Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 6

[pointythings]

A new thread so that the conversations can continue overnight. We have sadly been very active lately, so I thought it best to be proactive.

These threads are for everyone who has an alcoholic in their life: partner/husband/wife, sibling, child, parent. This is a safe space where you can vent and say all the things you can't say out loud in real life.

The people on these threads have all been there or are still on their journey. We will share what we have learned, crack dark jokes and offer a shoulder to cry on. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?page=40&reply=153683715

It is really hard to be a working mum when have an alcoholic as a dh /ex - as obv we can’t leave our kids with them knowing he may drink

I feel I’m constantly on a hamster wheel running and working and looking after dd

in 6yrs it will get easier , I hope , as older to be left alone - I’m pretty sure she won’t be getting drunk at 14/16 due to how dh has been - she hates drunk people

so you have a toddler now and preg ? Or meant previously when toddler was young, police removed him

Hi @SnakeJuice , welcome to the most supportive corner of Mumsnet.

What a tough situation to be in! You have my absolute sympathy; you also have my absolute respect, because he is your ex. You've taken the biggest step and now it's all about rebuilding. And I know you can do it because you've already done the hardest bit. Come and lean on us here, there is power in knowing you aren't alone.

@SnakeJuice welcome. Thats a hard situation, but think how much better your life, and your toddler's, will be without an aggressive drunk in your home.

Welcome @SnakeJuice it's so hard isn't it, but well done for making the decision to make him your ex. I have no words of advice but there are some amazing posters on this thread with so much experience it really does help in the tough time.

Thanks everyone for your posts on together-apart. Deep down I know you're right & once it's dome it's done. If he wanted to work on the marriage that much he would have done it before this point. Yesterday i felt impossibly sad. Today i have my big girl pants on & am trying to plan stuff to do this weekend that he won't want to join in with. I need to bring that bit of distance back for my own sanity.

It is sad when a marriage ends but when you have tried and given them chance after chance etc and they don’t change ……

Thanks everyone. I am currently pregnant with a toddler. Spoke to social services again today and they’re recommending no contact. I hope he sees this as rock bottom but I doubt it.

It's good that you have Social Services backing for no contact, that puts you in a position of strength which makes it easier for you to say no when he makes demands.

Ah I did read it correctly

it will be tough but you will cope and life will be better just the 3 of you when baby is born

do you have support from friends and family

Come to stay with bil, accompanied dh in an aim to keep an eye, only to get up this morning to bil asleep in the sitting room, half a bottle of whiskey drunk, I believe DH did not partake but it's a crap feeling

Bil may surface early evening

Not here so we’re moving closer to my family. Will still be an hour away as I’ll need to commute but it’s better than nothing.

Ex is still, apparently, furious with me. I wish he would sober up enough to reflect on his behaviours, but I know he won’t. It’s very sad.

Sadly even when they sober up. They think they did nothing wrong. Or that their behaviour is our fault and if we hadn’t done abc they wouldn’t have to drink etc

they never take accountability for their own actions

hope you get support once you move

In my admittedly bitter experience, the chances of him sobering up and reflecting are remote. He will deflect and blame so he can justify his drinking in his own head. Or he will cry and make meaningless promises in an effort to get back to 'normal' life with you and keep drinking. Everything he says and does will be driven by his need for another drink. Don't take any of it to heart. Just focus on you and your kids.

Welcome @SnakeJuice , we're all here for you.

I think when you have a loved one who is an alcoholic you really need to wipe the phrase 'rock bottom' from your vocabulary. Otherwise you'll be thinking 'Oh this is the rock bottom time' after time after time. I know I have! And chances are it won't be and may never be 'rock bottom' to them. Things that would make us do a 180 and change our lives simply don't even register with them. Or it's someone else's fault. I think it was @pointythings things who said something along the lines that for some of them rock bottom is death. I've pretty much accepted that that is what it will be for my DH. It hurts like hell, but so does tormenting myself with 'Maybe this time....." over and over and over.

Right now you need to focus solely on yourself and your children. Especially on yourself. You have a right to a peaceful and calm life. Do what works for you! There is nothing wrong with that.

Remember the wise words we've all learnt through hard experience:

You didn't cause this.
You can't cure this.
You can't control this.

Your DH will find a way to drink and no amount of keeping an eye and no number of 'babysitters' is going to stop him. It's best to just back away, for your own sake and sanity.

Dh has never found rock bottom and has lost his

home
marriage
seeing our dd daily
seeing his older adult boys at all
friends
job
van
health on many tablets
getting out /seeing anyone

yet still drinks as soon as get his uc

I am back.
Apologies about my absence but I haven’t really been able to face coming here.
i apologise that I haven’t been able to offer support to anyone else.

Things are bad with my son. He managed about 4 months without alcohol. He didn’t do anything though and had no support which makes no sense to me when the money had to be found for a residential detox.

He went to “Bristol” to see friends but actually went to Amsterdam - we have found out more details as time has passed. Drank the whole time, seemingly was sexually assaulted by a man, let the friends down he went with as he couldn’t stop drinking. Lost his bag, meds. Came home again with duty free. Drank all of that, phoned 111 and then slit his throat. Ambulance and then hospital kicked him out at 5am after stitching his throat. (He looks like Herman Munster now)
since then he has been drinking and lying about everything. Swallowing any pills he can get his hands on. Deliveries arriving at all times of the day and night. 3 takeaways and a vodka delivery in one night then days of not eating.
so tired of it all.
We told him after detox that he wasn’t allowed drink in the house and would have to leave if he drank.
the alcohol place told me that they will support him in finding accommodation but only if he says why he wants to go.
genuinely, I feel unsafe with him. The other night I drove up the road to find him lying on the verge with a bag full of cider and a bottle of vodka. Got him home and he started screaming at me.
I want him out.

If anyone has any advice for getting someone out of their home, please let me know. He has no money, no job. We have spent the last 15 months paying for a flat that he spent 3 weeks in and cannot afford to do it anymore. Nor do I want to be financially linked to him.

Love and light to all of you here.

Yep. Mine had a similar long list, and the last thing he lost was his life.

@Hellodarknes55 I am so sorry to hear it's gone so wrong.

But your son has no automatic right to live with you. He isn't paying you rent, so you can evict him. You have to give him notice (do this formally and in writing). He will kick off hugely - if he does, call the police. It's time to take care of yourself now. It will be hard, it will be horrible, but it has to be done.

No need to apologise @Hellodarknes55. I was wondering how things were for you as hadn’t been in this thread

I’m so sorry things are so bad. I am shocked that hospital just allowed him home after his suicide attempt and didn’t need to speak to a psychiatrist or anyone in mental health

dh had to speak to people after he got drank and sat on beachy head sending me pics (I will never forgive him for this due to dh 1 death) and said he wasn’t depressed and not going to kill self

he had to speak to a psychiatrist and also social worker and his doctor to say they actually no he wasn’t going to self harm

I think as hard as it is you kick him out. Change the locks and say no more to DS

mind games !!

s

@Hellodarknes55 I am so sorry. That sounds horrific and you must be at the end of your tether. the alcohol place told me that they will support him in finding accommodation but only if he says why he wants to go. this seems spectacularly unhelpful of them. He doesn't want to go. You need him to leave for your own sanity and safety. Start the process of formal eviction. If he starts screaming at you again, or is threatening violence, call the police immediately, and get them to remove him. Once he is out, he will keep drinking or he'll stop. There is nothing you can do to affect his outcome. But it is abundantly clear that he is currently taking you down with him. Again, I am so very sorry.

That will be next. Just when.

Oh @Hellodarknes55 holy hell, I'm so sorry!

I agree, it has come time for him to leave. Remember 'don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm'. Even when that someone is your own child. Just know that you are doing the right thing for all of you. Sometimes we just have to give up.

I'm not familiar with UK law. Here you'd just be able to lock him out since there is no formal tenancy agreement.

Little update on my situation. I hadn't heard from DH for about 3 days and he wasn't answering the phone. So I went over and found him lying on the floor hardly able to speak his mouth was so dry and and he was mlldly hallucinating. He had no idea how or when he fell, but from the state of him it was obvious it had been quite some time.

I called 911 and they couldn't even start an IV because his veins had collapsed he was so severely dehydrated. From my 'timetable' of his last movements in the house and EMS triage, we think he'd been lying there for 48-60 hours. If I had waited 8 more house he probably would have died. He was also in a great deal of pain. So he's at the hospital, I haven't heard anything yet.

So along with HelloDarkness' feeling it's time to give up, so do I. I plan to call APS (Adult Protective Services) in the morning. He's always refused to let them visit but I'm going to see if I can arrange to meet a worker at the house so they can see the squalor he's living in. Since my name is on the house I have a right to enter. Maybe 'officialdom' can do what I can't and force him into some sort of care facility. There are some pretty strong laws here against involuntary commitment so I think it will be easier if APS gets involved. Where that may take me wrt the selling of the house and the 'dispersal' of his own belongings, I don't know. Those are tomorrow problems. I've told our sons. One is out of town on business, the other one says he thinks it's the right move. None of us want the role of Conservator and we're hoping APS will move towards the Public Guardian, although I know they avoid taking on cases when there are family members they can try to force into doing it. My legal separation will probably protect me against coercion. The boys lives will hopefully protect them One lives 2+ hours away, the other travels frequently for work.

So now, I'm going to take a nice shower and then find something mindless to watch. My emotions haven't hit me yet.

Bloody hell, @AcrossthePond55 . That's a lot. FWIW I think your proposed approach is the right one. He's clearly not safe to live alone. And yes, it's time to properly give up and walk away.

Wow @AcrossthePond55. So if you hadn’t of gone there he would now be dead

tho it’s not up to you to keep checking on him

Most likely.

tho it’s not up to you to keep checking on him

True. But emotion and the fact that we have such a long mostly good history makes me feel some, not responsibility exactly, I don't know exactly what it is. All I know is, right now, I can't turn my back on him anymore than I could turn my back on a suffering animal. He's helpless, I know through his own choice, but I can't mentally think "Just die then". I'm not there, I may never be.

But that's why I want to get APS involved. If they 'take over' responsibility for him I can back away knowing he's cared for. And they can bear the legal expense of becoming his conservator.