Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 6

[pointythings]

A new thread so that the conversations can continue overnight. We have sadly been very active lately, so I thought it best to be proactive.

These threads are for everyone who has an alcoholic in their life: partner/husband/wife, sibling, child, parent. This is a safe space where you can vent and say all the things you can't say out loud in real life.

The people on these threads have all been there or are still on their journey. We will share what we have learned, crack dark jokes and offer a shoulder to cry on. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?page=40&reply=153683715

It's love that does it. Life is complicated, and if our alcoholics were just obviously awful all the time, walking away would be easy. But they're not. When mine was in rehab, he didn't drink and we gradually saw the old him again. It's that stuff which makes us stay for too long.

I think the things we've all done to prop up, support, hide, excuse, and a million other things that we wish now we hadn't done would fill more volumes than the Encyclopaedia Britannica. I think I'm already on Vol III all by myself!!!

It's love that does it. Life is complicated, and if our alcoholics were just obviously awful all the time, walking away would be easy. But they're not. When mine was in rehab, he didn't drink and we gradually saw the old him again. It's that stuff which makes us stay for too long

@pointythings So so so true! I'm seeing that same 'niceness' in DH now that he's been dry for going on 3 weeks. But at least now I know it won't last so I can deal with him without that false sense of hope that always seems to lurk around the corner.

I always fall back on Dr Maya Angelou's "You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better". And we are 'doing better', aren't we?

This totally. And today he’s texting me being nice. Dd got 1st in math over her year (90kids) and he said

She allways will under your guidance 🥰

but tbh the week before uc he usually is as skint

Congratulations to your DD!

Thank you. She’s chuffed

I’m struggling so badly. DD came out of rehab four weeks ago, and she’s been doing well - attending meetings and therapy. But there’s something not right and I can’t put my finger on it. I’d hoped to see a bit more of a change in her but she’s still completely wrapped up in herself and it’s starting to really piss me off. She’s gone out this afternoon and said she won’t be back until tomorrow afternoon so it’s not looking good. I just want to run away and hide. I’m so fucking exhausted. I just can’t carry on like this.

I'm so sorry, @Harddaysnight1. It must be heartbreaking when it's your child. Whether drinking or not, I think alcoholics are completely self centred, just because of their addiction Their entire focus is on getting the next drink or trying their utmost to avoid getting the next drink. They can't think of anyone or anything else. And yes, it would piss off a saint.

Oh @Harddaysnight1. Hopefully dd won’t drink esp if just out of rehab. But we know how easily they slip

can you call her

Awww go @Penguinsandspaniels DD! Maths super star ⭐

Yes, exactly that @CharlotteByrde, in addiction it was the Ex show and in recovery it was the Ex show still. He never managed recovery very long, so still the days where every day was an entire focus on staying sober and what he needed to stay sober etc. I don’t think I was allowed to have needs or wants in our relationship for a single day for two years, even when I was doing end of life care for my parent.

I’m so sorry @Harddaysnight1, I remember those days post rehab so well, the constant nagging fear and anxiety. It’s so much harder for you being your DD. Are you accessing support?

@Harddaysnight1 aside from what has already been said about the stress of the post rehab period, it's also the case that changing the alcoholic's underlying thoughts, beliefs and coping strategies is a long haul thing. Rehab is just the first step. Your DD may be slipping, she may not, but her recovery is new and fragile. The person she could become sober and mentally strong isn't there yet. Even if she isn't doing the work right now, she has the tools to do it.

Thank you for the responses, I’m sorry for sounding like such a whinger.

I feel like I’m just walking round with this brave face on and I can’t show how I’m really feeling. I’m trying so hard to remain upbeat and positive for her sake, that I can’t even be me. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

@Nogoodusername you’ve described it so well. I’m going to Al-anon which is helpful. I think I could do with some therapy too but I can’t afford to pay for us both.

In the nicest possible way, let me slap you round the head with a wet fish. 🐟
You are not a whinger. You are going through the post rehab period, which is perhaps the very worst of the whole thing.
Do talk to Al-Anon or SMART Family and Friends, you deserve support!

I think that’s a good description for why we propped them up for as long as we did. I was lucky to have a very straight talking friend who I was honest with who also told me about Al anon. I think I would have tried for longer if I hadn’t had that. My point where I realised I had to leave was when my daughter came into a room and had wafted a newly ironed shirt he had just ironed onto the floor and he got cross and she flinched and was noticeably anxious. I feel bad that I didn’t leave sooner.

@Penguinsandspaniels well done to your daughter

@Harddaysnight1 you are doing brilliantly and that would try the patience of a saint, you are definitely not a whinger. It must be so much harder when it is your child, i echo the advice to talk to people, friends/family Al anon etc. I didn’t go to many meetings due to childcare, but developed a supportive chat with another member which really helped at the time.

Not wingeing at all @Harddaysnight1bur you also need to take care of your emotions - don’t forget about you 🌸

Oh god you are not whinging at all @Harddaysnight1. I think post rehab was actually the most excruciating period of loving an addict. At least when he was using I had no hope and was just trying to survive the rages and rants. Whereas, when he was sober post rehab, I was just on a knife edge praying it would be it this time and I didn’t have to go through it all again. You are terrified and reading into everything, yet have to maintain this false facade of calm and positive for fear of upsetting them or throwing them off. I tried to make Ex’s life perfect because I thought somehow I could play a part in creating the conditions for him to maintain sobriety. I know better of course now. But it meant that I basically became a support human, not allowed to have any needs or feelings of my own, while being so so so resentful about things he had done prior to rehab.

Hideous time. By the time I was out, I didn’t recognise myself anymore. I got to walk away and am so sorry you are still in the thick of it.

Well as far as I'm concerned if any group has a right to whinge (and scream and shout and stamp our feet & howl at the moon) it is the family and friends of addicts/alcoholics everywhere. Our patience, love, and tolerance has been tested to the limits (and beyond) more times than Carter has pills. And what can we do about the cause of our 'whinging'? Not a hell of a lot, because the addict/alcoholic has to help themselves.

@Harddaysnight1 You are doing all that you can. Each of us is carrying a load that we do NOT want to carry. Even if we've 'dropped the load' (stopped 'helping') that load still shadows us. I'm not saying you are whinging, but if you want to I'll budge up on the whingers bench and you can have a seat.

I guess y'all can tell I did not wake up in a good mood today. My call yesterday to APS to offer to provide pictures of the house ended up going nowhere. It was obvious that the duty work was not interested. The person I spoke to said she'd 'pass the message along' but was going to hang up without even taking DH's name. When I remarked on that she asked his name and got ready to hang up again. When I pointed out the spelling was 'not the usual spelling' she finally let me spell it and hung up before I could say another word. It occurred to me then that she hadn't even taken my phone number. 🤬 I'll try again Monday and hopefully get a different duty worker.

And yes, that's a whinge. 😉

Sorry they weren’t helpful @AcrossthePond55

How’s everyone doing?

I’ve had a couple of emails from Ex in the past couple of weeks. Not abusive (miracle), just a whole diatribe about how hard his life is and how can any his family/ friends keep telling him to get sober when his life is so terrible and he hasn’t seen his children in years.

hearing from him has set off the Ex nightmares. One I was begging him to go back into rehab and he had a new partner and she was laughing at me “he’s not an alcoholic”, and one where he was his pre spiral self. They always unsettle me for a bit.

all ok here. He has no money so in a nice mood

How long til UC next in?

glad you’re in one of your calm periods though.

Ah yes, they drink because their life is so awful - when the reality is their life is awful because they drink.

Amazing how every single one of them sings the same sad songs.

Every. Single. One.

A week and a bit - it falls over the weekend this month so he will get to Fri

Things going along the same here. W/DH in the care center my life is rather uneventful (spit on the ground, stomp on it, spin 3 times whilst saying "no whammy" over and over). His IV port has been removed so I assume he's no longer getting the IV antibiotics. He said they've told him the wound is healing nicely, but since it's bandaged I've not seen it. He's doing PT. According to him he'll be here 'a couple more weeks'. According to the care center SW, no discharge date has been determined.

I have been 'charged' with getting him some tshirts and pj bottoms. All his clothing is (TMI) pretty much covered in feces and I am NOT touching or washing them! So luckily Prime Days is in a few days so I'll order him some cheap pants and shirts and charge them to his account. Kinda pisses me off on one hand but on the other I guess I figure if I'd do it for a friend I'll do it for him. He's not an evil person, he's just a drunk.

I've decided I'm going to make another APS referral once there is a discharge date. But I'm going to print the forms and fill them out and submit them with pictures of the house IN PERSON. At that point if nothing gets done, I'll have to give up.

I’m happy you are getting some uneventful days too @AcrossthePond55.

grim on the clothes though! What alcohol addiction does to people…