Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

@AcrossthePond55 don’t do it for him. That’s enabling

Thanks for the suggestion. The place where he is now doesn't 'do' testing, it's basically a nursing home.

I can tell him what he needs and tell him to call his doctor, but I doubt he'll follow through.

This is where it comes down to how badly do I want that information and what am I willing to 'risk' to get it.. It would mean paying for doggie daycare (no problem) and picking him up in my car (problem) and driving him probably 50 miles round trip only to be told 'we'll write a referral' and have then repeat it all again later for the lab appointment.

I really don't want my him in my car for fear that he will try to take it or refuse to get out of it at the house and want me to come in. It's in both our names but here in CA when it comes to jointly owned cars possession really IS 9/10ths of the law. If he were to actually get it away from me I'd legally have no way of getting it back. I just don't want to risk that. It's one of the main reasons that I refuse to tell him where I'm living (even though it's a gated complex). I just can't risk him taking the car.

I know you're right and my brother just told me the same thing. But unfortunately all I'm seeing is someone with a cognitive impairment who isn't capable of handling the legal stuff related to his DUI.

So I'm having to fight the 'OG' (no F). The habits of nearly 40 years die hard. And the love is not only not dead, it is amazingly healthy for something I've tried to beat down. So right now I'm pretty 'off balance'. But I'll get my equilibrium back.

I have you all and good friends and family to lean on to get me through this. I just sort of ask myself 'what's the worst that can happen'. And that would be him serving 6 months in jail. And would that really be such a bad thing? Maybe 6 months of forced sobriety in jail would get him the help he needs and/or make him truly realize how he's fucked up his life. Or not.

@AcrossthePond55 I totally understand your conflict. My Dsis and I felt the same when it came to our mum. In the end we got in touch with her carers and her GP and although it took time, we did manage to arrange an assessment for sectioning (in the Netherlands this works in a way that's very similar to the UK, the threshhold for involuntary detention is very high). It sounds like it would be even tougher in the US, and you do indeed risk getting pulled in deeper than you want to be.

In terms of what I would suggest I'd say go with the holding pattern - no facilitating assessments, do what you feel you must in terms of the court case. You have the insight to know what you're doing.

Could you pay someone to take him ?

@Penguinsandspaniels

He could take an Uber there and back if he really wanted to get there. Even if I hired a car and driver, they couldn't force him into the car. Because the real issue isn't the actual transportation, the real issue is follow through.

Most of the time the lack of follow through is because he's been drunk when the time came to keep an appointment. Obvs he's insistent that he will remain sober but past behaviour doesn't 'predict' that. We will have to see what happens once he's home.

@pointythings Here it starts with an appointment with your GP who writes a referral to the correct department. Then you schedule an appointment with that department. If he had 'carers' I'd be more than happy to leave it to them. As it is, he's on his own. Once again, I'll just have to see what happens when he gets home.

At this point I am in a holding pattern, so you're right there. Nothing to be done until he actually gets home. There's supposedly a 'discharge conference' being held on Wednesday. Physically I'd say he's ready. He still has a wound on his toe, but that can be dealt with by home care wound nurses.

So I'm telling myself that this is all a 'Thursday problem'. It's going on the shelf til then.

DH’s business has collapsed. I’ve been expecting it but it’s come sooner than I anticipated. He will probably go bankrupt. So that’s halved our income. I’m remarkably cold and clear, tonight at least. My job is to protect the children. I’ll be applying for a divorce as soon as I’ve taken legal advice. I’d been working out finances in my head for months and it will be a tough month ahead because we have almost no money for three weeks, then I’ll go into the financial plan I’ve had in mind. It also means he’ll have almost no money for alcohol. It’s really serious and puts me right in the shit, for now at least, but all I can feel is relief that I’m finally free of him, mentally at least. This is not my problem to sort out, other than to stabilise home life. Not sure I’ll be so calm in the days to come.

Hugs to you @AcrossthePond55 It’s so hard not to sort out their problems. It’s such a habit. I’m going to really struggle not to help DH, partly because I did love him and partly because I’m a decent person like you and hate to see people in difficulties.

We’ve been living month to month so no financial reserves.

Oh no I kept an eye on here and thought it’s remarkably quiet so I hope things are ok! But no of course they’re not ok.
@AcrossthePond55 what difference would it mean practically to get a diagnosis of cognitive impairment? Would it mean him staying in a care facility? Is that what you’d want?Apart from a brain scan the testing is really just a series of questions. And you know him well enough to know that he’s not functioning well and that presumably he’s sober so it’s not the booze talking? I really feel for you as you’re in an impossible situation still being pulled back into taking some degree of responsibility.
@LavenderFielddsthat sounds dreadful I hope you’ve got real life support . Sounds like things are rapidly deteriorating.
good luck with the legal advice.

I am so sorry that you're being hit by financial disaster, @LavenderFieldds . I know you knew it was inevitable, bug still.

On the other hand you sound as if you have fully found your steel, so you will be fine. We will be here to support you.

@LavenderFieldds sorry to hear about business

can you apply for uc - even if Joint claim then once split - take him off it

divorce does take a long time. I applied Sept. You have to then leave it 20w after paying - incase change mind

then after 20w so 5mths. Agree still want divorce. Then apply to judge for conditional order which is the old decree nisi. Then make sure clean break order innate with any maintenance /where kids live and money /house /assets split

judge then agrees - and then another 8w wait

I’m now in the 8w wait so been 7mths and be 9mths when all done

an that was with ex not contesting anything and agreeing to sign

if your dh did agree then I used a great firm online that does it all for you for think £699 - which is on tops of the £612 to divorce plus think £60 court fee so costing me so far £1300 ish

yes it’s an extra cost but worth it as they do all the paperwork etc - I just sign it and send bank then. They file and sen to judge etc

@AcrossthePond55 so sounds better you take him so knows he is seen

Now is when you'll truly come into your own. You've made your plans and will execute them.

Are you able to separate finances before the 3 weeks? Or at least open your own bank account so your own income is 'sheltered' away from him?

but all I can feel is relief that I’m finally free of him, mentally at least

I felt that way too right after I left. Hopefully you won't have the wobbling I've had now and again. I think if I'd had younger DC it would be easier for me to stay strong.

what difference would it mean practically to get a diagnosis of cognitive impairment?

That's a really good question. I have no idea to tell you the truth. Maybe it's just so I know what is real and what may be him playing me? That's what DS2 has suggested, that DH knows how to get to me by playing on my compassion. He said that he's not saying there isn't' a problem, just that it may not be as serious as it appears. He also says that regardless, he has brought it on himself and is not my problem to solve. (Like everyone here and IRL is telling me)

Would it mean him staying in a care facility? Is that what you’d want?

It's actually the very opposite of what I'd want. This may sound mercenary, but as long as he's in the house, he's paying the mortgage. If he went into a care facility that would have to stop in order to pay for it. Remember, no NHS and no funded care for what is considered 'custodial' care, meaning no actual medical treatment is required. I can't afford my own living expenses AND paying for the house. Right now all financial things are 'locked up' until the separation is finalized so I don't even know if the house could be sold. I've also been advised that because of the pending separation I am not an acceptable conservator, it would be a conflict of interest. I could go on, but you get the drift. It would be a potential legal minefield and financial disaster.

that he’s not functioning well and that presumably he’s sober so it’s not the booze talking

He's about 3 weeks sober so pretty sure it's not the booze. It's probably wet brain.

But I'm going to put this whole thing on the mental shelf until after the medical conference meeting. We'll see what happens then. I have a feeling that if they say he's not ready for discharge he'll discharge himself AMA. It won't be the first time.

Except for the issue about not wanting him in the car. I can't take the risk.

I suppose we could Uber together. I'd have to have the Uber pick me up from Park and Ride since I don't want the car at the house, either.

But that's a tomorrow problem.

So he wants the car more then he wants the house ?

@AcrossthePond55 maybe better to not open that can of worms then? If he’s deemed not safe to return home then it might be a worse outcome for you financially? My sister in laws alcoholic dementia affected mother had been in a nursing home for a number of years now. No access to booze and she’s very well looked after . She has zero idea who she is or where she is. She’s seen by a GP every couple of weeks and is treated promptly for any chest infection or UTI. The value of her home was used up a long time ago as her assets of course will mainly go towards paying for her care. My sister in law just wishes she’d pass away peacefully as she is often distressed and no one can help her. A terrible end for her and very upsetting for her family. So I completely understand why you’d want to avoid a care home. Sounds harsh but there we are.

No, it's that he wants the car to drive rather than drive his truck. Neither of us want the house and we'd been planning on selling before the shit hit the fan. He's just kind of stuck living in it for the time being.

He's lost his driver's license due to the DUI. But for some reason he'll get it in his head that he's OK to drive the car, but not the truck (he was in the truck when he got the DUI. So occasionally he'll say that I 'need' to bring the car over because he wants to drive it. That it's jointly owned and we need to 'share it'. Obvs I say I won't and that he's not allowed to drive AT ALL.

Occasionally he'll get 'stuck' on the fact that it's a jointly owned car so if he wants it, I must bring it to him and he can get pretty angry about it when I refuse. This is why I'm concerned that he might try to keep it if he gets inside it. Bottom line is, both of us have equal rights to the car. If he pushed me out of the way and drove off with it the police can't make him give it back. And I'd be up shit creek without a pair of roller skates.

That's kind of what I feel. If finding out exactly where he is mentally may open a can of 'adult service' worms maybe I'm better to just keep schtum and toddle along helping him out here and there to keep him 'afloat' in the house until the separation is finalized and the house is sold.

The way it works here is IF Medi-Cal (govt assistance medical insurance) starts paying before the house is sold, then a lien for the amount they've paid for his care gets put on the house until it's sold. Problem is that since it's jointly owned and I am NOT living in it (and don't want to since I've described the state its in) the state could take the whole value of the house, not just his 1/2 share. So to avoid that, I'd probably be forced to move back in as they can only 'lien' 1/2 the value if the spouse is living in the house. And for that, I'd probably have to spend $3-6k to get the house cleaned up just to make it livable because all his savings would be gone before Medi-Cal kicked in. And that wouldn't include getting rid of all his junk.

Our sons, my brother, and my BFF have all said it would 'be easier' if he passed away. Because of my emotions my brain won't allow me to have that thought. When my mum was in the final stages of dementia and was pretty much just a 'shell', I felt like your SiL and I prayed for God to take her. But I can't do or think that now because he's not at that stage and I'd feel I was doing it for selfish reasons.

To be brutally frank, it is easier in many ways if they pass away, particularly if you're still married. But even if you did wish it, @AcrossthePond55 it could be a long time before it happens so it's better to do as you're doing and focus on the things you need to keep you in as good a place as possible, emotionally and practically, even if that means stepping back sometimes and letting him get on with it, or not.

@LavenderFieldds so sorry to hear that. Losing income is terrifying, but you seem to have prepared for this happening, mentally at least. Very best of luck getting through this hard time. And you will get through it. Things will get better-keep coming on here for support. x

For everyone who has wished their addict dead and felt bad about it: the thought is not the deed. Those thoughts are part of your grieving for the person you no longer have.

I wished my husband dead, and he died. I wished my mother dead, and she died. I didn't cause their deaths.

Wise words

def be easier and less stressful if ex dies but then have dd emotions

drink will cause his death

When will your divorce be finalised @AcrossthePond55 as in how much longer do you need to do this and can sell the house