Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

Oh that is so frustrating @AcrossthePond55. If he doesn't have a licence can you not just inform the police he shouldn't be on the road?

@CharlotteByrde

The problem is catching him at it. He covers the Ring camera so I don't see his comings and goings. By the time I get a 'ping' that there's been a bank transaction, he'd already be home. I could inform the police but they can't sit at the end of the drive 24/7 and they have to 'catch him at it'.

And in other news.....got a call from the bank that the paperwork that I was assured yesterday was 'completely in order' to move and change beneficiaries on an account was actually NOT. The 'main office' that processes these changes wanted me to complete a new IDENTICAL form and have DH sign it again because 'we didn't sign it on the same date'. I nearly blew a gasket. I told them that due to his verbal abuse and anger issues I did not want to have to go to the house or be in his presence. So, I ended up going to the bank (again) and show them the judgment (that 'wasn't needed' the first time) that specifies the account is my sole property and sign and date a new form on my own, without his signature. It's all (old and new + judgment) been faxed to the 'main office'. And even now they couldn't guarantee that it would 'be enough'. FML

Is this as USA and not UK law @AcrossthePond55

does he have a time roughly when goes to the shop ?

Yes, US law and possibly different in other states.

He has no specific schedule for anything anymore. Some days he apparently doesn't leave the house at all, other days he'll go buy beer. And now that he's blocked the Ring camera I have no idea if or when or what he's doing.

At this point I'll just have to see what happens with the new papers submitted re the bank and if they 'decline' to process the change, see if I can go up the chain of command until I can get their legal dept to look at it. Under CA law, the property settlement in a legal separation is absolutely no different legally than the property settlement under a divorce. The only difference is that the parties remain married. So under law, my being awarded this account as 'sole property' means that it is mine and he has no legal 'interest' in it.

Feeling a bit sad today. Went to see ex. With dd - He’s in a right state. Falling over. Couldn’t get up from sofa. Mumbling and nodding off to sleep on the sofa

flat was a shit hole.

he hadn’t drunk today but obv had maybe thur /fri as that smell again - that wasn’t there last week when saw him and before he had his uc

stayed not even an hour as could tell dd didn’t want to be there

it’s so hard to know what to do for the best. She loves him. I get that. He’s her dad. But he’s a shell of the man I fell deeply in love with. Who made me so happy and he’s not that man anymore.

do I stop visits ? It’s like an hour a week.

I honestly don’t know how much more his body can take 😢

I think you have to be guided by your DD. What does she want? Continue, but very short visits? Less frequent visits? Seeing her dad is supposed to be for her benefit, not his.

It varies. Sometimes she will say she doesn’t want to go but when there enjoys seeing him

but at home later today she said she didn’t went to see him - she said less not never - but we go for like an hour a week. So do I do every other week ?

or just don’t go when I know he’s has uc as he’s def better /she’s happier when he’s poor so sober

like last week. We went to the park. Yes he didn’t do much. Just sat on the bench and I pushed her on swings etc - but was a nice few hours

im trying to give her happy memories for when he won’t be here as sometimes I think he won’t last 6mths - but then days like this can’t be healthy for her

it’s so hard to know what to do for the best. I say to her that as a mummy my job is to love and protect her and make sure she is safe

am I crossing that line

Honestly? I think timing it for when he hasn't got money would be a completely sensible thing for you to do. At least you are then shielding her from 'drunk him', and she's going to get the best of him that's possible, which isn't a lot.

I’m sorry it was a tough day @Penguinsandspaniels.

I think it sounds wise to follow DD’s lead and also time it around when you know he doesn’t have funds and can’t drink. After Ex’s spiral began after first couple of relapses post rehab, my Ex’s DDs were asked by school nurture lead/ mum/ social worker, they eventually revealed in their own way that they didn’t like seeing Ex when he was ‘strange’/ different/ sad. They basically didn’t want to see him when he was under the influence. Unfortunately he doesn’t have any sober periods like your Ex. He’s physically dependent and drinking around the clock, withdrawals over night. So he hasn’t seen them in more than a year now.

I, like you, wonder how much more Ex’s body can take. Often find myself googling it. No set answer.

i absolutely hate addiction for what it does to a person’s mind and body, and what it takes from the people who loved/ love them.

He only has sober periods as runs out of money as doesn’t work

I think I need to avoid the week after he gets uc don’t I

tho how do o then tell him not coming

do i lie and say dd is dd is feeling poorly and she can FaceTime him later

if I say im not coming as he would have had a drink he will say im not drinking so stale mate

fuck this parenting is hard with addiction

You could either say DD not well or ask for a negative breathalyser to be sent over WhatsApp before you leave? Tricky though. Ex never accepted that his girls could tell when he wasn’t sober/ mentally well, and his eldest definitely could and it would make her anxious and worried about him. That wasn’t healthy for them. I went into bat for his ex wife a couple of times to try and get him to see that she was right to put his daughters emotional wellbeing first and put conditions on his contact with them, he of course made it all about him and his needs and no one understanding what addicts need. So I guess that is a very long way around of saying do whichever version is lowest conflict for you.

Thank you

@Penguinsandspaniels

I agree with the others about letting DD lead the way. If you didn't mention it, would she ask to see him? If not, I wouldn't mention anything and wait for her to ask. If she does ask and it's the 'UC time of the month' I'd tell her that he was ill and not up to having company. It's not a 'real lie', is it? Alcoholism is a sickness after all.

I have to admit I'm not in a very charitable mood today when it comes to 'those men' (our DHs, exes, etc) and their drinking. So as far as your ex goes, he sees DD when it's right for her. And that determination is for you to make, not him. If it's 'his day' but you believe from speaking to him by phone that he's worse for wear or 'recovering' from a drinking bout, then he has forfeited any right to see her, no matter what he thinks or says.

And no, don't lie to him. Why should you lie? There's no need. You tell him you aren't coming because it's obvious he's been drinking. And if he says he hasn't been, well, you know the truth. So you don't argue, you simply say "I won't argue about it. We aren't coming and that's final. We'll see how you are next week". Check and mate.

@Nogoodusername

I, like you, wonder how much more Ex’s body can take. Often find myself googling it. No set answer.

I've stopped googling and pretty much stopped wondering. I guess I finally figured what's the point? It either will or won't happen in God's own good time so there's no point in me trying to figure it out.

And as I type this he's on his way once again to the ER. This time because he 'wants to stop drinking'. I've stopped speculating about that, too. He either will or won't.

@AcrossthePond55 and this is why I always, always, always tell people like you to not beat themselves up about wishing their alcoholic other halves dead. Because under our circumstances, those thoughts are normal, rational and reasonable.

Sending strength vibes to all of you who are still in the thick of it.