Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

How old are the kids @Nogoodusername. Think similar age to my dd

it is a waste of their lives / we can’t change or shop them. Took me a very long time to reliese this and why o finally had the strength to say no more. And for dd

i don’t love dh anymore. He killed me love for him. Yes I get sad when photos and memories come up on timehop. When things were good. Preg. Dd being born. Even Covid and our wedding. Then went to shit after that and drinking even more

They are 10 and 7 now, I think very similar age to your DD when contact got limited and removed entirely.

welcome @TotHappy to the group no one wants to be in but glad that we are as we are all supportive as been there

till you have had enough all the threats to leave if don’t stop drinking /sort self out - means diddly shit and they know the the first time you drop your boundaries and their drinking Carry’s on

and they will keep drinking and pushing the boundaries as once you collapse them and let the drinking continue then they continue

And yes it’s hard to say no more. But you have kids. Like me. If you can’t find the strength for yourself. Do it for them.

they and you deserve better

they often say they can cut down. Stop after one. They can’t. It needs to be no more drinking. End of !!

only you can decide whether to stay and support and no one will think less of you here if you give that one chance

but that has to be the one and only chance.

if he drinks then if you say no more you have to carry through or nothing will ever change

kids deserve better. They have no choice to live with their drinking and anger - we have to choose for them to have a better life

those on here who know me. I’ve said so many times I didn’t reliese how much I walked on eggshells till I didn’t

and no dd 9 doesn’t stay with him as I don’t allow it now and haven’t for over a year

I did. We’ve been split over 2yrs - annd first year stayed twice a week - And breathalyser him before and after and dd adored her dad and wanted to stay.

But he did drink with her. and once I had proof I stopped the overnights and she only sees him with me or another adult

he can’t be trusted and she is my only concern

now almost divorced and in the papers it says I have full custody and always will. He didn’t fight it as knew be no point.

I would go to court over it and he would lose - plus as dd is now 9 she is older and knows he drinks and lies and doesn’t want to stay there. Sometimes doesn’t even want to see him

so yes its hard and tiring and draining as I get no break and def none of this 50/50 or eow that most single parents get. But rather that then worry about dd there

tell school. They are supportive and also if you don’t tell them and kids do that’s a huge red flag and safe guarding

Yes I’ve just read your previous post.

im not at that stage yet. But dd will always not have contact alone with ex now. And that is sad. But I have to

You are a fabulous mum @Penguinsandspaniels

Welcome @TotHappy. I had young children and that actually made it easier in the end to leave because I realised I had a responsibility to protect them from him (drink driving, verbal abuse, unpredicitable, sometimes dangerous behaviour). I agree with @Penguinsandspaniels that you should let the school know. None of us can help you to stop your DH from drinking but we can share our own experiences and hopefully those will be helpful.

@TotHappy

I didn't have young DC, I left DH after 38 years of marriage. Most of those years were wonderful, before his love for alcohol surpassed his love for me and his family. I tried to stick it out and carve myself out a life that was separate from his. But in the end that proved impossible so I left. I'm doing well in my little flat with my sons, brother, and my friends to support me. And my friends on this thread, of course!! He's in the marital home, drunker than a fiddler's bitch most of the time and slowly succumbing to what appears to be 'wet brain'.

The thing I want to emphasize is that ultimatums and threats do no good. So it's best not to make them because the minute you fail to keep them you have blunted your sword and they will know they can get away with their drinking and you'll stay. You need to be ready and willing to walk away before you say anything. And then do it when they fail. And they will.

And please as was said upthread put yourself first. Because if you put yourself first that is putting your children first, too.

If your mum doesn't know the whole truth this is the time to confide in her. What's the saying "Speak the truth and shame the devil"? Well drink is certainly the devil!

We're here for you. And remember that there will be nothing you can say or confide to us that one or more of us haven't dealt with.

Sometimes I don’t think I am. It’s Hard trying to do what’s best , what will keep her safe and also then the guilt that she had a crap dad who just can’t /wont stop drinking and will end up dying and then how to deal with that

but I know no point worrying till/if/when that happens

Hello I am new to this group and it’s taking me a long while to come to terms with the fact my DH is an alcoholic. I asked for separation and he said he will change and says he hasn’t drank for over a week now but I’ve caught him out in a lie yesterday so he started laughing at me and says he can’t believe o think he has a problem. FYI he was drinking bottle of red every night AND half bottle pf whisky Soemtimes more. This has been a few years now and even on work nights.
bow the atmosphere in the house is horrible as he tells me he is making effort and I am making things difficult. He expects me to just be ok overnight but I think I’m totally done :(

@idontknowwhattodo2026 deep breath.

You do know what to do. It's in your post. And you are right in thinking there is a problem.

You don't need his permission to divorce him. His drinking is negatively affecting your life. You don't mention whether or not you have children, but if you do then they will also be affected.

So start quietly planning your escape. Get copies of financial documents, make sure your personal documents and the DC if any are secure, start telling trusted people. Look into housing options, find out whether you're entitled to benefits.

He isn't going to change unless he sees you mean it, and even then chances are slim.

And welcome to the thread, keep posting and we will support you.

Glad you found us @idontknowwhattodo2026 - I was on your other thread. You know he’s one of control and that he won’t stop or change unless he wants to

it took all of us a while to say no more.

as I said on other thread there was no way he wasn’t drinking

an effort means no drinking. To go to aa or similar. To talk to doctor and be HONEST

there is no fault divorce now. So no need for his permission. You just fill the forms in online and start the wheels in motion. Once you apply , you have to wait 20w until can do anything else. Equally after those 20w you can change your mind if you truely believe dh has changed but j doubt he will

and that’s from our own experiences

so apply now. You have a toddler and they do pick up on things quickly and understand fear

remember none of this is your fault The 3 c’s

you didn't cause it

You can't control it

you can't cure it

@idontknowwhattodo2026

Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to. Yet here we all are.

What @pointythings said.

I asked for separation and he said he will change

If that's true (it isn't) then he can change just as easily living elsewhere as he can living with you. Because they have to stop drinking for themselves, not for us. So whether we're there or not shouldn't matter.

And you need no one's permission to live your life in the best way you know how. IF that's separation or divorce, so be it. And in addition to pointy's advice on getting your paperwork together, etc I advise you to speak with a solicitor. Take a snapshot of family income, outgo, and assets. Find out what divorce may mean to you and what the actual process will be. Forewarned is forearmed. Knowledge is power.

And absolutely right now GO STEALTH. Do not say you're contemplating divorce, do not make threats/ultimatums. Unless you feel you and DC are in danger, lull him into a feeling of security. You want to be able to make your plans in secret and without his suspicious eye on you.

And yes, TELL. Pick a friend or relative (or more than one) in whom you have confidence and tell them everything. You deserve all the support you can get.

You'll get through this. And we're here for you.

@idontknowwhattodo2026 as @pointythings says you know what to do. You have to start making plans to leave him. He is laughing at you, not listening to you and continuing to drink while telling you lies. You can't argue him out of drinking. There is absolutely nothing you can do to stop him if he is determined to continue. All you can do is take care of yourself.

Been having a rough few days. Did all the work and expense for the legal separation only to find that the bank is still demanding that he 'sign off' on changing the beneficiaries on my investments even though the papers say they are my 'sole and separate property' and one of them has been declared to 'never have been community property'. Contacted my atty and she said there's nothing we can do but go back to court to petition a judge to issue a legal order and 'sign for him'. She suggested that I at least try to get him to sign before going through that expense and the time it will take. So I have one of the forms and hopefully will get the other form today. I'm still trying to work out my strategy as to how I'm going to 'present' them to him.

He's in the hospital once again. A nurse showed up at the house for a home visit on Wednesday, it was empty and the keys to his truck were on the console. As near as we could figure he'd been gone apparently on foot for about 2 hours. Long story short, the police had had numerous reports of his erratic behaviour and 'concern' about his driving. Someone (him?) called 911, the fire dept showed up (I think he was on the side of the road with the truck) and he was transported to the ER. I only found this out when I called to report him as a missing 'vulnerable senior'. Sigh. I think a firefighter must have driven the truck home and left the keys where they would be visible.

I was sort of 'chided' by the police about 'letting' him drive as he has no license & is 'confused'. I explained to them that we are separated and under our judgement the truck is now his sole property and I cannot 'confiscate' it. They did say I could hide the keys which I have done. I told them that unless an LEO tells me to I'm not telling him where they are.

There's more but suffice it to say that he was completely addlepated and behaving 'oddly'. It doesn't appear that he was drunk, at least the hospital didn't say he was. They've run tests, blah blah blah. But as it stands he's now coherent so whatever was wrong with him, he appears to be back to his 'normal state'. The Dr did mention the possibility of him needing 'a facility' but I explained to him that I cannot make that decision for him, it would be considered a conflict of interest. I'm sure the Dr will be getting social workers involved.

And so, apparently according to DH, he's being discharged home today. I'm thinking I may 'volunteer' to drive him home IF he'll sign the forms. Needs must when the devil drives.

get him to Sign the form before the lift home

so is he going to be done for drink driving ?

Oh that sounds so stressful. What are your forgery skills like? I’d be temped to sign on his behalf especially as you know you’re not swindling him and he won’t recall whether he did or didn’t. Still drop him back but say he signed during that time?

@Penguinsandspaniels
One can only be done for DUI here if they actually catch you driving. If he was sitting behind the wheel and the vehicle is off they really can't.

@wouldratgerbeunknown
My forgery skills suck the big wazoo plus it would be a felony anyway.

Long story short I got his signature on both forms before he left the hospital. Ran around like my arse was on fire getting one form printed and picking up the other from the investment firm to race there before he was discharged. I had taken his (dead) phone to my place to charge it so took it and the forms. I called him from the parking lot and said I had his phone and 'some forms to sign'. I think he was so glad to see me (which is sad) but even happier to have his phone. He didn't ask for much detail about the forms, just glanced at them and signed. He was completely coherent and capable of reading them over if he had wanted to.

He took Uber home. Since I already had his signature I didn't volunteer and he hadn't been discharged before I got there so it wasn't an issue.

All's well that ends well. One form has been dropped off and the other will be submitted on Wednesday. Still more paperwork to be done on other things, but I've called and apparently I won't need his signature for those, the judgement will do.

He lasted 20 minutes at home before he left to go buy alcohol, driving of course. I assume driving because he covered the Ring camera and he always does that when he's going to drive. He didn't actually get the alcohol because he was using the wrong ATM card. He's managed to get it today though, again I assume he drove. He must have managed to find the correct card.

So, 'status quo all over again'.

Sorry that you had to go through the stress @AcrossthePond55 but very glad you now have the signatures. Onwards and upwards huh!

I have had a stream of emails from Ex this past couple of days. I think he is finished with his emails to his siblings about letting him down and his first wife re contact removal, so it’s my turn. Apparently I used him in our relationship and now show a total disregard for him. He wants love, no judgement, someone to hold his hand, to be listened to and not told what to do. Because I didn’t try that approach for one functioning alcoholic year and a further hideous spiral year plus. Idiot.

He’s always banging on about people need to do more, step up and support. HOW exactly. What is there left to do that we haven’t tried previously?? If no one is “stepping up,
doing more, and supporting” it’s because years of that approach failed and it isn’t our bloody battle.

I think Ex wants everyone to sit around with him saying poor you, poor you, poor brave you, of course you can’t be expected not to drink when you have the world’s worst problems and issues ever, poor you, poor you, you are wonderful and amazing and so brave. FFS.

Just needed to get the rage out of my system!

@Nogoodusername

I feel your pain. The verbal/emailed abuse and bullshit is cyclical, isn't it? I never know from one day to the next if I'll get abusive HD or pitiful DH. Rage away! As Hagrid said to Ron when he was coughing up slugs "Better out than in".

They'll never get it. That they're not the victim in this, they're the cause and perpetrator of their own 'victimhood'. They choose to drink, we aren't pouring it down their gullets. And they have enough self-pity to buoy themselves up with, they don't need or deserve our pity, too. And that we are not required to destroy ourselves in a futile attempt to 'support' them in their addiction. Because you are right, that's what they want us to do. Tell them nothing is their fault and that we'll 'fix' or hold their hands through everything they fuck up; finances, legal woes, failed attempts at sobriety. And lastly that it's ok that they're fucking drunks because the world and everything and everyone in it is 'against them'.

I'm sick of it, just like you are.

Where ex got done for being drunk in charge as in van with keys and empty vodka bottle which he drank apparently once he stopped the van 🙄

obv we all know this is false but …..

yah you got forms signed @AcrossthePond55 but a shame he drank as soon as got home

rage away @Nogoodusername

I'm glad you got the forms signed, @AcrossthePond55 . I so recognise the alcoholic-as-victim narrative - it's something they all do. It's as if they think that if they play it convincingly enough, we will all then pat them on the shoulder, go out and buy them a case of booze and tell them 'There there, dear. Drink as much as you want, I'll deal with everything'. Deluded.

I often found that the full of rage drunk was more straightforward, though scarier, to deal with than the poor-me I've had it so hard drunk. But both were exhausting and I often felt I was losing my grip on my sanity. There comes a point when we've got to step back and let them get on with it.

@CharlotteByrde I can't agree with you, but then my late husband only did rage drunk once and that was on the night he threatened to kill me. I was terrified. Whereas his 'woe is me' persona just irritated me.

I think I had rage mostly from him, and that scared me because of my inability to be calm in the face of it, and of course the moment after I lost it I regretted my lack of control. If I ignored him, he got angrier. It was a horrendous viscous circle. (In retrospect the things that triggered his anger were so petty and controlling like a cupboard door left open or a phone call not answered immediately that I cannot really imagine I lived through it)