Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

Thank you, @shewillneverstop and @CharlotteByrde. I spoke to my aunt yesterday who was completely dumbfounded (as this seems so out of character to anyone who knows my mother) but very supportive. She’s also supported 2 of her children through addiction - it’s rife in that side of the family - and so was able to be pragmatic that the only thing we could try to influence was safety.

She also said ‘if she wants to drink herself to death, that’s fine! At our age you’ve earned it. But she doesn’t want to get in a car crash or fall down the stairs.’

Which is pretty much how I see things.

I will seek some support IRL to deal with the simmering resentment, however, that she is deliberately rendering herself incapable of looking after her pets and her home environment, which is quickly turning into my responsibility.

I understand the resentment, and support is a good idea. In terms of the pets, if it becomes serious with regards to their welfare, liaise with the aunt and local rescues to see if you can get them rehomed. Tough on your mother, but if she's prioritising booze over her animals she doesn't deserve to have them.

These are her responsibilities and not yours @VoltaireMittyDream. If she can't/won't look after her pets, rehome them and if she can't/won't keep her home clean, let her live in a mess or tell her she'll need to employ a cleaner. She needs to recognise that her actions have consequences. Don't literally sweep it all under the carpet for her.

Finding everything a bit too much at the moment and again want to reiterate how incredibly important finding this thread is to me. My DH is not making any progress towards sobriety and I've given up trying to help - it's now a 'how to manage' game. We moved house somewhere very very rural and the last two weeks have been hell. He's terminally unemployable but I work and thankfully our overheads are very small. I'd always said I would stay with him but I'm starting to wonder if there is a way out. We have a lot of work to do on the house but I can't even trust him with the simplest tasks - when I can scold/shame him into action. He's now injured himself, broken power tools, broken furniture all in the name of trying to help. Beginning to realise I'm going to have to do this myself while holding down 2 jobs. So overwhelmed at the moment.

@Needsomeadvice2234 when you said you'd always stay with him, was that with the knowledge that the rest of the relationship would be with someone who's checked out of all responsibilities and crawled inside a bottle?

The reason I ask is that one of the reasons I stayed for way too long was because I'd made a promise to myself that I wouldn't be the one to break up my children's family. But there was one night when I sat and I really thought about what I was trying to preserve. My relationship was a sick farce - I came a distant second place to a box of cheap Chardonnay. There had been several incidents where it was unmistakable that my children were being affected. The stress was making me physically ill. And it really hit me that, out of me and her, the only one of us who really wanted her to stop drinking was me. She didn't. At best, she wanted the bad things that happened when she had been drinking to stop happening, but she didn't want that enough to stop drinking for good.

The promise I'd made to myself to stay was based on the information that was available to me at the time. It was the right decision then. But years later I had more information that showed that that promise was no longer appropriate. One of the things that stuck in my head from Al-Anon was the teeth-itchingly trite but nevertheless true "nothing changes, if nothing changes." She wasn't going to change. My children were not in a position to enact change themselves. So if I wanted things to change, I needed to be the one to instigate it.

We don't have children and there have been wonderful glimpses of the person he could go back to being. We moved house as a lifestyle choice and in my head, the peace and quiet would do him good and let him work on himself. I'm all out of fight so can't envisage uprooting myself again so resign myself to living with it. I don't know if this is possible. At least I have financial security if I stay (and as I slide into middle age). But it's like living with a dangerous toddler sometimes - not safe to even put a shelf up. I now think he will never stop drinking which I didn't think before so not sure where that leaves me.

@Needsomeadvice2234 i can relate to doing a “geographical”, I moved us out of London to aim to break all his unhealthy connections and habits, and then I almost moved us very rural as I thought that would put lots of barriers in front of my DH at the time - can’t just walk to shops for booze, no dealers just round the coroner, can’t drive if drunk so would have to drink less etc. I know now nothing would have stopped him.

Does the house belong to you both? Doesn’t sound like he can be financially contributing. Could you buy him out and cope with the running costs yourself? You don’t need to settle for this. If you are only “sliding towards middle age” then you are young! You deserve better.

Won't be able to buy him out for some years yet but at least I can save. He contributes nothing - financially or otherwise. If he kept busy with house renovations that would be OK but he always fucks something up/hurts himself/has a tantrum and it's too much drama. He won't listen to any suggestions and goes into a furious sulk if I snap at him. He's utterly incompetent. We bought the house jointly with our savings - the majority being his. I don't know how this would affect a divorce settlement- he also has a scary amount of personal debt which he won't deal with and tried to hide from me. It's such a mess I can't consider leaving at the moment.

It's frightening just typing this. But it's the truth.

A lawyer can advise but I know when we bought the house we were in when we separated I paid much more of the deposit. I thought we were both saving towards our goal of moving, turns out he was spending all his money and was £50k in debt. I was still in deep denial and full of hope myself at that stage and hadn’t let anyone else in, so no one was there to give me a shake. I just shored him up financially and ploughed on. When it came to our divorce the fact I had put more in to the house wasn’t considered as part of the settlement to my annoyance. But his debt was, which was an upside.

I bought him out as part of our divorce. I was so grateful to be able to as I know most aren’t as fortunate.

I know it’s frightening. Lots of us have been there. I’m so sorry.

I had glimpses @Needsomeadvice2234 and maybe why I stuck it out for as long as I can

the man I loved and adored. I look back at pics from 10yrs ago and think why /how did it go so wrong

I look at him now and no love at all. It’s not just his appearances. As in he’s lost weight - his face Looks sunken. Grey. Grown a beard

bur also his behaviour. He killed my love for him

you don’t have kids. Honestly get out while you can. Clean break

he’s not changing. You can’t make him not drink

taken me a very long time to reliese this

and it’s the shame and secrecy that stops many. The hiding and the lies

I don’t have that now. I’m blunt and say we split as he won’t stop drinking. Even tho he tells everyone I’m not drinking etc

it’s so obvious when he is

plus no one really wants to get divorced and start again and we cling on hoping things will change

that the last relapse was the last. They beg and cry and say they will stop and they are sorry

it’s not enough

there is no trust. I don’t trust his. There is no love.

I don’t went anything to happen to him as he is dc dad but that’s all there is left

I haven't told my family as too ashamed and have one broken marriage behind me already. First husband abused alcohol and then completely stopped and was/is sober 10 years later. Don't know why DH can't. Look back at pictures of DH from before I met him and he is literally unrecognisable- rugby pro and now a bloated mess. But I can't help him anymore. Just need to huckle down and get myself financially secure.

Please tell your family. I know it’s hard. I dreaded telling my dad. But I’m glad I did. I’m a grown woman of 52 and still felt nervous

there’s not a lot they can do but just knowing and being there if need a rant helps

same with friends - thank god have good supportive friends

Agree, please tell your family. Alcoholism thrives because of shame and secrecy. And remember, this isn’t your shame.

It was hard for me to do this too, but so much easier than I had feared it would be.

@Needsomeadvice2234 you may feel trapped in this situation but you aren't. He is bringing nothing to the table and he is making your life miserable. Tell your family -you have nothing to be ashamed of at all and having real life support will make such a difference. Your Dh isn't able to help with diy and in my own experience it will be a much better if he doesn't try. But the main issue is you are terribly unhappy and glimpses of who he could be aren't enough to create a happy life, because your reality is that he is a drunk, sullen, bloated mess. He is choosing drink and will probably continue to do so. I suggest seeing a solicitor and talking through your situation. Find out what your options are, because life is too short and precious to spend like this.

@Needsomeadvice2234 there's no shame in your past. It wasn't you who broke your first marriage - it was him with his addiction. And it's good that he found recovery, but that doesn't make it your fault that he drank while you were together, and that your current husband also drinks. We are predisposed to see patterns, and as women we are predisposed to take responsibility for our loved ones. That doesn't make us responsible.

Work towards your exit. It will take as long as it takes. Try not to consider his future, only yours. After that you can start work on yourself to see why it is that you are attracted to men with addictions - maybe there's a reason, and maybe there isn't.

Thank you and everyone on here. I am planning my exit (and my lovely Ddog). I know in reality it will take time but I can bide my time and save. Once I'm out of this mess I will simply be happy to be by myself. That will be a rare luxury and I cannot wait for the peace it will bring. I'm done worrying about him and his drinking - I'm not even going to question it or try and work around it - I'm totally disconnecting from it. Working and the house will keep me busy enough. But always have my eye on the horizon for when I can escape..

@Needsomeadvice2234 wishing you the very best and I hope it works out for you sooner rather than later. Do keep posting on here. We've all been where you are now and we are all to aware of how hard, and even impossible, it can seem to find a way forward. But you will get there. x

I place marked here back in January in a haze of upset, fear, anger etc. My Dad had just been admitted to hospital after having a large haemorrhagic stroke after years of alcohol abuse finally caught up with him. I was devastated. We thought he was going to die. He spent two months in hospital recovering, finally returning home seemingly a changed man. I was positive that he had been given a second chance and he would embrace it. We have slowly been rebuilding some form of relationship and we've even had some laughs and days out.

I found out yesterday from the local shop keeper that he had been in buying alcohol last week. I felt like a rug had been pulled from under me. I walked with my little boy to the park afterwards with him asking me 'what did that man say about my granda?' with tears choking me whilst I was trying to tell him that I didn't know what the man was talking about.

I feel like we're just getting started and it's going to be like losing him all over again and I can't cope. There's so much more to the story but that's a brief run down of my most recent turmoil.

@eyeofthestorm1 I am so very sorry. It's the hope that gets you every time, isn't it?

The best you can do is grieve, step back, protect yourself and find that elusive acceptance that is so vital when you have an addict in your life. Have you sought any support from either Al-Anon or SMART Family & Friends? Being with people who have walked in your shoes really helps. Also keep posting here.

Remember, everything you feel is valid. The sorrow, the anger that he's throwing away his recovery, your need to help him get it back even though you can't - all of those feelings are permitted. Sit with them and let them happen. It's a long road and a hard one, but you will find your way. Focus on your boy - he has to be your priority now, not your dad.

@pointythingsI can’t go through it again, it’s too painful. I’ve spent years and years thinking that I hate him and he’s going to die one day and just trying to get on with my life but when I was faced with the reality of him dying it opened up a can of worms and feelings I hadn’t faced for a long time. But this news has knocked me. I’m not sure why, it’s probably more surprising that it took him almost 7 months to make the trip to the shop but I really thought that we had come out the other side. Apparently (this may or may not be true) his stroke nurse had a phone contact with him and gave him some very general advice that occasional alcohol would be safe. That was his green light and probably something that he has been waiting for.

I haven’t had any support at all, I’ve never reached out for support. I told a close friend that he was an alcoholic when he was unwell. I didn’t feel I had a choice as he was being treated in a ward that I used to work in, had worked with his consultants and nurses. It was traumatic seeing him like that but having this witnessed by people I have professional relationships with. I have been looking at counselling but unsure if it would help or where to even start. I’m scared that I just sit in her room and I can’t speak, just cry. It’s very strange because I’ve had dreams since he’s been home that he’s drinking again and I’m panicked and trying to get him away from it. The panic is now very real.

Did his stroke nurse know of his history with alcohol? Because if she did, that was incredibly irresponsible of her.

If you are still working within the health service, is there a staff wellbeing support service you could access as a first stop? Because this is massively traumatic for you, and you should not have to be carrying it all by yourself. Relapse is a normal part of recovery, but you have had seven months of living in hope knocked into a heap and you need help.

And you don't have to get involved with his chaos this time. You are allowed to refuse to see him if he's been drinking. You don't have to step in if his drinking spirals again and his life goes out of control. Build a safe distance for yourself.

@pointythings If she did say that, and it’s a big IF then I’m going to assume she does not know he has a long history of alcoholism. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is a story because someone else is always to blame. It does however sound like the very general advice given to stroke patients.

I still work within healthcare and could access their counselling service but the waiting list is months long and is very basic. I was thinking I would find a private counseller but I’m unsure what I really want from it. Ultimately I just want somebody to tell me it will stop but nobody can give me that. I want them to tell me it’s okay to never see him again but I don’t think I would cope with the guilt. Deep down I’m probably scared of what they will tell me, that I have been affected by a lifetime of watching my parent slowly kill himself because I’ve never wanted to be affected and I’ve blocked it all out but this is just too much now. My little boy is four and does have contact with my dad through me and my mum but I can’t have my dad drag us all down with him this time and I don’t want my little boy to go through even a small amount of what I’ve seen in my lifetime.

All those 'can't' and 'want' and 'don't want' might come from shock and grief but you're actually doing something positive here. You're working out in your own head what you want to do next and setting your boundaries. Counselling might be helpful just so you can clarify in your own head exactly what you need to happen next -the course that will cause least distress to yourself and your son. You're in the best position to know what will work for you and what you can cope with, whether that is reduced contact or none.

@CharlotteByrdethank you. I am struggling to understand where I go from here. I don’t feel like I can cope at all just now.