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Alcohol support

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Original poster

When an alcoholic has no family and near the end

202 replies

dutchTulips · 09/08/2024 12:50

I’m in a situation that I am the closest person to someone in what I think is end stage.
His ex-wife is estranged from him and she also changed the phone numbers of their two adult children in their 20’s.
I’ve given significant support, taken him to A&E twice, to the dr, spoken multiple times with his affection counsellor, with social care and with the local Mental Health team.

But the resources are so stretched for support. There just isn’t enough help available.

This is going to be a situation that he will die at some point in this year, utterly alone, house completely wrecked, and one of these services will find him days later.

I care a lot about him. What do I do? Part of me feels I should attempt to contact his adult children and let them know of the severity, and especially what they can do - reach out to him and let him know that they miss him, care about him and would like to have contact of some sort. I know he is longing for that.

Or do I just leave him in the hands of social care and mental health?

It is so upsetting to see. I saw him on Sunday. He was naked from the waist down and no awareness of his nakedness, he barely recognised me, he was clearly incubated.
He is no longer using his phone. He isn’t changing it.

He used to be my partner, so I loved him very much. I still do. But when I realised how bad his addiction to alcohol was, I said to him gently that he needed to focus on his health first, as a priority, get support and treatment for alcoholism, rather than pursue a relationship.

But I can’t just walk away knowing that both his parents died, he has no siblings, his ex-wife absolutely hates him and turned both children against him too. The three of them have all unfollowed/friended him in social media. But all of this is coming from the mother, not the children.

What do I do? There is no such thing as NHS rehab. What about a care home?
He has no food in his house and no ability to look after himself. Even simple things like put laundry in the washing machine.
I think he is close to death. Rotten laundry in the washing machine, malnourished, weak and living on vodka.
I don’t even know if he will make another trip to the grocery store to restock his vodka.

I spoke to the mental health team on Sunday night and they said that they were going to send an ambulance for a welfare check. That never happened.
I drove to his house last night. I cried on my way there, not knowing what I was going to find. He was alive but passed out on the sofa. The mental health team then phoned me to find out what I saw, they advised me to step out of the house as not to put myself at risk and they said they would phone an ambulance as his life was at immediate risk.

What do I do? I just cannot walk away knowing that there is not a single other person who will check if he is ok.

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 09/08/2024 13:00

That's sad, I suspect he is in hospital now if the mh team called an ambulance. His children may not want to see him, try and find out where he is first and let the staff deal with this. You have to think about your own welfare to, do you want to be his only support ? There will be lots to do if he's in hospital or passes and that's a lot for one person to do.

Trebol · 09/08/2024 13:02

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request

Searchingforthelight · 09/08/2024 13:05

Call social services.
don’t bother his children. As the adult child of an alcoholic, I must ask why do you assume they miss him/ care about him: want contact with him?
it’s likely his alcoholism turned them ‘against’ him, and they are preserving themselves by staying the heck away from him.
do what you want to assist, but don’t go dragging others inappropriately into the situation

theemmadilemma · 09/08/2024 13:06

There is NHS rehab, but it's at home and he would need someone with him 24/7 for care during the 10 day period.

If you want to know more let me know, I've been through the process.

LindorDoubleChoc · 09/08/2024 13:06

So sorry you are in this situation OP it sounds absolutely horrific. However, I don't think you can presume to know what his adult children think and feel. Whatever you do, don't tell them that they must contact him and offer loving support!

In your position, I would simply let them know the facts and warn them that his death is imminent.

As to your ex partner - if he doesn't pass away very soon and gets discharged from hospital, you could try the Salvation Army? They can and do look after serious alcoholics, presumably at the end of life too.

Arlott · 09/08/2024 13:07

His children are adults, and I find it interesting that you say their mother changed their phone numbers. You can’t do this to another adult, and I assume they know where he is. You seem to hate his ex wife who it seems to me has taken sensible steps to protect herself from him.

however that’s by the by. I’m sorry for you but I expect if they called him an ambulance he will be in hospital now

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 09/08/2024 13:08

his ex-wife absolutely hates him and turned both children against him too. The three of them have all unfollowed/friended him in social media. But all of this is coming from the mother, not the children.

So shes done this? Not his prioritising alcohol over them? Guessing that's his words? I wonder what life was like with him.

What's happening is of course very sad, but to perpetuate it's all the exs fault is very wrong.

hazandduck · 09/08/2024 13:08

I can feel how much you care for him but you sound very harshly judgemental of his ex, she did not ‘turn them against him’ she probably was trying to do her best to protect them from
an alcoholic parent, I say that as a child of an alcoholic who now knows I would go through hell and high water to shield my own children from
experiencing what I did. And sometimes cutting off an alcoholic is the only course to preserve your own health, his children are probably deeply damaged by his behaviour.

CeruleanDive · 09/08/2024 13:09

What you don't do in a try to involve his adult children. As they are in their 20s it is their decision to have no contact with him, whatever you think about their mother's actions. Your determination that their mother has broken their contact with him is odd. Presumably they grew up with him, and they have every right to stay away now.

It is a very sad situation, but if you choose to be involved then please find any support from a source other than his children. Imagine seeing him in this state after a childhood overshadowed by his addiction.

Georgie743 · 09/08/2024 13:09

I'm really sorry to hear this. But his adult children can make the choice not to have a relationship.

did their mother 'turn them against him' or did she (sensibly) try to protect them from the effects of his addiction?

it's terribly sad he's drunk himself to (near) death, but it's also terribly sad the way children of addicts - who have no choice - can be screwed up for life because of their parents addiction.

presumably if they wanted to have a relationship, they would.

SisterAgatha · 09/08/2024 13:15

I agree that she may not have turned the children against him. As the child of an alcoholic I can tell you I suffered for many years as a result of someone elses addiction which I could not escape from as the sufferer was my primary care giver, and the course of my life changed forever. They may well have decided to start looking after themselves and their own wellbeing now that they are old enough not to be dependant on someone who doesn’t put their interests first, instead of being beholden to someone else’s addiction: as you are now.

Even if she did change her adult childrens phone numbers (they could still have contacted him if they wished to btw) let’s not blame her for protecting her children.

its your choice what you do. You can be as involved as little or as much as you like. Do what feels right for you.

ApolloandDaphne · 09/08/2024 13:16

I would not try and contact his family. It sounds like they had good reason to turn their back on him. It sounds very much as if he is almost at the end of life. You have done all you can and you need to protect yourself.

MargotEmin · 09/08/2024 13:17

But all of this is coming from the mother, not the children.

Bollocks

Domoda · 09/08/2024 13:19

The first thing is, he needs hospital care. Can you check again if the ambulance came, and if not, call one again?
Think about the rest later.

ProvincialLady2024 · 09/08/2024 13:20

As the child of an alcoholic- don't contact them.
You can't be an alcoholic and a good parent. I expect his ex and children did their best but no one can beg, bribe or force someone into sobriety. The bets throng they could have done for themselves is to walk away.

SisterAgatha · 09/08/2024 13:21

Just to say too, if you do decide to contact the children please do not say “he’s still your father” or insult their mother who presumably also suffered at the hands of this man’s addiction, or invalidate the pain he may have inflicted on them.

Keep it factual.

Cozylozy · 09/08/2024 13:21

Now is not the time to apportion blame, his actions will have had a detrimental impact no doubt on all his loved ones.
A terribly sad situation unfortunately but I do not blame his relatives for stepping away

CrumpledBankNote · 09/08/2024 13:23

Can't you ring an ambulance directly yourself OP?

Eyesopenwideawake · 09/08/2024 13:23

SisterAgatha · 09/08/2024 13:21

Just to say too, if you do decide to contact the children please do not say “he’s still your father” or insult their mother who presumably also suffered at the hands of this man’s addiction, or invalidate the pain he may have inflicted on them.

Keep it factual.

Absolutely this. They need to know he's dying and then be left to make their own choices. Not informing them means they have no choice.

SisterAgatha · 09/08/2024 13:24

MargotEmin · 09/08/2024 13:17

But all of this is coming from the mother, not the children.

Bollocks

Exactly. And. With due respect, is it the mother currently half naked and near death from her drinking? No… she’s out of it and alive. All of this is coming from the addiction

BobbyBiscuits · 09/08/2024 13:25

If he's having liver disease then he should be in hospital. At least when he's there they will detox him and he won't be able to obtain booze. Can you literally call an ambulance and be there and persuade him to go into hospital. He may be too frail now to say no. But he will probably protest out of fear of withdrawal. They'll give him benzos for that once he's there.

Motnight · 09/08/2024 13:25

SisterAgatha · 09/08/2024 13:15

I agree that she may not have turned the children against him. As the child of an alcoholic I can tell you I suffered for many years as a result of someone elses addiction which I could not escape from as the sufferer was my primary care giver, and the course of my life changed forever. They may well have decided to start looking after themselves and their own wellbeing now that they are old enough not to be dependant on someone who doesn’t put their interests first, instead of being beholden to someone else’s addiction: as you are now.

Even if she did change her adult childrens phone numbers (they could still have contacted him if they wished to btw) let’s not blame her for protecting her children.

its your choice what you do. You can be as involved as little or as much as you like. Do what feels right for you.

I agree with this. It is almost definitely the case that the children were not turned against their father by their mother but chose to put themselves first. It's the first rule of being a child of an alcoholic.

I wish you all the best Op, you sound like a kind and generous person.

Original poster
dutchTulips · 09/08/2024 13:26

Thank you for the replies. I will make sure that I don’t contact the children.
For those who asked why I would consider it, I am close with my own family and although there is no alcoholism, I find it hard to imagine that someone is one their own and essentially going to die on their own.
There is no hatred from me towards anyone. It’s a helpless situation.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 09/08/2024 13:28

dutchTulips · 09/08/2024 13:26

Thank you for the replies. I will make sure that I don’t contact the children.
For those who asked why I would consider it, I am close with my own family and although there is no alcoholism, I find it hard to imagine that someone is one their own and essentially going to die on their own.
There is no hatred from me towards anyone. It’s a helpless situation.

Exactly, YOU find it hard to imagine
I imagine plenty of us with an alcoholic or other type of abusive parnet can easily imagine not wanting anything to do with a parent.
If you want to let his DC know he's near the end fair enough but just be factual and dial back the emotive language and emotional blackmail.
They may know, they just may not care

SanctuaryCity · 09/08/2024 13:31

If you want to play saviour to a dying alcoholic then that’s your choice but don’t try to guilt his children into it too. You seem incredibly judgemental about what his ex and children have done to distance themselves from him. You have no idea of the horrors that he has put them through and they are perfectly entitled to cut him out of their lives entirely.