When an alcoholic has no family and near the end

[dutchTulips]

I’m in a situation that I am the closest person to someone in what I think is end stage.
His ex-wife is estranged from him and she also changed the phone numbers of their two adult children in their 20’s.
I’ve given significant support, taken him to A&E twice, to the dr, spoken multiple times with his affection counsellor, with social care and with the local Mental Health team.

But the resources are so stretched for support. There just isn’t enough help available.

This is going to be a situation that he will die at some point in this year, utterly alone, house completely wrecked, and one of these services will find him days later.

I care a lot about him. What do I do? Part of me feels I should attempt to contact his adult children and let them know of the severity, and especially what they can do - reach out to him and let him know that they miss him, care about him and would like to have contact of some sort. I know he is longing for that.

Or do I just leave him in the hands of social care and mental health?

It is so upsetting to see. I saw him on Sunday. He was naked from the waist down and no awareness of his nakedness, he barely recognised me, he was clearly incubated.
He is no longer using his phone. He isn’t changing it.

He used to be my partner, so I loved him very much. I still do. But when I realised how bad his addiction to alcohol was, I said to him gently that he needed to focus on his health first, as a priority, get support and treatment for alcoholism, rather than pursue a relationship.

But I can’t just walk away knowing that both his parents died, he has no siblings, his ex-wife absolutely hates him and turned both children against him too. The three of them have all unfollowed/friended him in social media. But all of this is coming from the mother, not the children.

What do I do? There is no such thing as NHS rehab. What about a care home?
He has no food in his house and no ability to look after himself. Even simple things like put laundry in the washing machine.
I think he is close to death. Rotten laundry in the washing machine, malnourished, weak and living on vodka.
I don’t even know if he will make another trip to the grocery store to restock his vodka.

I spoke to the mental health team on Sunday night and they said that they were going to send an ambulance for a welfare check. That never happened.
I drove to his house last night. I cried on my way there, not knowing what I was going to find. He was alive but passed out on the sofa. The mental health team then phoned me to find out what I saw, they advised me to step out of the house as not to put myself at risk and they said they would phone an ambulance as his life was at immediate risk.

What do I do? I just cannot walk away knowing that there is not a single other person who will check if he is ok.

It's sad but the fact his children cut him off is his own doing and because he's an alcoholic, it's not their mum's fault and you should leave them alone. I speak from experience, I don't see my dad, I believe he's very ill and not got long left, I honestly couldn't care less, he made his bed a long time ago.

I would also suggest that if rehab is an option then it really has to come from the addict himself. You don’t say whether he is still drinking or if his current state is so bad because of years of addiction. If he is able to buy alcohol then he is able to request rehab and following that he would be able to reach out to his DC on his own accord.

My ex and now very good friend is on the same pathway. He currently waiting for NHS detox then rehab. I only support him whilst he's willing to help himself, and he's under no illusions that I will step away should I need to.

Your ex is beyond this now. He needs medical care and intervention. Nothing you can do will help him and you need to protect yourself.

That is a crazy suggestion. Why would the OP pay thousands of pounds on an ex-partner whose prognosis looks helpless and who hasn’t done anything to help himself.

The mental health team then phoned me to find out what I saw, they advised me to step out of the house as not to put myself at risk and they said they would phone an ambulance as his life was at immediate risk.

I have to say I’m a bit at loss at that answer. How are they going to know if his life is at immediate risk??

Having said that you’re right that there is no support on the NHS.
Ive been involved in trying to sort some stuff out for 2different people. And even when those peop,e want to stop, the support is non existent. It’s back to AA and that’s about it. I know the 2 persons I know needed more than that (incl intensive therapy for the trauma that was fuelling the alcoholism)

What do you think he wants to happen?

What can you do?

Get help for yourself. Go to AlAnon.
Thrn find out why you have invested so much in someone who has chosen addiction over connection. You are going to waste your life chasing completely unavailable people if you don't get to the bottom of this predisposition of yours and work to overcome it.

You also need to work on your boundaries: your thoughts on getting involved with his adult children are ringing alarm bells.

Above all -

BUTT OUT of his family.
Alcoholics are liars - you must accept that - and you should believe nothing of what he says about his ex-wife and adult children. They are no longer in touch with him for very good reasons, of that you can be assured.

Your critical thinking is a bit lacking. For whatever reason his family and his best friend is booze not his wife or children. Leave his children alone. Perhaps think about why you’ve been sucked in, what are you getting out of this, what void is it filling?

I was in a very similar position several years ago. I had a good friend who was single with no family of note and when sober, was a truly lovely person. In my opinion, the hardships of her life had damaged her mental health (everyone copes differently) and she self medicated with alcohol. But the powers that be would not treat her mental health until she was sober, and she couldn't face reality and continued to drink. She had fits, was hospitalised several times and finally in late 2017 she had major organ failure and was not expected to live. She haemorrhaged in her bed and crawled to a phone leaving something akin to a snail trail of blood and gore, not to get help but to ask someone to get her some booze and that is when her organs gave out and we called the ambulance. Three friends slept at the hospital to be with her when she died as there was no-one else. However she survived. Christmas day, there was no-one but me to visit her.

But in fairness to her other friends and partners, she had driven them away with her alcoholism and they had been this route so many times, they realised she had to want to do it for herself as she wouldn't listen to us. Don't underestimate the dire effect of watching someone you love do this to themselves and realising that your love for them isn't sufficient reason for them to stop. At some point you have to protect yourself or be irrevocably damaged. And that in turn gives the alcoholic less reason to want to be sober.

As she lay in the hospital, surviving against all the odds, we cleared her flat of the hundreds of bottles, she was too drunk to get to the shop so she used to order takeaways for delivery as she could get booze delivered too. The food stayed festering for weeks and the house was cluttered with bottles, sick, cat poo etc. Instead of paying bills she used the money to fund the booze, she had lost her job over this etc. She too would wander around with her boobs dangling out of her top, as she really didn't care - such a contrast to the very appearance proud woman we all knew when she was sober.

I stepped in, and did everything I could and then when she was in the hospital, I claimed benefit for her, with her agreement, had it paid to me so I could ensure her bills were paid and she had a home to come out to. Three months she was in the hospital and she pulled through.

But, she started drinking again, she just wants to die, and die she will. I can't watch it anymore. She is in and out of the hospital like a yo-yo! I love her as one friend to another but she was destroying my life too and I wasn't what she wanted. She wanted a happy home with family but this is what her drinking had destroyed and it was a vicious circle. Sadly, they are in control of their own destiny, I am here if she finds the strength, but I doubt that will happen now. Its a no win situation.

Personally, I would consider telling the kids, I would tell them that their Dad is at the end of the road now, making it clear that you are not telling them because you have any expectation of them stepping in and rescuing him but because they may need to say goodbye. There is nothing anyone but him can do to save himself as it starts with him. Its devastating but true.

This is a very difficult time for you too, you will feel helpless and the lack of support is mind blowing. Give what you can but realise this is not something you can prevent, they have to want it themselves.

@dutchTulips I am sorry that you {and he and his adult children} are going through this.

He sounds in a desperately bad way.

Alcohol is an evil drug- It's so damaging to the mind and body, so toxic.

At school , DS had a friend whose dad was an alcoholic.

His partner left him, and I asked her at the school gates ''How's {Name?}

She said bleakly ''He's dead''.

He had phoned her, saying he felt dreadful.

She said 'You are just on the piss again''

But he had multiple organ failure brought on by sepsis and was found dead in his house {His own nice Victorian house that he'd bought }

It was terribly sad.

I cried. He wasn't a bad man, just had 'demons'.

Strangely enough a few months later, I had a very vivid dream of him where he looked great and looked healthy.

Wishful thinking? Or had he come to say that he was ok now. {That's what he said in my dream}

OP

you didn’t cause this
you can’t control this
you can’t cure this

does this man want your help? Because if not, then I’m afraid you need to step back and let things happen.

OP, as someone affected by someone else's alcoholism, you may find it helpful to get help from Al-Anon

Alcohol is probably one of the worst drugs out there, yet it is legal in this country.

A doctor who works in drug science says that if alcohol was discovered now, no way on earth would it be legal.

You are not responsible for him. He has brought this on himself. He is an addict, he will not stop or get better. You are deluded if you think the ex wife is stopping the adult children from seeing him. He destroyed the relationship not her!

If the NHS/Social Services can’t or won’t help you will have to let the illness take its course. Step away, the person you loved is no more. It’s not your responsibility. Give yourself permission to walk away.

If he was your son's friend's dad why would he come to you to say he was okay? I think it was more likely a dream?

OP he sounds very close to the end, rehab as some have suggested is really illusory, his organs will be wrecked. You’ve been very kind but you need to protect yourself, as his family has. Assuming he’s still alive, probably the best outlook now is hospital and palliative care. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s a cliche I know but maybe consider some counselling when you are out the other end, to understand why you bonded so strongly with someone who is on a self destruct course.

If you really must contact them, do so with the intention of giving them the opportunity to say goodbye.
Anything else is massively insensitive.
I say this as the daughter of an alcoholic, turned heroin addict.
I've been hounded by SS and the hospitals for the past almost 2 years.

Addiction can wither away any love you jad for a person, especially if it turns them into an aggressive, selfish arsehole, who lies and manipulates to get their own way repeatedly.

I'm so sorry to hear of you being in this situation. One of my friends drank himself to death not long ago, and although I wasn't super close to him, I could see how devastating it was for his parents and siblings and closest friends.

I admire and respect that you want to try to take care of him, but please also take care of yourself.

💐

Don’t know the real answer to help - but I do know that my own uncle (who is also an alcoholic and dying - he has less than 3 months) was reunited with his children very recently - and it was facilitated by other family members. I cannot speak for everyone’s own circumstances- I can only speak from my own.

The mother did not turn the children against the father. He did that all on his own. Being the child of an alcoholic is devastating.

do not contact his adult children. If they wanted to have anything to do with him, they would reach out. They very well know that he may die without them being able to say goodbye.

I don't know where you live, but may I suggest contacting local churches? They may have outreach people for those suffering with addictions.

Child of alcoholic. I am 50/50. The way you describe it is in some kind of fantasy that the kids will come running. They most likely won't come and they will most likely be confused and even racked with (projected) guilt that isn't theirs!

So IF you did tell them it would be 100% factual. NO expectation on them to come but thought they would want the choice. And you need to be honest about what state he is in. It could be very destabilising for them.

my own father will die this way someday. It sounds extremely cruel but after a life of being the child of an addict i cannot continue to put my own mental health second for someone who clearly doesn’t want help. I feel guilty enough about severing the relationship and being contacted by one of his ex’s like that would send me into a tailspin.

im sorry you and he are going through this. It’s not easy. But leave his children out of it please

I would think unless his children were very young, they have probably witnessed some awful behaviour. Having a parent as an alcoholic must be very tough. I would contact social services. You could try to contact his children but it sounds like he isn’t their responsibility either.

There are some very sad stories on this thread.

I am NC with my Father. Have been for many years now. He most definitely was an alcoholic and I have no idea whether he is still alive or not. I don’t want to know.

As well as losing my Mother when I was just a wee child, I had to contend with a drunk for a Father who put my life in danger many times due to drunk driving. He was a liability.

Don’t victim blame his ex and children. He drove them away. They are innocents in this.