Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

Ex went from suicidal emails to you are the love of my life to you are a whore emails in 12 hours at the weekend. I hadn’t even replied beyond the usual ‘sorry, get help’ to the former. Must be hammering the coke these days along with the cider. Fun times. Was shocked for a day, annoyed for another, and am now ‘meh’ already. Life huh

Oh and ‘you used me’. For what? Coz it certainly wasn’t his brains, body or money for the past two years of chronic alcohol and drug addiction and rehab stays 🤣
I wrote my usual ‘you are a deluded fool’ plus corrected the narrative email to get it off my chest and deleted without sending. I’d like to send a thumbs up back as a screw but any engagement is encouragement with an addict isn’t it. So silence rules

Keep going with the silence. Maybe don't even bother opening - just get anything from him shunted into its own folder and then delete the contents unread every so often. He doesn't deserve headspace.

Sorry you got those emails @Nogoodusername. Can you block /divert into a folder and not read them

Yeah, I will do that again. I’d come off strict no contact a couple of months ago at the request of his friends for some legal support but now he is strictly back blocked. You have to laugh really. The twat can’t control himself on email (not even message or phone - blocked on those within a month) long enough not to get fully blocked within less than two months.

@Nogoodusername

Ex went from suicidal emails to you are the love of my life to you are a whore emails in 12 hours at the weekend

I get all that within about 12 minutes and multiple times a day lol. I try to keep myself from answering his calls and letting them go to voicemail so I can see where his head is at before I call back. I've found that if I answer and he starts in on something, he can really get me wound up. I also can't think fast enough when he asks me for something or makes a 'demand'. I end up making a really stupid excuse or 'admitting' something I wish I hadn't instead of just saying "I don't know where XX is" or "I don't know anything about YY". Plus I've found that if I leave it long enough he'll forget all about whatever it was. Same for text messages. I've stopped 'pouncing' right on them, but let them lie.

I’d come off strict no contact a couple of months ago at the request of his friends for some legal support

Yeah, don't do that. If his friends think he needs 'support', let them do it themselves. DH's one remaining friend has realized that I have absolute limits as to what I will do and has pretty much stopped contacting me when DH contacts him. And I don't message him anymore when DH goes to the ER. I think we both figure 'what's the point'?

In other DH news, he's got his final decision on his DUI. Luckily he has until August to 'comply' with the requirements. Some of it seems pretty vague to me. I've told him we'll talk about it tomorrow when I've had a chance to really look it over. Sigh. I don't really mind helping him understand and to advise him what to do. It's just that it's like explaining things to a 5 year old.

It's best not to put yourselves through all that angst. Just press delete on emails and texts. Don't answer their calls.
It's best, but personally I found it really difficult not to read the endless texts and to answer the phone whenever he called. There was always the worry that I'd miss something important -an apology, a suicide attempt -who knows. It took a long time for me to realise I wasn't helping him by responding and I sure as hell wasn't helping myself.

Ex is texting a few now with. - I haven’t long left in this world

usually me or eldest dd gets the calls or woe is me texts but as we now arent replying /responding - —pandering— to him he’s extending his reach

I’m lucky that I don’t have DC with Ex or any property to divide etc so don’t need to be in contact. He’s back to blocked other than one email address that I don’t use regularly. I doubt I’ll hear from him for a month or so now as usually goes to ground after a mega rant.

@Penguinsandspaniels - Ex loves a ‘we both know I’m not living long’ line. I’m sure he estimated a year in Jan 25 so longer than he thought! From this thread it seems so variable as to how long our alcoholics are likely to survive their alcohol abuse because the body crashes so who knows huh. Ex has still got a lot of funds so nothing restricting him from the 30 units per day and heavy coke use

Yes you are lucky @Nogoodusername they you don’t have to be in touch

I am only for dd. To try and give her some good memories of her dad and if he carries on drinking he won’t be here in a year or two

that’s the only good thing that ex is on uc they after a while he has no money. If he has unlimited funds like yours then he would drink every day - a bottle of vodka 70cl is 28. A litre is 40

so when has money he has just under 200 units a week.

I think I am slowly coming to terms with the fact we have to separate. It has felt for years like I needed a proper 'reason'. But that reason can be that I don't want to live with an alcoholic, can't it?

It absolutely can. You are not obliged to stay with him; that comes under enabling. You do not need to set yourself on fire to keep another person warm.

Bugger. The dam broke and I'm now a sobbing mess. I'm away for the weekend without him and have a madly busy day today but will come back later because this thread might just save me.

@Thefellowship if the affirmation you have found here has made you face your situation, that's a good thing. Painful, but good.

Whatever you decide to do, whatever you plan, whatever the timing, we will be here for you.

You absolutely can leave someone because you don’t want to live with an alcoholic. It’s rubbish life for you if I can be honest! They can’t put you first or even second, it’s them and their addiction, and life is calmer and freer once you make the change.

I wasted so much time and so much heartbreak thinking I could fix Ex and we could have a normal life and relationship again. You can’t fix an alcoholic, only they can, and I think in a lot of cases they don’t bother while they have someone running around after them
to make their life better. Ex used having a relationship as a facade of being functional. He wasn’t functional. I just hadn’t accepted I couldn’t save him and nor was it my job.

We will hope we can fix them and they will stop. They won’t

so yes you are quite right to leave him @Thefellowship

@Thefellowship

I think I am slowly coming to terms with the fact we have to separate. It has felt for years like I needed a proper 'reason'. But that reason can be that I don't want to live with an alcoholic, can't it?

Anyone can leave any relationship for any reason. Or for no reason at all. You have ample reason. Even if they don't hit us or use foul language, as far as I'm concerned living with an alcoholic is living with an abuser. The abuse is them forcing us to watch them destroy themselves, and in the process they destroy little bits of our souls at the same time. So yes, a big fat YES, to the reason of "I don't want to live with an alcoholic".

Bugger. The dam broke and I'm now a sobbing mess. I'm away for the weekend without him and have a madly busy day today but will come back later because this thread might just save me.

Listen lovely, this is completely normal. Even women who have left physically or mentally abusive relationships have cried like babies. I know I did (with my first marriage). I kicked him out and was happy to see the back of him. But still I cried.

It's the death of the dream, not the loss of the man we grieve. We all had a dream of what our lives would be like, walking hand in hand into the sunset with the men we chose. But they smashed those dreams to pieces with their behaviour, didn't they? And so we grieve that. We're entitled to grieve that. Just remember that it's not him you're grieving. It's the dream.

But I've found that there are always new dreams to be found. It may take you time to find yours and it may take awhile for it to come to fruition, but it will. And once you're out and free you'll have the time and the peace to enjoy it.

Thank you so much for your lovely words. Just going to wait for gcses to finish then will tell him. Feels scary/sad/good/exciting.

I think that is a sensible deadline. I hit my husband with the ultimatum after DC1 had completed their GCSEs. And it will be tough, but it will also be good. I cannot overstate how brilliant life is without an alcoholic in it.

@Thefellowship I am glad you've come to a decision. And of course it's upsetting. You're admitting yourself that it's over, and that's hard. I was really upset. But also relieved and ready to face the challenge because I knew I was doing the right thing for my own future happiness and my children's. I am sad he became an alcoholic but I have never had any regrets about leaving him to his bad choices.

Hi all, it’s been quite a while since i posted.
ex DP assaulted me about six weeks ago, while intoxicated. Nothing serious, no injuries or medical treatment needed but it was outside my own home and while I was holding 3yo DD.
He was arrested coming out of the local shop with a bottle of vodka, couldn’t be interviewed that night as too drunk. Gave a no comment interview next morning and was released on police bail while investigation was done, with conditions not to contact me… which he broke daily, contacting me via email. I kept reporting and he was then charged with the assault and harassment on top. He pleaded guilty to both. Released on court bail this time with same conditions while he awaits sentencing, and I’ve not heard from him since.
He has to go back to court for sentencing on Thursday (11th) and I’m so nervous about what the outcome will be.

@MamaBear81 I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope you have a DV advisor in place and good support - if he isn't jailed, you're going to need the intervention of the law to keep him away from you. I'd also invest in a personal alarm of some sort, since he is clearly not a safe person.

@pointythings i don’t think he will be jailed in all honesty, as it was the first time he’s physically assaulted me and I didn’t sustain any injuries. It was a frightening experience though, he’s very erratic and unpredictable while drunk and the fact that I was holding our DD at the time concerns me even more.
I do know the probation service and police were gonna look into his background though. I’ve been referred to a domestic abuse support service and had a risk assessment done. They deemed me medium risk, but only because there are currently bail conditions in place to stop him contacting me which he does seem to be listening to this time around. I think that’s only because he now knows I was reporting the contact last time though. The police asked me if I wanted the prosecution to request a restraining order, of course I said yes. Even though I wasn’t hurt, it was an escalation to the verbal and emotional abuse I’ve previously experienced from him up until that point, and now I’m worried just how much further it could escalate if given the chance. Especially now I’ve moved forward with pressing charges, he’s not gonna be happy with that. I’m so nervous that the restraining order might get rejected for some reason.

Oh @MamaBear81. So sorry to hear this - hope you and your daughter are ok

my friends dh pushed his dd and she hit her head - she said darvo were very supportive her dh got arrested and wasn’t allowed back in the house for 3/4w

you have done the right thing in a restraining order as he isn’t listening to the no contact