I hope everyone here is ok, sending love to all who need it.
An update from me. Dh has been discharged home 🙁. He refused the meeting with the dr, social care and me, but was spoken to privately by a blunt doctor and a nurse about the harm to his health and family. He’s been told in no uncertain terms that he has to be completely abstinent, and if not one doctor says he has short years to live, another says dead by 65. He’s 51.
Social worker visited and checked on the children. They are confident in my ability to keep them safe as the protective element.
Dh knows everything, but is still deeply denying he is an alcoholic or has a problem, saying no one has told him about the damage to his brain and because he’s ok due to the thiamine drips being successful, then I must be making it up. He says he’s been told he’s fit and healthy, just a tiny bit of liver damage, not that’s it’s not far off cirrhosis.
He thinks I’m just going to suck it all up, and has not acknowledged in any way how this is affecting me or the children, ignoring all attempts to converse properly. On discharge, he spent 20 minutes at home then 4 hours at the pub and getting a haircut, not seeing the children or being involved with them for more than 10 minutes after his return. The following day - rinse abd repeat, in the pub between 4 and 9. Yesterday- very angry about the social worker visit, categorically denying any risk or wrong doing, and telling them that I like to make out the children are scared of him. They’re not when he’s sober, but they are when he’s drunk and saying things and everyone treads on egg shells. Later, he bought ice cream for our youngest and was shouting upstairs to see if our eldest wanted one. She couldn’t hear so I said to our youngest to go and ask her because she obviously didn’t hear, and his comment to that was “oh. It speaks.” (Me)
I ignored. He later went out , returned at 8, fell asleep in a chair. Now out watching the football in a pub, I’m once again alone. I don’t know if he’s had any alcohol since discharge. Possibly not, possibly a little, but I can’t tell properly. Says he’s going to be abstinent, then not abstinent forever. Who knows? Without support it’s just a matter of time I think.
I’ve told him it’s too much and has been for a long time, and that there’s no way back, that we need to focus o the wellbeing of our children, but he can’t see it’s harming anyone in any way. Drips in things like “ I have a stressful job”, “ if we separate it will kill my dad”, “ I don’t want to be a weekend dad…. I’ll leave you to think about that while I go out…” and generally thinks I’m getting what I wanted for years, which is for him to stop drinking, which he’s resentful of. No accountability for anything, or any remorse or acknowledgment of how I’m still doing everything alone and he’s still not participating in a relationship or family life on any way. He hates that I’ve told my family, and just says “ it must be nice to have people worried about you”.
What on earth is the way forward? I don’t want to carry on luke this, I don’t think he’ll accept any responsibility ever, and my life will just be more of the same and eventually he’ll decline further. But it don’t think he’s going to accept it’s over either, or that he can really get himself sorted out. He’s already saying that we will have to sell our home, and I’m saying we won’t because it’s our children’s home and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep it for them.
What a mess. I’m scared if the future, in any case. If he stays it’s only a matter of time probably until it worsens for everyone, if he goes the future is unknown. In any case all I dreamed of and held together for years is just in my head, and I think I face a financially uncertain time, while trying to keep my children’s lives steady and happy. But there’s already been an end to the world we present to everyone else, it’s just me doing everything anyway and he’s a tag on to the portrayal of successful life.
Sorry for the random rambling. It helps to put it all down to people who are not as emotionally invested in my life as me 🙂 but understand. 💐