Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 6

[pointythings]

A new thread so that the conversations can continue overnight. We have sadly been very active lately, so I thought it best to be proactive.

These threads are for everyone who has an alcoholic in their life: partner/husband/wife, sibling, child, parent. This is a safe space where you can vent and say all the things you can't say out loud in real life.

The people on these threads have all been there or are still on their journey. We will share what we have learned, crack dark jokes and offer a shoulder to cry on. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?page=40&reply=153683715

So dh will def go to jail then for 14 days

may shown him

a room to self and a morning cuppa pmsl

he may get room service. Ha ha

@AcrossthePond55 I think your son is wise in his decision to confront and process the shitshow he will find for himself. It will maintain his resolve, help him lose any false hope he may have remaining, and not lay any of it on you.

Your husband is due for a very rude awakening...

So as is par for the course for him, he's decided to 'check in' this morning instead of showing up at the time he was told to show up.🙄 He toddled off about 6.30 this morning. Whatevs.

@pointythings I'm sure you're right. He's also got his DP to talk to. I need to remember that I'm not his #1 for emotional support anymore, she is. And that is as it should be.

@Penguinsandspaniels I'm assuming so. I don't know if they do 'time off for good behaviour' on such a short sentence or for DUI. There is an online 'look up' for our county jail so hopefully I'll be able to see an 'expected release' date in a day or two. I hope he does serve the full 14. I don't know if you've ever read 'The Ransom of Red Chief', but I have a feeling that will rapidly become his 'prison name'. That may possibly result in him being released early lol.

Sorry I've been awol for a bit, nothing's changed here. The pity party for 1 continues, accompanied these days by nightly screaming caused by so called nightmares. I believe the first one was a real nightmare, but because I went & layed next to him in the bed to help him settle after it there's been one every night since. Yet again he's taken my kindness for weakness & im having to endure the drama because I've abandoned him in his hour of need. One day I will learn to grey rock.
I did however manage to sneak out for a couple of hours with the grandkids one afternoon which was utterly glorious! If one good thing has come out of this mess it's the strength of the relationship ive developed with the grandkids mum, im so excited for some of the future plans we are making!

I’m excited you have lovely plans ahead @Ebananascroogey! Since I split with Ex over a year ago, it’s been like my personal
mission to make as much as I can of my time with DC before they fly the nest. Now that I am free from ex, I can see just how much headspace and emotional
energy was spent on worrying about him or trying to fix him during his spiral years. I was definitely not a present mum and I feel super guilty about that.

onwards and upwards - just because you ‘slipped’ and showed compassion to nightmare 1, doesn’t mean you can’t grey rock now. We all have slips, it’s the nature of the madness of having someone else’s addiction in our lives

@Ebananascroogey

I agree with @Nogoodusername . There's no reason you can't back up and continue your grey rock. And if he doesn't like it, tough. He is an adult, he can handle it!!

I can't tell you the number of times I 'see sawed' with my resolutions to leave DH to handle his own disasters. But each time I found my resolution and rebuilt those barriers. And yes I was (and am) accused of being cold, not loving him, a bitch, and many other things. But you know what? I don't care. After the way he's treated me his words have no power to hurt me ever again. So think carefully when he prates on about being 'abandoned'. Because if you look at his past behaviour, he has in fact 'abandoned' you for alcohol. Just as all our alcoholics have 'abandoned' us.

And hooray for plans!! Although I'm not able to travel now due to our, now my, elderly dog, you would not believe the travel plans I have for 'some day'. Indulge yourself!

Oh FGS!! I just checked and his listed release date is MONDAY!! He was told 14 days and it looks like he will only serve FOUR. Fuck!

I am just furious. This is a man who has never truly suffered a serious consequence in his life. No wonder he doesn't stop drinking. He has yet to suffer a 'real' penalty for it. Lost his license? No prob, he now has a chauffeur (Uber). Go to jail? No prob, just a short stint in AC during a 100°+ weekend. Lost his wife, family, and dog? Well, that's just a good reason to be a martyr which is a good excuse to keep drinking, so no problem there either!!

I was also looking forward to 14 days of peace, especially while I'm at the beach. Grrrrrr!!!!!

Ah god that is ridiculous @AcrossthePond55. Block him, send all unknown numbers to voicemail and enjoy your beach time.

Legal consequences will catch him in the end, that I am certain of.

@Nogoodusername

I do plan to block him the day I leave and keep it that way until I get back home for sure.

I can only think that his 'advanced age' and jail overcrowding is why he's being released early. DH is in county jail, but maybe they're having the same issue as my state is. My state is currently trying to reduce the state prison population by releasing prisoners 'of advanced age' because the theory is they're 'too old to be harmful'. Shit's hitting the fan because they've tried to release two serial child predators, one of whom has admitted that he would 'likely attempt to offend again'. Right now it's tied up in court because no counties are willing to take them.

The funny/not funny thing is DH has a probation hearing the day I leave regarding the new charges and whether or not his probation should be revoked. I don't know exactly what will happen but maybe he'll end up back in jail for the remaining 10 days.

Who knows, who cares, right? I'll be sitting in the sun sipping a cherry coke with crushed ice. Maybe I'll even put a little umbrella in it!

As far as justice catching up with him, I just don't know. I've known another person who just seemed to sail thought life with no consequences for her, shall we say, 'ways'. She shat on many people from a great height and to my knowledge has never gotten any consequences for it. I think some people were just born under that proverbial lucky star. I'm just not one of them lol.

@Ebananascroogey you laid beside him ? You are so much nicer than me !

but yah for plans with gc and mum

@AcrossthePond55 don't give him another thought. Even if the consequences that will come for him in the end are of the terminal kind. It is still not your circus and not your monkeys. Your plan of blocking him while you are on holiday by the beach is perfect, now go off and enjoy your cherry coke. With an umbrella and a slice of lemon resting decoratively on the edge of the glass.

@Ebananascroogey don't beat yourself up for having a good heart. Grey rock is a difficult art to learn.

Thank you everyone, you have so much kindness & patience, it helps so much. That's why im posting here now instead of responding to his pathetic texts about needing a cuddle!

@AcrossthePond55 I'm so sorry the sentence is so much shorter than you expected. I really hope it doesn't encroach on your break & you get the peace to relax that you so deserve.

4 days ffs @AcrossthePond55 what was their reasoning apart form the fact costs them a lot of money

maybe fines would work better for him

enjoy the sun. I’m away and it’s bliss.

@Penguinsandspaniels

I have no idea. There is an online inmate look up that gives an 'expected release date' but no reason for it. I assume it's money and the fact that he's probably considered 'high maintenance' due to his age and physical condition. When he was arrested on the 911/resisting charges he spent the whole time in the jail infirmary so I'm sure they're familiar with him from then. He's in 'general population' (that's on the website too) and all I can hope to make an impact is if he has a 'bad' cellmate. Not wanting harm for him of course, but just someone super annoying. Or better yet, stinky.

He will be liable for additional fines at the revocation of probation hearing. But honestly, nothing phases him. Since I'm paying his bills (since it's my house too) he has no idea what he has or doesn't have in the bank. And he doesn't care as long as he can buy his 12 pack (or two) every day.

Looking likely that it will be cool and cloudy when I'm at the beach. It's OK though because I'll be in 'triple digits' this week so some chill in the air will be perfect. Lemons to lemonade, you know.