Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 6

[pointythings]

A new thread so that the conversations can continue overnight. We have sadly been very active lately, so I thought it best to be proactive.

These threads are for everyone who has an alcoholic in their life: partner/husband/wife, sibling, child, parent. This is a safe space where you can vent and say all the things you can't say out loud in real life.

The people on these threads have all been there or are still on their journey. We will share what we have learned, crack dark jokes and offer a shoulder to cry on. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?page=40&reply=153683715

@YesIveNamechanged80. Did you leave your joint home due to his drinking/behaviour ? And why you are in a refuge

I get your pain over the phone. I have a loan in my name for dh , coz you do when married etc - it has 3yrs left on it. I’ve paid it for 2yrs

it boils my blood every fucking month i pay it as that’s money that dd and I could use

normal to miss. I did till I finally reliese dh would never stop drinking

view looks lovely @AcrossthePond55

An update. My DH made a remarkable recovery. Balance improved enormously out of hospital, could get upstairs, into and out of the bath etc. Recovered his appetite. Then started saying his life is over as he can't drink, maybe he can have a glass at Christmas. About 10 days later he insisted on going abroad for work, against the advice of work colleagues, our son, his brother and me. A day later, drunk again, been drinking every day.
Feel like we've been played. I have a chat with a solicitor about divorce tomorrow. While he is away all is calm. So I think is divorce the right thing. But I know he won't stop drinking and when he gets back we will be back in the endless cycle again. He was told by the consultant to stop drinking, he is shortening his life. The consultant asked me how blunt she should be so I said as blunt as possible. My close friends support me, I know divorce is the only way but I'm dreading telling him.

@Penguinsandspaniels no it was in my name as a rental but I’ve been deemed as being at very high risk due to his completely erratic behaviour when he drinks which is every day.
So I’m here with my child and we are safe but our whole lives have imploded which is why I’m so angry with myself that I still care enough to worry about him. I feel guilty for still having feelings.
When he was good he was really really good and all that.

@Greyhair59 I am so very sorry. I know exactly how it feels - the hope, the anxiety, the letdown. You are completely correct - divorce is now the only way forward for you. It will be hard. Alcoholics fall into spirals of self pity and manipulation when they lose their anchor. But you can honestly say you have tried absolutely everything, and now it is time to look after yourself, put yourself first and take back the joys of living.

Thankyou pointythings.
I do worry about the effect on my adult dcs, but I have 1 still at home and things are so much more peaceful when he is away. The older I suspect will have little t do with him.

@Greyhair59

I have a chat with a solicitor about divorce tomorrow. While he is away all is calm. So I think is divorce the right thing.

I know it's the right thing! Living with an alcoholic is soul destroying.

But I know he won't stop drinking and when he gets back we will be back in the endless cycle again.

I know divorce is the only way but I'm dreading telling him.

Is he going to be gone long enough for you to make 'alternate living arrangements' for yourself or do you think if you told him you were filing for divorce before he came home that he'd consent to not return to the marital home?

If I had even a penny for every time DH told me he was 'never going to drink again' I'd be a rich woman. I also got the 'I'll never drink again, except for maybe a glass of something at Christmas'. It simply means that they don't get it. They are an addict and when an addict quits it has to be cold turkey with the understanding that they can never, ever touch their 'substance of choice' again. Not Ever.

@Greyhair59 we have all been there. They say maybe I can have a drink here and there. Nope

we all wish and hope they will stop and why we give so many chances and keep staying

but eventually you now know , like I did /do that dh will never stop drinking

you tried your best and I would hope adult dc can see and understand why you are divorcing him. My 7yr didn’t. By 8/9 she did and his older adult sons don’t see or talk to him

even when a consultant says 2yrs is carry on drinking. Well he’s still alive

as soon as gets money he buys

same as your dh. As soon as alone he buys

@YesIveNamechanged80 seems unfair you have lost your home and job due to his behaviour

Sending solidarity to anyone who is having a tough time at the moment.

DH attempted suicide last Wednesday, so it's been a rough few days here. Obviously I have stepped up to help because I didn't have any choice, but I feel so overwhelmed with the fact that medical services seem so happy to just hand stuff of to me.
Doesn't help that I started my temporary promotion last Monday & have been full of a cold I can't shift, so I've felt more sorry for myself than usual.

On the bright side it has kickstarted the process to get him a place on an inpatient detox (even if he is refusing the rehab part), so I have a full week of just me at home to look forward to. I am so excited, just to be able to relax & do what I want! I think it will be about 4 weeks till it happens, for me they will be a very long 4 weeks!

@Ebananascroogey

Oh, I'm so sorry this has all been put on you! But (and this is not a criticism) you don't have to say 'yes'. If you aren't in the place to say no now, remember that it's an option for down the road.

I hope he does find a place in detox because any peace you can get is wonderful. I'm afraid that the fact that he's refused rehab shows that he doesn't intend to stop drinking. Or that he thinks (like my DH) that 'detoxing' will remove the desire to drink so rehab simply 'isn't necessary'.

Mine had a two week inpatient detox about six weeks after coming out of rehab because he was drunk and expressing suicidal ideation. He was in fact so drunk that the duty psych refused to see him until he had sobered up, and he smelled of ketones. Because he was ex US Air Force we had access to the base hospital and funded detox, which was a massive relief - not because I thought it would do any good, but because it would get him out of the house for a while.

He was drinking again within 24 hours of coming out.

A cry for help @Ebananascroogey or attention and had no intention of killing his self ? And knew you would come running

sorry it landed on you but as @AcrossthePond55 the pond said , you don’t have to be there supporting

no one would think less of you if you walked away

again if refusing detox he doesn’t want to get sober and stop drinking
congrats on promotion

Thank you all. I know you're right & i don't have to help. But at this point i also can't stop him coming home, and I can't ignore his distress when it's right in front of me. The system is very broken in that the police referred him to the crisis team who agreed that he did potentially lack capacity & needed intervention. They would come & assess for that in 2 days. By the time the 2 days rolled around they felt he had capacity & no longer needed help! So so frustrating.

I don't know whether it was real or attention seeking, if it's possible to be a bit of both i suspect that is what it was. Lots of talk about having hit rock bottom, wanting to change etc, but still claiming to be too angry inside to risk rehab as he might hurt someone. He's currently considering a rehab programme where he is able to come home each night, i'm not holding my breath.

He's currently being kind and reasonable, drinking significantly less, trying to take care of his basic needs. He's claiming he's hit his rock bottom & is trying to recover. I can't help but wonder if he's hoping this will halt the divorce. It won't. What @AcrossthePond55 said about loving from a distance & with no hope really resonated with me. I think that's where i'm at, only the distance isn't there yet & that makes it harder to be totally detached. I'm hoping his week in detox will give the space that will strengthen my resolve to push the divorce through no matter what.

His last detox he started drinking the day he came home, lets see if this time in any different.

@Ebananascroogey

But at this point i also can't stop him coming home, and I can't ignore his distress when it's right in front of me.

Totally understand! And it is right that we do whatever works for us 'in the place that we are'.

The system is very broken in that the police referred him to the crisis team who agreed that he did potentially lack capacity & needed intervention. They would come & assess for that in 2 days. By the time the 2 days rolled around they felt he had capacity & no longer needed help! So so frustrating.

Very similar here. DH goes to ER and an assessment by the MH Crisis Team (psychiatrist and psychiatric soc wkrs). By the time they get to him he can answer all the questions 'right'. And he should do, he's had those same questions 1000 times! They ask me the same questions about what I do 'for him' and I answer the same way; honestly. Then they say he has capacity and he is 'safe at home'. The time will come when I lie to them about what I do to help him to hopefully get the Public Guardian involved. But that time has not come for me yet.

One of the things I've learnt on this 'journey' is that when it comes to making decisions or changing what I do, I will know when the time is right. I think TBH that's something we all learn at some point.

So sorry for the stress @Ebananascroogey. I’ve been in your shoes a couple of times and the system is definitely broken/ missing a critical link.

Ex had a few ‘suicide attempts’ - abbreviation because I don’t know how genuine: they all involved attention seeking/ alerting others to his overdose/ intentions to hang himself/ another overdose. In each time, paramedics called and taken to A&E where he was assessed for capacity and possible mental health act detention. Each time they would start the process, assess that they couldn’t determine while intoxicated, admit him, give him Librium to manage overnight withdrawal, assess him again after 12 hours and find that he had capacity. Released. Rinse and repeat.

he would always get yet another referral to the crisis team, but frankly all they do is check you are alive every other day and eventually discharge you. Yet another referral to local drug and alcohol support that he would engage with for a while. One even did a home detox and he relapsed a few days after that. One did an inpatient detox and he actually drank on his way home. These are all in addition to his private rehab stints in earlier years.

I still went through with leaving him. I couldn’t be stuck on the hamster wheel with him anymore, ruining my life. He’s still alive. Probably still doing periodic A&E admissions suicidal. No doubt even local drug and alcohol services have lost interest in trying to to detox him.

I still went through with leaving him. I couldn’t be stuck on the hamster wheel with him anymore, ruining my life. He’s still alive. Probably still doing periodic A&E admissions suicidal. This is it really. We save ourselves, or we go down with them. Mine is not still alive, but I don't feel guilty about leaving him. It had to happen.

@AcrossthePond55 @Nogoodusername while it's reassuring to hear im not alone in my experiences, its so sad to think mental health support is that broken the world over.

I've had the hard & frankly heartbreaking conversation with soon to be ex DH tonight that just because he's trying, it doesn't mean that things can go back to how they were. No matter what I want to be divorced with separate homes. If he can stay sober I'd love for us to be in each other's lives & maybe spend time together, but the second he drinks he goes to his space & leaves me to mine. He said he understood. I dont know if he does or if he thinks agreeing will shut me up. We've planned a nice civil weekend with shared meals & some work round the house. I guess that will give me a good sense of what level of friendship we can or can't maintain further down the line.

Sadly I don’t think that will work

@Penguinsandspaniels sadly i suspect you are right & that as soon as he has his own space the freedom to drink constantly will win. That will be his choice, and contact will cease. I have made peace with that, as sad as it is, and am looking forward to the freedom i will gain from it being just me without him & his drinking to worry about.
I guess (stupidly) while he is so close i can't quite give up on hoping this will be the time for change. I guess that's the downside of neither of us being able to move out until the financial side of the divorce is sorted.

@Ebananascroogey it was 3 months from me starting the divorce process to him moving out. Would have been longer without the police involvement. And I had glimmers of hope too. You don't detach easily from a marriage. The hope clings on until the end. Which sucks, but don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do.

@Ebananascroogey

If he can stay sober I'd love for us to be in each other's lives & maybe spend time together, but the second he drinks he goes to his space & leaves me to mine.

'Together apart'. I have had this same 'fantasy'. But I've accepted that a fantasy is what it is. It still enters my mind from time to time but now I firmly pick it up by the seat of its britches and shove it back in the little dusty closet in the back of my brain and firmly lock the door. It doesn't do to dwell on something that doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of happening.

I dont know if he does or if he thinks agreeing will shut me up.

Probably the latter. They live in their own little booze-fogged world where eventually everything will just be fine because they're 'going to stop drinking tomorrow after one last hurrah today'. The important thing is that you've laid it on the line for him. There's no point in bringing it up again, it's an exercise in futility. And no matter how often you remind him of it when the day comes that you say you're leaving or that you've filed for divorce he will be in total astonishment. Not because you didn't warn him, but because he never thought you'd go through with it.

I guess (stupidly) while he is so close i can't quite give up on hoping this will be the time for change.

Don't feel stupid. 'Hope' is the normal mental condition. We 'live in hope'. It's just that for us hope usually proves futile. And as I've mentioned before, hope will fade. Just keep reminding yourself of the reality. You don't have to truly believe it right now, you just have to keep acknowledging it.

......and am looking forward to the freedom i will gain from it being just me without him & his drinking to worry about.

And it is freeing, being on your own. Even though I'm in contact with DH, I'm still free to make my own decisions and live as I choose. The point of severing for me will be once the house gets sold. I'm not ready for that because chances are he won't leave voluntarily and I'll have go to court to enforce the 'sale order' that was part of our separation. Enforcement means eviction. And at some point, that it will probably make him homeless. He's not capable of maintaining a flat (bills or cleanliness) and his drunken 'antics' would probably result in him being evicted as a nuisance tenant. The court battle will be expensive and if he's evicted the massive costs of clean up will all be on me. I'm not ready for that either.

But listen, just live it day to day for now. Give up on his sobriety, let him drink if that's what he chooses to do. You live your life now.

Even after my DH left, I clung on to hope we could fix this. I remember the day, months later, when it fizzled and died. He was staying with a relative and I'd brought the children to visit as it was Christmas. His relative said he wasn't feeling well. I went upstairs, looked at him lying on the floor in a drunken stupor and didn't even try to rouse him. I just gave up on him and on us at that moment.

It’s impossible to be together /apart. It’s having cake and eating it

he won’t stop drinking - just like my dh won’t

I’ve been away on holiday and every day for a week ex would text me or dd and ask how we were. Having fun ? Etx

at home he rarely texts her

got to uc day and then nothing from him as drinking

Hello everyone. I hope I can join for some solidarity.

Ex and I have recently split. He was always a drinker, but when I first got pregnant he ramped it up to dangerous levels. Whilst “working” and avoiding me and our newborn, he became a fully fledged alcoholic. He drank in the car. He drank himself to sleep by early afternoon whilst his other children were here. He cheated with prostitutes. The worst part is that all the alcohol made him so paranoid, hostile and aggressive that I can’t even speak to him now. We go through cycles of him being sober and contrite, and times when he openly hates me.

He’s been removed by the police, leaving me pregnant with a toddler, with no childcare and in very stressful financial conditions. I’ve changed jobs but it’s incredibly hard.

I still wish he’d have some kind of revelation and things would be okay. But I know it won’t.

Hi @SnakeJuice. Welcome to group no one wants to be but glad as we are as we all know /been where you are , so can offer support , advice or just a ear/eye to listen /read