Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 6

[pointythings]

A new thread so that the conversations can continue overnight. We have sadly been very active lately, so I thought it best to be proactive.

These threads are for everyone who has an alcoholic in their life: partner/husband/wife, sibling, child, parent. This is a safe space where you can vent and say all the things you can't say out loud in real life.

The people on these threads have all been there or are still on their journey. We will share what we have learned, crack dark jokes and offer a shoulder to cry on. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?page=40&reply=153683715

@TheThingOnTheIce yes I still feel sorry (sometimes) when he’s sober and being nice and get the still love you texts. Sorry. Wish I hadn’t fucked up etx

then 2hrs later and a friends seen him down the park drinking vodka

2.5yrs we have been split now and things still no different

or if anything they are but as in he drinks even more and looks awful - old and scraggy and skinny and welts/scabs over his body and I see a pic on timehop etc and think how did he get so bad so fast 😢

@AcrossthePond55i do feel anger. But more over his lying

and how he seems to have given up

I’ve said before I knew it wouid go one of two ways when I kicked him out

that this would finally be rock bottom and quit or that he would drink more as no one to stop him

obv he went the 2nd way

You are nice to help him

tho guess I was as well but doing his washing up the other week and changing his sheets that he shat his self on

anyway great news that you may get money from house if sold

when will they make him sell /let you do it without his agreement - what low level does he have to be on

@Penguinsandspaniels

when will they make him sell /let you do it without his agreement - what low level does he have to be on

As it stands, I do have an order to sell and he is required by law to cooperate. But as with all things 'civil law' the only redress if they won't is to go back to court. What would happen is that a judge would rule him 'in contempt' which would allow the judge to sign the contract with an agent for him and rule that he does not have to sign the final sales contracts only I do or they would be submitted to the judge to sign. There could also be an order to evict if he refuses to allow showings and doesn't get his belongings out. Similar to a tenant being evicted and again, would cost me money. Altogether it would be in the five figures. I could ask that my court costs (and all other expenses related to the sale) come out of his share of the profit, but there is no guarantee it would be approved or that there would be enough in his share to cover my costs.

The other avenue would be to have him declared 'legally incompetent' and have a conservator appointed to act in his best interest. I believe in England this would be called a 'deputy'. But that would be another series of court hearings and as the 'other party' in the sale of the house I cannot be appointed to that role. Probably not as expensive as the forced sale, but still not cheap. It involves lawyers and doctors, and again may end up getting me nowhere because he's very good at passing 'the test' and as an 'interested party' a judge may not altogether be on 'my side'. Not to mention that a court appointed conservator (as opposed to a family member) usually charges fees to manage a conservatee's money. This is why I am hoping that APS or the lawyers handling his 2 current court cases decide to investigate his competency and I can sort of 'piggy back' onto that and that I can get the Public Guardian act as conservator as they usually don't charge since they're funded by the taxpayers. The lawyers indicated to me that there is some sort of competency proceedings having to do with a defendant being able to act in their own defense. They wouldn't confirm it was happening, just that they are 'aware it exists' and 'is not off the table'. They probably shouldn't have told me that much and the only way I'll find out about it is if they need something from me or I attend DH's hearings.

He's back to the place of appearing to be competent, but no one ever really drills down to find how competent he really is. Sure he knows where he is, the day, and what to do if he's in a place that catches on fire. Duh! But he's content to live in filth and thinks he will be able to easily care for a 3 acre property with no help. Before this all spun out of control he was already saying it was getting to be too much and we needed to sell in the next 2-3 years.

I did talk to him again today (phone/text) and he said that 'we' shouldn't sell for at least a year because that's how long it's going to take 'to prepare'. I didn't respond. No point in getting into an argument.

Dh lives in filth as well. A weeks worth of washing up in the kitchen congealing

Bed sheets and towels that haven’t been washed for weeks if not months

just stuff all over his one bed flat

to be blunt @AcrossthePond55 it sounds like you won’t ever sell the house till he is dead

the only way it won’t cost you thousands

@Penguinsandspaniels

I fear you are right. I'm not completely resigned to that fact, but I am determined NOT to put myself in a financial hole to sell it.

It will either be his death or a permanent physical injury or permanent disability that forces him into a facility because he cannot physically get around or care for himself at all (ie a stroke).

Hi,

I have been reading your experiences and they resonate with me. The alcoholic for me is my ex husband. We split up 10.5 years ago, he has had 2 x rehabs, lost more jobs than I can remember, there have been multiple hospital admissions for injuries whilst drunk, he is also incredibly angry when drinking vodka, so can cause a fight in an empty room and there have been multiple arrests too. He met someone a couple of years after we split who delayed the inevitable decline, but more recently, she has kicked him out due to his erratic behaviour. He has been homeless, sleeping in a park and dipped in an out of 2 x hostels for the homeless, being evicted from both due to his drunk behaviour and was arrested last week for threats to kill (his ex) he was trying to convince her to take his life by threatening her with hers, which probably made sense somehow to him.
We have 2 children together who I have shielded as best as I can from this shit show. We moved away to a different area a couple of years ago as I figured I could facilitate the same level of contact if needed from afar and was closer to family support. He didn’t see them when we lived locally very often as did not want them to see him drunk…
He has a conviction for drink driving from 2022 and was 4.5 times over the limit and the level was still going up as he was swigging vodka at the wheel. I too used to use a breathalyser before contact before this conviction. The children were only happy to see him if I was there too, which I facilitated if he was sober.

He has an undiagnosed personality disorder too, he has never been formally diagnosed as hasn’t been sober long enough. He had a bad childhood which contributed to his only coping mechanism when things didn’t go his way for was to hit the booze. It sounds unbelievable to say, but I have forgotten so many of the horrors that happened and incidents because there have been so many and I think it is my brains way of protecting me. It has all rolled into one, I am much more removed from it now though, and have been for years. It was horrendous when I first left. The children are that bit older and aren’t really interested in seeing him/speaking to him and actually don’t really mention him very much. We saw him in the summer holidays on a visit back and he was shockingly thin, but seemed much better as was staying at a hostel. Since then he was evicted and has either been sleeping rough or in a different hostel, which he was evicted from after a few days due to a vodka binge. He drinks beer every day and seems to be ok on that generally, but when he hits the vodka it all descends to chaos pretty quickly and he is deeply unpleasant.

I am sad for the guy he used to be as he doesn’t resemble him at all now and glad I moved us away from having a ringside seat to his decline. Since he was arrested, he has been remanded into prison until his court date. I haven’t told my children where he is right now as I don’t know much information and I am not looking for it either. I am friendly with his ex, she really has tried to help him and save him from this decline, which is why it has probably taken so long for him to fall. I keep thinking that this must be his rock bottom, but then he falls further.

I am wondering too if I need to tell the school, well a really trusted teacher initially, when I do eventually tell the children as he got them free school meals due to his UC (the one useful thing he has done in the last few years) but it is just so fucking embarrassing (still!!) so am just avoiding dealing with anything until I know what is happening to him.

They do seem to follow a script don’t they? I do still struggle to marry up this version of him with the guy I met, yet occasionally you still see glimpses of him.
i just thought I’d share some of my experiences as I have found it beneficial in a way to read yours too. I have been saying for a while he will either end up in prison, hospital or dead, but it’s still a shock when it happens…

Reading all that I am just glad you're out. You have done excellent work protecting your children and you sound detached but compassionate. I hope that as your children grow up, you will be able to continue reducing the headspace this man has in all your lives, because he has made his choices.

Thanks @pointythings me too!

It hasn’t been easy, but I had a breast cancer diagnosis a couple of years after leaving. I am sure the stress I was under from him contributed to it, so that was a wake up call to step back and look after me, as if I didn’t my children really would have been high and dry.

My eldest daughter also had a serious operation around the time of his drink drive court case. We didn’t see him until day 5 post surgery, he wanted a photo of her (so he could show the judge for leniency it transpired later on) again, she had been anxious that he would turn up at the hospital drunk and I had to speak to the nursing staff to say if he did turn up, could they make an excuse for checks on her if he smelt of alcohol. Then of course, she was upset he didn’t show up until day 5…

It is tough having all the decisions re the children to make, but I am glad in a way that he made himself absent due to the drink, rather than still trying to be involved in everything as it definitely made it easier to just get on with it all. I just want the least impactful outcome for my children now with whatever he does….

Good point about him making himself absent. Mine didn't; he pushed for contact to the point where DC blocked him. Fortunately they were 15 and 17 so no chance of him forcing anything through the courts even if he'd been capable of starting that process.

Yes tell the school. They will be supportive and can offer extra support to your dc

ask to see the pastural care officer. She will let those who need to know know

so won’t be everyone. Prob head. Deports and class teacher

Thanks @Penguinsandspaniels I will do once I know what is happening. I just hate being in this position (still) where I have to tell people what he has been up to and it really has got more and more outrageous. My eldest is in her GCSE exam year, so I want to keep any disruption to a minimum if I can. It has knocked me for six, despite it being slightly anticipated, so am sure when it is your Dad it is much worse, so any advice from them will probably be useful.

You are doing brilliantly, but I know how much it sucks. I would definitely let the school know. They may seem to be coping but this may be unsettling/excruciating for them too and counselling can be really useful. My late DH got himself in the local papers at one point. People were very kind (to my face at least!) So many folk have addict relatives or friends of their own.

@noodles44 it is hugely upsetting for a child of any age to have an alcoholic parent, but given your DD's age, it is best to be really honest with her. You know by now what to expect of him - nothing useful at all. Managing your children's expectations is going to be hugely helpful to them in their teens. It's also helpful for them to know that they don't have to be around him if they don't want to be.

Dd almost 10 is getting embarrassed about her pissed dad

so sure teens would be

Thanks @CharlotteByrde
One really good thing now is that we are no longer nearby to it all, so it does make it a little easier to not be in his local area. I can imagine if we were close and they had seen him rough sleeping and looking a state, they would have been mortified. I think his drink drive arrest may have been put onto FB, but never saw it. I’m glad everyone was kind when your H was in the papers. One thing I have found is alcoholism is much more prevalent than you imagine. So many people I have spoken to about my ex have close up experience of an alcoholic.

@pointythings yes, I am always honest, in an age appropriate way. There is stuff they don’t need to know, but I am honest in the kindest way possible for them hopefully. I do frame it as an illness and that he isn’t like this because he doesn’t love them etc etc. I think I have shielded them pretty well in all honesty. They know he drinks and don’t want to be around him when he does drink, but wish he could get sober. They wouldn’t want to see just him on his own, even if sober and haven’t done for years now as either myself or his ex were always there. My youngest is 12 and eldest 15 but I left when they were 2 and 5 and he has had very limited contact with them since then.

@Penguinsandspaniels my two have been embarrassed about their Dad. For a long time they preferred him to visit at our home rather than go somewhere with him so he wasn’t out in public with them.

So it has been over 10 years since you haven’t been together and he just got worse worse

In some ways I’m hoping X doesn’t last 10 years because it is hard on the child as much as she will be upset when he dies. She Isn’thaving good memories of him now.

She never sees him alone. I am always there because he can’t be trusted not to drink and he always says I haven’t had a drink but he’s been seen down the park drinking neat for a bottle of vodka.

Or MUM from school has seen him by behind him in a queue in the shop

And obviously the smell and behaviour as it’s obvious that he’s still drinking

We all wish I could be sober and to what they were Years ago, but so unlikely to ever happen because he truly believes he doesn’t have a problem

It would be so different if he could admit it and say yes I’ve got a drinking problem. Yes, I want to stop but I can’t.

@Penguinsandspaniels yes, 10 years, it has been a slow and painful thing to see… He has been functioning for periods in that time and has got much worse in the last few years I would say. I think he was slipping badly when I first left him, then he met his ex and behaved better for a while as his ex partner essentially enabled him to function again and has kept propping him up, until more recently. It is surprising just how quickly the wheels have come off from him seeming much better to him being evicted from 2 different homeless hostels and sleeping in a park.

i think you do the right thing by not allowing your daughter to see him alone. My two haven’t spent time on their own without me there for about the last 5 years probably. When he was working, they used to do days out with him and his then partner, but those days were few and far between. I think he didn’t like them to see him drunk, so he tended to not see them as was prioritising alcohol, or would see them very briefly and then go off and drink rather than being drunk in charge of them. That said, he has turned up and smelt strongly, so I made him do a breathalyser, which he failed, then drove off. I called the police, but his journey wasn’t a long one so he didn’t get picked up.

My ex still thinks he can drink beer with no issue, but says he is in trouble if he drinks vodka. I cannot see him ever giving up entirely as he doesn’t feel he needs to, although he has likely had to have a detox of sorts going in to the prison I would guess.