Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

He thinks I’m making things up, that his behaviour is ok, and that I’m breaking our family up, that’s my choice and refuses to see that it’s his behaviour, not my response that’s the problem, even when I point out that he is constantly choosing pub time, football and alcohol ahead of his job, me , and children.

Denial is an unbelievable concept until you come across a person deep into it in real life.
The word doesn't do it justice - the separation from Reality is so breathtaking and so obvious to all the people around them.

I think of it as an insanity. No point in trying to "get through" to them because they are insane and cannot see what you do.

You'll drive yourself insane trying.

That’s so true @BMW6, the denial that comes with addiction is something impossible to imagine unless you have lived life with an addict. It took me so so long (and so much frustration trying to reason/ negotiate/ set things straight with him) until I finally accepted that it was hopeless discussing and we were in different realities. It did drive me insane and the freedom being on the other side now (despite not entirely healing from the trauma) is immense

I’m getting ‘my life is so terrible/ I’ve got nothing left/ I’m done with the fight’ emails from Ex today. I engaged with one by saying that his life now is indeed more difficult than the fight of getting sober and maintaining sobriety and go and get professional help. That was a no - but he will love me forever apparently.

Hi All. I was on an older thread due to DH's drinking and thought you all rather wonderful.

Predictably, he has not succeeded in his attempt to cut down so I think this is the end of the road for us after 25 years of marriage.

@Thefellowship welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

If you have decided that this is the end, that is completely valid. You have every right to put yourself first. We will support you, encourage you and advise you from our own experience if you want that. Right now you're probably full of difficult feelings. It's very easy to fall into the trap of beating yourself up with what ifs and if onlys - guard yourself against that. His alcohol abuse is not your responsibility. You did not cause this, you cannot cure it, you cannot control it - and the 4th C, that nobody ever remembers: you don't have to cover this up.

Find the people in your life that you trust to support them and open up to them It's time to marshal the troops.

The final straw was finding piss soaked boxers hidden under some other washing in the corner of our room. I'm sure he would say it's related to his health condition (he is disabled and getting worse) but I'm equally sure either way that a normal person would have washed them. Particularly in a heatwave.

Pull up a chair @Thefellowship and join us.

I left a marriage of 37 (now 38) years 10 months ago. I just couldn't deal with DH's drinking anymore and he'd only 'spun out of control' 4 months before I left.

It's hard when you have such a long history. I was married longer than I'd lived at home with my parents and on my own added together. I'd had his name longer than my maiden name. 'We' was my identity much more than 'I' was my identity. But there just comes a time when we must be 'I' before 'we' in order to preserve our sanity. And many times our financial security.

You can do this. Unless you're in immediate danger you have time to think and make a plan. I had decided to 'stick it out' but had made a 'contingency plan' just in case. Sort of like one does for fire, flood, or earthquakes lol. Then one day I was 'tapped on the shoulder' by something (God? my own survival instinct?) during one of his drunken antics and tirade and I thought "This is enough, why on earth am I putting up with this?". I packed a duffel, called the sheriff, and was escorted out. I've had sadness, fear, anger and tears but never regret for leaving. What happened has happened. My life is not what I thought it would be, us growing old together. It's not even what I thought it would be right after I left. But it's turning out to be a good and fulfilling life. So now I'm at peace and I'm contented. You'll get there, I promise.

Welcome @Thefellowship. I’ve just got my divorce through so not Mrs penguins any more. Tho I am as not changing my name as so much hassle when I changed when I got married - so much paper work and cba. Also good to be same name for dd sake. She is 9

I kicked dh out Feb 24 and knew they was it as his second chance as such as didn’t same Feb 23 and he swore that was it blah blah

we are here to support and hand held and kick your butt gently if needed

Thank you all for your kind words.

I described on the previous thread how he never actually does anything bad. He doesn't shout or swear or smash things. He is rarely obviously drunk (I always know, I think but am constantly second guessing myself). But he does drink an enormous amount and it makes him...stupid? Slow and boring and actually really bloody annoying.

An alcoholic doesn't have to swear, shout or smash things to be worth leaving. My late husband didn't start doing any of those things until we were near the end, and even then it was lower key than that until the day he threatened to kill me.

But I would be willing to bet your husband absolutely does bad things - in the sense that he is not pulling his weight in family life, he is not being a parent who is there for his DC, he is not a partner who is there for you when things are tough. Because all he cares about is the drink. Am I wrong?

He is physically disabled and can't do loads of stuff so it's always hard to judge if ge is pulling his weight but yes he isn't emotionally there any more.

@Penguinsandspaniels congratulations! So chuffed for you. @littlewhitedaisy if he returns and is aggressive again, do consider calling the police. Try not to get into arguments with him if it's at all avoidable as he will just throw blame at you and won't listen to reason. Best not to waste your precious energy and just crack on with getting him out for good. @Thefellowship there is no joy in staying with someone who is slow, boring and bloody annoying. You sound as if your end of tether has been reached.

Ex dh. And yes he’s now def ex 😂 used to swear and shout and I have a memory of me having a bath that overflowed a little and leaked through floor onto kitchen underneath

he went ape shit mental shouting swearing and dd then 3/4 maybe then ran under the table scared

I had forgotten this 😢 till his eldest son reminded me as he was living with us then

he wasnt physically violent tho again rem him punching a wall once and ended up breaking his knuckles - but wasn’t to me

but it’s the second guessing and I did it many times and as I lived with him and was had he or hadn’t he - and older kids /adults would come and say he has been drinking and I would say he hasn’t

it was as got used to his slur - now I don’t live /see daily. I notice at once if been drinking

so sure your dh has

if you think he has 99.9% he has @Thefellowship

God the slurring does my head in. I'm sure most of us could pinpoint with frightening accuracy how many units the addict in our life has drunk just by the way they say hello.

Or winge and whine how unfair life is

The slurring was the first thing I noticed when I walked in the day he relapsed. There was also that red-faced watery-eyed look. I knew immediately - so I asked him. And he lied.

I started divorce proceedings because of the lies, not because of the relapse. You expect relapse. If he'd been honest about it and said yes, he'd relapsed, he'd looked for a meeting, he was going to get in touch with his rehab for some support - I'd have given him a chance. But the lies proved that he had never taken his problems seriously and that his addiction came first.

Totally agree @pointythingsive said many times on here it’s the lies

I would have supported again. Muggins here if he had said that on fatal day in Feb 24 , when I asked him if been drinking and the bottle I found (wasn’t there that am when I checked ) and I knew it was A new one

and he swore blind it was an old one

and he hadn’t been drinking

then he necked half a bottle of neat vodka at 330pm in front of dd and I in literally 6 swigs and I just knew that was it

that he would never change

and I was right - over 2yrs later he’s still drinking. We can all see or smell it yet he says still isn’t

or that he has drank ok yes. He has. But only one day as doesn’t have the money and was yonks ago and hasn’t drank for weeks

yet he’s stupid enough to buy online via a joint account we have that I haven’t used since Covid when we set it up

so I know be brought it last week. So know he’s still lying

one of you , think @pointythings or @AcrossthePond55 said one day I won’t care /check but I like knowing I was right to split the family up - even tho I know it’s his behaviour - but I choose to say no more

it’s just assuring me I’ve done the right thing - I know I have. Just makes me know I have

I know they doesn’t really make sense but it does to me

Ex didn’t slur, but eventually just one look at him - his eyes and his facial expression. I can never really describe it but he had a drinking/ relapse expression. I knew immediately relapse two and four.

For me it wasn’t so much the lies when he relapsed, but the blame. He would immediately go into a personality assassination within 24 hours. I guess it was anger at himself projected to me. So denial really - he had relapsed, I expected relapse, and if he had gone straight back into treatment then I probably would have stuck it out (again). But he immediately went on the offensive with me and how I had failed him

Oh yes, the slurred speech and the glassy eyes. Dead giveaways.

DH always denied slurring even when he sounded like he had a mouthful of marbles and the glassy eyes always were due to something else. Shampoo, smoke from wood stoves or people burning piles of yard waste, and the ubiquitous 'something in my eye'.

@Penguinsandspaniels I don't know if I was the one who said someday I won't care enough to check up on spending, but I certainly feel that way if it wasn't me. I'm still not there yet.

I'd say DH has around 13 days sober at this point. Nothing has come from the jt account and to my knowledge he didn't have any cash. He also hasn't taken an Uber to any stores. He hasn't attended a single AA meeting either although I've urged him to do so. I'd say I'm rather numb to his 'sobriety'. I'm glad for him but it really stirs no emotion in me. And why should it? I've been there too many times.

Tomorrow is (I'm pretty sure) the finalization of his 'plea deal' on his DUI. His presence is not required, his attorney will be there. Then will come all the conditions he needs to meet including 9 months of alcohol classes and 20 day 'work detail', among other things. That's where the rubber will meet the road.

So you think /know he’s been sober for almost 2w @AcrossthePond55

but tomorrow will be court and what happens if he doesn’t meet the conditions

I remember my DH walking across the road towards the car and I could tell he'd been drinking. He wasn't staggering exactly, but it was so clear he was having difficulty keeping in a straight line. I remember my heart just plummeting, as he'd been sober for a while and I knew we were back at square one. He got in the car and denied everything, despite the smell being immediately obvious. Then, as @Nogoodusername says, slowly the denial changed to blame. How could he not drink, when I was always nagging and failing to trust him? Thinking back, I don't know how I bore it for so long. Living with an alcoholic is torture.

I'd say I'm about 90% sure. He seems pretty clear in his speech and logical in his thought processes as far as current things. His memory is still really poor though.

If he doesn't meet the conditions from what I understand there can be heavy fines and a bench warrant for his arrest. He could end up serving 6 months in county jail.

Ex dh memory is crap. Repeats stuff consistently. Shows me stuff he has brought consistently

sure booze has pickles his brain

I think it's all tied to 'Wet Brain'.

Yes, repeating things for sure.

It's the forgetfulness that's frustrating for me as I'm still trying to keep his finances in good shape. Luckily he can't remember how to do online banking himself. God help us all if he ever figures it out! And due to privacy laws, if there's an issue with the bank he has to make the call to straighten it out. I'll try to have him write down exactly what's needed but I can't be sure if he does. Or he'll either forget as soon as we hang up or he gets distracted. Nothing I can do but keep repeating the same instructions. I tried to get the bank to do a 3 way call, but they won't.

Sigh.

Ah yes wet tail (hamster) 😉