Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

That’s great. I’m so pleased. I love mine. They have been a great strength to me. I hope you enjoy yours.

A tattoo is also something I’m considering…. Is 58 too old for my first?

I'm older than you and I'd love one. My problem is that I'm allergic to a chemical that is commonly used in tattoo inks. It's also common in hair dye, which is how I found out about the allergy. Luckily I only had a mild reaction (after having my hair coloured for close to 10 years!) but subsequent reactions can be devastating so I'm not taking any chances.

Maybe I'll take a sharpie to my ankle.

I am 58!

I still feel for my rings even though I took them off 2 years ago…there was a moment when I knew I couldn’t wear them any more, but my mind still feels them.

So if you seperate and the house is sold could you afford to get your own place?

I’ve just reiterated that I’m going for a divorce. It’s all my fault, he doesn’t see any problem and all I need to do is cheer up. He left this time, though. He’ll be back, he has nowhere else to go, but oh, the peace I felt when he closed the door and the house was empty.

Don't waste headspace on what he thinks. Of course it's all your fault. He needs to believe that to perpetuate his addiction.

Well, actually it’s everyone else’s fault, not just mine, but I’m the main one, so at least I’m not alone.

Thank you, @pointythings , I needed to be reminded. I was in danger of letting his thoughts into my head

Post here every time he starts getting into your head. We will metaphorically slap you with a wet fish.

Ha! Ironically the Monty Python fish slapping dance is one of our shared in jokes.

I need the giant Michael Palin one.

It's so easy for that to happen. The thoughts seem to just zip in there before we have a chance to really stop and think. But I'm finding it easier and easier to just 'zip' them outta there.

DH and I started to have that 'whose fault it is' circular conversation yesterday. I'm getting better at recognizing the beginnings and squashing it early.

He's being discharged today. Should be an interesting day. He's being transported by a medical transit van that's arranged by the facility. I'm assuming he won't be able to talk them into stopping at the liquor store on the way home. What happens after he gets home is another question. A question, but not my problem.

Tell yours that you'll 'cheer up' as soon as he's gone for good. Actually, don't bother to tell him that. It's enough that you know it.

Thanks, @AcrossthePond55 . Let us know how it goes. Will be thinking of you.

@AcrossthePond55 thinking of you today and everything crossed for as peaceful a homecoming as possible (for you) x

@zeroclucksgiven @LavenderFieldds

Thanks. I'm no longer living in the marital home. He remembers that most of the time. And I will NOT be at the house when he gets there, nor any time afterwards. I basically refuse to be in his presence, he's just too unpredictable. Not violent, but can become verbally abusive and unreasonable at the drop of a hat.

This 6 wks is the longest he's been sober in a year. Actually probably longer, but who's counting, right? I don't think he really remembers the state the house is in so I have a feeling he's going to be shocked when he walks in. So I expect a flurry of phone calls and texts 'from the sacred to the profane' lol/sigh.

He is in such denial, saying he's learned his lesson and how 'easy' it's going to be for him 'to never drink again'. My sons & brother don't think he'll last an hour. I think he'll last until the very first time I refuse to either give him the dog back or to give him a firm date of my return. My refusal to do either is usually his perfect excuse to start drinking and put the blame on me.

@LavenderFieldds For an addict, it is so much easier to blame others than to confront the fact they're throwing their own lives down the pan by drinking to excess and need to stop. It's all about giving themselves permission to drink.

You know deep down @AcrossthePond55 that he won’t change an yes there will be a drink tonight more than likely

ex spent a couple weeks in hospital so sober and the day he arrived home uber was delivering booze an hour later

I’ve said before he can drink every day till uc runs out. Maybe sell something or swaps/borrows from the alcoholic who lives near him - for 10/14 days. Then usually week before he gets uc he’s sober ish or totally as no money - then Starts again once paid

I don’t know how his body keeps surviving the abuse he gives it and how he can go without shakes tho he often gets the shits and sure it’s where his most is craving booze

@AcrossthePond55 clearly tonight is going to be a toughie for you - we're all here, vent as you need to and I'll check in tomorrow morning too. I hope you find some distance from the thing called hope, no matter how hard it pulls at you.

Yes use us - your night is our day I think. Or 8hrs behind ?

Just adding myself to the gang of virtual ears ready to listen if you need it @AcrossthePond55, sorry for misunderstanding that you weren’t at the house when he got back but still wishing you as much peace as possible under the barrage of calls/messages you’re anticipating .
They do love to set us up as the cause of their relapses by putting us in impossible situations where all we can do is protect ourselves and therefore ‘hurt them/ let them down’, giving them the excuse to drink …. again

@zeroclucksgiven this is awful. I am so sorry

It’s my first day in a new job tomorrow. Nothing major, just a few hours doing something I like. DH has scalded his wrist this evening and now wants me to take him to A&E tomorrow. Sorry, sunshine. Taxi or when I get back after work.

Yep the denial can run high. The ‘I know I’m not going to drink again’ & the ‘it’s easy’. Sure sure.

Sadly you are almost certainly right about it being your fault.