Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

Just checking in to the new thread! Things are going ok here - DH tapering down waiting for the home detox to start. He is going to try a medication which stops the cravings once he’s stopped altogether. Just got to get there first…

Thanks for new thread. Taking dd to see ex Tom for an hour. She doesn’t really want to go - she is wise beyond her years and only 8 which is due to his behaviour

I don’t know whether to keep ‘making’ her tho once there she seems to enjoy seeing him and cuddles and talks to him but they dont do much and I stay as she doesn’t want to be alone with him after his behaviour a few months back and was drunk and shouting and swearing at me

I fear he will die though the amount he drinks when has money or due to ill health and die via stomach bleeding or another stroke

so not sure if trying to give her some happy memories of him or why I do it but it’s an hour or so a week so ……..

also as middle of divorcing him and want to keep him sweet. Is that terrible that I’m playing him at his own game ?

obv If dd totally refused I wouldn’t make her - but she oh do we have do ? Can we go next week etc

this single parenting is hard let alone adding in an alcoholic ex/dad so dd is with me the whole time and I never get a break

but prefer that then her to be there alone if doesn’t want to be

sorry that was a right woffle

she didn’t see him for 6w or so

Hello just checking in Thankyou for the new thread. It's really been a lifeline for me .

Thanks for the new thread.

Does anyone who has left their addict ex still have bad dreams about them using? I’ve done a huge journey over December of worrying way less about Ex than I achieved in my previous attempts at separation and no contact, but I still have periods of nightly nightmares/ bad dreams.

Ex is also on ADs. Was bad at taking them regularly, and as I always told him, drinking 30 units daily of a depressant is not going to help them work. But yet insists that he cannot give up alcohol while his mental health is so bad because he ‘needs’ the numbing of alcohol. His mental health was so much better when he managed 2.5 months sober, but I am done negotiating with him now about ‘what comes first, the chicken or the egg’ re his mental health and sobriety. Tried for two years, drove myself insane. It’s his journey and not mine now

Thanks for the new thread. Finding it helpful.

Thanks for the new thread. The posts from those who are going through this awfulness with alcoholic sons as opposed to an alcoholic DH/DP are a tough read. You really have my sympathies - it must be way worse for you than those like me whose DP/DH is the problem. Walking away as a parent is the most un-natural thing to do but I completely get that under the circumstances you describe there may be no other option. I worry for my 2 sons. I think there is a genetic disposition on my DH's side of the family. One DS is in his first year of uni and fully embracing the stereotypical student drinking lifestyle. I don't want to piss on his chips by reminding him of the dangers of drink - at the end of the day I was a massive drinker at uni and beyond and have not ended up with even a smidgen of a problem.

I was interested to read the comments on Al-Anon. I went to a meeting probably about 12 years ago and got nothing from it. I was expecting to be asked (kindly) why I was there and given the opportunity to offload but it was not like that. They picked on one of the 12 steps and went round the room asking everyone what they were doing for that step. There were also more adult children of alcoholic parents than wives like me with 3 small kids. I got a lot more out of calling the Al-Anon helpline one evening when I was at my wit's end. The woman I spoke to was lovely.

My DH seems to have stopped after his Xmas "blip" but it's always a dangerous time when he's only been stopped for a week or so. Still no explanation for why he started drinking again after almost a year sober. Christmas triggers him every year. At least this year, with the exception of Xmas Eve, he wasn't out cold in the daytime or evenings. That's definitely a first!

Thanks for the new thread @pointythings

And a thanks to all who posted on the last one after I joined. It's good to know I'm part of a 'group that truly gets it'. But as they say, this is a club no one wants to belong to!

@Penguinsandspaniels

also as middle of divorcing him and want to keep him sweet. Is that terrible that I’m playing him at his own game ?

Not terrible at all!! I'm doing the same with DH. I've filed legal separation (LS) and he's refused to respond thinking if he doesn't it won't happen. At this point he doesn't even remember getting the papers, or at least he's not saying anything. I'm keeping him sweet with promises of reconciliation if he stops drinking (he won't) until I get a judgment by default, which probably won't be for months yet.

I've done what I legally can to separate finances but we're still financially entwined with things that couldn't be separated until the LS goes through so I don't see any reason to antagonize him unnecessarily. And even if 'the miracle' should happen (it won't) I will NEVER have joint finances with him again.

I look at it this way; they have lied to us, they have made promises they didn't intend to keep so turnabout's fair play. I know two wrongs supposedly don't make a right, but there are exceptions to every rule and trying to disentangle from an addict is one big exception.

Thank you for the new thread @pointythings. When I was going through my divorce, I didn't even attempt to keep my DH sweet as I knew every legal letter he received was going to antagonise him. My focus was completely on getting as much as I could out of the process. I knew he would spend his share on drink and I had bills to pay and kids who were completely dependant on me. I wasn't seeking vengeance though. I knew that the man he used to be would be on my side and want the best for his kids.

Sadly @wouldratgerbeunknown alcoholics do often abandon rehab or discharge themselves from hospital and appear unexpectedly at the door. It is possible that he might not stay away for 28 days. But he is away now so make the most of it!

Mine really really didn't want the divorce. He tried to not cooperate by not completing and returning the paperwork - unfortunately for him, he had sent me an email saying he had received and read the petition, that he didn't agree with it and was going to refuse to sign it. I then pointed out that I could take his email to court, pay a fee and get a 'deemed service' process in place (you can do this in the UK, it means the court accepts that the respondent has seen and read the petition even though they aren't collaborating). I didn't point out that he had shot himself in the foot though.

When you're getting out, you do whatever it takes and whatever you can live with. Nothing else matters, especially when there are children involved. You get over the guilt, you really do.

Tonight and tomorrow to go then I'm hoping for the absolute best.
There's a change in behaviour lots of slapping himself and forced twitching which only severely irritates me.
This has turned me into an uncaring monster
He was tripping up to bed clutching a bottle of red wine . When I took it off him I was honestly thinking about the carpet getting stained not about him drinking it!!
Beginning to hate myself

@wouldratgerbeunknown

Don't hate yourself. At this time you need to love yourself as much as you can. And give yourself the grace to experience the emotions about him that you will experience without turning those emotions on yourself. I go from deep love to resentment to pity to anger then back to deep love. It's a cycle of emotions that will play itself out in its own time, I know.

I think we do the self-hate thing because it's easier to turn the hate 'inward' than into admitting we're beginning to hate the person who is or was once the nearest and dearest to our hearts.

Don't hate yourself. You are starting to make essential changes. You are starting to put yourself first. You are starting to see through his attention seeking histrionics. This is progress. This is not something to feel bad about. Every time you start feeling you hate yourself, challenge those feelings - and ask yourself questions from a sane, rational perspective, not from the perspective of 'what does my addict want?'.

He’s agreed to a clean break. House was mine. Only saving grace. I paid for all stuff - didn’t have a joint account so it should be simple …….

obv iim paying for the divorce. Another big bug bare as he could have got it free as on uc and earns nothing

if I can make things easier while it’s going through I will

hehas no job. Lives off benefits and councik flat with rent paid for by uc so he has nothing

anything dd needs or wants comes down to me and im hoping he will see sense and anything he tried to take (if he does) is taking off stuff I can get for dd

be doesn’t want the divorce. Had told me he still loves me. But he has signed it and the 20w wait is next month

why the hell you have to wait 5mth to be asked again is beyond me ffs

@pointythings and @AcrossthePond55 say wise things @wouldratgerbeunknown

It's crazy, isn't it? I divorced under the old system so I had to go the 'fault' route (which was what got his back up, even though everything I listed was 1) 100% true and 2) if anything toned down.

I like the Dutch system where if you agree on the divorce, you can share a solicitor and get it all done and dusted in 6 weeks. And you can also choose to get married without automatically conferring ownership rights to your assets to your spouse.

Dutch sounds good !!

Signing in.

In the long run I will have done better financially as a result of my husband dying rather than divorce. He screwed me over in our separation, but it was all legal, so I am working hard to accept the big picture.

I had a non molestation order and occupation order in place so everything had to go through lawyers so the bills were horrendous . He had always promised he would never hurt me, but he was so overwhelmed by the fact drinking I did not believe it, and I am pretty sure he was having psychotic episodes .
it still gives me a rush of anxiety to think about those months and feel so so sad that that was where we ended up.

I’ve not seen my partner since Wednesday and yesterday he missed several commitments including driving me to a concert I was playing at. I’ve learned to simply stay away from him when he’s on one of his benders, and he’s going to have to come to me and listen to what I have to say and take some action in the right direction. I’ve been awake for hours reading about naltrexone and antabuse, they work wonders for some people so I’m going to suggest one of those, as he regularly does a month or two sober. Does anyone have any experience of this?

I’m in awe of you @Fibblet that you are still trying to help partner and not walk away. I take it you haven’t had enough yet

sorry he let you down via work

Checking in. Very sad for the couple of posters dealing with addicted adult children. Just horrific situations. I mentioned briefly that a family member is going through similar. Thankfully nowhere near as bad, even with police, threats and massive debts.

There was some mention of anti-depressants on the previous thread. My mother was on four or five different psychiatric drugs. A few were for bipolar disorder – despite a psychiatrist saying quite recently that there was absolutely no evidence of her having it. She was diagnosed about 20 years ago, and it seems like her alcoholic behaviour was used as the justification. What a mess. I often wonder why, in the national conversation about mental health, there is so little mention of the effects of heavy drinking.

Sometimes I feel sad that no one talks about her any more. It's like she never existed. People grieve differently, I know, and some (like my dad) are glad to feel it's all behind them. It's not so much that I want people to talk about her. It's more that I am sad that this is the result of her choices – not being thought of or remembered fondly.

Hi @Fibblet. My ex went onto Naltroxene after a two weeks rehab stint. Unfortunately relapsed two months later. Stayed on it about 6 months. He also tried acamprosate after an NHS detox and relapsed really quickly after that. No idea if he is still taking it. Probably not.

They do have high success rates I think for a lot of people. My Ex certainly didn’t have long periods sober like your partner so your partner seems much more likely for them to work than mine if you see what I mean. I remember reading your post about how many days sober yours had in 2025 which was amazing. Mine is the physical dependent on alcohol throughour the day kind of addict. Withdrawal starts first thing, drinks solidly throughout the day every day. Maybe had 90 days sober in 2025 and only after medically managed withdrawals/ rehab each time. Ex relapses the second he has to deal with stress or anxiety, and unfortunately his life is pretty shit thanks to three years of addiction so there are many triggers to use as a ‘reason’ for drinking.

@amlie8 I think I know what you mean. The public grieving is very conflicted, on one hand it seems dissembling to do the ’fond’ memories and anniversaries (no Facebook posts marking birthdays etc) and equally I don’t think anyone wants to hear me going on about the anniversary of when he threw a large object down the stairs in front of me and his best friend when in a rage….or the last time I saw him alive.

For those asking about antidepressants etc they are but a sticking plaster, and if someone has no self control may lead to other issues if they do not take them as prescribed.

Ex was on acamprosate for months. I think he was sober for maybe 2/3mths in the beginning but sure by xmas he had a drink or two but obv can’t prove it now

I’m not sure it helps tbh
as always , the only get sober if they want to stop drinking and I don’t think dh does as why else would be buy vodka as soon as he gets his uc