Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

Following, I left my alcoholic dh 6 years ago. Never looked back. Packed suitcases and left with the ds 1 and ds2.
Lost my house, my possessions, my career, but saved myself and the cats and the kids.
You cannot reason with an addict.

And morphine. Ex did his bottle in less than a day - he told his older daughter the hosp didn’t give him any and to try and get more. She saw paperwork and was appalled he did 7 days worth in a day

wasn’t trying to od but the pain hurt so he kept slugging

tbh I don’t understand now he didn’t do with a bottle of vodka and a bottle of morphine inside him

guess he really is used to hard core

@zeroclucksgiven Sending you love and courage across the sea. Don't beat yourself up. As we all know here, shit happens. And often happens to us. But we rise. And rise again.

@Nogoodusername Love and courage to you, too. And a 'don't beat yourself up for good measure. Just as they do, we 'relapse' and that is what you did, aided by his friends' WRONGLY expecting you to run to the rescue. Now shake yourself off and reinstate your NC.

I had this with DH's one remaining friend. It took a bit and some 'soft' pushback by me but he now understands that I am not going to set myself on fire to put DH out.

DH has court today on his DUI, I have court today on the separation. I reminded him yesterday of his, I'm saying nothing to him about mine as it's re the separation. Thank God they are at different courthouses as we'd have been at court at about the same time. It's weird because normally I'd have been going to the same courthouse as he is (based on geographical location. But for some reason my hearing was set at a courthouse farther away. Divine intervention I guess.

And I need to start getting ready. Hold good thoughts and prayers for me that this hearing results in a final decree.

ETA I just spoke to him to remind him again. He said he's not going. I just said 'fine' and hung up. He's on his own.

Will they jail him if doesn’t turn up at court ?

THANK YOU for your hugs and support, you don’t know how much they mean to me xxx
@AcrossthePond55, please know we were at the courthouse with you and praying it went well for you…. As for him and his DUI, afraid I’ve been hoping for the opposite, that they (British saying) “throw the book at him “ !
you’re 💯 % right, we stumble and sometimes we’re on our knees but yes, my US hero, we DO rise and rise again 💐

@zeroclucksgiven living through this nightmare messes with our mental health and I don't think any of us escape entirely intact. Take care of yourself and whenever you're feeling really bad, come on here and we'll give you some virtual hugs. @Nogoodusername look at it positively. You'll not be doing that again! It's so hard because of the guilt thing and that lingering belief that we might be able to make a difference, but if his friends ever ask you again, you know now to just say no. I've said before, but at my DH's funeral his family were still trying to lay guilt on me for not supporting him in his times of need, but I'd taken so much shit by that time, and knew how wrong they were, that I felt almost completely immune.

@AcrossthePond55 fingers and toes crossed for you that all went well today.
@@hellodarkness Hope you and your son are ok.

Well, everyone....court was fantastic. Turns out the judge just had two questions for my attorney on 'points of law' and something technical about the forms. My lawyer answered and the judge said "Thank you, that's all I need. The order will be signed 'as is' and you should receive it in 10 days to 2 weeks". No changes, no shuffling assets. Everything approved as I requested it. I must have looked dumbstruck as the judge looked at me and said "That's all it was. Just some legal technicalities".

It's not 'all over' because I'm the one who will have to try to get him to sign off on the vehicles and agree to list the house for sale. Also to close a couple of bank accounts. But there is no timetable on that. And if he won't cooperate my attorney said we can go back to court and a judge can 'sign for him'. But before any of that hassle, once I get the final judgement I will be able to change beneficiaries on some inherited assets to my sons AND be able to do a living trust with them as my sole legatees.

So all in all, a very good day (for me).

It looks like DH called his attorney and requested a delay because he 'had no ride'. So @Penguinsandspaniels at this point no jail. I'm not asking him questions. He's still (as far as I can tell) not drinking.

He tried a little emotional blackmail to get me to drive him to the store (not liquor) but I told him that he needs to start standing on his own two feet. I told him I don't mind being 'emotional support' but that I was not going to be driving him around or fetching and carrying.

@zeroclucksgiven @wouldratgerbeunknown and everyone, thanks for the prayers and good thoughts. They worked!!!

Oh that’s brilliant news @AcrossthePond55. You must be thrilled

@Penguinsandspaniels

I feel a sense of relief and a sense of sadness. Relief that I don't have to give up more assets or income and the things I wanted are 'confirmed' as my sole property. And that I'll be legally protected from anything he does. But a sense of sadness because I needed to do it in the first place. We were supposed to 'share and share alike' for the rest of our lives. The separation judgement makes it 'real' that that's not going to happen.

And there's a bit of trepidation because he's going to be mailed the final judgement & the financial settlement. The settlement offer had been mailed to him for his response before but he won't remember that. I'm sure he has no memory of our having discussed it some months ago so it's going to hit him hard. I also think he'll look at the sheaf of paperwork and think it's a divorce even though I've assured him that I am not interested in divorcing. But that's a 'tomorrow problem' so up on the shelf it goes.

It's early evening here but I am emotionally and physically exhausted. Going to take a shower, get in bed, and boot up Prime Video and find something absolutely mindless.

@AcrossthePond55 - what wonderful news from court!
I’m so so pleased for you… we can ‘hear’ the relief in your post😉
I know you still have probably difficult tasks ahead, getting him to sign over stuff and we’re all praying he just does it and lets you achieve your peace, if he doesn’t then we’ll all be sending you our very best positive vibes (and him the ‘evil eye’)
Totally understandable to also feel sad and sorry that your relationship has come to this, think we’ve all felt this and I reckon that’s ok; we’ve loved them and we’ve remained steadfast to that at great personal cost so we feel the loss of all that promise and hope we had.
A ‘win’ for one of us is an encouragement for all of us to keep going and (to quote Winston) NEVER surrender ✌️

@wouldratgerbeunknown Thankyou for thinking of me. DS has been home 2 weeks now and isn’t drinking. He is still having his DBT therapy but no regular support from the alcohol cessation lot. They saw him after a week and will see him again in 3 weeks. He isn’t on any anti- alcohol drugs. I am a bit flummoxed how he is staying off the drink. He isn’t really doing much/anything except for dieting it seems. His sleep is poor so he is working on that a bit.
I expected him to be back on the drink straight away so he is doing well.
But I don’t really understand how.
i think detox and the people there shocked him.

My partner and I have been floundering. Fortunately I recently found a wonderful reflexologist and I am literally feeling like a completely different person. I highly, highly reccomend.

sending love and light to you @zeroclucksgiven. I have literally felt like I was losing my mind last month and had concluded that I had to end myself and should take the dog with me as she would be so sad. I am completely over that now.
I totally get anything that anyone contemplates or does when they live with an alcoholic.

Hugs to you all.

@Hellodarknes55 that's wonderful. Fingers and toes crossed that he has turned a corner. And so glad you've found your reflexologist!

Wow two ( reasonably) positive stories! Not counting any chickens though.
re your son would he attend any meetings? AA or SMART ? Is he talking to you about any of it? I really do hope things go well for all of you
accross the pond you must be tortured with mixed emotions . No words really but lots of love!!
my husband is still off the booze 90 days now so very very early days . He’s sticking with the programme so AA daily sponsor weekly rehab follow up weekly. So I’m trying to be positive but obviously things can go so wrong so quickly I’m trying not to deceive myself that things will be ok.
it’s all exhausting

When he went to meetings previously, he came out saying they make him want to drink. He has hardly talked about anything but has said he has no cravings.
i don’t even understand how that is possible.

He is a tricky character with a fair old pile of issues. I am tempted to just leave him to it. He sees his DBT person face to face every week and has a group meeting online.
I don’t want to upset the apple cart or be the reason things have gone wrong.

I hope your husband can stay the course.

I understand the exhaustion. I have been really paranoid that I am going to have a significant health issue. 4 years of out of control stress isn’t ideal.
take care of yourself.

Relief and sadness. I get that @AcrossthePond55 an how I will feel over Divorce and when he dies. I don’t want him dead as such but he won’t ever stop drinking so drink will kill him

why does he care if you divorce or not ?

@Hellodarknes55 thats Wonderful about your son. They have to want to stop drinking and maybe detox shocked him

@wouldratgerbeunknown wow 90 days. 3mths. Again amazing

Thankyou Penguins very kind of you to be so generous as I know from your past posts you’ve been in this exact position before. I’m trying to be positive but I’m still quietly preparing for the exit if I need to because I cannot return to the hell of last year.
Darkness you know what’s the best approach with your son and it sounds like you’ve got what you are prepared to do fairly clear.
i know what you mean about the ill health for your self I’ve honestly felt ( still do on lots of days) that if I got a terrible diagnosis of something it would be a relief to not have to deal with the anxiety and stress that living with an addict entails.

Maybe this is the turning point for your dh @wouldratgerbeunknown

we all want success stories and wished dh could have stopped drinking but he won’t

but so far yours has. He’s done the 90 in 90. Ex never got that far

now your dh needs to do the steps and 4 is where many get stuck

but so far he’s doing well

but you will be on tenterhooks. Always wondering if will relapse and can be be trusted

Well still very early days he has had a lot of input from the rehab place. That’s been very helpful. His sponsor seems very experienced and has made him start again from step one so that’s good I think. Lots of repairs needed here especially with our son who is very angry and I don’t think my husband appreciates how badly it’s affected him . Or me to be honest but I think the rehab has encouraged him to focus completely on himself so you are probably right things will get harder as reality and acceptance come along.
we will see. I’m just glad I’ve got all of you as I’m trying to be positive in real life so nice to be able to e honest here.

That’s what we are here for - to support and listen but also to give us wisdom and knowledge

@Penguinsandspaniels

He thinks there's a chance we'll get back together. I'm not ready to disabuse him of that notion. At this point he's still not drinking but truth be told he's still being a jerk. The name calling has pretty much stopped, but he's still always right and woe betide if I pull him up on anything or don't agree to do what he wants. I'm seeing once more the 'issues' we had before his drinking spun out of control. I'd really like us to be able to be friends (of a sort) at some point, but I'm pretty doubtful that he will allow that to happen.

I get that. I want it to be friendly /civil for dd sake Ex still says he loves me and a Shame getting divorced - and still Denys drinking now …..

with a half hidden empty vodka bottle tucked by his sofa ffs

Mine never got near 90 in 90 and never git a sponsor, @wouldratgerbeunknown . I get the hope in itself is stressful though, and it does sound as if he is going to struggle with steps 4 and 5.

@AcrossthePond55 yours sounds as if he is white knuckling it. All the behaviour of the alcoholic but without the drinking. He will struggle when he realises you aren't coming back and you're right to be cautious.

@pointythings You're right, he is. I've reminded him that there are AA meetings literally 6 miles down the road but he just (as they do) changes the subject so I'm saving my breath to cool my porridge. It just irritates him (and me) so why bother.

I want him to succeed, we all want that for 'our' addict/alcoholic. But as much as we want to 'push them into sobriety' if we keep trying to do it for them, we may as well start calling each other Sisyphus.

They have to do it theirselves and to want it

ex did 3 a week for a few months. Def not daily so you need to give him credit there