When an alcoholic has no family and near the end

[dutchTulips]

I’m in a situation that I am the closest person to someone in what I think is end stage.
His ex-wife is estranged from him and she also changed the phone numbers of their two adult children in their 20’s.
I’ve given significant support, taken him to A&E twice, to the dr, spoken multiple times with his affection counsellor, with social care and with the local Mental Health team.

But the resources are so stretched for support. There just isn’t enough help available.

This is going to be a situation that he will die at some point in this year, utterly alone, house completely wrecked, and one of these services will find him days later.

I care a lot about him. What do I do? Part of me feels I should attempt to contact his adult children and let them know of the severity, and especially what they can do - reach out to him and let him know that they miss him, care about him and would like to have contact of some sort. I know he is longing for that.

Or do I just leave him in the hands of social care and mental health?

It is so upsetting to see. I saw him on Sunday. He was naked from the waist down and no awareness of his nakedness, he barely recognised me, he was clearly incubated.
He is no longer using his phone. He isn’t changing it.

He used to be my partner, so I loved him very much. I still do. But when I realised how bad his addiction to alcohol was, I said to him gently that he needed to focus on his health first, as a priority, get support and treatment for alcoholism, rather than pursue a relationship.

But I can’t just walk away knowing that both his parents died, he has no siblings, his ex-wife absolutely hates him and turned both children against him too. The three of them have all unfollowed/friended him in social media. But all of this is coming from the mother, not the children.

What do I do? There is no such thing as NHS rehab. What about a care home?
He has no food in his house and no ability to look after himself. Even simple things like put laundry in the washing machine.
I think he is close to death. Rotten laundry in the washing machine, malnourished, weak and living on vodka.
I don’t even know if he will make another trip to the grocery store to restock his vodka.

I spoke to the mental health team on Sunday night and they said that they were going to send an ambulance for a welfare check. That never happened.
I drove to his house last night. I cried on my way there, not knowing what I was going to find. He was alive but passed out on the sofa. The mental health team then phoned me to find out what I saw, they advised me to step out of the house as not to put myself at risk and they said they would phone an ambulance as his life was at immediate risk.

What do I do? I just cannot walk away knowing that there is not a single other person who will check if he is ok.

I get why you don’t understand it. Being a partner to an alcoholic is entirely different to being a child of one. There was no way out. No safe space. Adulthood is the only way to escape. No contact is the only refuge - but it’s still there because their addiction is part of what made you. You carry it inside forever, you remember it forever, you may feel the addicts shame on behalf of them.

A partner walks away, gets a new partner perhaps, loves again. Chooses that life. But as kids we don’t get to choose.

Theres a lot to unpack but I think you would benefit from an ALANON meeting.

I'm actually a serious alcoholic myself - although currently coffee-total as I have a little baby who needs a sober mummy and a loving husband who needs a sober wife.

Honestly, he'll be fine dying in a pit of his own filth. It looks terrible from the outside but from the inside there is only alcohol. Nothing and no-one can stop an alcoholic from drinking - it's got to be us to decide.

I'd stay out of it OP, he'll probably have damaged his family enough

Also it’s not helpless. The ex wife and children aren’t helpless anymore. They are empowered. It’s helpless for you because you still live it and are in the thrall of his addiction x

I think you should contact the children.
Succinct, not emotional but kindly let them know.
They are adults. Adults don't need to be ignorant.

You can only inform them of his condition, where he is and how to contact him if they should wish to.

The adult kids can then process the facts and do what is best for themselves. You will probably never know what they end up deciding.

With respect OP, I find the way you talk about this person interesting in that it's everyone else's fault that he is living like this isnt it?

Its the lack of support, the mother turned the kids against him, unfollowed him on social media, nobody cares, the mental health team dont care etc..

Now, I completely agree with you that there is not enough community addiction support but I can tell you that I worked on a rehab ward for quite a few years and the people there got lots and lots of support and therapy/psychological input and assistance. It often made zero difference to their alcohol consumption. I will never forget a patient telling me: "I do want to get better for my kids but I love booze more".

Addiction is a complex and nuanced issue but the person has to be willing to engage in treatment for it to be effective. If they are not willing then there is very little anyone can actually do apart from admit to hospital to detox when needed. We are not that powerful I'm afraid. He could have all the mental health input in the world but if he doesnt want to put the bottle down then it will be useless.

I find it strange that you have such empathy for him and yet very little, if any, for his ex and their children together. They WILL have suffered due to his addiction and I'm wondering why you seem so keen to paint them as cold and uncaring when in reality, they probably went through hell with living with him, as most families of addicts do. You dont know that the mother turned them against him, you have literally no idea what those kids saw in that house with him and I think you'd benefit from taking a more balanced view of this situation and recognise that it is not only him that is suffering. You can contact his kids if you want but do not put any kind of emotional pressure on them as that would be grossly unfair.

All you can do at this stage is call an ambulance when it's needed and let the hospital stabilise him. It's up to you to decide if you can cope with being involved or not. But I do urge you to look at this situation from everyone's perspective, not just his.

Why would you want to drag his adult children back to the shit he put them through again? It's better for them that they stay well away, rather than have a new memory of a stinking, drink addled creature incapable of comprehending a need for clothing to add to every humiliating adverse childhood experience he's inflicted upon them.

He's not dying on his own. He's dying in the arms of his one true love - alcohol.

As well as all that there is a lot of guilt that you aren’t enough to make them want to be sober. Your own children (their grandchildren) aren’t enough. A parent’s love is supposed to be the strongest in the world so am I a bad child if they don’t love me enough to be sober? Wondering if you caused this, if you contributed or worsened it. Then there’s the many, many times you’ve been failed by a parent who missed birthdays, Christmases, potentially weddings, graduations etc etc. There is so much damage and also a constant fear you will end up the same way.

Someone who never experienced all that, who is ‘close to’ their own parents, of course won’t be able to understand how you can leave a parent when they are dying. After his death there will be more pain for his children as they grapple with whether they did the right thing. Alcoholism never ever affects just the alcoholic. Their actions make ripples that last decades.

ALANON will help you OP.

But when I realised how bad his addiction to alcohol was, I said to him gently that he needed to focus on his health first, as a priority, get support and treatment for alcoholism, rather than pursue a relationship.

And yet you criticise his ex wife and children for not wanting a relationship with an alcoholic who was not addressing his issues with alcohol? Them, particularly the ex wife, are the devils incarnate for protecting themselves but you are not?

You have no idea what he put them through and yet you judge them.

But as you aren’t in that position you can’t make judgments.

You are working on the assumption that his ex wife is to blame for the fact that he is alone. It’s his drinking. You are choosing to be involved with an alcoholic. He children didn’t get a choice.

Do you really believe his own actions haven’t caused this?

I get that you are emotionally involved. But you are viewing him in a way that his children don’t. You love him and want to save him. He is the victim of circumstance in your story. In his, he is very likely a villain who caused them a lot of harm.

It’s entirely your choice to be involved and entirely their choice not to be. But blaming his ex wife is very unfair and isn’t helping you deal with the situation and the emotional impact it’s having on you.

As the adult child of an alcoholic don’t contact his kids. If you want to deal with it then call an ambulance out to him yourself.

Yeah I dont get this either. So, OP, it was ok for you to leave him due to his addiction and awful behaviour but not ok for his ex wife?

Why?

I dont blame the ex wife one bit for protecting her kids from him. He doesnt care btw, the only thing he cares about is vodka. If you gave him the choice right now of a vodka bottle or contact with his kids, he'd choose vodka.

He longs to drink more than he ever longed to be a good parent.

His children may want to know but there should be no expectation that they want contact. They have suffered in ways you have no idea about.

As others have said, there IS support out there if he's willing to accept it. You could raise a Safeguarding with your local adult social care team for serious self neglect, as he will be seen as a " vulnerable" person. But he would need to consent. He could also request a Care Act Assessmemt for support at home. But all of this is pointless if he won't accept the help.

You sound a really lovely person OP. Good on you for not just walking away.

Of course there is no NHS rehab available- he’s still drinking. He chose alcohol over his family. Over his kids. How long have you known him- did you know him when he was married? There’s so many reasons his ex wife may hate him, and his kids. Alcoholics are not good parents (some worse than others obviously.) You are just seeing the frail vunerable old man at end of life- he may have been a very nasty piece of work before this late stage. The fact he has no friends as well speaks volumes

Can I ask @dutchTulips what your relationship is to him.
It's reading like he's your DP.

Why do you think it's down to you to save him.
His kids and ex didn't do it,why do you think you're any different.

I'll go against the flow here.

You're describing end stage, weeks if he's "lucky". My DH hit this point last year and lasted two weeks in hospital, unconscious, doubly incontinent. He hadn't eaten for four months, we believe, and died of a combination of cirrhosis and malnutrition. You need to give his family the opportunity to actively agree not to say goodbye.

Look after yourself, it's a horrendous situation, not sure I or our adult children will ever fully recover but we did everything we could.

I am close with my own family and although there is no alcoholism, I find it hard to imagine that someone is one their own and essentially going to die on their own

Have you considered that the reason you are close to your family is because they arent destructive alcoholics?

Trust me, you'd feel very, very differently about them if they were and your childhood had been blighted by parental addiction. I speak from experience.

Sorry for your loss. We had the same with my MIL in May. Heartbreaking and always wishing or wondering if we could’ve done more. But we did get to say goodbye.

So sorry to read this OP. Such a sad situation. So sorry I have nothing to add to help - but didn’t want to read and run and just to say I think you seem a very kind and caring program doing for very best. Sorry your friend is in such a bad way due to alcoholism. 💔

I was NC with my father for many years (he was an alcoholic, wife beater etc) although my siblings were all in contact with him (and me). I did go to see him on his death bed, mainly to ensure I didn't feel any guilt once he had died. I was glad I did.

If this hadn't happened I would have said do not contact his DC. However, given I have experienced it, I'm glad I was given the option and they should also be given the option. It's not for you to withold this information and if they don't want to do anything with it then at least they've made the choice. As such, yes, let them know.

I should also add that the eldest was estranged but was absolutely brilliant helping me with the fallout and spent most of the time in hospital by his bedside. I think he'd have found it even harder if he hadn't seen him.

I am the child of an alcoholic. Please contact them and make them aware that his life is likely to end soon and you’re making them aware not with the expectation that they do anything but so they’re prepared for the police visit when it happens. As they will be nearest living relative they will get that visit.

But also please stop with the resentment toward his ex wife. She was right to walk away and right to protect her children. Alcoholism is awful and ruins lives. Her adult children also have the capacity to make their own choices.

If you're able to contact his kids I would, let them make an informed choice.

Leave his kids out of it, if they as adults wanted any kind of relationship with him they would have one. They’ve clearly walked away with exceptionally good reason to.

How would you contact his children if he doesn't have their numbers and they have new phone numbers