Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 6

[pointythings]

A new thread so that the conversations can continue overnight. We have sadly been very active lately, so I thought it best to be proactive.

These threads are for everyone who has an alcoholic in their life: partner/husband/wife, sibling, child, parent. This is a safe space where you can vent and say all the things you can't say out loud in real life.

The people on these threads have all been there or are still on their journey. We will share what we have learned, crack dark jokes and offer a shoulder to cry on. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?page=40&reply=153683715

Glad it went well with dd. The fact she wants to stop and going to rehab is positive @Harddaysnight1

Yes, completely normal in terms of processing something really really abnormal. The ones in which he was being horrible to the DC (who were always much younger in the dream) were the worst.

I suspect everyone who has lived with an addict has a particular form of PTSD.

I’ve never had a nightmare about dh @Nogoodusername

tbh just relief he isn’t here anymore shouting drinking swearing

@Nogoodusername

Your post is reassuring now I know I’m not the only one. I often have really vivid dreams featuring ex, and they seem so real that sometimes when I wake it takes me a few minutes to even realise it was a dream.

In some of them, he’s sober and we’re living like a normal family.

I’ve also had dreams that are like flash backs of situations we’ve been in.
And I’ve had a few where he’s died.

I don’t know which ones are worse.
I think probably the ones where he’s sober are the most upsetting, because they’re like a cruel reminder of what could have been if his addiction didn’t exist.

Im so furious with him today I could explode!
Firstly I get an email to say he's not responded to the divorce papers, even though he's sworn blind a number of times that he has. I know its not really a big deal as it shouldn't be hard to get deemed service, but there's another 67 quid down the drain for absolutely no good reason.
Then he's doing his poor me im so poorly & so hungry act, so I agree to make him a giant yorkshire pudding to house some shepherds pie i had in the freezer & to fetch him a bottle of wine from the corner shop, largely i have to admit so he'd neck it & go back to sleep & leave me to a pleasant evening in front of the TV with the dogs.
Food made, he takes it upstairs to eat. An hour later I go to shut the front room window & notice what looks like d&v on the little top opener. Twat has only launched the complete yorkshire full of shepherds pie out the bedroom window onto the front garden!!
Literally why ask me for food when you're not going to eat it???
& why am I so stupid that I made it for him.
Feels like 2 steps forward & 10 steps back today.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. Him not responding to the divorce petition is on him. The reason you believed him is that you are not a lying, manipulative addict.

You made him food because he said he was hungry and because you are a good and decent human being. Don't ever be angry at yourself for being a good person. It is not your fault that he rejected the kindness you did him. In time, you will learn to step away and not do things for him, but you just aren't there yet. It took me almost 7 years to give up, so you're doing better than I did.

Consider this your kindly slap in the face with a wet fish. Chin up, keep going.

@pointythings thank you, I needed to hear exactly what you said to me.
Tomorrow I will pay the money & submit the evidence for deemed service & focus not on the fact I had to, but on the fact im moving forward.
If he's hungry tomorrow I'll probably still feed him, but with a little less care than today.
That's what I can commit to right now, but it's so much more than this time last month so I'll take it for now!

Oh @Ebananascroogey. First if he refuses you can still divorce him

Your spouse cannot stop a divorce by refusing to sign or cooperate, because you can proceed with a sole application, request deemed service through the court, or ask for a . Under current laws, a marriage is legally ended when a judge signs the final order, not when your partner agrees. 1, 2, 3,
How the Process Moves Forward

• Sole Application: You can apply for the divorce on your own without your partner's consent. Your spouse cannot dispute the decision except in very rare cases like marriage validity or court power. 1, 2]
• Proof of Delivery: If your partner ignores the forms, you must prove they received them. You can use a court bailiff or a professional process server to hand-deliver the papers. 1, 2, 3]
• Alternative Service: If your spouse avoids the paperwork, you can ask the court for "deemed service" by showing proof they saw it on text or email, or ask to skip service entirely if they cannot be found. 1, 2]
• Next Steps: Once the court accepts that your spouse was notified, the process continues to the conditional order and final order without their signature. src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/WfVpzQqPZos?start=13" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen> 1]

Financial Matters

• Separate Issues: Ending the marriage is separate from dividing money and property.
• Consent Orders: If your ex refuses to sign a financial clean break settlement, you may have to ask the judge to make a financial order through a standard court hearing instead. 1]

tho you are too nice to cook for him. Dh says freezer is empty. Had no bread or butter etc - I just say oh dear - let alone buy him booze

yes a little stupid (naive) bless you but only as you sound a nice person

@Nogoodusername

I hadn't thought about it, but I don't think I've dreamt about DH. I say think because oddly enough, I don't remember probably 99% of my dreams. I will remember them immediately upon awakening, but as I do they sort of erase themselves 'backwards'. I'm just left with a vague 'feeling' (scared, happy, angry, etc) and maybe one little snippet of the dream but no enough to know the exact dream. I do know there have been a few times since I left where I've awoken in the morning with a feeling of panic, but don't know why.

I do think that dreams are our mind's way of processing events and trauma we aren't ready to deal with IRL. Maybe my mind is processing the trauma but figures I'm still UNready to consciously deal with it. (lol).

I had another one last night, possibly triggered by talking on here about dreaming about him shortly before I went to sleep.
In this one, he kidnapped DD.
Never had one like that before, but his contact has never been completely stopped like it is now.

Fortunately I don’t dream often, when I do it is usually that he has come back into my life, and my subconscious knows it is wrong and I am having a dilemma of how to tell him life is better without him. Unsettling, but overall I can see what my mind is telling me.

Sorry that you get the nightmares too @MamaBear81. last night’s one sounds really horrible.

I and a weird stress one last night about moving house and everything going wrong. At least no Ex in it!

I really can’t imagine what it must take to process losing the person you loved for 38 years. I’m stunned and horrified by watching Ex spiral after much much much less time as the person he was before. Love and hugs and always impressed by your strength

Thank you for thinking of me.

It's not easy, that's for sure. I think I'm subconsciously doing a bit of compartmentalization. I can think about the good years and happy memories without the loss intruding on those thoughts. And I can think about the loss without the good memories intruding. Sometimes they still crash together and I have to deal with that when it does.

As it stands, the past seems more real most of the time than the present if you get what I mean. But there's no yearning for it, just the knowledge that I was lucky to have that time. I know for certain that this wouldn't be my mindset if I hadn't left. I'd be yearning for those good times because I'd be 'living with' the bad times.

In a way, I don't think the length of time together matters much when they start to spiral. I'd be willing to be it's just as horrifying after 3 years as after 30. Either way you're seeing someone you love turn into someone you don't know at all. And don't want to know. After 38 years one mourns the past. But for someone who's only been with their alcoholic a shorter time, they're mourning the future. One pain isn't more or less than the other I don't think. We all just hurt.

But I do think the ones who hurt most of all are those who still have young children. Doing their best to shelter them but watching them get hurt despite their best efforts is a pain that must be worse than what's experienced by someone (like me) whose children are adults or those who don't have children. We only have ourselves to get through this.

But get through this we will!

I think compartmentalising is a survival strategy as well as a realistic approach. My husband and I were married for 20 years, together for 25. The last 5 were absolute hell. But the good years were also very real.

Last Christmas it was just the DC and I at home, and they went up into our loft where a lot of his stuff still is. They went through it all, let the memories come back and it really helped. Up until then, all they could access was the memory of the bad times. Reconnecting in a different way brought back memories of the good times they had and it was surprisingly healing. DD1 has a tattoo on her back, the centrepiece of which is the hilt of a sword that he drew when he was in his 20s. His artistic side was something he never let out enough. The tattoo is surrounded by flowers - all drawn by members of the family and replicated as a tattoo. It's a wonderful piece and so meaningful. There are many ways to recover, and if you find one that brings back the good memories that is helpful.

So I got home from work today and there’s a letter on my doormat addressed to DD.
I opened it, it was from her dad.
Saying how much he misses her, wants her to know he’s thinking of her, how sorry he is. Said she deserves better and that he will be better.

He wrote her a similar one while he was in prison on remand, saying how he felt like a new man, had been going to therapy and knew he had a lot of making up to do - then first thing he did when released was drink.
A week later, when his mother went behind my back to take DD to see him, he was still drunk when he turned up. At that point, he hadn’t seen her for almost 5 weeks, and turned up in that state.

I’m so glad she’s only 3 and can’t read it. The letters are full of so much hope, so many promises and she would be so let down.

But if things keep progressing as they are, he’s either going to end up dead or not seeing her until she’s old enough to make that decision herself.

If it comes to either of those things, would you show her the letters when she’s old enough to read them?

Keep the letters and wait to see what happens

but tbh if he does die and she reads them , it would piss me off more as a teen /adult that my dad couldn’t stop drinking and made empty promises

I have many good happy memories of us meeting /falling in love. Getting engaged Failures of ivf - finally success and then getting married

it was our wa the other day - should have been 5th A and all the timehop /fb memories popped up and it was sad that he looked healthy and happy then - less then 2yrs later we split for 3w.

A year after that so less then 3 years married I kicked him out for good and last 2.5yrs been split

that we have been separated longer than married - tho together altogether 12yrs

but as @AcrossthePond55 said. It’s the bittersweet fact that we have a young child together and trying to shelter dd from his drinking

but now she’s older she sees for herself , or smells him and she doesn’t care if she sees him. Rarely relies to his texts tho he rarely contacts her

she was daddy’s girl. Used to adore him as a toddler

I feel crap that I chose badly for a dad for her and that she has had a childhood without a loving dad in it for so long

@MamaBear81

I agree with @Penguinsandspaniels , keep the letters.

I'm a firm believer in 'you will know when the time is right, or not as the case may be'. Your DD is so young now. You don't know 'who she'll be' as she grows. And trust me, there will be many 'who she is's as the years pass. My sons changed so much as they grew, especially in the teen and young adult years. But I digress. Keep the letters, you will know if and or when the time is right to give them to her, or to toss them.

I'm not sure if this is the right place for me I'm not dealing with a mean or violent drunk and he's not drinking every single day but I'm beginning to think my DH does have a problem with alcohol.

We are in our 40s and have 1 dd who is 6.
In the last couple of years my DH has starting drinking a bottle of wine at least 5 out of 7 nights of the week. Often it will be all 7 nights and can be more than just 1 bottle.
He's a bit happier/lighter when he's drinking so I think that's why I've been burying my head in the sand for so long.
He still gets up goes to work etc but he definitely is less patient and has a low mood. Our marriage is not good we are just surviving really no intimacy and a lot of the time it's just me and my DD off doing fun things and he's kind of on the sidelines.
Over the weekend we had a row not directly connected to his drinking but definitely impacted by it and I told him that I was no longer buying him alcohol he's furious about this and thinks I'm.overeacting.
He says he's not an alcoholic but thinks maybe he's autistic and the drinking is just a coping mechanism.
I don't know if he will stop drinking but I cant bear to think of living apart from my daughter even some of the time if we separate.

Really just following here to see how everyone else is managing

Welcome, @Plastictreesofgold . Of course this group is for you. You have a husband who is using alcohol in a dysfunctional way, which is affecting family life. He's on at least 70 units a week, often more. And alcoholics spiral.

Well done putting in a boundary of no longer buying it for him. Aside from that, I would suggest you now focus on your DD and on yourself in terms of caring priorities. You can't help him, but you can help yourself. If you want to discuss his drinking with him, make sure he's sober and that you are clear on what you want out of the conversation. And don't expect anything.

His autism isn't an excuse. I have an adult DS who is autistic, a wheelchair user, in chronic and constant pain. He doesn't abuse substances. If your husband is struggling with his moods and needs support, he should work to get it.

@Plastictreesofgold they will always find reasons/excuses for drinking. But the harsh truth is that if they are abusing alcohol, doctors can't help with any of the underlying issues. It is the alcohol that is causing you problems and if he won't stop drinking, you have every right to walk away, whether it is a coping mechanism or not. The fact he is furious and tells you you're overreacting suggests he isn't ready to admit he has a problem with alcohol, so you need to start thinking of yourself and your child. As @pointythings says, you can't help him.

I don't dream often about my late Dh but I do think about what happened frequently and I often feel I haven't got over the shock and distress of it all. It does feel like PTSD and I often think counselling might be in order. He has been dead a long time and my kids are now grown, but in many ways they are still reeling from it too.

Welcome @Plastictreesofgold , if you feel his drinking is a problem, then it's a problem. You get to make that decision for yourself. God knows the alcoholic never thinks their drinking is a problem!

My DH was 'a drinker' for most of our marriage, then his drinking spun out of control. As a result I left and we are legally separated. So whilst your DH may still be 'functioning' that doesn't mean it'll stay that way. So yes, as @pointythings says, focus on yourself and DD. And an absolute YES to refusing to buy him alcohol. I did the same at one point and esDH was furious about it, just like yours. But refusing to buy is not just not contributing to their alcohol abuse, it is standing up for ourselves!

And in other news 🙄

DH suddenly realized that his due date to comply with his DUI probation conditions is, wait for it......tomorrow! So he called me in a panic expecting that I would take over and do everything for him. Nope. I sent him another PDF of his probation conditions and said "Here ya go!".

Upshot is, he made a phone call to have 'someone' explain everything to him and was told he will be serving 14 days starting tomorrow. IF he even remembers to show up, that is! I'm half convinced that he'll be drunk and forget or 'not bother with any of it', which is also something he said he'd thought of doing. I know, 14 days on a DUI is a joke, but whatever.

It sounds to me as if he 'forgot' to tell whoever he spoke to that he has not met a single one of the probation conditions AND that during the period he will be in jail he also has a hearing on revocation of probation due to the 911/resisting arrest charges. But the best part of it is that for whatever reason, he thinks jail is like a hotel, a rehab, or something. He's expecting a 'private room'. If I'd had tea in my mouth I'd have spat it out. He also made it sound as if he expects to have his cell phone. I didn't bother saying anything, I'm sure they'll let him know what's what. And at least I know he won't be able to call me for those 14 days, half of which I will be spending at the beach house I've rented.

DS2 will be in town on Saturday and wants to go to the house to get some of his things. This will be the first time he's been there in a year. He knows the house is a disaster, but I think the shock will be severe when he actually sees the state of it. I'm meeting him there but he has requested that I let him deal with his reactions 'on his own' and not try to comfort him or ask him questions about how he's feeling. I've agreed.