I'm Frightened it's too late

[Dove222]

Posting here for advice and accountability.

My drinking has increased a lot lately due to various reasons. I've been drinking around 2 bottles of wine most nights.

Attempted dry Jan and managed for 2 weeks then went back to it.

This weekend I had it in my head to start again today. I drank a lot, justifying that I was going to stop so may as well go for it 🥺

Last night I woke up with this awful burning sensation in my chest. I was violently sick and felt awful. It started to terrify me that I have caused permanent damage to my body.

I have put on 3 stone and have no longer been looking after myself. My grown children hate me drinking and don't want to be around me when I've been drinking.

Im terrified I will lose them. I'm terrified I've damaged myself. Im terrified I will look like this fat old hag forever.

Im 55, have I left this too late? Can I turn this around?

Day 1 today but I need to carry this on

I work part time for his business, which isn't doing too well.

I have to get a job but worried about doing that and caring for him. He is already feeling unwell after 1 round of chemo.

Yesterday, I really fancied a drink, he was out so was thinking it's my chance and I wouldn't feel guilty.
But I didn't and the first thing I thought this morning was "thank god I didn't drink last night!"
Baby steps but I know that drinking will only add to my problems. Lack of money and my mental health. Terrified of what the future will be....

I think you sound like you’re doing brilliantly considering. Is there anyone who can come and give you some practical help? How urgent are the money worries? Would it help to get a part time job? Or can that be parked until he’s through chemo? I would be leaning on my friends and my kids for a bit of support through this. Can you visit your GP and tell them how you’re feeling? See if there any support you can get?

Sorry, a million questions! If you break down these worries it may help. Hugs and support here. 💞

Also has he thought of intermittent fasting to reduce chemo side effects? I’ve been reading quite a lot about this recently. Obviously he’d need to check with his doctor but it sounded really interesting.

Thank you @bournevilleismyfavourite

Yes he already fasts, he is quite fit and healthy.

Think I will look into a part time job. Breaking things down will help.

Having no alcohol in the house definitely helps, he was quite a big drinker so even when I stopped it was always here.

@Dove222 how are you getting on?

@Dove222
i was just reading your post. What a blow about your husband. I hope you are both doing ok.
If you have a Maggies centre near you they are an amazing charity. They help anyone affected by cancer. Emotional, practical, financial help. I felt 100 times calmer after visiting. They helped me fill in forms to apply for financial help, they have arranged counselling for a family member, they have yoga and exercise classes and so many support groups. Or one on one support.

yes I’ve heard this is a really unexpected bonus, not wanting to drink

Thank you for checking in.

I had been doing really well. We had an appointment with the oncologist yesterday. Leading up to that I had been very ill, started having panic attacks again and no sleep.

I was so frightened that this was going to be bad news.
It turns out was quite good news that the tumour has shrunk and no spread!

Still a way to go but best news so far and DH may not need an operation.

Came home from the appointment and DH said he needed a drink, to my regret I did too. Feeling angry today and upset. I'm not sure if I can kick this?

@Wells37 I have been to our local Maggies and it is a wonderful place. I will be going back to get some more info x

@Dove222 that’s a great update!! I’m so pleased to hear about your husband. Try not to beat yourself up about your blip. You’ve been through and are still going through, an incredibly stressful time. The thing is there’s always a reason to drink alcohol but it doesn’t actually improve anything. You know that though. Onwards and upwards. You’re still moving in the right direction, self awareness is such a key part of it. Are you able to speak to your husband and get a bit of support there?

@bournevilleismyfavourite thank you for your support.

Yes I'm going to speak to him about it all as he really shouldn't be drinking.

like you say there is always an excuse to have a drink. Good news, celebrate with a drink. Bad news, drown your sorrows 😢

Lots of luck @Dove222 I hope you can have a good chat. I’m so glad the health news was good. What have you been up to this weekend?

Thank you @bournevilleismyfavourite

I had a quiet weekend, my nerves are shattered. Which in a way is helpful because I cannot face a drink because of the anxiety it causes.

I have to be really careful of my mental health, I have a therapy session booked and going to give the house a good clean.

Thank you for your support x

No wonder you feel exhausted, what a draining time you’ve been having. I hope you can plan a few nice things for yourself. It’s raining here but the weather looks to be getting better again on Wednesday. We’re doing a big spring clean at the moment (well leas of a clean more of a clear out), it’s very freeing. I’m pleased you have a therapy session. It sounds like you have a lot of self awareness which is a big part of keeping well. You should be proud of yourself, how you’ve coped. 🌺

I’m sorry I wasn’t around to respond until now @Dove222 but I can see you have had lovely women jump up and hold their hands out to you. I’ve enjoyed reading the comments.

I’m glad to hear that you had some good news about your husband’s health but I think it isn’t like a switch and everyone goes ‘phew, all good, all happy now”. Takes a while for the worries, anxiety, fear etc to subside and its not at all a surprise to hear that like me, the first thing our stupid bloody brains do is reach for the thing with the least liklihood to be helpful. ‘Take a day off arsehole’ eh? Am I right? Stupid brain.

Hi @MurdoMunro how are you?

I'm sorry to say I broke last night. WHY do I keep doing this to myself???

Its crazy! Thought I would just have one glass, but I can't. It's like self harm.

Im going to a meeting tonight, I don't want to do it anymore, I've really had enough, this is going to kill me :(

It is a form of self-harm isnt it though? Not ‘like’ self-harm, it really is.

I hope you go to the meeting tonight. I expect it will be uncomfortable and you will hate it. But I really want you to stop self harming and this thread ain’t gonna do it. Go and say the words out loud while real people are in the room/on the screen and looking at you, listening to you, understanding the hugeness of what your words mean. It’s the gate you must pass through.

@Dove222 please don’t be ashamed. What’s your inner monologue before you have a drink?

So sorry to hear you've had another lapse. Sending you my best wishes. Just remember that alcohol is a depressant and you'll likely feel mentally and physically horrific for these next few days, but it will improve massively.

Meetings can make you feel pressurised into submission when you're at your most vulnerable, so keep your wits about you. Just remember there are alternatives (smart meetings, online sober communities) AA isn't the only answer. Although it is immediately accessible and free, which I can see is advantageous.

I'd strongly recommend Bryony Gordon books. It helps to realise there are other "fucked up" "normal" women that have done "fucked up crazy things" (and got over it). AA very much impresses that you're simply an "alcoholic" and will have to label yourself that forever. Everything you ever think and do will be labelled "alcoholic thinking" etc. I worry about vulnerable people with low self esteem being encouraged to think of themselves like that. There are healthier ways to overcome this.

Also, binge on "sober stories" podcast and "sober awkward" start listening today. It'll give you hope and inspiration and make you realise you're not done hopeless gutter "alcoholic". Plenty of people have addictive and problematic relationships with alcohol and can stop. It's not always immediate and is full of false starts. It'll really help listening to those podcasts to empower you. AA I fear is less likely to empower you. But whatever you decide, you can put this behind you. Good luck x

I think it's mostly to stop the worrying. I say to myself "tonight is the last night, will start tomorrow"

Crazy I know. My DS is due home and he hates me drinking. So I kind of justified it by saying I won't drink when he is home. But that never seems to work either.

@BrandonFlowersEyesWithEyeliner
Thank you, I've just had a long conversation with a very good friend of mine and he echoed everything you said.
To be honest it's my thought process from my previous experience with AA.

Im a bit torn as what I should do? I have therapy on Friday and my friend is visiting next week, he lives abroad and I haven't seen him for a while. Just speaking to him and having his visit to look forward to has made me feel so much better.

I need to make friends, I haven't had any social contact for weeks.

Im definitely not drinking tonight and I'm off to deep clean the bathroom.

Thank you, thank you all so much. Your support and kind words have helped me more than you know ❤️

Have you looked into any of the other (not AA) groups that people recommended on the thread?

Morning OP. Did you go to the meeting ? I understand why it was your 'go to'- I used to bounce between turning up there hungover after a binge then not going back , then doing it again. I think it's because in the back of your mind "it's the only option". But it's not. Thank goodness for the internet and modern technology on this one. When I listened to those podcasts, I realised there were so many women like me, that weren't all "full of character defects and morally flawed". They had gotten into an addictive and harmful relationship with alcohol and had extricated themselves, without attending a religious and brainwashing meeting for the rest of their lives.

AA was written by the (1930s) male alcoholic, for the (1930s) male alcoholic. Female drinkers especially are not full of ego, self will and arrogance. They're often people pleasers, rather fragile to some extent, and always but always have crushingly low self esteem. Attending meetings encouraging such women to view themselves as defective and flawed and nothing but a greedy self seeking self serving "alcoholic" does and will cause harm. I hate seeing vulnerable women signposted to this organisation.

Anyway, please do listen to those podcasts. I cannot stress how less alone you'll feel. They really kick started my "ok, I'm not alone, I can do this. These "normal" people have ". When I used to look round AA rooms, I didn't see a single person that looked "well" or "had their shit together" - the old timers as they call them, were often the most twisted up, embittered, hostile people I met, with a saccharine sweet reception to the newcomer, until the "sell our product "mask drops . I don't blame them, they've been brainwashed and never had real help for their poor mental health.

If I can get off booze, you really really can. Start with wanting to in your heart and soul. Binge on books and podcasts. Change your routines a little to stop any associations. It's a gradual and subtle life change. It won't be an overnight thing. The lapses you've experienced are a normal part of this process. Also remember that the alcohol is leaving your system in the first 72hours after a binge and won't just cause physical symptoms but mental symptoms too : over exaggerated anxiety, panic and depressive symptoms. It's temporary.

Love reading your insights Brandon, it’s so good for and outsider like me to read all this. My experiences are all about being the daughter of an alcoholic and very different. I try very hard to put that to one side but you cant can you? These things form who you are as an adult and never leave. Very hard to notice when my perspective is creeping in and not helpful. I’m getting a lot from being on this thread.

I'm sorry you grew up with a parent that was an alcoholic. That must have been awful , you have my sympathy for that.

Obviously, our perspectives will naturally creep into advice we give.

I'd never have classed myself as an "alcoholic" to be honest. I am someone that sparodically abused alcohol harmfully when I had periods of not coping with life. I certainly have undiagnosed ADHD (as a lot of female problem drinkers do ) but not going down that diagnosis route. Anyway, so then when it came to drinking socially, I always ended up drinking abnormally, because my brain was wired up by then to gulp it and abuse it. So that's why I no longer touch it. I've learnt powerful lessons. I'm one of the lucky ones as in that I was never physically addicted and never a daily drinker. I was very much functioning normally between binges. If however like you, you had a parent that was truly an "alcoholic" it is different. AA probably provides a valuable place for them in the early stages, to "dry out" so to speak. I never needed a that phase. All of mine was purely "mental". It got pretty bad at times, make no mistake. There was nothing "normal" about my drinking. Most of not all was due to unaddressed various "issues". That if course needed addressing. If not, the drink will come back in. Hence, AA never deals with underlying problems. It's all focused on the alcohol itself.

I feel I've digressed a little !

Aha. Another interesting insight. I have ADHD and I’m absolutely a gorger-binger-impulsive when in that phase. Although I’m still not entirely in control of it, never will be, I do understand the signs and can divert before things go too far sideways these days (professional help + meds).

But even in my wilder days being the child of a problematic drinker (is that a better way to say it?) made me steer completely clear of drugs and alcohol even when all my friends where off their faces and having the best of times. I have several friends with ADHD in their 50s and 60s who self-medicated with alcohol, coke, pills and weed for decades and they are all in really bad places. So in some ways I’m kinda grateful.

Hey @BrandonFlowersEyesWithEyeliner

No I didn't go, after speaking to my friend and reading your post I realised it's not for me. I think I'm missing the group therapy setting but AA is a completely different ballgame.

I do listen to podcasts, are there any you recommend?

@MurdoMunro im sorry that you had to deal with this growing up. It does make me feel guilty reading your posts, especially as you have been so supportive.

I definitely show signs of ADHD and the drinking does quieten my mind. I'm not physically addicted, it is more mental for me.
But I'm frightened it will turn into a physical addiction.

I have spent the last few days cleaning the house.

I have also decided to approach this from a different direction. In my mind if I get sober my life will be more fulfilling, I will be able to get a job, make friends and be happy.
But I can't do this unless I'm sober.

If I start being more proactive the need to drink, the loneliness, the worries won't be as hard. Then the drinking will stop.

Don't know if that makes sense? It's not an excuse to keep on drinking it's just trying to deal with things from a different way.

How long have you been sober for @BrandonFlowersEyesWithEyeliner ?

Thanks again for you lovely replies