Is friend being selfish for.................................

[Julia76]

not taking peanuts off of the menu for her birthday party when my ds2(8) is anaphylactic to peanuts????????
She is aware of the seriousness of his allergy. We have been friends for a long time. I asked her if she could ask the venue not to put peanuts out but she insists that they will not consider taking them off of the menu, as it is a set menu. Although she had not actually asked them, she was assuming this. Surely this is my friend who is being awkward & not the people doing the food because as long as they get their money would they really be bothered about not putting a few bowls of peanuts out? All my family & other friends always make sure that no peanuts are present if invited to a party, as they would not put him at risk & I feel she is being selfish. I feel like "why should I bother even going to the party if my so called friend obviousaly is not bothered about the risk to my ds. Any opinions. Is it me being unresaonable or is my friends being selfish?

Hi all, thanks for the recent comments will reply to them a little later when I get time to read through them properly.Thanks
Julia

Magicmummy, its nice of you doing that so that your SIN can enjoy the day aswell. I think my friend obviously is not too bothered as to if my ds or us are present oitherwise she would do the same. My god... How can they not have realised there was not nuts in "walnut & Pistachio icecream"!!!(shock)

I am not going tonight & not heard back frpm friend. Thought she may have got message & decided to reconsider but do not expect that.
However I did ring up the venue where my friend is having their wedding reception & the guy was totally cool about not selling packets of peanuts. He said he would put them out of sight & if anyone asked for any, he would tell them for that night he was not selling them. Thing is what should I do now? Should I tell my mate that I rang them & made out I was wanting to book a party & that due to what he said they would be fine ifs he asked for them not to sell them at the wedding reception & if she can not be bothered t ring them , shall I suggest ringing myself, or would you not bother going if she wont go out of her way to ask?

I would ask the bride to be, softly softly, if she would mind if the bar didn't sell peanuts on the day, and gauge the reaction, if she says "of course I don't mind!" you may then offer to take the worry from her hands by taking care of that yourself.

I think that what is important is to make clear that you are suggesting this but, being her "special day" you would respect her decision. If she says she wants the bowls of peanuts out, proceed as suggested in this thread. If other parts of the menu include nuts as ingredients, I would take food for DS with me as long as the risk of transcontamination was minimal, but wouldn't ask about changing the menu in a wedding as this may have been decided, agreed and perhaps payed for since months ago. In that case you can kindly excuse yourselves or go without the children.

Would that help?

Julia76 - firslty YANBU at all to avoid your 'friends' party like the plague. I'm afraid in your shoes I would be reconsidering my friendhsip with her, it is totally unreasonable to ignore a request like yours when it poses such a serious threat to ds's health. I mean fgs there are dozens of alternative snacks that could be provided, that I'm sure the venue would be only too happy to exchange if they were aware of the situaiton (implication here of course being that I doubt very much that she asked them to).
I feel so sorry for you that somebody so close doesn't understand or care enough to think about it seriously....v selfish.

As far as the wedding venue stuff, I'd be inclined to not say anything about you calling and just stick with your initial plan of not attending. I'm afraid them conceeding to not have bowls of peanuts isn't really anywhre near acommodating you or your child and shows again very little understanding, compassion or care on their part.
Awful to have to say this but i'd concentrate on what sounds like your lovely caring family and the friends you have who are willing to accept and accomodate your child's allergy. Ditch the rest.

I too have ds1 with egg and nut allergies (partic cashew and pistachio and less so peanut) and ds2 with milk allergy so I do know how infuriating it can be when people just don't 'get it'

weddings are very difficult occasions and I think you need to be more relaxed about it. They have made concessions to your child's allergy. It's reasonable to ask if they'd mind the bar not selling nuts (you can say you've heard that has happened before or other bars have been willing to do that and that you'd ask if it's OK with them). The cross contamination risk then reduces and you can reduce it further by taking wipes and making sure your child wipes their hands before eating. If you still feel it's too big a risk go without your child.

We have to bring our children up to live in a world with cross contamination risks. You reduce them where you can but you musn't make your child over anxious or deprive them of too many life experiences. They are more at risk crossing the road.

With your friend's 30th she probably had spent a lot of money on the party and was worrying about how much food there would be without nuts there. I think she should have asked them to swap/ take nuts off the menu and I'd cool the friendship but do try and see it from her viewpoint too.

You have all given some sound advice & I have now got to decide what would be the best thing to do now with regards to the wedding. I did not go to the 30th party last night. I kind of felt guilty that I did not go as we have been friends since we were 15. 1 of my 3 closest friends growing up & since but I keep reminding myself the resaon why I decided not to go in the first place & my ds comes first as do my other dc b4 anyone. Its sad that somebody so close doesn't understand or care enough to think about it seriously Smoogie, but she obviouly was not a proper friend in the first place & I wish I had realised this b4 now but I have now & she will no longer be in my life. I definately will concentrate on my family & friends that really care. One of my sister's(big) was so furious when I asked her advice on this that if she had been with me whilst I was on the phone to my "friend" that she would have probably given her a piece of her mind! My neices & nephews (youngest nephew is 3) are more grown up & understanding then some adults. They all, even my youngest nephew always checks that my ds can have something before offering it to him. My family have nothing in their house that could course a problem if he we were to visit & we do not live in each others pockets. I know that were my family are concerned & even some of their friends(not even my mates) always accomadate & I do not have to ask for the party food/dinner etc to be peanut/peanut trace free.

Where my other mate is concerned I think I will probably ask her again about not selling nuts behind the bar & see her responce & and then go from there, but I will let you know what the resonce is & then what I will decide. I do think that I will push her down the list of less important friends from now on though as a real friend would have no problems with what I am asking............Thank you all again & I will keep you posted as to what my other mate says.......

Isabel: you make a good point in saying that
I should make it clear that I am suggesting this (re asking bar about not selling nuts") but, being her "special day" that I would respect her decision. Then I will go from there.Thanks all again.

Does he react to food he ahs eaten, or food thats in the room (it can vary can't it?). If its just he ahseaten and its a wedding i'd take a lunchbox and take him along- otherwise well, you just can't can you? It's not worth it/

FWIW I got amrried at a big posh venue with set menus and I didnt mention my intolerances to the Hotel but Dh did (and they're not life threatening) and without beinga sked they rejigged all my meals just to suit me! there are poeple out there who will help!

First time he had a reaction (& a nasty reaction)was after eating crunchy nut corned fakes. Then when he went in to anaphylaxis shock in 2005 he did not touch or eat a peanut. We think it was caused by cross contamination. I know some experience it from just being in the same room but I feel it was more then likely he touched a surface or someone who had been eating peanuts as there was lots of bowls of peanut around & lots of people eating them. but I jsut do not really know.

In that case I'd say sod it, a childs life has to be worth much more than a wedding. And frankly am saddened that other people don't seem to agree!

Thanks peachy..... Sometimes you know deep down what you should do but jst need reasuring that it is the right thing to do.

Julia really sorry to hear your friends attitude - it stinks. I would have to stay away but I would make it very clear my reasons for doing so

I'm shocked by your so-called friend and your cousin (the wedding where your son had anaphylatic shock and that side of the family were too dozy to realise how serious it was).

Bloody hell, I thought any reasonable person would be able to understand 'my child is allergic to peanuts and the allergy is so severe he's even had a life-threatening reaction to touching a person who has eaten nuts. So we can't go to any function where nuts are served or used as an ingredient'.

Idiots. What sort of moron insists their own convenience is worth risking the life of an 8yo child for?

"Idiots. What sort of moron insists their own convenience is worth risking the life of an 8yo child for? "

Edam... you would be surprised about the number... I'm at the moment dithering whether to let DS go to a playdate where the mum has served almond cakes and bread with nutella without realising they could be a problem for DS. Even when DH mentioned about it, she was not that bothered... [if there was a rolls-eyes- emoticon..]

Julia, try not to think more about it, you have had a bad time already making this decision, please don't extend that bad time by trying to figure out what is going on in her mind. Time will tell, anyway

Oh... and more on the moron type... the main reason DS is not going to go to the school to the side of my house is that they find it unreasonable to ask other parents to send no nuts in packed lunches, even when they have several children carrying an epipen in the premises

Your friend was selfish and it would be understandable if the friendship cooled. BUT you say she's made an effort in the past - do you really want to totally dump an old friend for one mistake? Doesn't an old friendship rate a second chance?

A little girl in my sons class had a 3 day stay in hospital after eating crisp out of a bowl that had had peanuts in it and then been refilled with crisps.

I think at the very least your friend is being very thoughtless.

We make a point of NO NUTS for all partys and checking all other things for nut ingredient's.

Hi all,Thank you for your comments. At least I know that I am not the one being unreasonable but my so called friends. I have not heard from my friend who's 3oth party I did not attend, so I assume I will not here from her again. Tatt, I had tried to see things from her point of view but I still can not understand why it was such a big deal for her not to have peanuts. She told me she spent loads on the venue, food etc & I really do not think it has anything to do with really wanting peanuts there or a "not having enough food issue", I think it is more a case of wanting to be in control, the person who decides what she has or does not have & I can understand that as it is her party but I was not asking her to totally change what food she has, just peanuts. If its never been an issue b4 why now?! Yes she has accomadated at previous parties, although thinking back the last party she had, we was not invited as she said it was just close family, however I had heard from another friend (who is also friends with her) that she was invited. So maybe its an excuse to cool things with our friendship. We do not live in the same town but only 5/10 mins down the road & we are both very busy so therefore not seen one another as regualrly as we used to but I put that down to being busy, maybe she just no longer wants to be friends. The annoyng thing is that I asked her about the food she was going to have at her 30th when she dropped the invite round 3 weeks before. I reminded her about my ds not being able to be around peanuts etc & I told her that I could not risk taking my ds if any peanuts part of the buffett & she said "oh yeh" . Thats how it was left as she had to dash off but I just assumed she wouldnt have them there as she said there would be a bouncy castle there for the kids "so bring them along" so I sssumed dhe wanted my ds's there. SHe obviously really wasnt too bothered whether he was there or not, otherwise she would have gone out of her way to not have the peanuts.

Tatt, If I see her at anytime I will speak to her if she approaches me (although others would say Im mad) but that is the way I am, I would not beable to ignore her if I saw her, as thats just not me & although I am a very stuborn person & believe I can not forgive or forget easily, I have one b4 & maybe in time when I have cooled off a little I may talk to her & make peace with her, but I certainly will not be going out of my way to be best buddies with her anymore & she certainly is not the friend I thought she was, so I will not be involving her in my life anylonger. But if I were to see her whilst out shopping or such like I would acknowledge her but would not delve in to conversation with her.......

Tatt... you there? Or anyone else . Sorry more advice....
Had a reply from my friend who is getting married. First email was quite positive & i thought she was being quite accomadating. She said she was fine about asking the bar not to sell peanuts(as I asked her if she would ask) she then went on to say " its not a problem helping out if it means that you will be able to bring the boys, after all it is a family event.
She then emailed me the next day with completly different attitude. She has decided to now have favour with almonds. Which is fine as he is not allergic to these, only peanuts & the cake may have traces of nut but this is fine, I dont expect them to not have a traditional wedding cake & I will just make sure he doesnt have any, usually doesnt contain peanuts anyway.

Then went on to say"We feel that we have tried as best we can to make the venue as friendly as we can for but i do have to add that there is going to be traces of nuts there whether the club do not sell peanuts on the night or not. Friend(person doing buffett) cannot guarentee that some of the food will be nut free and she cannot change the buffet just for (myds).
You really are going to be bringing him to our wedding at your own risk; but also he must be exposed to these fears alot of other places he may visit, such as Macci/d's, school, sweet shops etc.
We really want to see you all at the our wedding, but we are stressing that we are not going to be held resposible for taking ill, as we have told you the risks are there.
Her attitude has gone from one extreme to the next. I now feel like why the hell should I bother going. Tatt, or anyone with an opinion on this. what do you feel I should do or what would you do in this position?

it sounds to me like your friend is now just panicking about her wedding and doesn't want to feel responsible if anything happens to your ds.
she hasn't gone back on anything she has promised to do, she probably has just had the wind put up her by the venue/caterers who have said they cannot guarantee anything.

weddings are a stressful time - i wouldn't take that last email personally.

my ds is severly allergic to eggs fish and nuts. We are going to a family wedding in august and they have gone out of their way to make sure it is safe for ds.