Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

I really value you all. Off to the supermarket to but essentials and some totally unnecessary but necessary sweets.

@LavenderFieldds As someone who did not put ducks in any kind of row, and it happened by calling the police I’m happy to pm about my experience and how it played out if helpful.

@LavenderFieldds

And I'll be there in spirit. Hands across the water 🫱🏻🌊 🫲🏻

Ah, @AcrossthePond55 now you’ve made me cry too!

Thank you, I’d appreciate that.

I'd completely blocked the post-harangue sex from my mind. Luckily as we got older that part of things had thankfully sort of 'died down' so I hadn't had to deal with that for quite a few years. All I had to deal with were demands for hugs and kisses. I think that was more to prove to himself that what he did wasn't 'all that bad'.

I have been through it, so I can support, so I will if you want it.

here as well if need an extra person

@LavenderFieldds I would offer but as I’m still embroiled in it all I don’t know what I can contribute but I’m here if I can do anything!!

Thank you @wouldratgerbeunknown . I don’t feel much use to anyone on here either at the moment but I’m hoping that one day I’ll be able to support too.

Ironically he’s been very good this last 12 hours. DD has had a horrible vomiting bug - has only just stopped being sick for the first time in 12 hours - and he stayed up with her all night, multiple changes of bedding and clothing for them both, he’s stripped and washed everything.

They can have their 'moments, but don't let that throw you off. Even after a year apart, DH can still occasionally 'reel me in' with his 'reasonableness'. But it only takes one wrong word from me and he's 'off and running'.

Enjoy the peaceful moments, they can give you a minute to catch your breath. But do NOT let yourself believe in them

A wise comment from another forum I posted in was to judge your marriage on how it works when things are bad, not when things are good. I have held this thought in my mind often.

So he should be. He’s her parent tho equally maybe he’s trying extra hard ?

Hope dd feels better soon

Dd had a school thing today. Picked up ex at 1130 and again tb stench of vodka as he got in the car

at 1130 ffs - knowing going to be around dd and other parents 🙄

he didn’t seem drunk. Never does but jeez the smell

Did you drive him to the school @Penguinsandspaniels ?

yes as if I asked been drinking , He would have said no and kicked off and I knew dd would have wanted him there so said nothing

just easier that way. Other people obv would have smelt if got close enough

@Penguinsandspaniels just wanted to say you seem like a wonderful mother. Definitely putting your daughter s needs first. Sadly I guess it won’t be too long before she is embarrassed by him and doesn’t want her friends seeing him. But in the meantime you’re putting your feelings aside for her benefit. That’s true love ❤️

Thank you @wouldratgerbeunknown - I just try and do my best.

I don’t always get it right and yes as dd is getting older she is more worried /alert to stuff.

Things she shouldn’t have to worry about as she is a child

@Penguinsandspaniels well done, you’re amazing. For driving him, being seen out with him and not rising to him kicking off. Your daughter will understand how much that means when she’s older. Hugs xx

Oh the decisions we never thought we would ever have to make, right?

You are so clear eyed when it comes to DD. And I agree that the time will come when she no longer wants him around 'in public'. I think that day may come sooner than you think.

@LavenderFielddsWell if I didn’t he wouldn’t get there as has no car/van anymore and prob a blessing as he’s a danger and would def bedone for drunk driving

used to get a bus up as we live opposite ends of same town

I had to keep saying to myself. He wasn’t all bad. I did love him. A lot. We planned dd and it is sad how his life is v 2/3yrs ago v 6/8yrs when she was a toddler

i think she realises a little now but yes when older / a teen (if he is still alive) she may not be so quiet about his drinking

i have to be @AcrossthePond55. She only has me and I have to look out for her and make sure she is safe - that’s what parents do

and why I refuse to let her stay nights there tho would make my life much easier work wise and obv means i have some adult time

same with till she wants to spend a few hours alone with him , I will be there on a a Sunday

he doesnt like it and has made comments to his older daughter along the lines of I’m not letting her

who just says , you know why and till dd wants to stay alone then penguins has to stay. It’s not me saying no. It’s dd and she had told her big sister that as well

I am lucky I have his older kids support - I get it’s hard for them as obv you want your dad to be happy and see his kids

equally they said I’ve done the right thing as dd is the important one and they wish their mum had divorced him years before she did Ashe drank too much when they were kids

she is the important one

he wouldn’t delib hurt her. He loves her as I do - just he loves vodka more as won’t stop drinking - so I do what I do

Well, DH got his 'offer' from the DA for a plea deal on his DUI. His attorney has sent him an email to call and discuss. He's still in the nursing home so I made sure he saw the email on Saturday.

Today I reminded him to call and he seemed to have no memory of it all. Sigh. He said he would and I offered to take part in a 3 way call if he wanted. But no idea if he'll carry through.

I honestly don't know how he thinks he'll manage when he goes home if this is the best his memory is. He'll be able to feed himself etc, but as far as managing his 'affairs' and paying bills, I have no idea.. He IS still (enforced) sober so I'm wondering how serious his 'wet brain' is and what the future holds for him. But for today I have to let all of that go since there's nothing I can (or should say am willing) to do. I do NOT want to step in and take over the running of his life.

I hope everyone's days are going smoother than mine!

@AcrossthePond55 he needs a cognitive assessment in order to find out just how bad the alcohol related brain damage is. My mother managed to drink herself into full blown Wernicke-Korsakoff stage 2 in 18 months after my dad died, it can be very quick.

Ex has no brain any more. Repeats self so many times - I got bored of it sat and said yes I know. You’ve told me

at whatever he was repeating

also lies to make his self sound big This is really outing if anyone knows me

• he has one of those tops with you are important on the back and said people kept saying to me. Thanks for making me feel great about my self. You made my day etc

once sat at the table he didn’t move or speak to anyone so who the hell were these amazing imaginary adults