Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

Oh same @Pointythings. It was much worse and much scarier than the 'woe is me' in many ways -but I had no idea what to do with him when he was crying and threatening to end it all. I ran him to the hospital many times but he was always sent home. It was like being trapped in a nightmare But when he got violent, I was able to get the police involved. I was able to access practical help from police, probation officers, social workers. It ended things. I am sure that sounds utterly sick...

@CharlotteByrde I agree, the feeling of helplessness was overwhelming. My husband threatened suicide so often, I remember wrestling knives out of his hands, but when I called 999 he was furious and managed to persuade the call handler that it was all a misunderstanding. In the end I just used to say to him ‘ok, just do it’. It was manipulative and controlling at the time. He did do it in the end 8 months after we separated. I wish this on no one.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 you do know dh killing hisself is not your fault

It really doesn't sound sick at all. The realisation I had after the police took him away and told me I didn't have to let him back in the house was overwhelming. It was freedom, handed to me on a plate.

Oh yes, I know. I am surprised he had the willpower to actually do it, and I do not feel responsible for it at all. Just reflecting on how it all felt at the time

just wanted to come in with an update on my situation.,husband is now out of detox and rehab and is 113 days not drinking. He is doing daily AA weekly group therapy with the rehab people. He does seem very clear that he will not drink again .
BUT I cannot afford to let myself become complacent it’s still very early days and reading all your posts helps to keep me in the land of reality.
obviously I’m relieved that he is sober and seems to be enjoying life again but I’m still very emotionally labile. Crying etc. I also told my family what had been happening but I am just insane as far as they are concerned. I feel so angry with them for not noticing and yet I hid it all away. I’m know I’m being dreadful and will drive everyone away but I can’t seem to face them.
ive applied for some counselling so am hoping that might help.
thanks for the safe space as always

Oh bless you @wouldratgerbeunknown. Why aren’t your family supporting you and dh

it’s great he is doing well but I understand the fear that he can relapse any day and the hell you will be back in

4mths is and isn’t a lot of time

@wouldratgerbeunknown I think counselling for you is very important - it will give you the space to be at the centre of the conversation, rather than your husband.
I really hope your story will be a success, it does sound as if your husband it taking it seriously. Hopefully also this now gives you the space to look after yourself a bit. (I know during the worst of things with my husband I found benefit in talking with people who were not close friends or family, that bit of distance was essential).

@wouldratgerbeunknown everything still crossed for you here that he stays sober this time and you are the success story I (for one) need to hear right now💐

Absolutely. Our thread needs a success story

def not mine. Hes back to drinking after his stay in hospital - I knew he would

all his yes I’m going to stop drinking bullshit when he got home ….. 🙄

Thankyou all so much as always. Yes I am very aware that’s it’s very very early days so not really planning too much and still have my possible escape routes open.
yes I need the counselling because I honestly feel like I’m insane.
anyway I’m sorry to hear the ongoing trauma on here and will only update if that’s ok with all of you. I need to stay in this group because you feel like my friends and if / when things go wrong I know you’ll be there.

Always update @wouldratgerbeunknown. This thread is our safe place. So it’s fine to say he’s sober but you are struggling. Or he’s sober and xyz or if it happens that you feel he’s drinking /lying /can’t prove it /doubts

as well of course if he’s sober - we need a happy outcome. Surely one of us deserves that

so we are here for you whenever you need us 🌸🌸

@wouldratgerbeunknown absolutely stay here. We're all hoping your DH stays sober but completely get that the trauma of living with an alcoholic, whether they're in recovery or not, is long lasting. Other people don't understand because they haven't experienced it.

@wouldratgerbeunknown

I agree with the others. First off you will always have a 'home' here! We're all bound together by common experiences regardless of their outcome! And it is good to read some positive outcomes.

I'm sorry you aren't getting the support you would like from your family. I guess park of the 'accept the things I cannot change' is accepting that sometimes we simply can't get what we need from those closest to us. So I'm glad you're seeking counseling. I think it will really be of good use to you.

As far as your DH goes, of course he doesn't think he'll ever drink again. They never think that whether they stay sober or not. But we, on the other hand, live in a constant state of hyper-vigilance against a relapse. We've had to in order to keep not just our sanity but our finances, our belongings, and our children (regardless of their ages). That hyper-vigilance is not something that we can simply take off, like a coat, just because they tell us to trust them, Because God knows we've heard that before. I'm a firm believer in 'you'll know when the time is right'. So I think you will know if or when you can stop anticipating a disaster. And if that time comes, I think you'll be able to relax.

I'm so sorry your family isn't supporting you, @wouldratgerbeunknown . I can understand how they feel and I suspect it's coming from a place of wanting to protect you from disappointment, but you are following your own path and making your own choices, and they should be better at respecting that.

Counselling for you is a very good idea. I benefited from it massively, so did the DC. When you live with an addict, the boundaries of you can get blurred, and having someone who is not in the mix to talk to can really help you get things clear.

We are all rooting for you, success does happen!

Success does happen. A man started aa with dh - he is now almost 5yrs sober and turned his life around

I met his gf at al anon / she is now a close friend - and I say she is my silver lining. I wouldn’t have met her if dh wasn’t an alcoholic

after he showed her he was serious. Stopped drinking. Worked hard. Pays for things for her older kids etc so proved hisself over and over again - she agreed to marry him

been married for 2yrs now. He is a good man and at times I do think why the fuck could dh not get his shit together and be sober like he is

they were friends. Not now as he cba with dh lies esp about drinking. He said it’s so obvious now he’s sober when people are drunk but he said you just don’t care. You want that drink and it’s only him who can change

so yes @wouldratgerbeunknown you worry your dh may relapse. All of ours have - but your dh may be like my friends dh now

some have got to be the success’s of aa

Thankyou all so much. So so generous of you all.

@wouldratgerbeunknown

I know I've mentioned him before, but since we're on success stories, my DB has now been sober 11 years.

He's coming to stay with me tomorrow for 3 days. In the 'before times' I wouldn't have allowed him in my house, now he's a very welcome guest!

@AcrossthePond55 yes I remember you’re planning a trip here with him!!

Yes wonderful your db is sober

Hope as this is quiet, means all is ok with everyone 😀

@Penguinsandspaniels

Sorta kinda. We're in the 'calm before the storm' as far as DH goes. There always seems to be a quiet period after he gets out of the hospital.

Still having problems getting the things changed that I need to get changed per the judgement. It's like 2 steps forward, one step back. Next thing to tackle is the changes in vehicle registrations. I was told there would be no problem without his signature and I could do it at our local Auto Club (they offer DMV services & aren't as crowded) but they told me I had to have his signature. Sigh. So back to calling DMV and questioning it again then going into the actual office. I'd rather chew glass than go into the DMV. But needs must when the devil drives. And I may be back in the position of having to get his signature on the title change documents. Argh!!!!

The reason I'm so desperate is that he is driving that truck without a license and probably drunk. Even sober he isn't really mentally fit to drive. So I need to get my name OFF that truck before some disaster happens. Since the judgment is final I can no longer go get the truck and hide it as it is no longer my property. I wouldn't legally be responsible for any disaster that happens, but I don't want to have to pay a lawyer to fight a lawsuit. Also, the registration is coming due in July and I know he won't pay it.

Seems weird you can just take your name off it. Esp if he’s driving it and you aren’t

It supposedly has to do with the way it's registered that determines whether one or both signatures are required. Co-owners are either registered as 'or' or 'and'. 'Or' supposedly allows either person to change the title without the other's signature whereas 'and' requires both. Ours are 'or'.

I'm hoping it's just that our local auto club only does 'standard' transactions so perhaps they aren't trained for something that isn't a simple change.

I really don't want to have to try to get his signature. One has to sign off on the actual title so he will know that I'm trying to change it. He may be willing to sign to get me off the truck, but no way will he sign to take himself off the car. No way. And I run the risk of him saying 'sure' then grabbing the title and telling me to fuck off.

Of course I have the judgment showing that the truck was awarded to him and the car to me. So I'm hoping that the actual DMV will be able to process the changes.

If the judgement shows you own the car and he owns a truck, surely is common sense that he’s name gets taken off the car and your name gets taken off the truck