Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 6

[pointythings]

A new thread so that the conversations can continue overnight. We have sadly been very active lately, so I thought it best to be proactive.

These threads are for everyone who has an alcoholic in their life: partner/husband/wife, sibling, child, parent. This is a safe space where you can vent and say all the things you can't say out loud in real life.

The people on these threads have all been there or are still on their journey. We will share what we have learned, crack dark jokes and offer a shoulder to cry on. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?page=40&reply=153683715

True. You are a nicer person than me. Tho I have a young dd that he lets down constantly and sometimes be easier if …….

Thanks for the support everyone, and I’m so sorry to those posters who are going through this too.

Mine’s gone without a second glance and will inevitably be on Tinder by now. I’m finding it really hard to come to terms with the fact that he’s been so abusive for the past couple of years and I’ve just… Taken it? I used to consider myself a strong person. Now I feel like I’m falling apart.

Massive hugs @AcrossthePond55, that is a lot going on in your life. Definitely time to get APS involved. Sending you love x

@Hellodarknes55 your situation sounds so hard. I know saying no more is so so hard, but it might be time to do that. I cant begin to imagine how wearing it must be for you mentally.

Sending hugs @AcrossthePond55 what an awful shock & such a feeling of helplessness. I totally understand wanting to keep supporting even from a distance, but it sounds like you've reached your limit now & thats absolutely ok, you are your first priority.

@Penguinsandspaniels

I don't think I'm nicer than you at all. Your DD is what makes the difference between us. I'm sure if my sons were young I'd be Madame Rabid Tigress and he could go fuck himself.

We can deal with the hurt they inflicted on us before we broke free, but we cannot deal with the hurt they continue to inflict on our children. Yes, I'm angry at the hurt he's inflicted on my sons, but as adults theyhey don't need me to deal with it for them. They have channeled that hurt into disdain and anger.

Spoke to the nurse in charge of his case today. He is being treated for withdrawal, although she said it's more as a preventative than that he was showing symptoms. But he was severely dehydrated and his electrolytes were severely imbalanced, so that's being treated too.

My sons and I are convinced that he'll accept that he almost died, but that his overriding feeling will be "Yeah, but I didn't so it's all good". There will be no change in him, no Damascene conversion. It'll all be back to the status quo.

APS Intake wasn't much help. I made a report and they'll 'open a case' but basically I was told that if he refuses their services there's not much they can do about it. So I'm looking at this as the first step in building a case for the Public Guardian. And it looks like I'm in for a long slog. I'm just hoping that the APS social worker takes me up on my offer to let them in the house to see how he's living. At this point hopefully they can at least make a finding that he is 'not safe' in the house even if he does refuse to accept their help.

You aren't falling apart. You were 'apart' already due to his abusive behaviour tearing you down. It's just that you're seeing it now he's gone. So now is the time to start sticking yourself back together. Counseling can help. Feeling the peace that's now around you helps too. You'll find yourself again, you really will. Give yourself grace and time.

As far as him being on Tinder, just be glad he's gone and spare some pity for the unfortunate women he'll manage to bamboozle. At least it won't be you.

You may be right. I am strong because of her. I kicked dh out coz of dd. She deserved better for a dad

and to have a happy non shouty childhood

I hope aps will enter the property tho surely All the A&E visits mean ambulance people have seen the state of the house and how he lives

is there a reason why guy don’t sell the house - tho in a state - or you. And as need his permission. Surely any judge would say yes sell and split proceeds

@SnakeJuice glad dh has gone. You will find relief tho understandable at the moment you need to think of toddler and preg. When is baby due ?

I have an order to sell the house and a 50/50 split, but it's worded that he 'is required to consent'. If he doesn't (and he won't) it means another court battle and attorney fees. I'd win, but I'd have to pay for it.

Even if he did consent I can't force him to pay to clean anything up. I'd have to pay probably 5 figures up front and try to claim it back from the profit and that's an 'if' not a 'when' because who knows it there will be enough profit to cover my expenses even after the house is cleaned. I already owe him money from my 50% share as a condition of my keeping intact another asset that was considered community property. This means that I might walk away with nothing having forked out 5 figures.

The other thing is that even if he consented to the sale and agreed to cooperate in showings, I still wouldn't be allowed to remove his belongings as part of the 'cleanup', so, back to court for a 3rd court battle to try and force him or failing that to get permission to remove them and having to pay for it myself and once again try to claim it back.

If the Public Guardian gets involved, I'd be working with them to try to get the house sold and as his conservator, they would have the power to pay for cleanup*, remove and store his crap or dispose of it out of his funds.

*Technically cleanup should be 50/50, but I can file an 'injured spouse' claim with them stating that the mess was created after I left so I should not have to pay for it. I'm sure I'd have to pay for things like paint or minor fixes, but not for the biohazard he's created.

So, that's why I'm not pushing the house sale at this point. It'd cost me probably 10s of 1000s and net me very little if anything at all. At its best the house is old and doesn't meet modern safety standards. It would be sold 'as is' and probably for cash which greatly reduces the price. Honestly, I wouldn't mind walking away with nothing because it sold for what we owe on it, but I don't want to walk away being in the hole.

As far as APS, there have been numerous complaints filed by police, fire, EMS, and the hospital. Fire Dept responders actually took pictures and submitted them. The 'block' seems to be that by the time APS gets to him he's recovered enough 'sense' to answer their questions correctly (should do, he's done it a zillion times) so they determine he's 'capable' and allowed to refuse services. I'm hoping that actually entering the house (and smelling it!!) might change their minds. No one in their right mind would live in that filth.

Hi group.
Please is anyone able to share positive feedback/experiences of your loved one getting help for alcohol dependency.
The circs:
My partner has admitted to being dependent on alcohol. He can go all day without it but craves it after a working day. But admits to not knowing when to stop.
There is no abuse of any kind and he is a loving kind and thoughtful man but admit he has to lie about his drinking and hides it.
I understand it takes a lot for anyone to admit they have this illness so I am prepared to stand by him and support him.
He had already cut down by 50% but every few weeks he will have one too many.
He has health conditions which alcohol doesn’t help at all and at high risk of heart attack or stroke already.
He has taken the step to self refer to CGL and we are going there on the weekend.
I want to believe he will change but words mean nothing without action.
Alcohol intake: Mon-Thurs 4 cans of beer. Fri-Sun 8 can of beer. It may not sound like a lot but given his medical conditions (Type 2 diabetic, high cholesterol, Alcohol cardiomyopathy, fatty liver) this is not good for him.
Anyone able to share positive success story with alcoholic partner reducing/cutting out alcohol for the better?
TIA

I won't lie to you: it happens rarely. If your partner thinks he can still drink a little bit, he's fooling himself, and you.

My sister's partner is 15 years sober. And that means not drinking alcohol at all.

Hi @hopingforthebest266 it’s very rare tbh

@AcrossthePond55 brother is sober but her dh isn’t

and there is a lady on here whose dh I think is 3/4mths sober but can’t rem name

and my friends dh and who was my dh friend as joined aa together is and almost 5yrs

and what my dh should be but isn’t - he might be a day sober ha ha ha not - as stupid texts he sent at 2am means he 99% drank yesterday

I know it’s not what you went to hear Currently but actions speak more then words but he needs to stop drinking totally

1-2 isn’t possible

@hopingforthebest266

Yes, my brother is now 11 years sober after being an alcoholic for 30 years. There were many attempts to get sober via rehab, cold turkey, AA, Life Ring just about any way you can imagine. He can't even tell you exactly what the impetus was that finally made it 'click' but one day he just stopped. He's living and loving his life now. Has moved to another US state where he has a really good friend and he's happy as Larry there.

So it can happen. But I agree with others that it's a real rarity. And it has to be the addict that drives the effort on their own. We can just stand back and watch and encourage. But the actual effort to find and use what works for them is all on them.

As far as my DH, I've given up the ghost. He will most likely drink himself to death.

And on the subject of DH, he's home and drinking. No surprise.

And I've pretty much been told that all my efforts as far as getting him into a safe and non biohazard living situation will probably be for naught. No one, it seems, has the power to force him to do anything. I'm still going to pursue APS and the Public Guardian but expect nothing. So at least when I'm asked why I'm not doing anything, I'll be able to honestly answer "I've tried everything. There is nothing more I can do". And I'm certainly not going to fork over 10s of 1000s of my own financial security to try to force any issues. Especially because it probably wouldn't work.

The house will continue to rot and I'll just have to be at peace with that. It'll end when whichever of us dies first, dies.

@AcrossthePond55 acceptance is hugely powerful when you have an addict in your life. Never easy or comfortable, but powerful.

@pointythings

You're right. Acceptance is powerful, but uncomfortable. It is what it is.

@hopingforthebest266 My DB is 24 years clean and sober from alcohol and coke. My DM is 13 years sober. DD came out of rehab last week and is currently 31 days clean and sober from drugs and alcohol. It’s really tough but there is hope. I’m finding Al-anon really helpful right now. I’m finding DD being sober so much more difficult than when she was drinking - there’s so much to lose now. I’m trying to focus on me and look after myself.

So your brother mum and daughter all have issues with alcohol

do you drink @Harddaysnight1

No, I used to have the odd glass of wine rarely but since menopause I stopped completely. It just makes me feel so ill now. Ironically I’ve just been diagnosed with non-alcoholic fatty liver disease whilst all the alcoholics in my family have perfectly functioning livers. My other (tee-total) brother has the same diagnosis. You couldn’t write it!

@hopingforthebest266 I am prepared to stand by him and support him. We all felt that way, once. Many of us here, if not all, supported our partners for years, until it dawned on us that we were doing them no good at all and doing ourselves untold harm. It is lovely that you have hope, but do bear in mind that your happiness shouldn't rest on whether he stops drinking or doesn't.

This 100%

hopefully you will have the happy after and he gets his shit into place and stops drinking

if he cuts down or has one here and there , it will rise again

it needs to be never again to drink ever !

I must have forgiven /ignored /supported dh countless times all the lies and possible drinking (where now it’s obv he was drinking as don’t see him daily and can tell he’s pissed literally from a text or call in seconds)

and his so convincing im not drinking etc - so much gas lighting in hindsight

he needs to stop for him self. Not for you or kids or family

@hopingforthebest266

Do what feels right to you, my friend. Just remember that you have the absolute right to stop standing by and supporting him at any time. Just don't destroy your own happiness in the process. Remember, you aren't required to set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

You matter, too.

Hi everyone. Sorry to gatecrash. I’m really going through it at the moment.

My partner is in denial about his drinking. His drink of choice is red wine, and he often has two or three bottles every night. It’s hard to tell because he buys a box of wine the same as four bottles, at least every other day.

He hasn’t worked properly for years and stays up every night and sleeps during the day. He has diagnosed depression and takes anti-depressants but I think the alcohol negates the benefit of them.

I feel like a dried out husk. I’m so lonely. He has become more and more selfish. I pay for everything. He uses the bit of money he makes on booze but uses the joint account when he runs out. I’ve also ‘loaned’ him nearly £3k in the past year when his work really cut down. This is on top of paying all the mortgage, bills, food, gifts for his family etc. He’s not even generous with the housework to compensate.

It’s my first day back at work tomorrow after the summer holidays. I went to school today to get stuff sorted and he texted at 1pm to say he’d stayed up even later than usual and was going to bed but he’d get up just before I normally go to bed at 10pm so I shouldn’t sleep on the sofa. When he usually goes on an extended session, I can’t face lying next to him snoring and smelling the wine fumes.

I sometimes fantasise about him dying in bed and being free from it all. I know that sounds fucking awful. I don’t tell anyone about this at all.

My savings are dwindling. The house is a state. I have no oomph to do anything about it. On top of it all, he seems to be in almost laughably good health. The only thing I notice is that he belches and does this weird inward hiccup thing all the time he’s awake. He’s loud all the time when he’s awake.

I don’t know that anyone can actually help because I know I need to make the break but I’m frozen by the sheer weight of it all.

@Legofanaticuk I'm so sorry that you're in this position. Unfortunately there are many people on this thread who either currently are, or have been, where you are.

What's holding you there?

@Legofanaticuk you know you need to leave, you know there's a problem and that's the first step done. For the rest it's like eating an elephant - you do it one bite at a time. What's your priority - not living with him? If so, look into the terms of your tenancy if you are renting, or the state of your mortgage if you own.

You're currently linked financially - so set up a bank account that is just yours. Pay into the joint only for essential expenses (i.e. NOT alcohol) and start having your wages paid into an account only you can access.

Are you married? If so, start the divorce process. It isn't difficult, you can do it online and we have no fault divorce. If you're not divorced then it's just money and the house to disentangle, so start looking to see if you would be entitled to any financial support.

Above all, DO NOT consider him in this. At all. This is about you (and if you have DC it's about them). You do not have to rescue him.

Lastly, wishing him dead is normal. Do not feel guilty about it at all. Many of us on here have done the same.