Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 6

[pointythings]

A new thread so that the conversations can continue overnight. We have sadly been very active lately, so I thought it best to be proactive.

These threads are for everyone who has an alcoholic in their life: partner/husband/wife, sibling, child, parent. This is a safe space where you can vent and say all the things you can't say out loud in real life.

The people on these threads have all been there or are still on their journey. We will share what we have learned, crack dark jokes and offer a shoulder to cry on. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?page=40&reply=153683715

So dh will def go to jail then for 14 days

may shown him

a room to self and a morning cuppa pmsl

he may get room service. Ha ha

@AcrossthePond55 I think your son is wise in his decision to confront and process the shitshow he will find for himself. It will maintain his resolve, help him lose any false hope he may have remaining, and not lay any of it on you.

Your husband is due for a very rude awakening...

So as is par for the course for him, he's decided to 'check in' this morning instead of showing up at the time he was told to show up.🙄 He toddled off about 6.30 this morning. Whatevs.

@pointythings I'm sure you're right. He's also got his DP to talk to. I need to remember that I'm not his #1 for emotional support anymore, she is. And that is as it should be.

@Penguinsandspaniels I'm assuming so. I don't know if they do 'time off for good behaviour' on such a short sentence or for DUI. There is an online 'look up' for our county jail so hopefully I'll be able to see an 'expected release' date in a day or two. I hope he does serve the full 14. I don't know if you've ever read 'The Ransom of Red Chief', but I have a feeling that will rapidly become his 'prison name'. That may possibly result in him being released early lol.

Sorry I've been awol for a bit, nothing's changed here. The pity party for 1 continues, accompanied these days by nightly screaming caused by so called nightmares. I believe the first one was a real nightmare, but because I went & layed next to him in the bed to help him settle after it there's been one every night since. Yet again he's taken my kindness for weakness & im having to endure the drama because I've abandoned him in his hour of need. One day I will learn to grey rock.
I did however manage to sneak out for a couple of hours with the grandkids one afternoon which was utterly glorious! If one good thing has come out of this mess it's the strength of the relationship ive developed with the grandkids mum, im so excited for some of the future plans we are making!

I’m excited you have lovely plans ahead @Ebananascroogey! Since I split with Ex over a year ago, it’s been like my personal
mission to make as much as I can of my time with DC before they fly the nest. Now that I am free from ex, I can see just how much headspace and emotional
energy was spent on worrying about him or trying to fix him during his spiral years. I was definitely not a present mum and I feel super guilty about that.

onwards and upwards - just because you ‘slipped’ and showed compassion to nightmare 1, doesn’t mean you can’t grey rock now. We all have slips, it’s the nature of the madness of having someone else’s addiction in our lives

@Ebananascroogey

I agree with @Nogoodusername . There's no reason you can't back up and continue your grey rock. And if he doesn't like it, tough. He is an adult, he can handle it!!

I can't tell you the number of times I 'see sawed' with my resolutions to leave DH to handle his own disasters. But each time I found my resolution and rebuilt those barriers. And yes I was (and am) accused of being cold, not loving him, a bitch, and many other things. But you know what? I don't care. After the way he's treated me his words have no power to hurt me ever again. So think carefully when he prates on about being 'abandoned'. Because if you look at his past behaviour, he has in fact 'abandoned' you for alcohol. Just as all our alcoholics have 'abandoned' us.

And hooray for plans!! Although I'm not able to travel now due to our, now my, elderly dog, you would not believe the travel plans I have for 'some day'. Indulge yourself!

Oh FGS!! I just checked and his listed release date is MONDAY!! He was told 14 days and it looks like he will only serve FOUR. Fuck!

I am just furious. This is a man who has never truly suffered a serious consequence in his life. No wonder he doesn't stop drinking. He has yet to suffer a 'real' penalty for it. Lost his license? No prob, he now has a chauffeur (Uber). Go to jail? No prob, just a short stint in AC during a 100°+ weekend. Lost his wife, family, and dog? Well, that's just a good reason to be a martyr which is a good excuse to keep drinking, so no problem there either!!

I was also looking forward to 14 days of peace, especially while I'm at the beach. Grrrrrr!!!!!

Ah god that is ridiculous @AcrossthePond55. Block him, send all unknown numbers to voicemail and enjoy your beach time.

Legal consequences will catch him in the end, that I am certain of.

@Nogoodusername

I do plan to block him the day I leave and keep it that way until I get back home for sure.

I can only think that his 'advanced age' and jail overcrowding is why he's being released early. DH is in county jail, but maybe they're having the same issue as my state is. My state is currently trying to reduce the state prison population by releasing prisoners 'of advanced age' because the theory is they're 'too old to be harmful'. Shit's hitting the fan because they've tried to release two serial child predators, one of whom has admitted that he would 'likely attempt to offend again'. Right now it's tied up in court because no counties are willing to take them.

The funny/not funny thing is DH has a probation hearing the day I leave regarding the new charges and whether or not his probation should be revoked. I don't know exactly what will happen but maybe he'll end up back in jail for the remaining 10 days.

Who knows, who cares, right? I'll be sitting in the sun sipping a cherry coke with crushed ice. Maybe I'll even put a little umbrella in it!

As far as justice catching up with him, I just don't know. I've known another person who just seemed to sail thought life with no consequences for her, shall we say, 'ways'. She shat on many people from a great height and to my knowledge has never gotten any consequences for it. I think some people were just born under that proverbial lucky star. I'm just not one of them lol.

@Ebananascroogey you laid beside him ? You are so much nicer than me !

but yah for plans with gc and mum

@AcrossthePond55 don't give him another thought. Even if the consequences that will come for him in the end are of the terminal kind. It is still not your circus and not your monkeys. Your plan of blocking him while you are on holiday by the beach is perfect, now go off and enjoy your cherry coke. With an umbrella and a slice of lemon resting decoratively on the edge of the glass.

@Ebananascroogey don't beat yourself up for having a good heart. Grey rock is a difficult art to learn.

Thank you everyone, you have so much kindness & patience, it helps so much. That's why im posting here now instead of responding to his pathetic texts about needing a cuddle!

@AcrossthePond55 I'm so sorry the sentence is so much shorter than you expected. I really hope it doesn't encroach on your break & you get the peace to relax that you so deserve.

4 days ffs @AcrossthePond55 what was their reasoning apart form the fact costs them a lot of money

maybe fines would work better for him

enjoy the sun. I’m away and it’s bliss.

@Penguinsandspaniels

I have no idea. There is an online inmate look up that gives an 'expected release date' but no reason for it. I assume it's money and the fact that he's probably considered 'high maintenance' due to his age and physical condition. When he was arrested on the 911/resisting charges he spent the whole time in the jail infirmary so I'm sure they're familiar with him from then. He's in 'general population' (that's on the website too) and all I can hope to make an impact is if he has a 'bad' cellmate. Not wanting harm for him of course, but just someone super annoying. Or better yet, stinky.

He will be liable for additional fines at the revocation of probation hearing. But honestly, nothing phases him. Since I'm paying his bills (since it's my house too) he has no idea what he has or doesn't have in the bank. And he doesn't care as long as he can buy his 12 pack (or two) every day.

Looking likely that it will be cool and cloudy when I'm at the beach. It's OK though because I'll be in 'triple digits' this week so some chill in the air will be perfect. Lemons to lemonade, you know.

This has been very quiet. I hope that means things are ok for everyone

@Penguinsandspaniels

Yes and no.

Yes is that I'm at a lovely house at the beach, just me and the dog, and we're having a wonderful and peaceful time. DS2 and his DP came by today and we BBQ'd steaks and visited a cute little town up the road a bit.

No because DH is doing his usual. Drinking, 911, ER, Uber home. I had actually stopped by the property to grab something out of our caravan and as I was leaving EMS & cops showed up. I went in with them and there he was, drunk with no idea why he'd called them. He declined transport. EMS told me to go ahead and leave so I did. I think they wanted me to leave so they could read the riot act 'not very politely' to him. Then he had his probation violation hearing yesterday. I did call to see what happened but he says he has 'no memory' of what was said. Fine.

So as of yesterday about 3pm as soon as I got off the phone, I am living strictly minute by minute enjoying the sand, surf, and salt air.

Hope things are peaceful for you, too.

Sorry things are the same with dh @AcrossthePond55. I am amazed how patience the police and hospital are with him being drunk and calling all the time

tho the bbq and ds and bf sound lovely and chilling with dog sounds nice

They were way too patient with my mum too. They're trained not to judge but it must be so frustrating for them! They did stop taking my mum to hospital after the third time; instead, they just patched her up and left her until the next alcohol induced fall.

@AcrossthePond55 do continue enjoying the seaside peace.

@Penguinsandspaniels quiet here as everything is thankfully peaceful. DH is 4 weeks out of the house now, he’s attending AA meetings regularly, visiting lg for an hr in mornings and hr or 2 in the evenings, definitely no drink taken. Still bringing me coffee every morning, he is trying his best I believe. I’ve told him 6 months minimum to prove he’s serious about being sober so we will see.
@AcrossthePond55 enjoy the peace by the beach, it sounds lovely :) are u there for long? I am considering booking a night for myself and lg before end of the summer, we are not far from the beach but it would be lovely to just open ur door to the beach in the morning

@Howdidiendupthere I’m glad things are positive for you and dh is really trying not to drink and attending aa

always post eve. If good as lovely to see success 💓

It has been very quiet on here, from my side I’m muddling along, still in refuge which looks like I will be for a while yet. My thoughts are all over the place, probably because my life is upside down at the moment. I used to have my job to keep me grounded and income coming in. Now on benefits, days are long, sometimes it’s nice but I’m stressing about money. I’m also thinking about how it went so wrong with my ex and how much I adored him. I just cannot get my head round how it’s all gone so tits up. For me, my child and yes for him.
I can’t bear the thought of him killing himself with drink. My friend said to me the other day, if he didn’t have an alcohol problem he’s perfect for you. And he was in every other way but the drinking bought out the nasty, aggressive bitter him.
I know that I cannot and won’t live like that but sometimes I miss him so bloody much. I’m also angry that my life and my child’s life has been turned inside out, we are homeless, rootless, jobless, our pets are in foster and it’s all his fault.
I feel so confused about why I still have feelings for him (not that I will go back). It’s just so painful.
And I’m stuck in contract paying for his phone and I can’t afford it, the phone company are not helping because it’s in my name. I’m pissed off about that.
Im looking for work but I have no “official” qualifications and I really don’t want a dead end minimum wage job again. It’s easy to fall into the trap of care work etc but it’s too much physically for me and the hours are so spread out.
I feel really down today, worrying about what to do to get settled asap.
Im angry with myself for missing him, still worrying about him when his actions have put us in this situation.

@pointythings @Penguinsandspaniels

Yes, the ER staff is pretty amazing. It shows me that people don't go into that 'speciality' for the money. They really do care. I'm sure they get frustrated and even angry, but they never show it.

I wish EMS could simply decide not to transport him, but under CA law, they really can't. They have to assess his 'competency' and then he has to tell them that he doesn't want to go. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. I really feel for them. I've actually hidden a key for them because at times he won't answer the door and they have to waste time walking around the outside knocking windows & calling his name. I've also given them verbal permission (since I am still half owner) to enter the house at any time they feel the need, but I'm sure they'd probably need me to OK entry each time.

@Howdidiendupthere

I'm here til Tuesday. Not long enough but that was what fit my budget for this time. The little cottage is actually for sale (dammit) but if it continues as a VRBO I know I'll be back for a longer period. It is simply perfect for me and my 'old goodest boy'. It's small but has french doors that open onto a deck overlooking the estuary and has a fireplace. It's unbelievable quiet and calm. And there are a couple of cute little towns to explore nearby. What more do I need?

I wish I could buy it for a vacation home but it's way out of my league, not that I could afford a vacation home under any circumstances. Probably 750sq ft, 1 bed, 1 bath, and not a full kitchen, listed for usd 900k. That's 670k gbp.

Here's the view from the front door.

@YesIveNamechanged80

I feel so confused about why I still have feelings for him (not that I will go back).

Love doesn't die in a hail of 'angry bullets'. Unfortunately for us it usually dies a slow, lingering, painful (for us) death. What worked for me is acknowledging that I still love him but that love simply isn't enough. My love for DH is different now though, it's not the unconditional love it used to be, it's more 'love from a distance and with no hope'. I've said on here before that I will probably love him until the day I die and that is still true, I just won't ever live with him again. But I am old, financially secure, and have no young children to bring up. And God knows, I do NOT want another man in my life. So it is 'safe' for me to love him in the way I love him now.

For you and others who are younger, with minor children, and who are still in the 'life building' phase it's neither safe nor a good idea to continue to love an alcoholic. So, you just have to accept those feelings, for now, and know that they are unhealthy but also that they will fade with time until they disappear altogether. The thing about acceptance is that it frees us from the draining emotional energy that 'hating the love' causes. It allows us to move forward despite the love. And in the cases of women (and men) who need to let go of those feelings to build new lives, acceptance of them leads to indifference. And indifference, not hate, is really the opposite of love.

You'll get there and you will build a new and happy life. It won't be the life you had, it may even be a 'step backwards' in your standard of living, but it will be a life where you make the rules and you make the decisions. You'll get there, I know you will.

The NHS staff local to me were quite hard on my DH when he was in hospital. He was looked after, but I sensed their irritation that he was taking up a much-needed bed with his 'self-inflicted' injuries. And he was so deeply unpleasant to them that I am sure they raised flags every time he discharged himself. Sometimes it made me sad, because he wasn't always that bedraggled, boorish drunk and I wished they could have known him in the before times. Other times, like when a nurse nearly took his head off for speaking to me rudely, I was grateful for their support. @YesIveNamechanged80 When my DH and I first split up, my feelings for him had to be put in a box. it was not in my or my children's interests to put him first or to wait around for a miracle. I had to just get on with my life, and make it better without him. I wish it had been different, but it was what it was.

@CharlotteByrde

he wasn't always that bedraggled, boorish drunk and I wished they could have known him in the before times.

I wish that too. DH was actually seen quite frequently in the ER of one of the hospitals he now 'frequents' about 10-12 years ago when he had aFib. He went there to be cardioverted any number of times, sometimes 2-3 times a week. But I doubt very much if any of the staff working there now would remember him.

The ER staff has been 'stern' at times with DH nowadays, but never unkind or rude. Not that I'd blame them if they were. I did have one nurse (not at the 'good' hospital) get rude with me and tell me, after I explained why I wouldn't be in a car alone with him, that if I didn't come get him (at 2am) she was going to 'let him just go and roam the streets'. I asked her if she was aware that she'd given me her name and that if she did that I would report her to both the hospital administrator and the nursing board. She backed down and saw that he got home safely.