lots of people - one night a week and 3 hours a week is pretty good I think.

I found the pregnancy with my 3rd worse than when I actually had her but I hate pregnancy and just felt totally exhausted all the time.

Just take things easy - get a cleaner, do your shopping online and cut down on social stuff - good luck!

As an aside - I do think my parents generation are generally speaking pretty lucky. They are benefitting from rising property prices/good pensions/early retirement (ok - generalising a lot) but seem to want to do less for grandchildren than previous generations. I do agree with MrsWobble that this is rather sad.

The way i look at it is i will never ever want to wipe my mum or mil's bum so it suits me that neither of them ever offer to look after my children, i won't feel obliged that way myself.

I am disapointed that she doesnt offer to help me out. She is my Mum.

I am certain that when my children are older and start their families I will be really excited about helping them out so long as I am physically capable.

My Mum has even booked a weekend away two weeks before my due date. She was going to look after the children while I was giving birth, and she knows that there is a chance of this one coming early because the last two both did.

What about your Dad?
HAve you asked him, why does it have to be your mum?

"However, I think part of raising children responsibly, is about fostering independence precisely so that they DON'T see the world as owing them a living. A sense of automatic entitlement is actually quite a childish thing. Being an adult means accepting responsibility over your own life and your decisions."

I don't see how hoping that the people who love you will help you to do your job well is the same as thinking the world owes you a living?

My DH and I work really, really hard. We earn as much money as we can, without having to use paid childcare. But it's not enough in today's day and age. I don't expect financial help from the government, and I don't expect it from anyone, and I'm eternally grateful for the help I do get from our parents, but I think that it is a sad world when it is not a given that parents continue helping their children when they become adults.

Who do they think is going to be looking after them when they are very old?

I think many of us will always be there for our children when they need us.

But does that mean having their children full time so they can work?

Or for some hours/overnight when they fancy a break?

Or helping when it is actually needed?

OK, OP, if you aren't expecting your mum to help by taking your children off your hands, then what exactly are you asking for help with, that you couldn't get from elsewhere?

It sounded from the OP as though you wanted babysitting so you could rest, or practical help with housework, or ironing, or something like that, because you're pregnant and have small children.

All of those things are possible. The thing is, you have to outsource them and pay someone to do them. If you don't want to pay, or can't afford to, then you do them yourself. I had a new born, a toddler, and a pre schooler on my last maternity leave, and as I wasn't on my normal full pay, I had to cancel my cleaner, and consequently did all the looking after children and housework myself. It's tiring, but all perfectly do-able.

"The way i look at it is i will never ever want to wipe my mum or mil's bum so it suits me that neither of them ever offer to look after my children, i won't feel obliged that way myself. "

Caring for your parents when they're old does not mean having to wipe their bums! It means ensuring they are being cared for by kind, well trained people. It means visiting them a lot and making sure they have lots of company. It means helping them with their shopping and housework.

What a sad attitude to have 'I won't accept help so I don't have to help in return'. People with that attitude are what is majorly wrong with our country.

Sorry OP but your sense of entitlement seems to be increasing. So your mother has booked a weekend away two weeks before your due date? Why shouldn't she? Are you expecting her to put her life on hold and not make any commitments for several weeks before or after your due date?

How do you think parents manage if all the grandparents are dead/ill/abroad? Or still working full time?

Seems to me there are solutions to the situation but you don't wish to choose them (or pay for them!!)

Oh FFS !!!

I dont expect free childcare.

I dont need practical help.

I am self sufficiant financially and work hard every weekend - 12 hours Saturday and 12 hours Sunday.

I would just like some support from my Mum who will sit on her arse and watch me struggle with the kids. Strangers in the street will offer me more help that she does.

She OFFERED for me to have a sleep. She OFFERS to look after my daughter once a week. I dont need her to, I dont expect her to.

My Dad is limited with his health that is why I dont expect it from him, also he is much more supportive than Mum.

She summed it up on a recent holiday when she said "I am exhausted just watching you"
That says it all.

OnEdge - I am reading your posts as not saying 'I can't cope' but 'this is exhausting, why doesn't my mum, who, presumably loves me, want to help me more? I don't expect her to, I just can't understand why she doesn't.'

violethill - these things are do-able, but it's nice sometimes to be mothered and it's sad to have to pay for that. When you are pg/have small children you hope that your mum would see that you could do with some help. You would be sad if your own mother doesn't feel that she wants to do that for you.

YANBU to be disappointed.

But even with what you've got you're very lucky.

We have one 7-year-old, one 4-year-old and a 1-year-old.

No help or support ever because we do not live near family.

It's been very, very hard.

I wish I could have started younger so could have had greater age gaps, but life doesn't work like that.

YANBU and YABU.

YANBU because I would have thought most grandparents would at least help out when their child really needs them ie OP now!!

YABU because they are your children and you chose to have them, have them close together and have three! I have 3 myself BTW. #

FWIW I have very little help, no family of my own and MILs live 4 hours away, when they do come they are helpful (as another poster said I pay for this in other ways!) I do sympathise.

You are contradicting yourself now.

She clearly doesn't 'sit on her arse and watch you struggle' as you have admitted she has your eldest child every week! And she offered to look after the kids every afternoon so you could have a two hour rest! Only it wasn't exactly on your terms because after 45 mins she brought the baby up to you because he was crying! And then you had the nerve to tell us she should have been able to settle him because she 'knew how!' No doubt if she'd kept him downstairs crying, that would have been wrong too.

Poor woman. She has worked hard, and is now retired with a husband with limited health, she already does regular childcare, and you come on here complaining that she doesn't do more!

I agree with everything Mrs Wobble has written, and feel very sorry for you, OnEdge. I think we do have a right to expect the people around us to help us - after all, we'd do the same for them! What's wrong with that? Isn't that what society is?

I'm still working, have one grand daughter and another two GCs on the way and a 15 year old son still at home. My children and their spouses all help me as much as they can and I help them. I feel enormously privileged to live near enough to all of them to take my full share of childcare and to offer them any support they need. I know just how hard it is, and like Mrs W don't want them to be stressed out and overworked.

If we all share the work, we all enjoy it, and it's not too much for any one person to bear.

OnEdge - I really do wish you well with your new baby. Maybe your mother is tired, as everyone has said. She's the loser if she doesn't chip in now.

You've already been given lots of good advice and the best comfort I can give you is to remind you that this DOES NOT LAST FOREVER. The one huge advantage of having them all close together is that it will be over before you know it. You will survive!

Trust me Mrswobble it's not like i'm turning down the help, more a case of they've done bugger all for me so i won't feel bad doing the minimum when the time comes for them to need help.
I've spent thousands over the years paying for help that frankly most people would expect from their parents, £500 for a night nanny when i was in hospital giving birth to DC2 for example, MIL was actually in the house that night but refused to be responsible.
People reap what they sow.

YANBU. I have to agree with MrsWobble. It's really depressing to have the grandparents back off in this way. I don't think the Op sounds like she has a sense of entitlement atall, more that she is sad that the emotional support is not forthcoming.

My MIL lives close to us but she always states how she will never have her grandson for a day. She is however, very keen to take him to Art Galleries, museums when he is older! We have never asked her to do either. Equally, we do a lot for her in that she has loads of friends who she wants my partner and son to see when they visit her and we will oblige most weekends even though these meet ups are fairly dull. I persuade my DP to do it as it means alot to my MIL but sometimes I do think it would be nice of her to babysit so we could go out just the once!

I am dismayed that she has booked a holiday just before I am due to give birth. It is her role to look after the other two for a few hours, she said she would.

This is not supportive. I hope she goes away and misses the birth now, that would realy piss her off, but serve her bloody right.

Also remember SHE cant have it both ways either. She is the first one to parade her grand kids up and downa t family parties etc all proud.

I sympathise with the OP. I just do. I have a mother who adores her grandchildren, but will very rarely put herself out for them. Eg she came on holiday with us last year, with the idea that it would be less knackering if there were two of us, but then did very little to actually help. Never helped with baths or meals, and lay on the beach all day reading the Daily Mail. When I asked her if she would keep an eye on the DCs for half an hour so I could have a break, she rolled her eyes and said 'I've just put suncream on'. (Actually she makes me laugh sometimes when she's like this)

But the point is that what's annoying is that SHE thinks she's being helpful. She'll say 'shall I come to their swimming class to help out?' when actually it just becomes a 'royal visit'. I wouldn't mind, if the offer of help didn't just evaporate. But she thinks she is being helpful!

One reason why I get pissed off - and sympathise with the OP - is that my mum regularly dumped us with grandparents so she could get on with stuff (or get rid of us!) and when I was first pregnant talked misty-eyed about how she's love to have them to stay when they're older. Maybe that's the key - when they're older. By then I will look like an old crone, but there you go.

The 'some people don't have grandparents around' argument is irrelevant - yes, lots of people have no one to turn to but the OP is talking about a grandmother who is nearby. Different thing altogether.

The thing I've found most helpful is to try to not build up resentment, and not to have any expectations in spite of promises of help. She loves them and is the only grandparent they've got - and that's more than a lot of people have, I know.

If your dad is limited with his health is your mum taking care of him? Have you ever offered to help her?

And I'm not sure that strangers would offer to care for your 3yo one night a week or for you to have a sleep.

I think that you are expecting too much. It's possible that your mum senses that the more she gives the more you will expect and it's possibly scaring her off. It sounds as though she is willing to offer help when she can but it seems a bit as though you consider not enough.

I have found that if you expect stuff then you end up disappointed lots of times and don't appreciate the help you do get as you just expect it. If you don't expect and just get on with things then when help is offered it can be a blessed relief.

OnEdge

I have felt as you do with regards to my own mother. In my case the writing was on the wall for me a long time ago; she once told me that she would never look after any children that I have. This woman has stuck to her word. I have been advised to see that as, "well its their loss if they don't help out" but the sad thing is that I don't think such unsupportive grandparents do see it like that at all. BTW my mum is in good health but has no friends to speak of.

I once remember watching the Christmas play at Infants, I gave her plenty of notice and asked her to attend but truth is she did not want to so she did not. My Dad is the same; these people now retirees have a set routine and they don't like it being interupted. I don't bother asking her anymore; I use a company called Sitters instead and ask friends to help out when needed. She would rather clean my (childfree and younger) brother's showhome of a house, she visits there at least once a week.