Thank you for the welcome, my head is mush but here goes.
Dh has a big problem. He can be lovely, kind, do anything for anyone, hard working and witty. He also spends a lot ( hours a day) of time in the pub. He’s never home when he says he will be, misses mealtimes, comes home to sleep a bit off and goes out again. He pays me lip service with things, then goes about his life with little consideration for me. He occasionally cooks, maybe once a fortnight, does some of the morning school runs, occasionally cuts the grass, always plays with the dog, takes out the recycling. He doesn’t do a lot with the kids. Lately he has had trouble at work due to poor time keeping. For many years now I’ve done everything I can to get him to stop. I don’t drink, work, do 90 %of every thing on my own, especially parenting and household stuff. We have 3 dc, one severely disabled. He has sometimes left her on her own to go out and must be frequently drunk driving. I don’t let him pick our children up anymore. If I try to speak to him or call him out or anything I just get shot down, it gets turned back on me, told it’s my f fault, that I go on about it all the time, he does nothing wrong, he’s ok, shut up , and so on.
A couple of weeks ago he became ill and to cut it short ended up in hospital. He has pneumonia and the forced lack of alcohol put him into withdrawal. He’s had thiamine IV, Librium and all sorts. I went to see him and he clearly has something very wrong, like visiting a dementia patient. I raised my worry, was told it was just withdrawing.
A couple of days later they were wanted to send him home, I refused because I said he was clearly unwell and I couldn’t keep him safe at home, had enough on my plate and so on. He’s still in hospital now. I spoke to the consultant who told me he had pneumonia which could be sorted out, but more importantly had considerable damage to his liver c which is not quite cirrhosis but not far off, and damage to his brain which may recover partially, completely or not at all. I completely broke down , phoned my sister , and everything came out.
A social care nurse got involved. Social services now know and have visited us. They say- I agree- that it’s not an appropriate home situation and a safe guarding issue. While I am providing the safety that’s ok.
Dh doesn’t yet know. He probably won’t be able to be discharged home. I don’t think I can take anything else, I just want it to not be happening . Youngest dd misses him, eldest doesn’t want him to come home.
He appears to be mostly recovering well mentally, and is saying about wanting to come home. I feel ice in my chest at the thought of how he will react when he knows, he’ll be devastated. He loves us and his home, but hasn’t put it first in a long time. He is still rolling his eyes and denying he has a problem, won’t acknowledge the liver issues or the brain things, is dismissive of needing thiamine and says that although he has no cravings if you put a cold , frothy, bubbling beer in front of him he’d drink it. I said, even though you know it wouldn’t do you any good? He said? Yes probably. He hasn’t signed the consent forms for community support, not shown any indication that this has been the worst time of my life. I think he thinks he’s just going to come home, maybe behave a bit betters d it’ll all just be absorbed and go away.
I think he needs to confront his problems, accept he can’t ever drink again and take all the help he can get to get his life on track. If he doesn’t, he stands to have “short years” left according to the hospital.
I can’t think straight. My children are my priority, always , and I just can’t cope with it anymore. But can’t help wanting to scoop him up and bring him home because I’m scared of taking all hope from an essentially good man that I will always love. But then I remember that none of us should have to live like this, it’s all his doing, and I’m the one in pain while he sits there refusing to see the damage.
im sure there is more, but that’s enough for now. Please help if you can, I know you all live this too.