Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

@AcrossthePond55 don’t give him the dog!! Not that you would. I’d take DDog over DH every day of the week.

Dog and car will always be with @AcrossthePond55

good luck in new job @LavenderFieldds. Why can’t dh drive himsslf tomorrow has he lost his license ?

No, he’s scalded his right hand and he’s right handed, it’s bandaged and in a sling. I might have been more sympathetic if he hadn’t been screaming abuse at me in front of the DCs while I was trying to dress it. Apparently the scald was my fault too.

Fuck him

think your kids are similar age to my dd. 9. Thru will remember this. Dd hasn’t forgotten dh calling me a fucking cunt in front of her when I found his vodka bottle after he said he hadn’t been drinking

for her it was the lies and obv swearing

hope you and kids are ok

No chance of that. The last time he talked me into 'doggy visitation' he kept him and took off so he wasn't there when I came to pick him up and basically laughed when I told him he needed to give him back as he wasn't capable of caring for him.

Oh, and I forgot (blanked out) this but now I remember!!! The next day he told me the dog (aged 13) had unexpectedly DIED. It was horrible. Texts about 'holding him as he went' and 'the body getting cold' etc. This was recently after I'd left and I was still in the 'believe everything' mode. The only way I figured it out he was lying was when I said I was going to cancel the Instacart of dog food and he panicked and said not to. Even then he didn't admit the dog was still alive. (I have ALL the texts saved in a file)

The only way I got him back was because DH called 911 (on himself) and also called his friend. Friend went over and after DH left in the ambulance, called me to come get the dog. Since then I've refused to have the dog anywhere near DH. He's seen him ONCE, with Ddog in the car with the windows up & doors locked, when I had to deliver something to him.

So far DH seems to be doing OK. He found 9 beers and poured them down the drain IF I can believe it. He had me listen as he opened cans and poured something down the drain at any rate. He's also picked up the beer cans scattered around the house. I'm not reading anything into it other than 'right now he's resisting temptation' but not taking it as proof of anything for the future.

TO ALL: thanks for all the handholds. I am 8 hrs behind you. It's just about 2pm here now. Chances are y'all are getting ready to crawl into bed. I'll try not to disturb your sleep lol.

Oh yes. I get the sympathy factor being at zero. I've been in 'you did it to yourself' mode for a bit now myself.

He found the beers ? Around the house ? And poured them down the sink

are you going to be in contact if he is sober

@AcrossthePond55@LavenderFielddsjust wishing you both all the absolute best for the next few days re your husband s return home and your new job.
i really am an absolute horror these days as i found myself thinking scald? Hmm neglected could be nasty - sepsis possibility? Hope she’s checked the life insurance!! Terrible what they’ve made us become!!

@wouldratgerbeunknown I wish I could deny it!

@AcrossthePond55 not quite asleep yet, just turning the light out. HH over the water to you. I think your DH and mine may have been separated at birth.

That's still up in the air. Tentatively, yes. As long as he remains civil and accepting of his complete responsibility in this whole disaster. Also part of the 'keep him sweet' until the separation is finalized. The real shits going to hit the fan then. He'll realize that I didn't keep reminding him of it over and over and over but let him (conveniently for me) forget about it. He had his chance, he preferred to be shit faced. Not my problem.

Today was the very first time he actually accepted 100% responsibility for the disaster in the house.

He's on some different anti-drinking medication. I'd never heard of it, Acamprosate. Neither Antabuse nor Naltrexone did a thing for him, maybe this one will. That's not a statement of hope.

That’s what dh was on. Acamprosate - he said at the beginning it helped with cravings but obv not that much as still drank

yes I get keep sweet and light till separation is done

almost midnight so needed. Hope he’s ok while we sleep xx

Hi all,
A belated checking in from me with a confession that I have ‘relapsed’ with my no contact with Ex. His friends got in touch to ask for my house as he is completely in crisis, back on coke as well as alcohol and ignoring some very critical legal processes. So like the fool I unblocked and phoned. I hadn’t seen or spoke to him in six months, just getting emails from him, but god it was a shock to hear his ramble, delusional and main character narrative again. It did no good anyway. He agreed to do one action re court processes, I tried to check in yesterday and he ignored calls and messages and I assume hasn’t done it. But annoyingly for me, he is back in my head space, worrying and angry and frustrated.

My Ex also had acamprosate this year after a detox having previously had Naltrexone @AcrossthePond55 . Lasted 10 days! It is supposed to be one that works better, but I guess it comes down to that old chestnut - they have to want to not drink and cope with depression/anxiety/stress etc without using the substance. And frankly, that’s too hard work for my Ex. He believes he is a ‘special’ addict whose life is now so hard that he cannot possibly be expected to ride out such strong emotions. His life is so hard now. But that’s a fall out of addition and he has lost what he lost through it.

Oh @Nogoodusername how strange - my DH is also that rare and special addict who is so damaged he couldn’t live without alcohol. Odd, huh?

*help not house obviously! What a typo

Truly not possible! Ex has studied everyone at any rehab, support group, AA etc he has ever attended and NO ONE had a harder life than him. I used to try and argue with him - that he had many good things and still spiraled (you don’t lose child contact or your job if you are sober while doing them do you?!) and that many addicts will have to face recovery with a life in ruins because divorce/ job loss/ financial hardship/ child contact removal/ legal proceedings funnily enough are a standard consequence of addiction. I eventually adopted JADE and stopped doing this, I let ‘poor me’ and the excuses wash over me. From my stupidity at getting back on the ‘save Ex from legal disaster’ train, I see nothing has changed and he is still the world’s most exceptional and wronged addict.

"my DH is also that rare and special addict who is so damaged he couldn’t live without alcohol. Odd, huh?"

yep - mine too....he's always the victim, other peoples' behaviour MAKES him drink and THEY'VE ruined his life, not him, he's just trying to feel better when the whole world is out to get him.
Oh and he cannot possibly be responsible for his actions whilst under the influence (ie - every day!) either....he's so 'damaged' and 'broken' by others that he HAS to drink to cope/forget/survive/exist.
But (as he told the doctors in the hospital) he's definitely NOT an alcoholic...he's 'alcohol dependant' - like there's a difference!
Oh and the morphine they gave him to bring home (for the broken ribs pain) is the doctors trying to make him an opiate addict as well (yes, the NHS has joined the rest of us on his 'victimisation of STBXH' list).
Now he's home, evidently all the heartbreak and trauma I'm causing him by divorcing him is overwhelming him again and he might just drink the whole bottle..... (no further comment from me on that)
The solution? - that I pour out each dose and hand it to him - which means my fingerprints are the only ones on the bottle?? I've watched too many episodes of CSI to do that😉
I need to re-find my anger and remember who he really is, not be duped (by his now old and frail appearance) into 'caring' for him again...why is this merry-go-round so fucking relentless?
TW - self-harm - apologies in advance
I had a relapse in my MH Saturday and cut my arm again (I was a self harmer as a teen and re-discovered the release of it during my relationship with him- surprising eh?) ... I 'controlled' it and limited it to a dozen or so deep scratches, my kids/family/friends would be furious with me if they knew and I KNOW that it's a really dumb thing to do and I will try and not do it again. It's just the only thing that really 'takes me out of this shitty situation in my head' - the pain from the cuts and seeing the blood helps me to re-set.
Sorry if this has upset or offended anyone, this thread is the only place I feel I can say this 'outloud' but no-one is to feel obliged to address this, i feel better for just saying(typing) it.

I take it his friends could t cope with him @Nogoodusername. Think you are married but no kids. Is that right ?

what is the court thing ?

@Penguinsandspaniels - yep that’s me, but didn’t actually marry him as one failed marriage behind me was enough. He has children with his Ex wife, I have children of my own too. Thank goodness I made one wise choice huh (the not marrying part so as not to have the financial upheaval of that again!)

He has got himself in a whole world of trouble re not turning up to court summons. And yes, his friends have tried and failed to get him to stop avoiding and stay engaging before it escalates any more, but at desperation level resorted to me! I actually made no impact either, but am just annoyed at myself that it has taken up a couple of weeks of headspace and time, and obviously broke my no contact rule that I had guarded so well for 6 months.

@zeroclucksgiven I just wanted to send you lots of love. The merry go round is so fucking relentless. Having had six months out of it, I often looked back during that time and wondered how I survived it. It is deeply traumatic and damaging and I can totally understand that it has driven you to a relapse of self harm. I was an absolute shell of myself when I was still with Ex - constant anxiety, worry, stress. It has been so freeing having finally followed through with leaving him and having no contact but his regular emails for six months.

Being in a relationship with an addict made me so ill - mentally and physically. The toll of constant operating stress and anxiety and tension damaged my immune system as I was always ill. You still worry once you have ended contact (if you can) or are no longer living with them therefore seeing it day on and day out, but you have time for yourself, you have brain space, you can think about something other than addiction/ how to manage an addict/ etc.

Least no divorce to sort out

that’s what is costing me and Taking so long

Hugs @zeroclucksgiven .

No judgement from me, @zeroclucksgiven . I hope that this episode of self harm lends you steel to continue with the divorce.

Once you have that done, I suspect your MH will improve to the point where you can really start thinking of recovery.

((Hugs)) @zeroclucksgiven for the SH. don’t beat yourself up. You know it was a relapse /slip up due to having to deal with ex

im always happy to reply to any private messages if things become too much. 💐