Is friend being selfish for.................................

[Julia76]

not taking peanuts off of the menu for her birthday party when my ds2(8) is anaphylactic to peanuts????????
She is aware of the seriousness of his allergy. We have been friends for a long time. I asked her if she could ask the venue not to put peanuts out but she insists that they will not consider taking them off of the menu, as it is a set menu. Although she had not actually asked them, she was assuming this. Surely this is my friend who is being awkward & not the people doing the food because as long as they get their money would they really be bothered about not putting a few bowls of peanuts out? All my family & other friends always make sure that no peanuts are present if invited to a party, as they would not put him at risk & I feel she is being selfish. I feel like "why should I bother even going to the party if my so called friend obviousaly is not bothered about the risk to my ds. Any opinions. Is it me being unresaonable or is my friends being selfish?

It does sound like she is feeling the pre wedding nerves and is panicking about your ds.

amidaiwish: They have gone out of their way for your dc & your dc has more allergies then mine. I would say catering for a egg, fish & nut allergic person is much more difficult then a peanut allergic child. Doesnt that just go to say sometihng? If only my friend/s were more considerate , like your friends/family amidaiwish.

alibobins: I kind of disagree with you becasue her attitude has change because in the first email she says she will go out of her way to do all she can so he can attend & then the 2nd email she is saying different. She has gone from one extreme to another.

Also I would never hold her Or anyone responsiable if anything did hape. I would have thought she would realsie this too. I think someone has been talking to her & this is why her attitude is different then beofre.

Sounds like they have been talking to a lawyer or the person who is doing the food has done so. There are contamination risks almost everywhere that children go. They are trying to reduce the risk for your son by not having peanuts sold there, I think you ought to go. Take a plate of food for your son if it makes you feel better, at a buffet it won't be noticeable.

My relatives have given my child chocolates with "may contain" warning and me chocolates with nuts in . I'd feel pissed off about the buffet but it wouldn't stop me going.

Sorry alibobins & amidaiwish got you both the wrong way round!lol The message for alibobin was ment for amidaiwish & vice versa.

Thanks for your advice tatt. I can see where you are coming from & i know she has said she would not put bowls of peanuts out & when I asked her again about asking the venue not to sell them she said she would, but her attitude sort of just went from one extreme to another. Like she was friendly & then all of a sudden completely opposite. Maybe it is how the email came across too. At least shes she has not the exact attitude of my other friend who would not consider not having peanuts. I do think they have got the wrong impression of what he can ^ can not have thouhg.He is only allergic to peanuts. Thank you again all........

Julia, I think that she has kept her word to ask the caterers not to serve peanuts etc and they have given her the old "all care, no responsibility" disclaimer. She probably then felt that she needed to pass this info on to you so you know that you cannot totally rely on the food to be peanut free.
I don;t think she meant to be anything but helpful and concerned for your DS's safety.

The caterer is her friend. She is having a traditional english buffett, so there should not be any peanut containing food anyway. I told her I would bring safe food for my ds anyway but it really was only a case of not putting bowls of peanuts out due to his anaphylactic in 05,which after some discussions & hesitation on her part, her friend(who is doing the food), who I have spoken to directly, said she would not put peanuts out but couldnt gaurantee nut free. Her initial reaction was that she was not going to ask the venue not to sell peanuts. I think she thought this would be cheeky, however I told her recently that I had contacted the venue myself & told them of my ds allergy & made out I was going to book the venue for a party. The guy was totally fine about not selling peanuts so I told her. She then said she would ask him not to sell them. I have told them on many occassions that it is only peanuts being put out that is the problem, as he is not allergic to other nuts. He eats "may contain nuts" food at home but not "contains or may contain peanuts" obviously. I just could not understand why her attitude had gone form "fine I will do all I can t help" to less positive, as in " we will not be held responisiable blah blah blah" when I would have thought she would know me better then to go blaming her or anyone else if anything was to happen. When we have attended parties, big & small or laid on food, with no peanuts placed in bowls, my ds has been fine & the buffett food has iuncluded "may contain nuts". I guess Im just confused by her sudden change of attitude but I suppose this is due to someone talking to her after the first email. I suppose Im also confused as no one has ever said anything along the lines of what she has and we go to alot of parties. Anyway, just want to say thanks to all who have given their opinion. I dont think we will go to the wedding after all. As at yesterday the situation has changed anyway. My dh refuses to go to the wedding now( said he did not want to go anyway) due to my friend initially refusing to withdraw peanuts from the buffett when we was first invited, & due to the fact that my friend still owes us a large amount of money, which she has not attempted to pay us back),he says he can not go to the wedding & put on a false face as he has lots of resentments etc their due to the promises of money owed & not receiving it.which is fair enough & I undersatnd that. I was debating on attending with my ds's , as she did say she wanted us their(& god parent to my youngest), but it looks as though I cant go after all, as I do not drive & my dad is having operation 3 or 4 days before (as he was also going) but will not be able to drive. At least this friend has tried where as my other friend did not. Thanks again all....Much appreciated.

Urgh - complicated relationships!
I think brides shoould come with warnings along the lines of "May turn unexpectedly nuts". Don't take her change in tone personally - she's having a moment.
Re the money, I can only say that you should only lend money to a friend if you can afford to never see it again.
She was obviously cared a lot about this girl - try not to lose her over money - good friends are worth more.

take a taxi if it isn't long distance, don't lose a friend over money. Once the weddings out of the way they will maybe start paying the money back.

Firstly, taxi would cost nearly £40 there & £40 back & can not afford this. :-(
I do not think she will start paying the money back once the wedding is over & done with. She has owed us the money for too long now. Said she had no money & excuse after excuse, bought lots of new things, & then sprung on us that she was getting married as fell pregnant. They was ging to get married in 08. so brought it forward but told us she had not statrted paying for anything for the wedding.. She says everyone else has paid for their wedding but I just don tbelieve her anymore due to her saying one thing then another. I am nearly every week told I will get some of the money back but then I do not. But again thanks for your comments. This is what I wanted although I supose I disagree with some of your points but I spoupose this is due to you not knowing the half of it. ButI do appreciate your views. Thanks. With regards to her wedding, I will have to see what happens &
I will await to hear form my friend & see what else she says........

what would you do if you told your friend you couldn't go because of the transport problem and she arranged a lift for you?

My oldest friend died not long ago. If this friend died tomorrow, or you heard she was dying, would the money matter to you? I wouldn't have lent money to anyone where the answer waw yes.

I have told her that I can not make her wedding & I think that she is quite releaved as she does not have the worry of my ds getting ill, although she should know that I would never blame her or anyone else if it did. With regards to the money & if she were to die tomorrow, of course I would not be worried that I had not received my money(hubby probably would be though) & I would be devastated if something like this was to happen to her.