I'm Frightened it's too late

[Dove222]

Posting here for advice and accountability.

My drinking has increased a lot lately due to various reasons. I've been drinking around 2 bottles of wine most nights.

Attempted dry Jan and managed for 2 weeks then went back to it.

This weekend I had it in my head to start again today. I drank a lot, justifying that I was going to stop so may as well go for it 🥺

Last night I woke up with this awful burning sensation in my chest. I was violently sick and felt awful. It started to terrify me that I have caused permanent damage to my body.

I have put on 3 stone and have no longer been looking after myself. My grown children hate me drinking and don't want to be around me when I've been drinking.

Im terrified I will lose them. I'm terrified I've damaged myself. Im terrified I will look like this fat old hag forever.

Im 55, have I left this too late? Can I turn this around?

Day 1 today but I need to carry this on

Sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk about it?

I've gone from 1 bottle to 2 bottles a night. I want to stop. I've had a few beers tonight because I'm frightened of going cold turkey. I just feel so awful.

Sorry to hear that. Can you cut back to start with?

That's what I'm trying to do with the beers. I can't just have one glass of wine, I have to finish the bottle.
Its really got out of control, it's like I'm self harming, I know it's bad for me but I just can't see a good future so I think sod it.

Thank you so much for checking in, going to start trying again from today.

@Dove222 get rid of all the wine in the house. Lots of luck. Is there anything that could make other challenges a bit easier? I know how easy it is to hide in the wine.

Hey @Dove222 I’m sorry to hear that you're stuck. On the early days of the thread there were people who have been through this saying that moderation isn’t possible for many alcoholics. I know there were a few who said that they could do it and you felt this was the way you wanted to go to.

But I wonder if it’s time for you to really grasp what you are up against here and give that some more thought. We have talked many times about my mum who still thinks she can do moderation and has never faced the truth that she can’t. I suppose the idea of no alcohol at all is too terrifying to think about but when you’re this much under its control its the abyss you might have to look in to.

@MurdoMunro thank you and yes you are right. I cannot moderate, it has to stop completely.

I have been having a few beers just because I'm scared of going cold turkey. I do think it's really got a hold on me and I'm scared.

You need help. You need someone who knows if you can actually go ‘cold turkey’, you may well need to taper with some sort of supervision or support to make sure you’re physically OK with that. You will also need people to help you on the next stage after that.

I think you said that you didn’t want to tell your GP, have I remembered that correctly? You need to start with the GP and get some advice about a service or group you can do the work with.

I get it, it’s really hard and really scary, but where you are now is no better so it’s time to choose. You’ve got the path that circles around the dark woods or the path that will eventually take you out eh?

Very well said. If you want to beat this you need put aside your fears and ask for professional help.

Please do it before it’s too late. Take that first step today. We’re all willing you on.

@Dove222 how's it going? Hope you're feeling better x

I was going to start a new thread under a different name because I felt so ashamed.

But, I then thought I would come back to this as there are so many lovely people on here.

The last year has been awful. Lots of stress and I lost my dear dad in January.

Obviously me being me used this as an excuse to drink. Wasn't even ashamed to drink in front of my children. I'm grieving right?

And today I thought I've had enough, my dad wouldn't want me slowly killing myself.

I don't know if I can ever get this under control but I'm going to start with the next 30 days. I will find that easier than "forever".

Wish me luck 🤞🏼🙏❤️

Lovely to hear from you; I was wondering how you’re getting on.

You CAN do this. You must. Please don’t be embarrassed to ask your GP for help though because it’s not something you can do alone.

Please let us know how you get on.

@Dove222i came on here to share how happy I am that I am 1 month sober today. But I came across your post and wanted to comment because I recognise so much of me in your post.

I actually can’t believe I’m writing the words 1 month sober. I haven’t managed this long since I was pregnant and my youngest child is now 8. My drinking spiralled out of control and I couldn’t imagine an evening (or sometimes an afternoon) without a glass of wine, but of course a glass of wine usually meant a bottle of wine.

But the most surprising thing to me is how easy it has been once I got over the first few days. Someone once told me Day 1 is the hardest and if you keep having Day 1’s it will feel like an impossible task. But get yourself to Day 2 or Day 4 or even Day 7 and don’t go back to Day 1 and it becomes so much easier. This has been so true
for me.

I hardly recognise myself. I have spent the time I would have spent drinking getting my finances in order. Sorting out my budget, savings, pensions. Listening to podcasts and doing free online courses to learn how to invest, starting off with the at least £200 per month I was throwing away on wine.

I have started daily habits of drinking more water, taking supplements, taking my makeup off every night (yes, this was something I never did when I passed out in bed most nights). I am also doing at least 1 gym class a week and am working on building up old friendships I let slide when I’d rather sit on my own drinking a glass of wine on a Friday night instead of meeting a friend for a walk or a coffee. All these little things are giving me so much pleasure and satisfaction these days. I look and feel 100 times better than I did this time last month. And I finally made an appointment with my GP and started HRT, yay!

I never thought I would be writing this post. And if I can do it, you certainly can. Believe me when I tell you that if you can get through the first few days it becomes so much easier. So find something to distract you for the next few days, get a few early nights, and just look after yourself. Don’t beat yourself up, this is not your fault, be kind to yourself. You will grow to love the person you are about to become.

Thank you for this and well done! You have truly given me some inspiration.

@Dove222checking in with you and hoping you’re doing ok. Weekends can be hard but I hope you’re also getting some nice weather where you are and that you’ve got something to distract you. I’m continuing my mammoth declutter and generally getting the house into order, something I could easily kept on top of in little chunks but instead I chose to spend my evenings drinking wine and falling asleep on the sofa instead of doing something productive.

No point in beating myself up about it, it’s great to start to see some progress now, I just need to keep going.