I'm Frightened it's too late

[Dove222]

Posting here for advice and accountability.

My drinking has increased a lot lately due to various reasons. I've been drinking around 2 bottles of wine most nights.

Attempted dry Jan and managed for 2 weeks then went back to it.

This weekend I had it in my head to start again today. I drank a lot, justifying that I was going to stop so may as well go for it 🥺

Last night I woke up with this awful burning sensation in my chest. I was violently sick and felt awful. It started to terrify me that I have caused permanent damage to my body.

I have put on 3 stone and have no longer been looking after myself. My grown children hate me drinking and don't want to be around me when I've been drinking.

Im terrified I will lose them. I'm terrified I've damaged myself. Im terrified I will look like this fat old hag forever.

Im 55, have I left this too late? Can I turn this around?

Day 1 today but I need to carry this on

Please stop, a relative of mine has cirrhosis caused by years of drinking, they have been on hospital several times to drain the fluid which accumulates, can only work part time, cause their family a huge amount of worry, the only good thing is that they have stopped drinking, but it may be too late.

Well done OP! Keep it up, the sleep will get better.

Be very careful with "the damage is done" thinking. It can turn into another excuse to go back to drinking.

My mum was like you but she drank A LOT more. I couldn't be around her. She had a great job, earning triple figure salary and her own house but lost it all - as well as me and my sister - she eventually lost her life to it. She was 57

Please try anything and everything to get out of this

@Dove222

There’s a thread on here about the worst thing that ever happened to you. I think it might help you to look at it. It really gave me a massive kick up the backside. Some people have been through the most appalling things. It kind of made me think ‘what the hell am I moaning about?’ I really believe you can do this! Keep going xx

@Dove222 Every day you win by not drinking, is another hard won notch on your tally of not drinking days - aiming for that big 100 in the first instance! Too precious to want to have to start over again from zero. You're so close to your first seven days - a week! What would you like to do to reward yourself for that? Keep it going baby puppy - you got this!

It doesn't cost as much as that. Initial consultation, discussion with psychologist and first prescription is around £250.
Monthly prescription I think has gone up to £120 maybe.

The method is because you're not taking it as it us normally prescribed. You take it 1 to 1.5 hours before drinking as it works on blocking you're pleasure receptor to alcohol.

Over time you will reach pharmacological extinction. Your brain has been changed by your addiction and this will alter you back to as if you've never had alcohol. Going cold turkey and white knuckling it through isn't actually changing what is going on in your head.

Have a look at people's stories. 75 to 80 % have success to become sober ...AA success I think is 5%.

There's a video on either prime or YouTube called 'one little pill'... it explains it all . Book by Dr Roy Eskapa..the cure for alcoholism is very good too.

My personal testament...an alcoholic partner from a family of alcoholics did the method and has stopped drinking. 4 months and he doesn't even think about it. His journey took about 7 months, for some it's longer but the process works.

Really tough day today. Was feeling so low, I thought about buying some wine.

I was thinking about this thread and realised I didn't want to leave it (from shame) or say that I have drunk and feel embarrassed.

You are really really helping! Thank you!

You are doing SO well! So proud of you 💐 getting through the tough days without drinking is the hardest thing but you can do it - maybe write down a plan for those moments when you feel yourself wavering - what are the best distractions? Splash cold water on your face, go for a brisk walk, do a mindfulness meditation (calm app is great) cook yourself something like a spicy stirfry or curry, call a close friend for a chat. It doesn't matter what the distraction is, it just helps to have a plan for those difficult times when you're feeling down. You got through today. Take it one day at a time.

Never too late. I know what you mean about really bingeing one night because you've told yourself you'll give up the next night. It can be dangerous to go cold turkey if you've been drinking a lot for some time. Also they'll be a period of feeling crap while your body adjusts. I'm sure you've thought about GP, AA, rehab and related services out there.... hypnotherapy. Good luck. You're certainly not alone.

Well done @Dove222 - you can do this!

You should be bloody proud of yourself.

My DM quit in her early 60s and has been sober for nearly a decade. She’s like a different person - healthy, happy, fit, and present. You can do this, I promise. You’re not giving something up, you’re setting yourself free.

(she would want me to pass on her top tip for anyone quitting - lots of chocolate, sweets and fruit juice drinks in the evenings helped in the early weeks as she was craving the sugar she’d been getting from drinking)

As long as you're still alive it's not too late. I've had multiple people in my life drink themselves to ignoble, ugly, pointless and unnecessary deaths.

I also know people who were deep in the depths of alcoholism and decided that enough was enough and chose to stop. Their lives are so much fuller, warmer and joyful now than when they were drinking. You can do this. Every day you don't drink is a victory.

I just wanted to add, that if you do slip up, please don’t delete the thread out of embarrassment. It’s not a fail if you do slip up, you’re human and it’s bloody hard I’m sure. I think you have already proved you can do this.

How much per week were you spending on wine? Go out and spend the exact amount on something lovely for yourself. Look at it every day and remember you chose that over a headache and feeling terrible.

Youre doing so well OP. Keep going xx

How you doing today mate??

Hey @H0NEYPOT

Not too good today 😢

Ive not had a drink and don't intend too. But I've been feeling very very low.
Lots of reasons but the main one is that I'm really upset about a good friend who has let me down badly.
However, you calling me mate has really cheered me up, so thank you! X

Is there anything you do to reset your brain when it gets locked into brooding on things (like thinking about your friend)?

I like a silent mental-disco (please excuse the language, I choose it deliberately to talk to myself because its rude and childish, it helps to have a west of Scotland accent) - headphones on, lot of volume, dance like I’m fighting an invisible gorilla, Chumbawumba Tubthumping, TS Shake it Off, ABBA Waterloo, that sort of thing

Its feels a bit like rebooting Windows after a screen freeze.

@Dove222 sorry to read this. It's horrible when someone you trusted let you down. If you need to vent please go ahead. It's ok to feel upset, angry, sad or anything else.

😊 Sorry it was a shit day. People can be so disappointing sometimes. But you made it through, well done

@Dove222 I'm sorry you had a shit day, that really, really sucks, when people let you down. But seriously, well done you. In spite of being let down, in spite of feeling so down, you didn't have a drink. That's bloody awesome. I hope you can think of a pick me up, or find something to do with an alternative person in your life who won't let you down. Because you rock!

Just found this thread well done on what you achieved so far sorry about your friend it hurts so much when your let down by those close, today is another day and tell yourself it's going to be a good one have you any hobbies or interests that you could concentrate on, I put on 5 stone drinking and looked a mess couldn't even look at myself, I woke up one morning and thought that's it i need to sort myself out only i could I've lost that 5 stone started swimming and gym it hasn't been easy but gets easier one day at a time please do pm if you need to talk you got this

Well done that's amazing. Genuine question here how did you manage that sugar cravings? I cut down my drinking massively and am aiming for about 300 days sober this year but finding the sugar cravings horrendous. I love the gym and found that helped sugar cravings but have not fully recovered from a horrible chest virus I had so can't really manage it just now. I don't know how to manage the sugar cravings well at all.

Well done you that's brilliant fruit and yogurt are my go to if i have cravings or a light hot chocolate i stay away from chocolate as much as possible as can't stop once i start I've got a really addictive personality, hope you get better soon after chest infection x

@Dove222 It’s crap when people let you down, but try to remember that you feel even more let down because of your situation. Blame drinking for exacerbating how being let down has left you feeling.

You are doing so, so well OP. Do you think you might be a little depressed? Maybe have a chat to your Gp. He/she might recommend a trial of antidepressants to lift your mood.

Massive congratulations so far xx

@Staggeredatthisadmission
Thank you, yes I am depressed, already on ads which I'm wanting to cut down, but not at the moment.
I do have support from my therapist, I had a hospital admission a few years back for my mental health.
Funny enough I hadn't drunk for quite some time prior to that.

Today was much better, I slept well last night but had some really strange dreams. Was dreaming about alcohol in all of them!

Anyway, went to my mums for dinner and homemade apple pie. Was lovely, normally when I visit my mum I stop off and get some wine.
Didnt feel the urge today, another win!

Im not getting complacent though and I'm definitely going to try a AA meeting this week.

Tomorrow will be 7 days!

Pleased to get your update @Dove222. I’m wondering about the strange dreams. Do you think that could be something to do with alcohol leaving your system, physically I mean. Brain chemistry adjusting. I wonder if other people go through a strange dream phase around the 1 week mark? I’m probably havering.

ANYBLOODYWAY - 7 days, 1 week. That’s something isn’t it??!!