Is friend being selfish for.................................

[Julia76]

not taking peanuts off of the menu for her birthday party when my ds2(8) is anaphylactic to peanuts????????
She is aware of the seriousness of his allergy. We have been friends for a long time. I asked her if she could ask the venue not to put peanuts out but she insists that they will not consider taking them off of the menu, as it is a set menu. Although she had not actually asked them, she was assuming this. Surely this is my friend who is being awkward & not the people doing the food because as long as they get their money would they really be bothered about not putting a few bowls of peanuts out? All my family & other friends always make sure that no peanuts are present if invited to a party, as they would not put him at risk & I feel she is being selfish. I feel like "why should I bother even going to the party if my so called friend obviousaly is not bothered about the risk to my ds. Any opinions. Is it me being unresaonable or is my friends being selfish?

Isabel, I havent spoken to her since last night but I will ring her tea time when she gets in from work. I generally take safe food & do what you say in asking what food having & do similar, which I was still intending on doing for her party, but obviously the peanuts in dishes are a problem whether he is eating her food or not. The thing is Im not asking her to completly go allergen free & expect her to change her whole menu. Just not to put peanuts out. Isabel I think I can remember reading a thread or you mentioning on a thread about your SIL wedding & your opinion etc.

Sweetdarling, my ds would not go near a peanut or any1 eating them as he knows how highly allergic he is to peanuts & he is very aware of the allergy & always double checks with me what he can & can not have if not sure. But when he went in to anaphylactic shock in 05 he did not touch a peanut. It was either just by being in the same room as them, peanut dust falling on a sandwich he had eaten or because he touched someone or something who had been eating them.(cross contamination!) We do not know if it was just by being in the same room or cross contaminaiton.

Troutpout; ANswer to your question"maybe she is"! I certainly realise now that she is not worth me worrying about & I do not deserve people in my life like that. She obviously really does not give a about my ds or I (sorry about language but still disopointed anoid).So after this I will not be making any effort to keep in contact & I will up date you later as to her responce. Thanks all for your advice & opinions. Its appreciated.

Julia, I totally understand your concerns about peanut bowls, no disagreeing in that! Cross contamination is too much a risk and unfortunately a very likely posibility.

Hi Tatt, how atre yoiu? Long time no chat! Hear agian giving me yet mpore advice.lol Anyway, I did tell her that the venue/person doing the bufett really would not mind & that most people I have dealt with have always been fine with not selling peanuts behind the bar for the night or not putting bowls of peanuts out & always only due to 1 allergic person usually but she said they would not consider this but had not asked them. ANd this is what has infuriated me as she wont go out pof her way to ask. They probably would be fine, at the end of the day, she is paying them. She obviously loves peanuts much more then she loves my ds or me or if she cared about him or me for that much, I wouldnt even be having these converstaions on mumsnett as she would withdraw from having peanuts without any hesitant......

Isabel, yes exactly. Anywa, I will go now & pop on later once I have spoken to her. nThanks again.

When iwas teaching, one class was particulary allergic. I had a nut allergy (with epipen) 1 seafood allergy, 1 premature baby that was allergic to everything (He was 8 at that time) also with epipen and at least 5-6 with inhalers of all different sorts, oh, and a celiac disease also.

Planning anything to do with food ALWAYS resulted in me consulting the parents. Even sweets given out on the last day were checked by me with the parents to ensure all the children had a fair lot.

...and your friend can't put away a bowl of peanuts?

not to be contraversial here but maybe she just wants her childs party to be a relaxed affair and has too much other stuff to worry about?

i uderstood it wasn't a child's party though -her friends 30th.

It's not a huge worry though is it? To ask the venue not to put out peanuts .

True, and I have to say my sister's friends' mums were brilliant. Used to go to such an effort to make food she could eat (was also allergic to wheat an dairy) at birthday parties etc. Also, if they found a good recipe they would give it to my Mum after the party so she could keep it on file.
Your friend must really love peanuts!

Hi julia76. Getting to the ripe old age of 30 does stress some people out and it maybe seems like the straw that breaks the camel's back from your friends shoes. Or maybe this is her way of cooling the friendship?

What a lovely way to do it if so tatt

Who know's tatt, maybe your right!

As (me&myflyingmachine) say's, its not a big worry asking the venue not to put peanuts out! Muppetgirl & sweetdarling, If only more people had your attitude & the attitude of you kind people on here but some people are just damn selfish & just cant be bothered to understand from our point of view on things like this, especially if it does not directly effect them. They have not got the worry that allergic people & parents etc have everyday. Quick up date: Rang her last night but no answer so I left a message basically along the lines of" due to the fact that you are not prepared to take Peanuts off of the menu we have decided that we will not be attending your birthday party tomorrow night!" & left it at that. I dont know if she will bother contacting me now or not & I will just have to wait & see. If she contacts me & says that she has reconsidered & understands the importance of why I have asked her re the peanut thing then maybe she is not that bad after all, but to be honest Im not expecting a call which just goes to show that she really is not worth having in my life.
Thanks again everyone for your comments.....

Oh another quick question? What about my other friend who is getting married soon, who I mentioned b4. The person doing the wedding food said she will not put bowls of peanuts out but can not go allergen free for one child but if was 10 or more with same allergy would consider the menu carefully but could not take this in to account with just my ds peanut allergy. I will feel less stressed going to there wedding because I know there will not be bowls of peanuts everywhere & I would take safe food for my ds anyway, however same sort of issue as I have also asked the couple getting married to also ask the venue if the could not sell peanuts for the night due to a serious allergic person attending the reception & the reply was "we will not put peanuts out but do not know about if the venue will" Have not also asked. I feel like I should make the effort to go to this wedding as they have said that they will not put the peanuts out but on the other hand I feel torn as I also feel let down that they are also not going to ask the bar manager about not selling peanuts on the night. Wont do any harm asking . My hubby has told me he does not wnat to go as they are also being selfish as is my other so called friend by not asking to withdraw peanuts for the night & I feel that I should not have to ask my friends if peanuts will be present at parties etc as 1 would think that they wouldnt need to think twice about it. If they really want us there then they would not want him put at risk. I know what your all thinking. A fine lot of friends she has! but I now realise they are not as good of friends as I first thought & I can honestly say that I have other friends & family that are furious at the attitudes of these particular friends. Or not friends as the case may be. Soz for gabbling again but now I have sorted out the 30th birthday party issue, I feel I am not sure what to do about this, as my dh says its the same attiude & we should not also go to this wedding but I think well at least they are not chosing peanuts over my ds..& are removing them from the buffett food.

Oh another quick question? What about my other friend who is getting married soon, who I mentioned b4. The person doing the wedding food said she will not put bowls of peanuts out but can not go allergen free for one child but if was 10 or more with same allergy would consider the menu carefully but could not take this in to account with just my ds peanut allergy. I will feel less stressed going to there wedding because I know there will not be bowls of peanuts everywhere & I would take safe food for my ds anyway, however same sort of issue as I have also asked the couple getting married to also ask the venue if the could not sell peanuts for the night due to a serious allergic person attending the reception & the reply was "we will not put peanuts out but do not know about if the venue will" Have not also asked. I feel like I should make the effort to go to this wedding as they have said that they will not put the peanuts out but on the other hand I feel torn as I also feel let down that they are also not going to ask the bar manager about not selling peanuts on the night. Wont do any harm asking . My hubby has told me he does not wnat to go as they are also being selfish as is my other so called friend by not asking to withdraw peanuts for the night & I feel that I should not have to ask my friends if peanuts will be present at parties etc as 1 would think that they wouldnt need to think twice about it. If they really want us there then they would not want him put at risk. I know what your all thinking. A fine lot of friends she has! but I now realise they are not as good of friends as I first thought & I can honestly say that I have other friends & family that are furious at the attitudes of these particular friends. Or not friends as the case may be. Soz for gabbling again but now I have sorted out the 30th birthday party issue, I feel I am not sure what to do about this, as my dh says its the same attiude & we should not also go to this wedding but I think well at least they are not chosing peanuts over my ds..& are removing them from the buffett food.

oops sorry about that!lol dozey today!

Julia, it must be such a constant worry for you - I know, having grown up with it. I think, however, it is a v hard thing to comprehend when you have no real expereince of it. Most people think of allergies as something that gives you a rash or makes you sneeze. Also, weddings make people nuts (no pun intended!).
Maybe give the wedding venue a call - they are sure to be helpful given the potential legal implications of ignoring your request.
On this one, I would be a bit more forgiving, but would still find it difficult not to let it impact on my perception of my "friend".

I've heard announcements on planes asking people not to consume nut-based food whilst they're flying as a passenger onboard had a nut allergy (and yes, I did hear grumbles about this from some thoughtless people ) so if a plane can do it, I don't see why a fixed venue can't accommodate you.

sweetdarling, yes I think your right. & whilst making a cuppa & thinking about things whilst my youngest was occupying himself I thought the same thing you mentioned about ringing the venue myself. Do you think though that she may get offended by me taking it upon myself to ring them? Dosent worry me tho as I will tell her that becasue she was not going to ask then I will.

bookwormmum. yes agree. At least I know by everyones responce that its not me being unreasonable., I have obviously seeked reassurance & advice form others, especially my sisters of which obviously are of te same opinion as us all on here but sometmes you need people from outside to give there views & opinons on things.

I am the least tolerant person ever when it comes to food dislikes etc (well, in my head anyway) but a nut allergy is completely different!

My sister-in-law (to be) has a nut allergy and we obviously would want her to enjoy our wedding so we have ensured there is nothing with 'secret' nuts in it. Tbh when we spoke to the venue they said that they are very careful these days, unless it is labelled it doesn't have nuts (and obv we aren't having those options). They did say a man went into shock the other day because they didn't realse there were nuts in the walnut and pistachio ice cream

It IS slightly inconvenient but some perspective is needed! Its not even like you are asking for the whole menu to be sorted. Try not to lose her as a friend. She clearly doesn't realise the implications. But I don't think you will be able to trust her...

I would think it is fine to phone the venue yourself - they should be quite happy not to sell them if they know someone who is attending is allergic.

You feel like you are hitting your head against a brick wall sometimes (well, all the time actually )

We always tell the airline before flying so was surprised to see them selling nuts on our last flight. I quickly told the flight attendant and she said "Oh it's ok, they are cashews, not peanuts!"

I agree, phone the venue yourself and ask if they would withdraw the nuts for that night; if they won't, don't go. Or leave ds at home with dh and go!