Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

The way you feel right now is why it is so important for you to seek support right now.
https://smartrecovery.org.uk/smart_family__friends/

I had a search based on my location - meetings seem to be mostly online, but actually the relative anonymity of that might be helpful to you. I cannot overstate the importance of getting support from people who understand what life is like with an addict in it. It's a unique blend of chaos, drama, lies and self deception, and as the relative it's horrifying to have to navigate. You're completely in the thick of it. Don't try to do it alone.

@pointythings Thank you. There are no meetings near me but I may be able to try online. Hopefully I can sit and listen because I don’t know how well I would be able to articulate that I just feel that I’m living under a cloud just now. It’s completely helpless and I can feel that we’re all away to be dragged through a nightmare watching him. I have been meaning to get in touch with a local counsellor all day but have put it off.

Every single person I know in the support group I now run (which saved my sanity when I was in the thick of it with my late husband's alcohol addiction) spent the first session or more just listening. It's normal and expected, and you won't be judged for it. It's also helpful because it's a time for you to let it sink in that you are not alone. Just that can bring a little light into the situation you are now in.

@pointythings thank you ❤️

@Addictforanex and @Zebracat - Gosh, your messages made me feel like you know me! You have both totally called my personality correctly. I have, and have always been, someone that swoops in and tries to solve other people’s problems or ‘fix them’. As Zebracat pointed out, probably out of some hope to change the ending this time as the child of an alcoholic. Without outing myself, my entire professional career has also been in a helping/advocate/campaigning role, so problem solving and people pleasing is me. I will definitely read ‘co dependent no more’.

i’ve been really struggling the past couple of weeks. Ex did a medically managed home withdrawal (first time he has done a home one, multiple inpatient rehabs with relapses soon after) and my hope and anxiety and worry are in overload. I know it won’t last, he’s already struggling and potentially lapsed in the context of some legal stress (but there is always always a reason and an excuse, so if not that, it would have been something else), but wouldn’t have told me as currently he would like to win me back with sobriety. He’s just indicated that every day is a battle full of cravings (acamprosate working no better than naltrexone) and that having failed four or five times already, he doesn’t think he can succeed this time. Writing on the wall or sensibly realistic?

I would so like him to get out of this hell of his addiction. Not for us as the ship has sailed, I literally can’t put myself through the hell and chaos again. But I would like him to be him again, to repair family and friendships, to be a Dad to his children. I can’t fix him, but if only I could get rid of the agonising hope for him to get addiction under control. I’m mentally and physically unwell again, just from the worry of another relapse. It genuinely was easier when he was on 30 units daily and full of pity and resentment. Why can’t I detach myself?

I completely understand how you are feeling @Nogoodusername. I have been/ am going through something similar. I still find myself dragged back to worrying about my ex on occasions - like when I first posted on here when I found out about his liver diagnosis. Especially because he is the father of my children and I want to protect them - I’m resigned to the fact his life span is severely limited now - and the fact that my children are going to have to go to their fathers funeral at some point, possibly before they finish high school. I look back at baby photos and feel so guilty that this is who I chose to be their father.

BUT, I am so much more detached than I used to be. What helped me was generally putting him out of my mind. I have lots going on and no real room to worry about him too, and any energy I spend there is pulled from things and people that do matter - my kids, my partner, my job, my fitness, my home, my friends - that all deserves my time 100X more. Also years of realizing that whether I worry or not, the outcome doesn’t change. I also wish for HIM that he would recover and not waste his potential….. well he either will or won’t and I can’t control that.

Mindfulness is supposed to help with unhealthy worry because it grounds you in the present, and worry is all about the future - what if what if etc. Worth trying a couple of tracks lying in bed before going to sleep if that’s your thing.

I am also a practical person - so when I find myself spiraling on what would happen in x or y scenario, I get practical. What happens if his liver fails and he is admitted to ICU and given 5 days to live? Well I make a to do list in my head, the people I’d call, the email id write to the school, the time id take off work. I even know how we’d travel and where we would stay, even what I would pack/ wear! Sounds mad, pls don’t judge!

Don't know if any of this helps, but pls know you are not alone.

Thanks @Addictforanex, I needed to hear that (or read that!) today. I was really good in the period over the summer that we were no contact (because he was so angry and abusive when I ended the relationship). I felt free and light and was able to focus on my own life - which is busy and full with an emotionally demanding job, two teens, one in an exam year and one autistic etc. I really embraced the ‘can’t control/ can’t cure’ messaging and accepted that it is his journey and his decisions were his alone.

But it’s almost like now I know he is trying to get sober again (following months in relapse since last rehab), I feel drawn back in to the hope and worry and despair. Sitting on my hands not to swoop in and fix. Which is just so annoying as I am in such a better position to walk away than most of you - no shared children. Gah! Mindfulness sounds good! I haven’t gone to SMART friends and family for a while so should do that.

My mantra today is going to be: the outcome won’t change no matter how much I worry, all that I will do is harm myself and be a less present mother/ friend/ colleague in the process

It sounds as if you are pulling it together again. Unfortunately this is the roller coaster of life with an addict, even if they are an ex.

FWIW I relate to your experience of having one's addict in one's head. I was like that after he moved out - not a day went by that I didn't think about him, worry about him, wonder whether he was drinking, catastrophised about how I would feel if I got that fateful phone call from the police to tell me he was dead. It reduced a little when my eldest DC ended up in hospital with unexplained major abdo pain and despite me keeping him updated via text, I got not a single squeaky of a response. That made me angry enough to let some of it go.

But it didn't end until the day I actually did get that fateful phone call from the police.

It's because we're empathetic human beings -it's natural to worry about someone we once loved/still love whose life is crumbling to bits. But you're right that worrying won't change the outcome. It certainly didn't for me and I wish I'd spent less time worrying about him and more headspace focusing on my kids' needs at the time.

I’m so cross with myself for so many reasons! I had a childhood blighted by addiction (my Dad). I was so sensible and ran away from anyone with addiction issues in my early relationships. I married and had children with a man that was practically teetotal. Who is still a wonderful, present, caring parent even if we weren’t compatible as people in a relationship. HOW did I choose an addict (at one stage alcohol and coke, in the past 6 months ‘just’ the 30 units daily of alcohol) for my first post separation relationship?? To be fair to me, we have known each other our whole lives, and I met him at the stage of functioning alcoholism that he at first tricked me wasn’t alcoholism at all. He was functional until he wasn’t, and then it was a drastic slide that has never stopped sliding.

But it’s so true, I may have to come to terms with the fact that he is never not going to be in my head in some form, even though it makes me mad that I can’t shut off.

I often imagine that call and how I will cope - what will I do, how will I function, what if it’s a day where my teen with autism is having an overwhelmed day, will I be able to pull it together at work etc. After we broke up, I told his almost only remaining close friend, that if at some stage he has to tell me, I don’t want a phonecall - I want a text so I can be shocked and devastated by myself before I speak to anyone.

I feel a bit lighter today. I finally contacted a counseller and I’m meeting him next week. I panicked because it was a man but have checked him out fully and I think it will be okay, time will tell. Had a very long chat with my husband last night which helped. Have listed to podcasts endorsed by NACOA. My mum has confirmed that dad is drinking every day, trying to cover it up but it’s daily again and I know deep down there won’t be any coming back from that. I hope counselling will help me make peace with it? Now I know that it’s daily and he isn’t asking for help the panic has kind of subsided, I was feeling very conflicted and thinking of ways I could stop him and pull him out of it but I know that it’s impossible and it’s gone too far already and it’s only been days (we think).

I think the path of coming to terms and making peace is the right way to go. Acceptance is incredibly powerful.

@Nogoodusername . I’m a fixer too. I had a long and difficult career in Social work without any insight that it was my own family I wanted to fix .
Do everything possible to protect you. This man’s had loads of opportunities and wasted them all . There’s a song by the Rails called Save the Planet. The chorus is “save the planet, kill yourself” , which I thought was a bit harsh until I understood it in this context . Save yourself.

@Nogoodusername I'm a doer, a fixer, a planner, a motivator....nothing has helped my DH face his demons. Now I fear I'm simply an enabler even if that is me just ignoring his stash of vodka and turning a blind eye when he passes out waiting for dinner on the sofa. Annoyingly he is, drunk or sober, one of the nicest, sweetest human beings I have ever met despite our disputes over petty things. If he was a c*nt it would be easier I think.

Ignoring him and his drinking because you are powerless to do anything about it isn't enabling. It's detaching. Sometimes it's all you've got.

You can't do, fix, plan, motivate him. All you can do is protect yourself.

@Needsomeadvice2234. You're just trying to get through your day as calmly as you can manage. Taking his stash and pouring it down the sink wouldn't help. Believe me, I tried.

Agreed. I only ever did that once - that was after DC and I had had a night of respite away from him, staying with friends who were fully aware of what was going on. He wasn't invited and I told him so.

When we got back, he clumsily hid a litre bottle of cheap vodka behind the sofa and dashed upstairs. I poured it out because he had promised not to drink while still at home with us (he was deliberately delaying finding a place).

Obviously he had booze stashed elsewhere, because the night after that was the one where he threatened to kill me and was removed by the police.

Pouring it away made me feel better for about 30 seconds though.

Thanks for this - just feel complicit sometimes because he's so shit at hiding things I always find it! I've never poured things away as it would trigger disruption and achieve nothing. I like to face things head on - he doesn't so it feels unnatural not to challenge him but it just wouldn't work.....

There were a few times I poured wine and vodka down the sink. All it did was escalate the situation. Unfortunately my husband was also very controlling and detachment didn’t work, he would rant and rave at me until I gave in and paid him attention, or I am afraid to say bought him booze. It was a horrible cycle than even now 18 months out and almost a year after his death makes me feel sick.

I don’t know now even with the calm of distance from it all what I could have done differently.

I tried that too once. I got punched.

I wonder if it would be ok if I joined you lovely people. I have just recently discovered my mum (mid 70s) is drinking 2 bottles of wine a day. Starting around lunchtime. My poor dad seems devastated and confused how this situation has come about. She is now having tests and scans to check liver function. But is in complete denial about it all.

Hi @Swoosh80 you're very welcome. Sorry to hear about your mum. As you'll probably realise. if you've read some of our posts, there is nothing you can do to stop your mum drinking. And I am sure your dad does feel confused -for many of us it came as a huge shock to realise that our loved one was an alcoholic. Keep posting because online support from people with similar experiences can be a huge comfort. Real-life support could be even more valuable, for both you and your dad, so if there are any local groups for the families of alcoholics it might be helpful to get in touch.

Thank you for your kind post. online support is amazing. I don’t know if we could ever do in person support as if she was to find out she would be very annoyed and upset

I am so confused how she can seem so relatively well. She is more confused these days , like she has some dementia. But other than that she doesn’t really appear to be unwell. Still very active. I don’t quite understand how she can function at all after drinking 2 bottles of wine every day.

I haven’t told my children (teenagers) and I don’t know if I should. We don’t see her as much as I do feel uncomfortable about the fact she often is drinking wine whenever we visit.

i do understand really that it is not something I can do anything about. But I don’t think my dad understands that sadly

You and your dad have no power to make her change. Telling her she is an alcoholic is futile; she is in denial her addiction is in control.

Drinking at that level at her age is dangerous. She is taking in 140 units a week. My mother did similar at a similar age and drank herself into full blown Wernicke- Korsakoff's within 2 years. Her early signs of dementia may well be due to alcohol.

All you and your dad can do is care for yourselves and each other.