When an alcoholic has no family and near the end

[dutchTulips]

I’m in a situation that I am the closest person to someone in what I think is end stage.
His ex-wife is estranged from him and she also changed the phone numbers of their two adult children in their 20’s.
I’ve given significant support, taken him to A&E twice, to the dr, spoken multiple times with his affection counsellor, with social care and with the local Mental Health team.

But the resources are so stretched for support. There just isn’t enough help available.

This is going to be a situation that he will die at some point in this year, utterly alone, house completely wrecked, and one of these services will find him days later.

I care a lot about him. What do I do? Part of me feels I should attempt to contact his adult children and let them know of the severity, and especially what they can do - reach out to him and let him know that they miss him, care about him and would like to have contact of some sort. I know he is longing for that.

Or do I just leave him in the hands of social care and mental health?

It is so upsetting to see. I saw him on Sunday. He was naked from the waist down and no awareness of his nakedness, he barely recognised me, he was clearly incubated.
He is no longer using his phone. He isn’t changing it.

He used to be my partner, so I loved him very much. I still do. But when I realised how bad his addiction to alcohol was, I said to him gently that he needed to focus on his health first, as a priority, get support and treatment for alcoholism, rather than pursue a relationship.

But I can’t just walk away knowing that both his parents died, he has no siblings, his ex-wife absolutely hates him and turned both children against him too. The three of them have all unfollowed/friended him in social media. But all of this is coming from the mother, not the children.

What do I do? There is no such thing as NHS rehab. What about a care home?
He has no food in his house and no ability to look after himself. Even simple things like put laundry in the washing machine.
I think he is close to death. Rotten laundry in the washing machine, malnourished, weak and living on vodka.
I don’t even know if he will make another trip to the grocery store to restock his vodka.

I spoke to the mental health team on Sunday night and they said that they were going to send an ambulance for a welfare check. That never happened.
I drove to his house last night. I cried on my way there, not knowing what I was going to find. He was alive but passed out on the sofa. The mental health team then phoned me to find out what I saw, they advised me to step out of the house as not to put myself at risk and they said they would phone an ambulance as his life was at immediate risk.

What do I do? I just cannot walk away knowing that there is not a single other person who will check if he is ok.

this is strange timing as i’m currently in my home country to visit my dying alcoholic father after one of his friends informed my mother (they’ve been divorced for 20+ years). he’s in the icu and likely will not make it. we’ve been estranged at times over the years but me and sibling are both here to see him daily, my mother who looked after him previously when needed is sorting out all his needs. family is a strange thing and despite what we’ve been through (which was traumatic) i’m glad we’re all here now. i think his children deserve to know his state, especially if he’s in hospital - only inform them and don’t put any expectation on them, let them decide what they can do. if may choose not to get involved, or not.

https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk/find-support/make-a-referral

I work for this charity and they do incredible work. It may be worth a conversation, I’m sorry you’re in this position x

It's sad, I would try and contact them to let them know about their dad, they can decide to see him or now. I have a family member who is an alcoholic not at the stage you have mentioned yet. Sorry this is happening.

Going against the grain here, (daughter of alcoholic parents, one of whom died and I was told after the event, and also have an alcoholic sister who is dying from end stage liver failure and has cut off all friends and family). I think that, if he really is days away from dying and you can establish that, then you could contact his children simply to let them know that but make clear that no expectations to visit. I wouldn't expect them to want to see him in such a state, but knowing that he is near the end at least gives them a choice to say goodbye if they wanted to, but also gives them the heads up about him imminent departure and may just help prepare them. They deserve to know when he's died, so in some ways this would help prepare them slightly rather than them just getting a call out of the blue. They may loathe him and his illness, pity him, feel repulsed by him, feel angry and upset and a whole myriad of conflicting emotions, but they will likely still feed some sadness or trauma by his death. What i wouldn't do is contact them too far ahead of time as that wouldn't be fair on them. They certainly don't need to see him in a state.

You are contradicting the situation. He is your ex-partner for the reason being his alcoholism which you did not want a part of. Thinking that his children who have been through things you won't be able to comprehend/imagine, to come and look after him when you didn't want to be with him is frankly crazy. So, I bet he told you his ex wife turned his children against him and blocked him and changed their numbers. Grow up. Addicts lie. Constantly. To excuse themselves and blame others.
My ex was an alcoholic, I've heard it all, been through it all. They give not a shit about the people in their lives only about their addiction. My ex is dying too. He has a new wife who has enabled his drinking. He dumped me when I made it clear I wouldn't live like that. I tried everything, he went to AA and other groups but always gave up. Do I feel sad he's dying at the age of 55? Kinda, but it was always on the cards. They reap what they sow. Lots of addicts overcome their addiction. Some do not want to. By all means be there for him if you like but don't put it on his ex family that he's alone.

It is sad to see someone alone when they are ill but you have to look at why. This man is an alcoholic and has pushed his ex wife and children away.
Fwiw, my family has been torn apart by alcoholism in a sense that my parents refuse to stop caring for my violent, bullying alcoholic brother. I refuse to see him or have him in my home. He cannot be left so I don't see my parents and neither do my young DC. The only contact I want right now is to hear that he is dead.
Please take this into account regarding the ex wife and adult children.

My uncle was an alcoholic and died this year. I was the last family member he was in contact with but he cut me off for some perceived offence about 18m before he died and I didn't do anything to challenge it because it was very hard seeing him kill himself and having to deal with his alcoholism. I loved him but he was obviously a very complicated man as was our relationship. I was contacted by his neighbour when he was taken into hospital - I made the decision that I wanted to be able to say goodbye and spent his last few days with him in hospital. My brother and mum made different decisions which were also totally valid. I am really glad I was given this choice and would have found it harder if I'd learnt he was dead after the fact. I may be tempted to send a simple message to let the children know he is approaching end of life - not with any expectations - because they absolutely owe him nothing - but so they are able to make their own decisions...

Just to add to this - alcoholics don't always die of liver failure. It could be heart failure or other problems. A friend's relative died of a burst oesophagus.

I think falls down stairs etc are also not uncommon.

I wonder if someone in this state might also die of starvation/malnutrition or dehydration? He doesn't sound as though he can look after himself properly.

OP - sorry you're in this position. You are obviously a really caring person to keep being involved. I hope things resolve themselves one way or another, sooner rather than later 😕

As a child with an alcoholic father I know only too well what it was like growing up not knowing what mood he'd be in on a day to day basis. As soon as I was able I left home, worked away and then, after my mother died I effectively cut him out of my life. I was told some months after he'd died. I was relieved that nobody told me. I wouldn't have wanted to see him or talk to him. He was a stranger to me. I wouldn't have thanked anyone who had told me. I despised the man for what he'd done to my mother and our family.

I agree. I haven’t been in this situation thankfully (I hope you are OK) but my dad found out his estranged alcoholic father was dead when he had to go and clear out his digs. It still haunts him that his dad was only one tube stop away from his new grandchildren and we are all in our forties now. I think at this stage contacting the adult children to tell them the facts is the right thing to do. You don’t have to ask them to do anything, just let them know the situation. I’m sorry OP, this all sounds awful

Do not call his children… I am sorry that you are all he has, but choices have consequences, and your choice now is to be there or not, it’s not your place to put your feelings about this on people who have probably lived through hell.

My DH was the child of an alcoholic mother and refused to see her from 8 years old onward when his father finally realised what was happening whilst he was away (long distance lorry driver) and got them both out of there. He attended her funeral just to make sure she’d gone! Don’t ever judge them, growing up with an alcoholic leaves scars you’ll never understand.

Can you contact adult social services?
I'm sorry.

But you don't think his children should have choices.

Completely agree with this. My husband suffered greatly as a child living with an alcoholic parent, you really have no idea what his children have been through, what their childhood was like.

Awful situation, and I’m horribly sorry. But you can’t save someone intent on drinking themselves to death.

His ADULT children have already made their choice to have no contact

How do you know what their choice is? They might be choosing not to see him now but if they knew he was dying they might want to say their goodbyes. Maybe they want to see him but their mother gets so upset they don't see him to avoid the drama (I know someone this happened to, she did eventually reconnect with her father and just didn't let her mother know.)

I personally think that if it's possible to get a message to his adult children that he's in end stage liver failure (which it sounds like from description, check first obviously) and a rough prognosis if a doctor is willing to tell you m, it's a good idea, giving them your contact details if they wish to talk. Do not follow it up though, if they choose not to make contact then let it rest, you have given them a chance to say goodbye

Looking back on this thread again, there's no indication that he's anywhere near death's door. He's not even jaundiced (and I've seen people luminous yellow who have then recovered, relapsed, become jaundiced, recovered, relapsed, etc, for 40 years and still going strong), he was just extremely drunk to the point of insensibility, so was at immediate risk of choking on his own vomit or alcohol poisoning, nothing to indicate he's actually dying.

Why attempt to summon people to a deathbed that might not be one for another twenty years?

So the only thing alcoholics can die of is liver disease. Well I never. Just for information it wasn't liver disease that killed my father so even the day he died he wasn't jaundiced.

I'm pretty sure the OP would have mentioned ruptured varices, a heart attack, stroke, seizures, sepsis from living in filth or anything else other than being paralytic.

I'm so glad you are sure.

The mental health team then phoned me to find out what I saw, they advised me to step out of the house as not to put myself at risk and they said they would phone an ambulance as his life was at immediate risk.

Mental health teams eh, what do they know compared to randoms on MN.

That doesn't mean he's at end of life. If he is and the OP is told, then she can visit. Assuming him to be in his last days and telling people that, only for them to find out that a supervised withdrawal results in him being well enough for discharge and further drinking, isn't going to help matters.

Them being told after he dies means they don't get the chance to make a choice. No going back from that one.