Is friend being selfish for.................................

[Julia76]

not taking peanuts off of the menu for her birthday party when my ds2(8) is anaphylactic to peanuts????????
She is aware of the seriousness of his allergy. We have been friends for a long time. I asked her if she could ask the venue not to put peanuts out but she insists that they will not consider taking them off of the menu, as it is a set menu. Although she had not actually asked them, she was assuming this. Surely this is my friend who is being awkward & not the people doing the food because as long as they get their money would they really be bothered about not putting a few bowls of peanuts out? All my family & other friends always make sure that no peanuts are present if invited to a party, as they would not put him at risk & I feel she is being selfish. I feel like "why should I bother even going to the party if my so called friend obviousaly is not bothered about the risk to my ds. Any opinions. Is it me being unresaonable or is my friends being selfish?

Just hope she never has to deal with a child with a life threatening allergy having an anaphylactic shock

or dips. cheese biscuits could have come into contact with nuts. Lovely cucumber, celery and carrot sticks with gorgeous dips

i think she is being quite obtuse by insisting they are part of a menu

as mumof3 said, they are hardly a delicious starter!

don't go, take DS out somehwere nice instead

i think she is being selfish. who needs nuts anyway? party wont be ruined without them! (although i cant imagine why anyone would eat them, i sodding hate the things).

would just removing the nuts be enough though? wouldn't she have to get the whole menu checked out? maybe that's what she thinks and just cant be arsed. i know nothing about allergies btw.

either way yanbu.

My dh has been saying the same as what you all are in the she is no friend & he has already refused to go. I also told her that people will not be bothered if no peanuts & I was hoping she would tell me that she would tell them she didnt want them but she did not & this has hurt me considering I have been friends with her for 15 years. The thing is when she has had parties for her dd at her home in the past she has always taken thisi n to account & told me tonight that if she was doing the food she would exclude them. These are all excuses right? She could easily not have them out, as Franny&zoey said remove them if necessary.
SHe is not married (vics) Arrgh its so frustrating.

Why not do as I suggested and phone the venue yourself?

I would just forget it, she seems to be making a point of who gets to decide in her party. A selfish attitude to take anyway because... she gets her peanuts at the cost of risking your child's life.

I wouldn't go, and I would downgrade her from friend to aquaintance.
Anybody who has the option and decides to risk my son's life is not my friend.

Ooh, bow out now. She will be the mother of all bridezillas when the time comes and if you've pre-empted her expectations by not going to her 30th, she won't be so demanding about her wedding!

Cunning, eh?

Thank you all for your views. They are much appreciated & you have all made me decide not to go. I kind of already decided but I also thought maybe it was me being unreasonable as I have had another friend recently also who is getting married on the 28th July with the same attitude & I then thought "hold on maybe its me being unreasonable not them". My other friend who is getting married however, well her friend who is doing the food, said she will not put peanuts out but said "we agreed last night that to make the food totally allergin free for one person/child would not be taken into account;but of course if 10 or more of the guests had nut allergies we would change the buffet to cater for this, but "friend" did say that she would try her hardest not to purchase or make any foods for the buffet that may upset ds so that he can of course be invloved on the day" We have decided that my ds will not be attending her wedding either. At least this other firend of mine is trying to accomadate in some way but we will still leave him at home. Its such a shame that people have these attitudes. If the boot was on the other foot ay..............

Isabel:Vics: all,
Do you think I should phone my so called friend & tell her we will not be attending & why? Or just not contact her or turn up?

If it was something that someone didn't like then i can see your friend's point of view BUT fgs- your son has a life threatening allergy. She really isn't being a friend at all if she would risk his life- not a silly little thing but his life!!!!!!!!

I'd ring her and tell her or if you can't do it over the phone then email her or write to her

Thanks pixie. I could ring her,. I think this is better then emailing her or writing. However she will probably wonder why I did not tell her this before. When she said she refused to take them off the menu I told her he wouldnt be going then as I would not take the risk. At this time I should have told her I would not be either & why but did not. Mainly becasue I thought it was me being the unreasonable one.

Yes loopy. Agree. Thank you very much.

I will ring her later when she has finished work & up date you as to her reaction. Im very disapointed in her, as we have been close mates for years & she is also 1 of my youngest ds's godmother to. I just cant believe her attitude as she has always checked ingredients when doing food herself at parties, checked what easter eggs etc he can have. I do not understand why her attitude has changed.

We have gone to 2 parties recently. My cousins wedding & she made sure the caters knew that there was no peanuts or anything containing them. We also went to a party a few weeks ago & it was not an issue. She went out of her way to make sure it was a safe as possible. However, My cousin had a party in March 05, the same cousin I was just talking about, & it was at this party that my ds came in to contact with peanut oil through cross contamination which resulted in him going in to Anaphylactic shock. They had bowls of peanuts everywhere & if we had known they was going to we would not have gone. Even though he was seriously ill & rushed to hospital I think my family (ie, cousin's aunt/uncle etc)were ignarant of it & we had no support from them or even a call the next day to see how he was doing. They all just moaned about my family leaving the party early apparently, as my family(my sisters & their families)left after the ambulance took him to hospital, as obviously know 1 was in the mood to carry on partying after such an incident when there nephew/grandson was taken to hospital. My parents followed the ambulance & met me at the hospital as my dh could not attend the party as he was working so I was on my own. That was a terrible time as I was in a hospital 2 hrs away from my home town. My dh 2 & half hrs drive away. It was terrible for him too not being with me & my ds & & I can only imagain what he must have been going through. But I put it behind us & there is no resentment there now & when we was invited to her wedding I mentioned what happened last time & explained how serious it was & could be worse next time & she did not realise, even though you would think people would when they know a person has been rushed in to hospital. My Aunt on the other hand had a different attitude. The attitude of her was" I quite like peanuts I tell you what we will put them upon a big shelf out of his reach"! I tried explaining about cross contamination & how serious his allergy is but I really think it was going through one ear & out the other. But if the boot was on the other foot it would be totally different & we wouldnt hear the end of it. ANyway., im gabbling on now, Sorry!!!!!!! I get so frusrtated with peoples attitudes towards this. Lets just hope that none of them have to experience bringing up a child with a life threatening condition or some1 going in to anaphylactic shock. If they did there attitude would certainly change. ...............The anoying thing is all what I have just explained to you my so called friend has had explained to her & ive pawed my heart out to her in the past especially at the time, so she knows what happened & how serioua it was.....

Julia76, I have a view of your friend and anyone else who doesn't get it about peanut allergy,

"Are they mad?"

lol

HAve you talked to her already?

Sometimes I also wonder where to draw the line on what to expect of people and what not to.

The courtesy I expect is for peanuts not being in the menu or in bowls around. Now, as DS is allergic to so many things I wouldn't expect anyone to be able to cook for him or better said, getting it right (so many well disguised forbidden ingredients), so I preffer to bring some food for him most of the time, although I always ask what's in the menu to prepare something similar to what the other people is having.

I think your friend's attitude is outrageous this time because is so easy to remove peanut bowls from a menu. Is not as if you were asking to change her almond based wedding cake so your child can have some.

Now, regarding wedding menus... we had so much problems making my SIL understand why it was safer for DS, and easier for every one concerned, to bring ourselves his food to the wedding, that at the end DS and I didn't attend. Serves her right, to preffer to risk our son's life to avoid having a different looking plate on her table is beyond belief.

I would probably stay away, explaining to my friend that the risk to my child was too great and I wouldn't be happy going without them. You could say that the venue would probably be quite happy not to put peanuts out if asked and you could maybe offer to provide a few bags of some other snack to replace them.

Errr Yup

It doesn't matter who's party it is or how old the people are concerned.
I am 40 years old with severe peanut allergy. If a close friend invited me out for food and insisted on putting peanuts on the menu...of course i wouldn't go.
Is she just a bit errm... thick?..does she think that because they are in bowls (death in a bowl as dh calls em) it's ok?

Don't go (of course)...and errm perhaps get a new friend?

Would your DS eat the peanuts even though he knows he is allergic, or are you worried one might find its way into something else he's eating? I just ask because my sister was anaphylactic to peanuts as well as eggs and she simply used to ask before eating things and avoided those ingredients.
Just want to be clear though, that I think your "friend" is being horrible - such a simple request can hardly be too much to ask!

Aren't peanuts at a 30th birthday party a bit naff anyway??? What else, prawn cocktail flavour crisps and sherry trifle for dessert?

It's 2007, not 1973 fgs.

Leaving that aside, I think that if she is fully aware of your ds's allergy then she is being selfish in insisting on having peanuts out. If she takes offence at you not going, then so be it.