Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 6

[pointythings]

A new thread so that the conversations can continue overnight. We have sadly been very active lately, so I thought it best to be proactive.

These threads are for everyone who has an alcoholic in their life: partner/husband/wife, sibling, child, parent. This is a safe space where you can vent and say all the things you can't say out loud in real life.

The people on these threads have all been there or are still on their journey. We will share what we have learned, crack dark jokes and offer a shoulder to cry on. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?page=40&reply=153683715

@Nogoodusername

Isn't that the truth! In the "Before Times" he may have not been a fashion plate, but his clothes were always nice, neat, and clean. In fact, he always did his own laundry because he was so particular. This change in him is one of the things that my mind really can't grasp.

I've also discovered I've gone 'mind blind' to the state of the house. I see it when I'm there but I've found that once I'm away, my mind won't really visualize it. I know it, but I don't see it in my mind's eye. I suppose it's a coping mechanism.

Chuck the shitty clothes @AcrossthePond55

But take photos first so you can show them to the authorities…. show his absolute lack of self care and that he’s willing to live in such unhygienic conditions… it is grim🤢

@Penguinsandspaniels

Oh I have pics for sure. They'll be part of the packet that goes to APS.

But unfortunately I can't chuck them. They are 'his property' and I don't have the right to dispose of them, any more than he has the right to dispose of the clothing I have there still. Luckily mine are mostly things I will probably donate at some point and are in an upstairs closet and he never goes upstairs, probably because he realizes he'd probably go ass over teakettle either going up or coming down.

BTW, did anyone beside me see the thread a few days ago about who can/should be allowed to call themselves an alcoholic? I lost the thread, but it was along the lines of 'can someone who stopped drinking 20 years ago still call themselves an alcoholic?' (not exact title). OP seemed to indicate that if you've been sober a long time you are no longer an alcoholic and shouldn't refer to yourself as such.

It was by turns amusing and infuriating. I didn't post on it and ended up just backing away.

That thread was bananas. All I know is that my Dsis' partner still refers to himself as an alcoholic, and he is 15 years sober. It's so crucial not to get complacent in recovery.

@pointythings

That's what the OP didn't seem able to comprehend. That the strong desire to drink never leaves you, it's something they will have to fight every day, maybe multiple times during the day, for the rest of their lives. It's one of the things I admire so much about my brother. God knows I wake up everyday thinking "Today I will stick to my diet and not eat cake/too much/a takeaway" and that is nothing, NOTHING, compared to someone saying they are resolved not to drink.

I don't know what her point was. That only someone who is currently drinking or who has been sober only a year or so should be allowed to 'claim the title' of alcoholic? I don't get why she cared. Also, I don't think she took into account that someone who has been sober 10, 20, 30 years will serve as such an inspiration to those just starting out, or who are struggling.

OK, rant over. It's probably just as well that I lost that thread.

Oh yes I saw it

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5584676-youre-not-an-alcoholic?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

What made me laugh was a lady who posts on the how to give up drinking thread as I do sometimes read other threads in this section so I recognise her name

I won’t out her on here but she has relapsed a few times on the other thread but her reply on the linked above one makes out she been sober for years

@Penguinsandspaniels

Yep, that's the one. I don't know if I dare venture further for fear of an apoplexy.

Maybe she's knowingly lying, maybe she's like DH who, frankly, is truly deluding himself. Early in this 'go round' he was insisting he'd been sober for 8 weeks prior to his latest admission. It was barely 24 hours, if that.

But I honestly think he believes it himself, and I think it's due to damage to his brain from his drinking. My brother said it could also be due to 'black out drinking'. He said he could lose blocks of time after benders like that.

Mine was utterly delusional. I guess they all are. To justify continuing to drink when it is destroying everything they once valued, they need to convince themselves (and try and convince everyone around them) that they aren't drinking at all/are drinking far less than they are/have been forced by other people's actions to drink.

And once there's cognitive impairment, the wake up call is never going to come.

@CharlotteByrde

This is the thing that I think I have finally come to accept 99.99% of the time.

It's funny though, how he can occasionally still seem to sort of drag me towards his delusion of stopping drinking. I don't get dragged into it all the way, but that's only because my 'little voice' says "What the hell are you thinking right now? Stop that!!!".

@AcrossthePond55 I guess where there's life there is hope. And when they die, and hope dies with them, there is release in that, along with the sadness and rage.

@AcrossthePond55 that’s coz we want to believe the good in them

was parents evening tonight. Ex was meant to come. Needless to say he didn’t turn up - hasn’t replied to text or phone call and hasn’t been online for 4hrs + so guessing drunk

@Penguinsandspaniels that's so sad. At least he didn't turn up drunk. That would have been so much worse for everyone.

True tho it wasn’t late - 5pm. Couldn’t he have come and then gone home to drink

oh well

@CharlotteByrde @Penguinsandspaniels

Yes, so true. And I think that hope is the very hardest emotion to kill, even harder than love. We can stomp on it with our logic, we can poison it with our thoughts, we can explode it with our rage but the damn thing keeps coming back.

Well, we all know that alcohol is their first love and everything and everyone else must fall by the wayside in their pursuit of it.

There have been many times that DH has had appointments where I've called him in the morning to remind him "Don't drink, you have X at X o'clock". And by Y o'clock when I've called again, he's in no fit state. I've pretty much given up on reminders.

Tbh I didn’t think he had any money

he must have sold something on eBay

no other reason he wouldn’t have gone so …..

@Penguinsandspaniels I am not over all this and I know that because my first reaction to your latest post was to think maybe you should check on him in case he's injured/dead/hospitalisted/in jail. I tell people their alcoholic ex Dh isn't their responsiblilty and to step back, but still can't get that 'rescue him' voice out my head.

Oh he’s fine. He’s shown up on fb and posted crap

I know exactly the voice you mean!!!

@Penguinsandspaniels Drink came first as it always does.

Tho he’s blaming it on his phone not working

@Penguinsandspaniels

They have more excuses than Carter has pills, don't they?

It usually starts out causing me an exasperated sigh, but then I get a moment of anger at "How stupid do you think I am??". Then I remember that to them, their lie is the truth no matter how ridiculous it is.

Going to see DH today to deliver some clothes and reading glasses. I don't stay long because either I end up getting annoyed, or he does.