I'm Frightened it's too late

[Dove222]

Posting here for advice and accountability.

My drinking has increased a lot lately due to various reasons. I've been drinking around 2 bottles of wine most nights.

Attempted dry Jan and managed for 2 weeks then went back to it.

This weekend I had it in my head to start again today. I drank a lot, justifying that I was going to stop so may as well go for it 🥺

Last night I woke up with this awful burning sensation in my chest. I was violently sick and felt awful. It started to terrify me that I have caused permanent damage to my body.

I have put on 3 stone and have no longer been looking after myself. My grown children hate me drinking and don't want to be around me when I've been drinking.

Im terrified I will lose them. I'm terrified I've damaged myself. Im terrified I will look like this fat old hag forever.

Im 55, have I left this too late? Can I turn this around?

Day 1 today but I need to carry this on

@MurdoMunro I love spring green too, I have quite a few old clothes that I want to get into but may treat myself when I reach my goal.
Still a long way to go yet!

Both my children are wonderful ( bit biased). My son is a lot like me, so we do sometimes clash. Into the gym, kind, but a big thinker like I am.

They both work incredibly hard, at uni and their part time jobs.

But, my son tends to think the way I do. My daughter is alot more laid back.

Don't give up now, OP! You're doing amazingly well. I've been on weight-loss injections for several months and haven't wanted a drink at all, but prior to that I was having a drink every night. One thing I've noticed is how automatic it was for me to stop at the shop on my way home or to go out - as you said, in the rain - to the shop for a bottle of wine. I never think of doing that now and that's the way I want to stay.

It's amazing you've lost 1.5 stone. You must feel great about that. Your son will be so proud of you and you're setting him such a good example, not only with not drinking but showing him that when you know something's wrong, you do something about it.

Regarding the men at AA, I'm pretty sure relationships between addicts are frowned upon there. It's obvious to see why.

This last week or so I’ve dug my self a feel sorry for myself pit. Things at work are in flux, change is coming but it’s not to my timetable, I don’t have any control over it, everything is in other people’s hands and I’m feeling hard done by. My husband has needed me, he has a physical disability and also some mental health issues. Completely fine that I needed to put him first, that’s the in sickness and in health contract innit, and he’s appreciative of that. The dog’s poorly. Money’s a bit tight. And on and on and on. Roll up for my wingefest!

So what have I done? I am eating absolute shite, processed crap and carry outs, I’ve bummed fags off smoker friends, instead of going out for a walk in this lovely weather I’m slumped on the sofa half watching the telly.

How’s that helping? Not at all, it’s making it worse. Should I get a grip of myself and stop it? Absolutely yes. Can you all in this thread relate? I bet you can.

I’m here to say today that if I understand even 2% of what you guys have done, are continuing to do, are trying to do, then you have my huge respect and admiration. You are powerful women 🤜

Hi @MurdoMunro I'm sorry you are going through a tough time. Don't beat yourself up about eating crap and doing nothing. Maybe it's what you need to do for now to get through it.
I can absolutely relate but my only advice is to ride it out.

Have you had your exhibition yet?

Mother's day was horrible for me, for a number of reasons.

I felt really rough yesterday and have slept most of the day today. I found out that a friend that I met in hospital has died. From the outside they had the most amazing life, but the struggle was too much for them.
Really sad.

Ach I’m just whining, nothing’s that bad. But yes, I think you are right about succumbing to rest and not fretting it, I am probably very tired.

Exhibition had to be cancelled due to co-exhibitor being proper poorly, had to go to hospital quickly. We are planning to pick up again when she’s back the right way up. I could’ve gone ahead without her but I didn’t want to so that’s OK.

So sorry to hear about your friend, that must be right punch in the gut as you will have so much understanding of what she went through. I hope you don’t dwell on that too much and turn her story into yourself.

Do you want to tell us about Mothers Day?

Alternatively, would you like to tells us anything about how you are with the drink while you’ve been having a crappy time?

Thank you @MurdoMunro
I haven't wanted to drink really. I did on Mother's Day I have to confess.

I won't dwell on my friend, I haven't seen them since leaving the hospital but we had been in contact.

I guess what I have been feeling is just flat, I'm going to see my therapist next week. It's all just life I guess?

You know, it’s probably a sign of you feeling fed up that you wrote ‘I haven’t wanted to drink really. I did on Mothers day I have to confess’ with such a flat tone. Only a few weeks ago that would’ve been an achievement to celebrate. You had a rough weekend, you had some drink but mostly didn’t. What a distance you’ve traveled.

I'm sorry that you’re feeling low and that is flattening your feelings, I hope your meeting with your therapist sheds some light on it all.

Hey just a little update for anyone that is interested?

I did have a drink last weekend and again last night. Not great, but a massive improvement.

I'm not drinking midweek and can have a couple and then leave it. I am finding it easier to think I can if I want than I'm never drinking again.

Not ideal but so much better than the 1-2 bottles a night I was drinking.

Im going to try to lengthen the time between drinks but not torture myself if I do.

I have been a lot more productive and nearly lost 2 stone. Trying to be kinder to myself and take it a day at a time.

Feeling better and more positive, I do know this isn't ideal but I am in a much better place.

Thank you for all your support and I am sorry that I haven't managed yet to stop altogether but I'm hopeful that will come x

I’ve been thinking about you @Dove222 but didn’t want to post in case you felt badgered!

You're doing so well. It hasn’t been too late after all eh? It seems that old adage, something like ‘if you’re asking the question you probably already know the answer’ (or something like that, I’m not remembering well) is exactly what happened for you.

Do you think that by coming here and saying it out loud was the start of your change?

I'm really pleased to hear your news, I really am.

And 2 stones! Maybe you’ll still allow yourself a wee chocolate egg at the weekend tho?

@Dove222
Thanks for the update, I think you have done so well. Alcohol is one nasty drug. Always available totally socially acceptable and so many people are so unhelpful if you want to cut down or give up.
I can't believe you lost 2 stone! That's amazing. Big up your bad self as Sharon Hartley tells startled American guests of the sober podcast Over the Influence. I had to give up because I became allergic to the stuff. My immune system being much more intelligent than me.
I adore being sober, for me it's all wins. One of my favourite unexpected advantages is when I go and see a play on my own, such as the Mousetrap which my partner refuses to attend again, I am up and in the loo at the interval before everyone else because so many theatre goers drink and it makes them slow and befuddled compared to sober me.
I'm back in my seat with an icecream while they are in the bar!

Thank you @MurdoMunro

I was leaving posting as I felt I was letting everyone down.

Wanted to wait until I could post that I'd cracked it and had not picked up for months.
Maybe that will come?

Im drinking a lot of the Tripp CBD drinks which have really helped. Not tying myself in knots has really helped.

How are you doing?

You’re not (aren’t) letting anyone down. A few of have said this - we are happy to talk any time but you don’t owe any of us anything. It’s great to hear you doing well but on the other side it doesn’t impact on us if things have gone sideways, we’re neutral in that regard. Maybe someone else will have some wisdom on what ‘cracked it’ means, I’m nor sure if there’s ever really that absolute clarity. Managing a bit better, doing well, doing really well are possibly better ways of thinking about it.

Oh, and your question! I’m doing better in myself thanksforasking. The weather has perked me up, also eating a bit better too. I think good gut health helps me a lot and when I feel whingy I don’t make good dinner choices 😆

@MurdoMunro Thank you, I agree with good gut health. It really affects my mood when I eat rubbish, the sun helps too 🙂

How is everyone doing? Happy Easter. Peace and Strengh to all.

Hi @Morry15 Happy Easter!

Im ok thank you, feeling much better thank you. Still not completely sober but much better than I was.

How are you and everyone else?

Thought I would post an update.

Many of you probably knew it would happen but my drinking has increased again. I don't know how I let it happen, I have been under a lot of stress, my DH has cancer.

So even more reason to stop but it's been bloody hard. It's crept back up and getting out of control again. I had some wine left over from yesterday and I've just poured it down the sink.
Back to Day 1 😢

You can only take one day at a time.

I’m so sorry to hear about your DH. Do you have real life support?

Well done recognising the drinking has crept back up and taking action. You’re not really back at day 1 though as you have more self awareness and understanding this time around.

One day at a time. Keep posting. You may not feel like it but you’ve made huge progress.

Keep a journal and change your routine up. You can do it. Look for some local support groups x

It's very difficult because DH doesn't want anyone to know.

I have told close family and they are supportive. Think I definitely need to find a meeting. DH has started treatment and has stopped drinking so no alcohol in the house which should help.

Im so frightened that I won't be able to cope but the temporary relief from alcohol isn't helping with my anxiety.

That is really hard. What treatment is he having? Hopefully he’ll be ok about you talking to friends soon. Otherwise it’s very difficult for you.

Keep on with the not drinking a day at a time. You can do this. Try not to worry about not coping, it will get easier. Try not to think too far ahead, just to the next few days. What can you do for yourself? Is there anything that would help?

He has had radiotherapy and now 12 weeks of chemo.
Im trying hard to look after myself, hence the stopping drinking.

Im frightened because it was my dads ill health that sent me spiralling before but I know that drinking is not the answer.

I have to be strong for my children, taking it one day at a time.

Thank you @bournevilleismyfavourite x

@Dove222 you’re a wiser person this time around, more in tune with yourself. Stay strong and keep posting. Try and do something nice for yourself each day. What makes you feel good? For me it’s a nice walk and some sun on my face, coffee in the garden. Are you working f-t?