Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

Best of luck to you and your DH. We all want him to be one of the success stories so sending strength your way xx

@LemaxObsessive welcome to this corner of Mumsnet. I'm so very sorry to hear about your nephew. It does sound as if there is a serious predisposition to addiction in your family. I'm sure you know that your nephew won't stop drinking until he wants to change; that means you are powerless to help him. Please do read up on the 3Cs: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it. There's also a fourth C: Don't cover it up. Addiction thrives on secrecy, but if you speak openly about your situation to the people around you, you're more likely than not to find support.

All you and your mum can do is look after yourselves, stay strong and well and if he does reach out seeking change, be there to support him (but without enabling his addiction). So you can for example take him to a GP appointment if he cannot do this, but afterwards you are not responsible for anything that happens afterwards (i.e. him aking medication).

When you have an addict in your life, you really need to think about where your boundaries lie and stick to them. It's hard. The people on this thread will help you.

No kicking your own arse!! Just because you knew what was coming today, his behaviour was still better yesterday which gave you a glimpse into the previous man and what could have been which is always sad.

I still feel stunned sometimes that despite everything Ex put me through, and how very long on I clung on trying to support him at great personal cost, I still had to walk away in the end because he was no nearer to giving up alcohol. I guess it’s like a sunk costs fallacy - how can I go through all that and our relationship was still destroyed by addiction. What a waste. I know many don’t achieve recovery, but I still find it shocking that he was one of those. He had so much. Why didn’t he fight more.

I’m having a bit of a blue Monday - grey, overworked, still missing the extra sleep I had over Christmas!!

I have posted on thread 2! Very confused.

Attended a SMART zoom meeting (a PP recommended) tonight after a testing day. Was just what I needed. Very helpful and supportive.

@wouldratgerbeunknown I really hope it all goes brilliantly. Much love to you. @Isthisit2025 that's great news. Glad you find the meeting so helpful.

@wouldratgerbeunknown nothing wrong with being positive - we all were. Till we weren’t and knew it was pointless

I hope your dh will be one of the lucky ones like my friends husband and conquer and want to be sober

oh @AcrossthePond55. He refused help? That says it all doesn’t it 😢 and drinking and driving

@LemaxObsessive. Welcome to the thread who no one wants to be on but thankful we have it thanks to @pointythings

thats a lot of people drinking and yes not a lot of hope for him unless he wants tbh

Why don’t any of them fight

why don’t they find Rock bottom when they lose their

home
family
wife
seeing dd every day
job
car/van as no money
health - no pancreas due to severe alcohol abuse

yet still drink

Thank you 💖💖

I keep saying it wasn’t all bad. Not till maybe 4/5yrs ago

but sad that it got this far and with most of us

I genuinely can’t understand it
mine has lost
first wife
family home
second ‘wife’
business
rental home
health
fitness
most family members
hasnt seen his children in over 6 months (was drinking during contact after negative breathalyser at beginning of contact time so mother exercised parental responsibility and removed contact - he could pursue it legally but hasn’t/ won’t because they’ll likely ask for testing that he can’t do)

Still drinking and “can’t stop” until:
his mental health is better
he is on the right meds
he isn’t single and lonely anymore
he is seeing his children again
he has the right counsellor/ support worker
he finds a recovery approach that’s right for him not 12 steps
etc

obviously missing that he was drinking when he ruined his marriages, saw his kids etx

@Isthisit2025 this is the current thread!

Nogoodusername

Of course we can't understand it - unless you are an addict it's impossible. You may as well try to imagine a different colour.

There is no rationality in it. No logic. No way to "get through" to them. It's a battle that only they can fight - and the majority will lose.

Do yourself a favour and stop trying to rationalise the irrational. You'll go mad.

I think I'm 'looking forward' to the same feeling once our legal separation is finalized. Part of what I do for him is to 'keep him sweet'. The other part is the love I still feel for him and probably always will. But once the legalities are finished and I'm 'safe' to let him go to rise or fall on his own, I'm expecting to have a big emotional crash.

In fact, I am planning to 'do something' once it's all over. Don't know what..anything from buy a new car (unlikely) to getting a room overlooking the sea for a few nights and just crying until I'm sick (very likely). Then I'll dust myself off and move forward.

@Penguinsandspaniels

I've asked myself the very same question. He's lost his sons, his wife, and his health. Now he's lost his driving license as well. But the pull of alcohol is stronger than all of those things put together. If you ask him he'll swear until the cows come home that nothing is as important to him as his family. Words are cheap when they aren't followed by action.

And what's worse, he's lost his dog. He was 'our dog' technically, but in reality he was DH's dog 'in the heart'. That may sound silly but he and the dog were absolutely inseparable. The relationship between them was so sweet and loving it was a joy to see. I always said that if the 3 of us were in a canoe and it tipped it's just good that I'm a strong swimmer! But his constant drunkenness meant that he wasn't feeding him right and was neglecting to take him out regularly. DS2 brought the dog to me when he moved out saying that Dad wasn't capable of caring for him. I never planned to have a dog, but here I am. But he's a good companion and a great snuggler.

I guess not being able to understand might be a blessing. If we did, it would only add to the heartache.

@Nogoodusername thanks for the tag. Yes I’d love f2f SMART but the zoom wasnt bad at all.

@Penguinsandspaniels I’ve asked the same questions. I don’t understand any of it. My DS wants the drugs to kill him as a way out because he ‘can’t’ fight.

I am dying inside. A shell of myself. Exhausted from all the pretence. Exhausted from the everyday. It is his birthday on Sunday. I’m struggling whether to even acknowledge it or not. Feel like I’m ‘rewarding’ bad behaviour. Either way I know it will make him feel bad. This is keeping me awake rn (amongst other things)

It’s so hard as a husband and father to my child trying to do the right thing for me and her

but must be so much harder when it’s a child you love

Glad it was helpful. I like their approach

Really hope it goes well and you get some headspace. I have everything crossed for you both.

I hope my sons detox will happen soon but at this point despite asking repeatedly, there is no news.

My turn for a kick up the arse please @Penguinsandspaniels

First email from Ex in three weeks. It’s a nice one. He’s sorry, he has been clean for two weeks (this is almost impossible - he can’t do this without a detox or rehab), he hasn’t got much family/friend support, can’t we meet up as friends etc.

i know he isn’t sober and he isn’t sorry. If he is sober, he won’t be for many more weeks, and if we have any contact it will be my fault he relapses for some or other reason.

i feel bad continually ignoring his contact approach. It makes me feel like an unsympathetic cow. But I trod this path so many times and it always, always, always ends up the same way. I get drawn back in, he adds me to his list of excuses, I have to withdraw, this causes verbal abuse and resentment etc

@Nogoodusername have a very gentle boot from me, and imagine my foot clad in snuggly warm padded slippers for the purpose.

You know you don't want to let yourself get drawn in again, so don't. I don't know what your usual non-response is, but whatever it is, do that. Not responding or acknowledging is fine, because whatever you do he will just end up being abusive again.

Sigh. I am 3 of these!!!

The Four Types of Wives of Alcoholics
• The Enabler: Covers up drinking or provides alcohol to prevent conflict.
• The Controller: Tracks movements, tries to block access to alcohol.
• The Martyr: Sacrifices her needs, keeps up a brave face.
• The Escapist: Detaches, withdraws, or distracts to get through the day.

ETA not all at once and I'm doing much better at being NONE of them!

I found that clicking delete email worked best, preferably before opening the email.

Thanks @pointythings. In the early weeks, I was ignoring the abusive emails and responding to ones that showed thinking/ a positive attitude towards treatment or recovery. Which now I have written that makes me laugh as basically I treat my addict Ex with the same techniques you use on toddlers - positive reinforcement. But it didn’t work, after I would engage in a reply or two about treatment he would get angry because I wasn’t saying ‘yes you don’t need rehab’ or ‘yes it is impossible to recover in your circumstances’ or ‘yes I know alcohol is the symptom and not the illness’ and then it would kick off a couple of days of vile rants about how I am A smug, evil liar who took everything from him (what this is I don’t know as I certainly didn’t take any money and we don’t have kids together). Now I just ignore all of them. This is the second request to get back in touch I’ve ignored.

I keep reminding myself that I was setting myself on fire to try and keep him warm - but I didn’t keep him warm, the spiral continued and escalated in spite of all my love and support. But ruined me in the process.

@AcrossthePond55 I'm not sure there are 4 types. I think we've probably had a go at all those strategies when we were struggling to cope.

I really need to do that. Once I’ve read it, he is back in my head for a solid 3 days. The best thing about life free from my Ex is how he doesn’t occupy every moment of my headspace any more. Grrr