I'm Frightened it's too late

[Dove222]

Posting here for advice and accountability.

My drinking has increased a lot lately due to various reasons. I've been drinking around 2 bottles of wine most nights.

Attempted dry Jan and managed for 2 weeks then went back to it.

This weekend I had it in my head to start again today. I drank a lot, justifying that I was going to stop so may as well go for it 🥺

Last night I woke up with this awful burning sensation in my chest. I was violently sick and felt awful. It started to terrify me that I have caused permanent damage to my body.

I have put on 3 stone and have no longer been looking after myself. My grown children hate me drinking and don't want to be around me when I've been drinking.

Im terrified I will lose them. I'm terrified I've damaged myself. Im terrified I will look like this fat old hag forever.

Im 55, have I left this too late? Can I turn this around?

Day 1 today but I need to carry this on

@Dove222 when I did dry January I had strange dreams about alcohol. It was actually very odd. When I read the unexpected joy of being sober it talks about neuro transmitters in the human brain and how alcohol can alter them etc so I wondered if that was linked.

Well done in getting though day 6. Take each day at a time even each hour or each minute if need be and be proud of yourself for what you have achieved so far.

@MurdoMunro I think there must be a connection somewhere.
One of my dreams was about a school mum from my children's primary school (haven't seen her for years).
Well she had just opened a huge pub, but it was in my garden 😂
I was thinking how the hell am I going to stop drinking with this pub at the end of my path!

The other one, I was flying home from a special country where I used to live. I was late for the plan though so had to pack my suitcase on the plane. Was drinking champagne and thinking at least I don't have to wait for my case at the carousel. 😂

Sorry to bore you with my dreams, we have a saying in our house where "we do NOT discuss our dreams."

I do think it's connected though, not sure about the second one, any dream experts on here??

@Dove222

It’s not boring at all. It’s fascinating how the mind and body works.

You surely must feel so proud of yourself. Have you looked in the mirror and noticed yourself already looking healthier. Maybe you haven’t noticed, but I’m certain it will already be visible.

Keep going OP! You can really do this! One week behind you already.

Congratulations 🎉🥳👏♥️

@Dove222 huge well done from me!

I could've written your post Word for Word same age same drink amount same adult children with the same views ...

I've done AA twice. The first time helped hugely but I became complacent until I could drink like a normal person. Five years later. Another tragic life event sent me back to AA because I realised I was drinking far too much and it didn't work - the urge to drink was just too great. I even used to buy wine on the way back from the meeting.

I'm disgusted with myself. I hate this addiction. I hold down a really responsible job. I'm fully functioning in every way but get to 6 pm and all I want to do is drink.

I'm gonna use you as an inspiration to me, I hope you don't mind. I'm not going to jump on your thread but I'm going to follow it closely and I hope this time next week I've got a week sober behind me.

I'm going to go and join the gym today because that has helped me in the past I haven't wanted to work so hard in the gym and then waste calories on alcohol !

Keep going, you're doing amazingly well. I know how hard it is. Xxxx

@Nugg thank you! Please jump on board the thread. The more the merrier, I don't have many friends in real life so would be nice to exchange our journey.

I have bought wine after a meeting!

@Staggeredatthisadmission havent noticed any improvements in my face, will need some Botox for that I think 😂

However, I have lost 6lbs! I've been very conscious of not replacing the wine with chocolate.

I managed to sleep last night really well. But I slept in far too long. Set my alarm but just switched it off. Think I had 11 hours, which isn't great because now I'm worried about sleeping tonight! Think I will try and do some exercise today to see if that helps.

Thanks for all your encouragement and positive thoughts ❤️

Go OP!! You are doing bloody brilliantly!

I think many people suffer with disregulated sleep at this time of the year. I believe the standard advice is to try and spend 30 minutes outside during daylight (what little of it there is) hours.

6lbs @Dove222 - blimey O’Reilly!

Also, I’m waving at @Nugg ! I hope your day is going well

@MurdoMunro thank you so much and to you @Dove222

My willpower is awful, and I'm also a bit frightened that I've been told I shouldn't stop completely dead. I should cut down which I know I can do because I don't have any shops near me. This felt like an awful situation when I moved here a couple of months ago, but actually it's gonna be very beneficial, especially when it's cold and dark!!

Danger time for me just finished work after a very long hard day (upstairs on my office I'm not going down a coal face or anything!!) and I just want to kick off my shoes and have a beer. Or a wine.

I imagine that’s a very common danger zone @Nugg and as its a battle I’ve never had to fight I can’t offer any advice but I can be here and say ‘I get that’.

Also with the tapering thing, again I can’t offer advice about how to handle that and whether a hard stop is a good idea for you or not. But there are people up thread who have talked about it.

There’s community on Reddit called ‘get disciplined’, their philosophy is that the idea of will-power is flawed. Might be worth a look at, it’s not alcohol or addiction specific but there might be some ideas to help shift your perspective and dodge the after work heffalump trap.

Hey @Dove222 That’s amazing that you’ve managed to lose 6LB. Wow well done you! I’m sure you won’t need Botox. We are the harshest judges of ourselves. Hell anyway why not have a few shots of Botox if you want it. Anythjng to help the cause of you feeling better.

I know absolutely nothing of your struggle as I very rarely drink, maybe a couple of glasses a year. I do know about addiction though sadly…DH gambling! Almost lost our house last year. Not as a direct result, but if he hadn’t done it for the last 25 years we wouldn’t be in the financial situation we’re in now🥲xx

@Nugg

Welcome to the thread Nugg. You can do this too! You know you can. Forget the past, for today is the first day of the rest of your life. Like I say above, I’ve no experience of alcohol. I’m just here for moral support xx

Oh @Staggeredatthisadmission gambling addiction is horrendous, I’m so sorry.

@Staggeredatthisadmission
Im really sorry to hear that about your DH, must be very very stressful.
I can kind of relate because my DH has made some very very stupid business decisions. We definitely should be in a better financial position than we are.

@Nugg
How did you get on today? If you need to taper then please follow the advice. I didn't because I know I just can't, lots of shops near me and uber eats. The money I've wasted on that bloody app!

@MurdoMunro thank you! Probably just water weight but very happy it's going down.

I managed to get outside today, very cold and rainy but forced myself out and did a lot of walking. Hopefully tired myself out, will try not turn the alarm off tomorrow 😂🙏

Love to all and thank you, thank you, thank you xx

@Staggeredatthisadmission my ex had this and it was so so frightening. I've never experienced obsession like it. I certainly don't have that level of addiction.

@Dove222 thank you for thinking of me sweetheart you have done so well I'm envious of your weight loss and that is something I hope to achieve. I have had two 150 mil glasses of wine top up with ice and soda and I'm really happy with that. I feel really chilled and calm and I'm going to taper as much as I can. I've read up a lot on it this evening and I hope within a couple of weeks I'm down to 0. I've got a case of alcohol free wine that I actually bought at Christmas And I love it but when I stopped drinking in the past that was one of the worst things that I could do, so I'm trying to avoid that for now.

Thank you all so much for your support. I used to feel like a failure if I still had a drink, but now I just think it's a success because I haven't drunk even one bottle never mind two!

How much do you spend on wine in a month?

I needed to replace my wine habit with something else, because the same situations led to the same behaviours.

So I bought a membership at the health club of a local hotel. It’s open until 10, so I tend to go around 8pm. I come home feeling refreshed, clean, and relaxed.

It costs about £50 a month- the same as around 1 bottle of wine a week for me.

It certainly is, but I am so lucky in that we didn’t lose our home. I read some threads on here and think I am lucky in many ways.

He’s most likely gone through 200K all told in the 25 plus years. We were mortgage free but now will work til we die.

On the bright side it’s been a great education for DS and DD late teens early 20’s. Both are very money savvy. Work hard, detest gambling to the point they wouldn’t even buy a raffle ticket, rarely drink etc.

@Dove222 how are you feeling? I massively cut down my drinking before Christmas and treated myself to a glass facial when I saw it on a half price offer with what I saved. Alcohol is crazy expensive in Scotland as it's heavily taxed so i felt I needed a treat. The difference in my skin is amazing and very noticeable as I have had so many compliments. I highly recommend it (though it's a little uncomfortable) if you want a skin booster. Well done on loosing 6 pounds.

@Nugg well done on your white wine spritzers. This may not work for you but I really like a AF cider in a wine glass.

@Fundays12 morning! I’m pleased with what I managed I need realistic expectations so I don’t fail. I don’t drink on Tuesdays as I have a hobby I do and I’ll just come home. Have a cup of tea with the dog and go to bed🤣
I’m going to join the gym tomorrow and swim tomorrow evening and then I’ve got a date on Thursday when I might have a glass of wine. I don’t worry too much about drinking when I go out because I don’t really go out and if I do, I don’t drink much. I usually drive so I can allow myself that I’ve learned it at home. I need to stop.

Hope you’re feeling good @Dove222

thanks for the support everyone!

That’s interesting what you said about your son and daughter avoiding all sorts of gambling @Staggeredatthisadmission. As a result of a childhood so affected by alcohol I barely touch the drink, even when I have one I don’t often finish the glass. I feel that’s a positive outcome.

But on the other hand - a drunk driver wrote off my car the other year and I have never felt such raw, visceral rage as I did towards him. Honestly, I could’ve really hurt him, battered him with something or pushed him off a bridge. It was really quite scary what came out of me.

@Staggeredatthisadmission how awful for you. You sound very strong to get through that, it's great that your marriage has survived.

@Nugg well done, I wish I could be as disciplined.

@Fundays12 I feel ok thank you. I am going to treat myself to something, have a mountain of debt to pay off though.

@MurdoMunro I have never driven when I've had a drink. I think that's another reason for me wanting to stop. I had had a large glass of wine and wanted more. Although, I could have popped to the local shop, the wine I like is only stocked in one a 15 min walk away.
It was really pouring and I did, for a split second, think about driving.
I didn't, but found myself marching down there in the pouring rain just for wine!
Crazy 😬.

Good news is I woke up with my alarm today, not early but earlier than I have been getting up.
Hopefully I can try and get my sleeping pattern back to normal.

@NormasArse
I have a gym membership, I signed up last year and haven't been once 🙈

I saw someone there that I knew ( it is the furthest gym from my house). I just couldn't face having to bump into them.

I get a discount through my health insurance, I have had a lot of health problems though but I'm going to bite the bullet and start going.

Feel so much better after all the walking I did yesterday so I know it will help. Just have to do it once!

Thank you all again, here's to another day ❤️

Keep going mate! You are stronger than you know xx

Oh I hope no-one took my story about the drunk driver as me finger pointing at you. Although it’s good to hear that even in the weeds of addiction you can speak truth to yourself and know you must not drive or even not take a drink because you want/need to drive.

I think the last bit there is really important and maybe something to reflect on if you are feeling hopeless and starting to entertain the idea of throwing the towel in. - You are not yet completely lost to alcohol, if you can scale back when it really matters then you haven’t lost all your control over it.

My story about rage with the drunk driver was for @Staggeredatthisadmission really. The impacts of being the child of an addict are complicated. We may be able to avoid alcohol or gambling because we suffered the impacts but damaging things can pop out in other ways.

Honestly, it was a proper ‘seeing red’ moment, I was absolutely not in control of my mind. I scared myself. If there had been a plank or a metal pipe or if we’d been standing on a bridge I honestly believe in that moment I could’ve done something terrible. I have never in my life felt like that before or since. He was standing there drunk and saying the same words I have heard so many times, I’d had a bad fright and for a moment I wanted to kill him.

@MurdoMunro Oh no I didn't think that was directed at me and I totally get how you felt.

My cousin was killed by a drunk driver many years ago, so that has always been my massive No. I won't even have 1 drink and drive (not that I can have one drink!)

I was just making a point that it was the first time I actually considered it, It really shocked me that I had thought about doing it ❤️

Gotcha 😘

Well it’s a very late quick one from me. Just got to bed and have to be up at 6.20 am.

A huge well done to all who are cutting down/stopping. I think you are all amazing 🤩

Sending love and positive thoughts xx