I'm Frightened it's too late

[Dove222]

Posting here for advice and accountability.

My drinking has increased a lot lately due to various reasons. I've been drinking around 2 bottles of wine most nights.

Attempted dry Jan and managed for 2 weeks then went back to it.

This weekend I had it in my head to start again today. I drank a lot, justifying that I was going to stop so may as well go for it 🥺

Last night I woke up with this awful burning sensation in my chest. I was violently sick and felt awful. It started to terrify me that I have caused permanent damage to my body.

I have put on 3 stone and have no longer been looking after myself. My grown children hate me drinking and don't want to be around me when I've been drinking.

Im terrified I will lose them. I'm terrified I've damaged myself. Im terrified I will look like this fat old hag forever.

Im 55, have I left this too late? Can I turn this around?

Day 1 today but I need to carry this on

@MurdoMunro
I couldn't start again with another therapist. I am seeing the one from my hospital stay and she knows everything about me.
To start all over again would be far too draining.

She is very good and gives me a preferential rate but I cannot afford it weekly.

Ultimately it has to come from me though. I know the steps I should be taking. But I cannot find the strength at the moment to take them.
Im tinkering on the edge at the moment, trying not to fall off.

That’s fair enough Dove, makes complete sense to stick with the person you trust. Have you talked to her about the drinking at all?

We have, I haven't said how much I was drinking. She knows I use it as a coping mechanism.

So sorry to hear you're struggling - sending a hug to you.

Have you ever tried CBD drinks? They sell them in Asda amongst other places . They don't give you a 'buzz' but they do just make you feel more chilled as it were. I often drink them. Little bit pricey, but so is booze! I feel like I'm having an 'adult' indulgence. Have a try - it's worth considering. I'm sorry if I'm missed this info- but anti depressants are so worth it (were for me anyway ) I'd be a wreck without them 😂.

Continuing therapy is a great plan. It's so viral to just have that safe non judgemental place to talk.

I know a previous poster advised AA. I don't want to refute sources of potential help, but be careful , if you do go down that route. Keep your autonomy and wits about you x

She probably knows more than you’ve told her Dove. Would she be a safe person to practice the honest disclosure with, you know, saying the words you’ve said here but out loud to an actual person who can see you?

She needn’t do anything with that information or change anything else about how she’s working with you. Just a thought that it might be easier to say it again another time after you’ve managed to do it first in a safe place. A possible next small step is all.

There were people earlier in this thread who talked about groups other than AA. Can anyone remember what they were? Being a lazy arse, I can go back and look for myself 😆. I’m interested to find out more about them.

@Dove222 dont know if any others have posted but the thread for those trying to live an alcohol free life is really supportive with people of a similar age and experiences to you. It’s a good forum for keeping you focused and accountable.

AA isn’t for everyone. Google drug and alcohol services in your area. In many areas, there are great services jointly funded and staffed by the NHS and Charities. My husband was way past your stage - vodka for breakfast and throughout the day. He would even wake up in the night to drink more. This service in the North East was a God send for him. He has now been sober for 6 years and his damaged liver has healed. It’s an amazing organ. He couldn’t get on with AA.

What a lovely success story ! So glad your DH healed and is living life sober. I bet you're relationship is so much stronger for it. Bloody well done to him (and you of course)

Hope you don't mind me answering: there Is SMART recovery, women for sobriety, life ring and local drug and alcohol services (we have 'turning point 'here.

I got over an alcohol problem (it was a bad habit/crutch) but it got pretty messy.

My lifeline was quit lit (memoirs by women that had put the drink down ) and podcasts. I realised I was not alone and still a human that mattered. AAa made me feel like I was a different type of human called 'an alcoholic ' that was selfish, egotistical and needed god and a higher power to restore me to 'sanity' and I had to attend meetings forever and mix with only 'other alcoholics '. That crashed my self esteem which was already dire , even lower into the floor. Right nothing off, but proceed with caution

Agree with Brandon above and bloody well done to you @StrikeForever for getting to the other side, I hope your injuries have healed as well.

Thanks for the info @BrandonFlowersEyesWithEyeliner, will do some reading around for my own interest

Honestly, have a read. There's no right or wrong. AA scares me a little. It's up to the individual to see that.

I'm here for my sober sisters. I've been very much where the OP is. She's got this; one day at a time and lean on this sober bunch xx

I don't wish to poison anyone against AA. But if your self esteem is low, AA will lower it

Thank you all for your kind replies.

I will look into the SMART recovery.

@BrandonFlowersEyesWithEyeliner I didn't enjoy the AA meetings I went to. I found them full of cliches and felt some of the people weren't genuine.

As I said when I was in hospital there was an addictions unit. Nobody that I met there have managed to stay clean. I even met the same people that would go there, get sober then be back in a few weeks. It seemed like an endless cycle for them.

Maybe it was just the meetings I went to? I think I'm just tired out of the therapy setting. I also tend to take on other people's problems and try to help them.

I have a real problem with forming friendships as I have been so let down by so called friends.

When I was in hospital I made a really good friend. Spent a lot of time with her and we really clicked. Had hours of calls when we came home and really thought I had found a friend for life.
One day she just blocked me on everything. No explanation, I didn't even know if she had hurt herself. We shared the same psychiatrist and he wouldn't tell me if she was ok.
I understood if she wanted to step away but it really hurt, I had helped her a lot and listened for hours to her problems.

It took me a long time to get over that. I really don't want to be dragged into something like that again.

Although I did meet some great people, one who I know will be a friend for ever. Some of them seemed very devious and not very pleasant (who would have thought in a psychiatric hospital?? 😂)

Sorry if I'm rambling, just putting some thoughts here.

Yes I do drink the CBD drinks and find they help. Going to keep on trying, day 4 today and I'm determined to get over that 2 week danger point.

Thanks again x
,

So you haven’t left it too late. It is never too late.
I am several years sober (not drunk, a prescription med) and this is my experience:
we all give every excuse under the sun to avoid doing the work.
I don’t want it on my records at my GP.
AA meetings are full of cliches.
We can give a million reasons why all of the avenues open to us remain closed.
And so we carry in drinking or whatever it is and you sound like your last incident made you really, really sick.
Is that what you want? Because you will get sicker and as you get older your body won’t be able to cope. Your kids will watch you deteriorate and will stay away.
How did I manage?
I told my GP. I no longer give a toss what’s on my medical records. It’s my business. I have realised now I have got older we attach such stigma to what is in our records.
I did what I could to engage in a programme that helped me. No, it wasn’t perfect and yes, people did my head in and yes, it could get overwhelming. But not attending was just an excuse to not get sober.
Drop the excuses, because they are not good enough reasons and I say this as someone who still struggles and has to deal with the world. When it gets tough, I can’t reach for the pills any more. Yes, I worry the damage I did but the human body has a remarkable capacity to recover.
Take it one day at a time. Through getting sober I realised helping other people got me out of my headspace and enabled me to meet other similar people.
You have to find a new way of living. No more wine with dinner. No more getting pissed with a box set.
A good friend of mine got sober last year and she’s 60. When her daughter found her at the bottom of the stairs, passed out, covered in blood, it was time to act.
Act she did. Her GP was brilliant, she went to AA and also another support group. The change in her is immense.
But it takes a day at a time. When I started it was 5 minutes at a time.
You can do it, and if you do, the benefits to your life will be astounding to you. Try it, just for today, and go and get some help and support.

Thank you. Yes, we are very happy and grateful to the excellent local service. He couldn’t have done it without them.

Thank you. They have. We’re good 🙂

@PeggyMitchellsCameo I really like your tell-it-how-it-is directness. It’s good that we have created a kind space here but there’s no true kindness in glossing over the hard stuff.

@Dove222 I’m going to start warbling on again about things that I have no authority about. But here’s my thought. I wonder if hospital, rehab or suchlike is a good place to make friends. Two reasons, these places are bubbles, separate from the real world, the friendships made could be like holiday romances, fleeting encounters when you are for a while someone different.

Second. People are there because they have huge problems, they are likely to be in no position to establish and maintain any sort of reliable relationship. They have work to do to sort themselves out before being any use to anyone else.

They likely weren’t weird with you or blocked you because they don’t like you. They’re just locked down in their own chaotic shit.

Such interesting reading. I’m 5 years off alcohol. I could see it creeping up and decided to knock it on the head after moderating didn’t work for me. I’m a very black and white person so it was all or nothing. I also have medical reasons that drinking was riskier for me than the average person.

I agree that sometimes we need to hear uncomfortable truths @PeggyMitchellsCameo is right. There is always a reason to drink/ not to give up. I was artful in deceiving myself that I didn’t have an issue.

@Dove222 I also agree that meeting friends in that environment is maybe not the best. It’s such an intense place and time. It’s a shame that you feel so let down. I would try and reframe it. You were obviously a great support but she probably felt that she’d over shared and wanted to leave that experience behind her. Brutal for you.

I would also ask yourself why you take on others problems? It’s not great for your own mental health to be that way. Can you pinpoint why?

I totally agree about the friendship thing in hospital. I fully understand why my friend may have needed to step back. I was just trying to explain why I am very guarded in going to a setting like AA and making friends.

When I went before this lady cornered me and wanted to give me her number, I said I didn't have my phone and she was asking everyone for a pen and paper, pressed me on giving my number and then sent me quite a few messages.
She was probably just being friendly but I felt very uncomfortable.

@MurdoMunro yes I agree about people being in there with huge problems. But there were some that just seemed to treat it like a holiday and were particularly mean. My whole point is that group stuff makes me feel uncomfortable because of past experience.

@bournevilleismyfavourite i don't know why I do that, I do have great empathy but if your my friend then you are my friend. The problem is I expect people to behave the same way back and most of them have let me down.

Of course you are right @PeggyMitchellsCameo and believe me I know about making excuses. I have just been trying to be honest about my feelings and how my brain is working at the moment.

It had definitely got well out of hand the few months before my thread. But it was saving me from totally losing the plot and maybe doing something silly.
Well done on your sobriety and thank you

@Dove222 Keep posting. I think you sound like a lovely person. I also can overinvest a bit in friendships. I hold back a bit now especially with new people.

Hope you're feeling a little brighter today @Dove222 . It's an arduous journey full of slips at the beginning, but you're still here on this thread. You've not disappeared (you easily could have done !) so you're very much still on this sober journey! 😃

So , with regards to the woman at AA. It really isn't a 'you' problem. It is sort of a 'love bombing ' technique. I'm quite guarded with people and I choose to keep my circle small, so the idea of having randoms texty texting and trying to be my new BFF after one meeting was absolutely suffocating and a bit 'scary', so I feel you there. Also, there's a lot of very mentally unwell people in those rooms that aren't very stable (I'm not the sanest person ever ! But this was on a bit of a different level ). In my opinion, I don't think it's healthy to have a load of mentally Ill people in a room acting as 'sponsors ' for their mentally unwell peers. But to summarise, it isn't 'you'. I think AA will die a death in a decade. Younger and better informed people aren't going to buy into a religious spiritual practice that preaches from a 1939 book. I have got a bit of an axe to grind with AA I admit (it was very harmful to my self esteem and I believe it's harmful to vulnerable women) but I risk derailing your thread so I'll shut up now!!

I hope you got your head on the pillow sober tonight ready for a fresh morning with no hideous hangover 🤩

@BrandonFlowersEyesWithEyeliner

Yes, I felt the same about AA. On my first meeting a guy asked if I wanted to go for something to eat after! Again, may have trying to be friendly but made me feel uncomfortable.
Totally agree with the mentally unwell people too and some devious characters as well.
Just put me on edge.

Please do t think you are derailing, this isn't my thread and all opinions and comments are gratefully received.

I did have another sober evening, was tempted last night but played it forward. My son is home today from uni. He will bring some joy and stop me hibernating in my room!

1 1/2 stone down today too which has cheered me up!

1 and a half stones eh? That’s bigger than a small win, will be time to treat your self to a new top or trousers soon! What colour says ‘success’ to you? For me it’s a shade of spring green, not lime, a bit more neutral - like the colour of new leaves. I got a linen mix t shirt out of M&S in just the right shade last summer, makes me feel chirpy when I’m wearing it.

What’s your lad like Dove, is he lively or calm in character, sporty, a thinker, a good cook?