Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

And Thankyou i actually feel a bit relieved after spewing all that out! Hope you all have a peaceful night those on this side of the world and hope things are ok for you @AcrossthePond55 over there!
@Hellodarknes55keep thinking of you
@LavenderFielddshoping you get some respite this evening xx

@wouldratgerbeunknown you’re not in a bottomless well of self pity. You’re facing some really difficult truths. Be kind to yourself. Cut yourself some slack. It’s truly rubbish. Come here and vent. I’m also wary of alienating people, so I totally feel you on that.

Mine is System of a Down. I not a huge fan of metal rock, but I like them when I need a musical rant.

He’s being utterly foul and all I want is for him to see what he’s doing and stop. It will be him that loses out most but it’s like he just can’t see that.

I get you. I felt the same way just before I left. I even said to him at one point "Don't you see what you're risking?" and got told "I'm not risking anything, you are!" (but with swear words).

And even now that he HAS lost virtually everything he still doesn't get it. He's lost his wife, his sons, his driver's license, soon a lot of money (DUI costs), he's even lost his dog who he will tell you is the most important thing in his life. But none of that has made him realize why. Or sometimes I think he does, but he thinks it will all come flying back to him on that day when he magically stops drinking without any help, without any support. Even if that magic day happens he has lost his sons for good, both of them have said that. And me? Yes, I think he's lost me for good too.

He’s frequently reminding me it’s all my fault though,

Well, of course it is!! Who else's could it be????? 🙄 My DH's usual line is that he doesn't have a problem other than that I think he has a drinking problem.

if I so much as speak in the wrong tone or look up the wrong way I get completely flattened for up to a hour.

Oh God, the intolerable seemingly endless diatribes where they throw everything past, present, and future at you!!! I can remember just sitting there silently thinking "Will you just shut the fuck up!!!???!!!" but knowing that if I said anything it would 'recharge his engine' and he'd go on even longer. The problem is that they take our silence for agreement. That's why they keep doing it.

Those harangues are what started me going upstairs and locking myself in the spare bedroom just to get away. He was usually so drunk that he wouldn't follow me upstairs but he then started standing at the bottom shouting at me. It was on one of those occasions that my little voice said "You.have.had.ENOUGH. Why are you putting up with this?" and I called the sheriff's office and they came and escorted me out. Naturally, he was as meek as a lamb once they got there, all wide-eyed innocence and puzzled brow, wondering why on Earth I'd called them because of course I could leave if I wanted to but he couldn't understand why I'd want to. He didn't fool them one bit.

@wouldratgerbeunknown

Nothing you have said makes me think for one moment you are wallowing self pity. Far from it. I think a lot of fears and realizations are hitting you at once and you're on overload. When that happens I think we sometimes have an emotional collapse. But it's not self pity. It's emotional drowning. I think we've all been there.

As far as telling him if he drinks again you'll leave, there's nothing wrong with saying that because it's the truth. But I think now that he's been 'warned' I probably wouldn't say it anymore. IMHO it's not going to stop him from relapsing because in the end their desire to drink overrules any words, threats, or ultimatums we may give them. Just quietly make your plans and trust in them. His drinking or not is up to him.

I'm sorry you're feeling unsupported IRL. But remember that most of the time people aren't mind readers and simply don't notice what we're going through unless we're wailing and gnashing our teeth. Please don't be afraid to say to your family "Hey, I'm having a real hard time here". Sometimes it's hard to do that, at least it was for me because I was normally the one everyone came to when things went wrong.

Listen, this is just 'a thing you're going through right now'. You'll get through it, you will. It may take time, but I believe your path will be made clear to you.

Thanks for the check-ins. I am still here.
DS phoned this morning. We hoped for a chat but in his usual transactional focus, he was looking for more credit allowance on his phone. He did tell us that he is having injections 4 times a day and the odd meeting. Plus the food is good.
I remain relaxed in my home which I haven’t been able to say for 3.5 years. Planning to go away for a few days. You are right when you say I should focus on now and worry about what comes when it actually comes.
I had some reflexology for the first time and felt very calm after.
I will keep enjoying the calmness
hugs to all of you.

@wouldratgerbeunknown telling him that there are consequences if he drinks again is fine. You've done that, he has fair warning. Job done, now leave it up to him.

It sounds as if he is really going to struggle with the step where he has to accept and atone for everything he has done to others. It's a crucial one because it means facing what he has done and what he is. If he doesn't take it, and properly, he cannot be said to be in recovery. Watch out for that.

Your feelings are all normal and valid. I used to puke in the shower when it all got to me. Fun times.

@AcrossthePond55 if you weren’t on the other side of the world I’d ask whether we were married to the same man. It’s so wearing, isn’t it?

Can I just say to all of you that your willingness to be brutally honest is the reason I think you're all bloody warriors!!
It's sooo painful to 'talk' (type) about all of our low points and pain but in doing so, you have given me and I'm sure countless others the courage to do the same and to feel safe to do so on this thread.
Some days I honestly can't wait to get on and read all of the updates and posts, here feels like somewhere I 'belong', when the rest of society judges, doesn't understand what we go through and thinks " why don't you just leave then?".
You all feel like real friends and I can't tell you how much I value you, so a huge thanks and keep posting, keep being the brilliant women you are, you are appreciated very much😍

@wouldratgerbeunknown that’s great dh is sober 10w tho sure feels a lot different for you

you were right to tell him. Boundaries. You now knows and course if he relapses you and kids will need to follow through - but no need to worry about that yet as he’s sober

they do forget very easily they upset and tremor they put us through

not self pity at all. Just realistic and honestly we get it over here as been there

those who have not lived with an alcoholic 24/7 do not reliese what we put up with and unless you actually say to them , thy won’t know

@Hellodarknes55 enjoy the peace and think of you

@LavenderFieldds you said he’s cut out spirits but he’s still drinking ?

@AcrossthePond55 thy sadly just don’t see what they have lost but in dh case will moan constantly how bad life is and woe is me

re read what you wrote. If I speak in a wrote tone or look the worn way I get flattened

that is no way to live

step 4. That’s the one ex struggles on and never got past it and why still drinks - that they have to accept what has done and make amends

Don’t think DH has any intention of not drinking. Giving up spirits is a positive step for now as he’s slightly less evil when he’s just drinking cider. He is fully intent on drumming it into me that I’m at least as bad as him and that he will only change if I stop making him so miserable.

Only you can decide when you have had enough @LavenderFieldds / the fact he is still drinking says it all

Just keep lining up those ducks.

TBH I've thought the same thing! But I think there is probably a lot of commonality in men who are alcoholics AND have a 'bad temper' so I guess it's not surprising that our H's think and act alike** (God help us!!)

I can't tell you how freeing it was after I left when I realized that if he started a rant I could (ta-DAAA!) put the phone down on him!! WOW, what a realization and feeling that was! But it hasn't really stopped him, it's just given me peace and a great feeling that I can now do what I couldn't do before. I can silence him.

Just out of curiosity does your H do the 'nothing happened, everything's rosy' thing? Once DH had vented his spleen on me, he then walked around the house whistling or humming as if he was very happy (which I suppose he was). Then he'd start a conversation as if nothing had happened. The happy whistling/humming felt worse to me than the harangue because it meant that he actually enjoyed it.

** I haven't completely ruled out teleportation, though😆

I’m lining up my ducks. I’ve more than had enough, but practicalities.

It will take as long as it takes. You're in charge.

It's funny how they think that if they don't drink spirits that means they aren't an alcoholic. My DH drinks beer, and occasionally those 'canned cocktails'. But I guess if it comes out of a can it means you aren't a drunk. Well sorry to inform them, but if you are drinking 12-24 beers/ciders in a day you're just as much a drunk as that guy in the gutter on Skid Row drinking cheap hooch out of a paper bag.

Oh, the reasons and rationalizations they hold close to themselves.

My DH actually told me that he was not 'a drunk' like my (now sober) brother because he drank straight vodka and DH 'only' drinks beer. Oh how my brother laughed at that!

There is power and satisfaction in herding those ducks in a row. Allow yourself to feel it. There's nothing 'wrong' in being glad you're working towards leaving an abusive situation. Because drunks are abusive even if they don't scream, hit, or throw things.

I had no plans to leave when I started getting my ducks in a row albeit in very tiny ways. In fact, I had decided to 'stick it out' and try to create my own separate life in the midst of the chaos. It almost seemed as if an invisible hand was guiding me and preparing me for that day I called the sheriff.

I didn’t get my ducks in a row

one day I just had enough - knowing he wouldn’t stop drinking or lying or gaslighting me

you will know when your enough is there

@AcrossthePond55 this is exactly what’s happening to me! Oh, I wish you were closer - I have a feeling we could have a delicious chat. So glad I have you all here. I also feel like I have the community o can only dream of irl.

Unfortunately my ‘enough’ will almost certainly involve having him removed by the police. It will be very ugly and very final, so I’m lining up all I can before it happens. My elderly mum lives with us and we have lots of animals, so I have to make sure they’re all safe too. I can put up with him a bit longer. Perfect preparation and all.

When you get there and you pull the trigger, I'll be there. Including contactable by phone if you want.

Mine has very genuine CPTSD which partly accounts for both the verbal abuse and the drinking. I’ve let him off the hook on a lot because of it. But it’s genuinely making me ill.

Thank you, @pointythings . That made me cry, in a good way.

Oh and yes, he wanted sex shortly after he told me he wanted to punch me in the face and told me I was most unreasonable when I said I was still upset.