Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

Hello - is it OK if I join this thread? I am dealing with my elderly mother’s newish(?)-onset alcoholism, which I discovered 10 months ago after a period of wondering whether she had dementia. (Nope, she was just pissed).

We live next door, having moved closer when she was widowed, as she said she wanted to spend more time with DC. It’s turned into a total nightmare.

Is anyone else dealing with an elderly alcoholic parent? I’m so stuck trying to navigate my responsibilities to her as my ageing parent, vs the pull towards codependency and my absolute fucking rage that she’s putting herself in so many fucking stupid and dangerous situations. Argh!

@Queenie8 sorry that you are in this situation. First advice is call the police if you are scared. My experience was that they took it seriously, and it may buy you some breathing space. The second it to contact Women’s Aid for information on how to safely get him out or move yourself.

I second calling the police if he gets aggressive. It's abusive behaviour. Having it on the record will help if he escalates, and will be useful if you end up needing an occupation order.

@voltairemittydream I have been where you are now and will reply in more detail tonight.

@Queenie8 definitely call the police. I had to do this when exDP and I lived together with our now 2.5yo DD. He was drunk and behaving erratically and I just didn’t feel comfortable or safe. He refused to leave the house so I called the police, they removed him. The tenancy was in my name, but he told them it was his house aswell. They said it wouldn’t matter even if it was, they could still remove him as there was a child present, and that I had done the right thing in prioritising her safety.

My DD said that she almost called the police on bank holiday Monday. I've told her not to hesitate next time.

ExDP is very subtle, will start mouthing off and when I walk away switch to sending messages to me. Which means I have proof of his harassment and intimidation.

I don't want to leave my home, we'll not until it's sold. My DC can walk to school and their friends. I can and will go to my parents but it's 10 miles away and will isolate the DC.

ExDP hasn't crossed a legal line yet but I know it is coming.

Ironically I left my ex husband because of domestic violence and the fear is back, the not sleeping, watching the clock guessing when he'll be home. He goes to the pub everyday and isn't home until 10pm at the earliest daily. So we just all go to bed early enough to avoid him. But he's caught me off guard by coming home earlier this weekend and last.

@Queenie8 and @MamaBear81 -and anyone else in similar situations , that sound scary

as annoying as ex dh is drunk and sending messsges etc - he’s never been physically abusive or me scared of him. But yes call the police

yes I would walk on eggs shells not knowing what mood /how shouting he would be - but I’ve never been scared

@Queenie8 do you have brothers, dad, uncles, friends that could help you out? And don’t want to sound sexist but if you asked him to leave and told him why in the presence of 2-3 burly men who reinforce you, protect you and help him pack a bag and leave quietly when the children are out? Might be an option before the police if you are worried about escalation but I also agree with PPs if he is threatening and your safety and the safety of minors is at risk I wouldn’t hesitate to call the police.

What an awful situation, I am so sorry.

Ditto, my ex-H was a self pitying drunk rather than an aggressive one and I was grateful for small mercies.

@Penguinsandspaniels I have only previously been scared by him when he's drunk and argumentative. And it was only twice in the preceding 12 years. Now it's been twice in 2 weeks. It's when he's drunk and he feels wronged that I've ended our relationship. He cannot see rationally, sober or drunk that I can end our relationship for any reason or no reason.

I'm scared because he's unpredictable, he's a foot taller than me and twice my weight and some more. He's never been violent to me before but there's always a first time, and that's what I want to avoid.

@Addictforanex no brothers, and my Dad whilst a presence and authoritive is very unwell. Burly males are joint friends and I don't want to involve them if at all possible.

I will call the police if/when it happens again.

I'm also speaking to a friend of mine who is a police officer (wrong force) for advice today, and will log with my local force if they suggest to. (So that there is a marker on my address, I had to have this at my previous address due to ex husband and having him removed twice)

I think I'm just frozen by fear and shame surrounding history repeating itself 😭

@VoltaireMittyDream sounds so tough. No direct experience of an alcoholic parent but am sure someone else on the thread will.

My general advice would be to ask her to speak to her GP, point her in the direction of support, and to not engage in an “enabling” activity as much as you can help it. Don’t shield her from her consequences (too drunk to see the GC, get the shopping in etc, too bad, as hard as it is). Reassure her you will help her once she starts to help herself. And maybe Al-Anon for you, although I never used them directly myself? NACOA have some good resources too.

@Penguinsandspaniels my exDP has never been physically violent either, but while drunk he did make threats. He once threatened to break my nose when I took away a bottle of vodka he had snuck in, and tipped it down the sink.
With him it was mostly just very erratic, unpredictable behaviour - locking himself in the bathroom with a belt around his neck threatening to hang himself because I refused to give him money for more drink.
It just wasn’t behaviour I would tolerate our DD witnessing. And there was always a chance that one day, the threats may escalate and be carried out - not a risk I was willing to take.

Oh the self pity and woe of me is pathetic and rather funny

So you had a 1st dh who was an alcoholic ?

same. Tho he was a pussy cat and just would cuddle on the sofa and get nice drunk

I do wonder how the hell I managed to marry 2 lovely men who both ended up being alcoholic ffs

def not getting married a third time

tho need to sort our divorce first

That sounds awful. Dh isn’t like that. If anything what he says when drunk is a lot of crap and very shouty but quite frankly he hasn’t the balls to kill his self or play mind games. Thankfully

@Penguinsandspaniels no my ex husband was violent. It started when I was on maternity with my first DC. And I didn't leave, because of shame and fear.

I have done everything right this time, had strong boundaries, called out BS, I'm financially independent but exDP is an alcoholic, albeit functional (it was hidden from me pretty well, until I ended our relationship)

Thank you, @Addictforanex . It's such a delicate balance between respecting her autonomy and safeguarding.

She needs not to be driving anymore (she's come home a couple of times with damage to her car, and denies any knowledge of what happened, like a child). But where we live there is not a way of reporting her anonymously to the driving authorities. And she lives in the middle of nowhere.

I have spoken to her several times about her drinking, and have pointed her in the direction of help, and she keeps telling me she doesn't need it, can stop on her own, it's just a nasty habit, etc etc. The usual. She has sober periods of a few weeks at a time, but when she's back on it she'll put away nearly a litre of vodka a day, and she's this tiny little 8 stone old lady. It's awful.

She's pleaded with me not to tell anyone. But it's too much for me to carry this on my own, and at this stage her doctor really needs to know, as she's on a lot of medications that will interact badly with alcohol, and frequently has abnormal liver results when she has bloodwork done.

This is the sort of thing that nobody who knows her would believe, as she has always been the by-the-book, people-pleasing, everybody's favourite confidante type.

I can't shake the irrational feeling that if I'd been a more attentive daughter to her in her old age, none of this would be happening - but it felt so clear to me once we had moved here that she would consume my entire life if she could, and I have a DC with SEN who needs 24/7 support from me as well. I just don't have the bandwidth to be all things to all people.

I am trying to detach with love but fucking hell it's hard when she's on my bloody doorstep.

@VoltaireMittyDream Ah, I'm sorry. I've been there too. Well, my mother was in her early sixties but had basically made herself elderly and disabled through drink.

I'll let others step in on some of the things you've mentioned. You'll find lots of great advice here, not to mention kindness.

But I will just say that none of this is your fault. Rationally, you know it's not your fault. But I understand that the feeling is still there. It sounds like this has all come as a big shock. You've got a lot on your plate already and this, on top, is frankly shit. You're absolutely within your rights to be extremely pissed off, as well as worried.

Have you got people IRL to talk to? I wouldn't worry for a second about keeping her secret (although it's easy for me to say that now – I kept the secret for decades). That's one of the worst things about alcoholics – the secrets. They demand secrecy from us and we often go along with it, to our own detriment. If there's someone else there who you can trust and rely on, please do tell them what's going on. You cannot carry this alone and it's not fair to expect you to.

@VoltaireMittyDream That is such a tough situation, particularly as you are living next door. It must be a massive strain.. My only suggestion would be to contact her GP and include the fact she is driving drunk. Better she loses her licence than injures or kills someone. Keeping her drinking secret isn't helpful for anyone, including your mum, so I would let other close relatives and friends know.

@VoltaireMittyDream my mother also drove drunk. She was also a little 8 stone woman who would sink a litre of vodka every day. She drank herself into full on Korsakoff's dementia within 18 months of my father's death - though she had been drinking heavily from the time he had to move into nursing care.

My sister and I also talked to her GP about the drink driving, and she had neighbours who ended up calling the police when she rocked up behind the wheel, got out of her car and promptly fell over because she was so drunk. They took her car away that day.

If there is anything you can do to stop her driving, do it. Beyond that, you are allowed to set boundaries. You are allowed to not see her or speak to her unless she is sober. My Dsis and I regularly hung up the phone on her when she answered and was clearly drunk.

The main thing to remember is that you cannot stop her drinking. All you can do is whatever is possible to protect your own sanity.

I’m so sorry, @pointythings and @amlie8 for your similar experiences.

I am speaking to my mother’s sister shortly, to tell her my concerns. This will be the first person I’ve told, and it feels like such a betrayal of confidence. My mother’s reputation has always been so important to her - this will be a really horrible blow.

She also genuinely doesn’t seem to believe she drives under the influence. If I have her license taken away she will feel I have done it vexatiously to take away her independence.

And she can’t live all the way out here without a car, so we will need to think about moving her somewhere in town.

So much to think about. SO much. 😩

@VoltaireMittyDream addiction thrives on secrecy. Addiction forces its friends and family to hide and suffer alone. That isn't acceptable - you do not owe your mother secrecy.

@VoltaireMittyDream Telling her sister isn't a betrayal of confidence. Her drinking is affecting you and your family and you have every right to tell other family members that you are struggling. As @pointythings points out, you don't owe your mother secrecy, particularly in this situation. Also, alcoholics will swear black is white. You know she is driving under the influence and her denials are meaningless.

@VoltaireMittyDream God that all sounds so incredibly difficult. You are not betraying her trust by talking to your aunt. I can only see now how protecting my mothers reputation was detrimental to my own MH. The lies I told to protect her.

I now speak to my aunts when I am concerned about her, even though I will still lie about quantities I find. - They are so shocked by the volumes I do mention I feel I can't say more.

Get real life help though. Let others help you with the burden. Obviously not drink driving, but other lies she tell you I would just take them as she says them. You do not have the capacity to untangle her mess of lies.

@amlie8 my mum is the same, she is 58 and is like a frail old woman. I drove her and my great aunt home after a party recently. My aunt, 83, had danced and enjoyed her night then off in she went. My mum sat all night, then shuffled into her house. She hadn't drank much at the party, but I know she will have made up for that once she got into her house.