I'm Frightened it's too late

[Dove222]

Posting here for advice and accountability.

My drinking has increased a lot lately due to various reasons. I've been drinking around 2 bottles of wine most nights.

Attempted dry Jan and managed for 2 weeks then went back to it.

This weekend I had it in my head to start again today. I drank a lot, justifying that I was going to stop so may as well go for it 🥺

Last night I woke up with this awful burning sensation in my chest. I was violently sick and felt awful. It started to terrify me that I have caused permanent damage to my body.

I have put on 3 stone and have no longer been looking after myself. My grown children hate me drinking and don't want to be around me when I've been drinking.

Im terrified I will lose them. I'm terrified I've damaged myself. Im terrified I will look like this fat old hag forever.

Im 55, have I left this too late? Can I turn this around?

Day 1 today but I need to carry this on

I just wanted to recommend the weight loss injection, Mounjaro, for anyone who has a problem with their weight and alcohol. One of the ways it works is to affect the reward system in your brain so you simply don't see food or drink as treats. Apart from a very few occasions where someone's poured me a drink and I haven't wanted to tell them about the injections (and in those cases the wine didn't taste good to me and I only had a few sips) I haven't had a drink since the moment I took the first injection. I haven't even thought about it and I was a daily drinker.

Mounjaro has also been very good for people with ADHD - there's a lot online about it. It quietens impulses, that's for sure.

@MounjaroOnMyMind

Thank you, I have tried that about a year ago. I didn't eat but was still drinking.

My bmi is too low now to get it. But I have heard that it can help

Don’t feel guilty reading my posts @Dove222 I like talking to you. You’re different to my mum, you’re honest about what’s going on, owing it, wanting to make changes. I wish my mum had been more like you.

@MurdoMunro thank you ❤️

https://open.spotify.com/episode/5VSVi4gh6j9e8p8ElsAhCp?si=M7eYxpoKSXGtF90iextXTA&context=spotify%3Ashow%3A4qXlSc9lDGStYLeYIjrWPH

This is a link to Sober awkward OP. (Well one episode) But there are plenty

https://open.spotify.com/episode/2RatVHVUGXXDNwfnVd3CJH?si=4PSVqORjSsqeG3fb-Ah0pw&context=spotify%3Ashow%3A7K1GAkf4toh7Y06guqcTQL

Also, sober stories from everyday people.

I've only linked one episode as that's all I know how to do. But there are lots. I think you'll relate to a lot of the content. Let me know how you get on

First of all, it’s a big step to come on here & admit you have a problem OP. Somebody once said to me that alcohol is as addictive if not more so than heroin & it really doesn’t help that it’s so readily available. I even saw it in WH Smith’s at a motorway services the other day! Bonkers! Also it’s a huge part of our whole culture. Christenings, weddings, funerals - you name it, there’s alcohol involved. And until I quit I really hadn’t noticed just how often having a drink or talking about having a drink after a bad day is “ a thing”. “ I deserve a drink after the day I’ve had”. “ Kids playing up all halfterm so I’ve got a bottle with my name on it in the fridge”. “ Phew it’s hot - fancy a cold one after work?” & on & on it goes. It’s on tv a lot too.
I feel for you so much because it is very difficult to give up. I was in denial that I am an alcoholic for years. Even now I don’t tend to use the phrase “ recovering alcoholic “. I managed to quit for a few years but started again with a sip of cooking wine. It was like vinegar! Finally quit about 18 months ago. I couldn’t drink before an op & I just didn’t start again. Lost over 4 stone & feel so much better. I did go to a group a couple of times. You could maybe try online if you’re uncomfortable sitting in a room with strangers.
I know that if I had carried on as I was, I would have ended up in an early grave 😢 Some days I was having 3 bottles of wine. I do miss it occasionally although AF alternatives are getting better & better.
The pain in your chest & vomiting could well be acid reflux. I suffered terribly when I was drinking & one time actually had to call an ambulance because I thought I was having a heart attack! Never felt so ill or so scared in my life.
The family thing is difficult. I know I put DH & DD16 through a hell of a lot. Could your family speak to Al - Anon for advice? Good luck OP. Thinking of you.

@Dove222 how’s it going?

I'm ok thank you. Haven't been drinking and I do feel better.
I swing from being optimistic to despair. All the years wasted and the challenge of sorting myself out.

My son is home which helps, although the house is crowded. He still thinks he is at his own flat and has showers at crazy times 😂
but it's good to have him back.

Treated myself to a hair appointment. Really needed a colour so booked myself into a trendy hairdressers on Saturday.
Many hours and £ later and after telling the stylist how much "I love it!!!" I went home and sobbed 😂
Its awful!
Ordered a bottle of wine, opened it and then poured it down the sink.....more £ down the drain but at least I didn't drink it !

So thankful I didn't go with the stylist original idea of peach and lavender tones 😂
I was going to complain but she was so sweet and lovely, I ended up apologising for it taking so long

Oh no about the hair!!! I always hate my hair to start with then it seems to improve as time goes on.

Really well done on the drinking! That’s brilliant. It must be lovely having your son back. You’re doing so well. Keep going!

And try not to focus on the regrets too much. Just think about what you want your future to be. I’ve not had a drink in 5 years but drank pretty heavily from the age of of 17 to 47. A lot of time wasted on hangovers and some bad stuff. Some good times too. But I think of alcohol as being like a set of scales and for me, it takes more than it gives. I choose to move forwards.

@Dove222 how has your week been?

@bournevilleismyfavourite up and down really. I've started having a few panic attacks, I have some medication to help but dont want to start relying on it.

I met my friend and had a lovely evening but I did have a couple of glasses of wine. Not good :(
Feeling quite low this weekend, thank you for checking up on me x

Sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. It’s no wonder really given the stress you’ve been under. Maybe try to just avoid situations where wine is available? Be honest with your friends. Don’t beat yourself up about- it’s still progress. Can you plan any nice things for yourself next week? It’s a good forecast here so I’m looking forward to some nice evening walks, maybe even a swim.

I'm new to this post but OP I am wishing you well. I have similar struggles.
A couple of glasses is not the end of the world and every day is a new day. I have been several months sober but the stress of having to go "home" to take care of my parents has been an absolute challenge.
Not sure where you live but I have an amazing community-based network - I found it through Google because I couldn't go through my GP (my neighbour is a healthcare assistant at my surgery, she needs access to my records but has the discretion of... someone who is not discreet)

@bournevilleismyfavourite you are so kind.
My SIL visited last week from Australia, she is an amazing lady and made me feel very good.
I do need to socialise more, I really miss laughing with friends.

@Pebbles16 can I ask what kind of group it is please and how would I find one? I definitely don't want to go to AA

That’s great to hear- I’m so pleased! Yes having a good laugh is brilliant for the soul!

In terms of communities can you just try googling alcohol free community local to you? I did that and it threw up lots of facebook and instagram groups.

@Dove222 SMART recovery is available online. I found it suited me better

Yes you can turn this around. I was 50 when I did. Probably the most important thing I started with was deciding how I was going to talk to myself. Although I was sick of letting myself down I decided I was no longer going to blame myself for letting myself down.

I knew that just stopping wouldn't last for m (it never had before) so instead I started by just becoming aware. Aware when I was drinking, aware how I was feeling, aware when I felt a craving. Just kind of started getting acquainted with what was going on because then I knew I would at least start to understand what was happening and could take different decisions.

Hi everyone

I wasn't going to post as the last few months have been awful! Drinking has really ramped up again. As I knew it would!!

So today is Day1 again :(

BUT I attended a Smart Recovery meeting online, found it very useful. I have sent off for the book and going to attend more meetings.

Ive also applied for a job, did an online assessment and waiting to hear back.

I did find this thread so helpful before and hoping I can crack this 🤞🏼

Lovely to hear from you!! Well done in taking that step. That’s brilliant. I had many false starts before I cracked it. Keep posting and letting us know how you’re getting on. Good luck with the job.

Thank you ❤️

Hey, @Dove222 how’s it going?

Not great.... thank you for asking ❤️