I'm Frightened it's too late

[Dove222]

Posting here for advice and accountability.

My drinking has increased a lot lately due to various reasons. I've been drinking around 2 bottles of wine most nights.

Attempted dry Jan and managed for 2 weeks then went back to it.

This weekend I had it in my head to start again today. I drank a lot, justifying that I was going to stop so may as well go for it 🥺

Last night I woke up with this awful burning sensation in my chest. I was violently sick and felt awful. It started to terrify me that I have caused permanent damage to my body.

I have put on 3 stone and have no longer been looking after myself. My grown children hate me drinking and don't want to be around me when I've been drinking.

Im terrified I will lose them. I'm terrified I've damaged myself. Im terrified I will look like this fat old hag forever.

Im 55, have I left this too late? Can I turn this around?

Day 1 today but I need to carry this on

So sorry you’re struggling OP. And sorry to hear about your DDad 💐. You have a lot on your plate.

i have similar with a tough relationship with my partner and him liking me drinking too and drinking to escape. It does make it hard. I’ve found it has helped to think that I’m treating myself to an evening of not drinking and feeling better the next day etc rather than thinking I’m treating myself to wine/drinking. I try and think “yay, I get to have a nice evening of not drinking and a proper sleep!” Rather than “oh no, I have to not drink tonight”.

Allen carr’s book stop drinking now (I think it’s called) also has some helpful strategies/mindsets. You can get it on audiobook if that’s an easier way to take the info in.

I like good rays cbd drinks, they contain a lot of cbd and aren’t expensive if you buy in a big pack.

I also think it’s a journey - you lost weight and have quit or massively cut down for periods of time. That’s a massive achievement and shows you can do it.

Thank you.

I think I may download the Alan Carr audiobook. That's a great suggestion.

You are so right about looking as if not drinking is your treat.
I get so much done when I haven't drunk and feel so much better.

@Dove222 i’m so glad you’ve come back to this thread. I do wonder how you’re getting on periodically. I’m so sorry to hear about the abuse you’ve been suffering. I did wonder at the time, but you obviously didn’t want to talk about it. I think facing up to it is a huge step forward. Keep posting.

Thank you and nice to hear from you.

It has taken me a very long time and lots of therapy sessions to recognise it.

Years of hoping he will change and drinking to block things out.

Went to the shops yesterday and instead of buying wine I bought a nice steak to treat myself. A couple of Trip drinks and I was really happy. He rolled in at 9pm after spending most of the day at the pub. I felt so satisfied that I hadn't drunk and as he poured himself half a pint of red wine I felt pity for him.

I mean who drinks wine out of a pint glass? I was staying with a friend once and they didn't have any wine glasses, I just couldn't drink it out of a tumbler.

Anyway, today I'm going to see my mum and spend the weekend, absolutely no alcohol will be consumed. Enjoy the sunshine everyone ❤️

How are you doing today @Dove222? Hope you're OK. x

I know of someone who went into a hospice , after hospital , on the brink of dying
couldnt drink , slowly recovered , went home ,now doing well
its possible but you have to get professional help

Thanks for checking in.

It's been awful really, went to stay at my mums but she is very low. She has also always been a very negative person and looks for the worse in everyone and everything. I do love her but she can be incredibly draining.

At one point I did think maybe I could move in with her as a solution to my marriage problems but I know that would be impossible.

So I came home and I drank and drank.
I found out my H has been messaging another woman. I know my marriage is dead and she is welcome to him but I know her, so god knows what lies he has spun her about me!

The messages were also so caring and it made me feel totally worthless. This is the man that text me when my dad had just died to tell me the washing machine had broken!

I know I have been here before but on Sunday I decided to try again. I haven't drank since then, so today is day 4.

To be honest I feel like crap, I had a dream about my dad last night and I have been crying all day today. Went to the shop but bought trifles and chocolate and stuffed my face instead. I'm hoping to keep going, will take a day at a time, I'm telling myself it's not forever.

Sorry for the essay 😂

Oh, I'm so sorry @Dove222 - bless you. It sounds like you are really going through the wringer at the moment. I lost my dad in sad circumstances too; it's awful. He was definitely the voice of reason with my M. Issues there for me also. You don't deserve the treatment by your OH, I hope you are able to free yourself and begin again. You can do it, and put the possibility of happy times in your future once again. It's just me and the dog at home. I stay sober (do my best to) for him. We muddle along quite well together.

Life won't always be this horrible. You are a good person who horrible things have happened to. That is not your fault. Day 4 is absolutely magnificent - a real achievement. Well done to you. Keep going and keep trying. It's a hard path, but you're already many steps along it, more than you realise. Best wishes to you. xx

Hi Dove, I was exactly where you were once. Once I had that first drink I couldn’t stop and when I wasn’t drinking I was thinking about drinking. I was vey high functioning, holding down a good job and raising 2 kids. I tried every way possible to stop, I couldn’t bear the thought of going to an AA meeting. Eventually my mental health was so destroyed from alcohol I went for help. I started attending AA meetings and it was honestly the best decision in my life. I have met the most amazing people and have some really close friends in the rooms. It was the only way for me

Hey Dove, I’m also checking in to see how you’re getting on. Just adding my support. I am so sorry to hear that things are tough for you. Your mum doesn’t sound like the best of supports, some people are just limited in that respect.

You see your OH for who he is. You are worth way more. Maybe this OW will be a blessing in disguise and free you from him. sending you strength. 4 days is great and even if you blip, just pick yourself back up. Worth trying AA again?

It’s never too late. I stopped drinking aged 51 and have been sober for more than 10 years now. But you have to commit to it, you have to believe you NEED to do it and you may well need support. AA is a great support, I attended women only meeting which I much preferred to mixed ones - see if there are any near you . Keep it in the day, don’t look to far ahead and plan plan plan for what you will do when the urge to drink comes along . Good luck - life is just SO much better in every single way as a a sober woman - truly it is xx

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your support.

I think I may try AA again.

Tomorrow will be 1 week, longest for a while.

Give it a go Dove 💪

Well done. You can do it.

@Dove222 - you can do it. It won't be easy but it will be worth it. I did SMART Recovery, which I found very helpful (AA wasn't really for me). I think they have options to do it online if there isn't a local one near you: Self-Help Addiction Recovery | UK Smart Recovery - Good luck. x

I just came across this thread again - well done, I’m so proud of you. You have done the worst. Keep going.

Whatever preconceptions you have about AA please give it another go, it's been absolutely life changing for me and I am not talking just about the programme but the people there, just getting to know and talk to people who are or have gone through the same torment has been invaluable. Well done for a week, hope you are doing ok, and it really is just about a day at a time or sometimes an hour at a time. Just don't pick up that first drink