When an alcoholic has no family and near the end

[dutchTulips]

I’m in a situation that I am the closest person to someone in what I think is end stage.
His ex-wife is estranged from him and she also changed the phone numbers of their two adult children in their 20’s.
I’ve given significant support, taken him to A&E twice, to the dr, spoken multiple times with his affection counsellor, with social care and with the local Mental Health team.

But the resources are so stretched for support. There just isn’t enough help available.

This is going to be a situation that he will die at some point in this year, utterly alone, house completely wrecked, and one of these services will find him days later.

I care a lot about him. What do I do? Part of me feels I should attempt to contact his adult children and let them know of the severity, and especially what they can do - reach out to him and let him know that they miss him, care about him and would like to have contact of some sort. I know he is longing for that.

Or do I just leave him in the hands of social care and mental health?

It is so upsetting to see. I saw him on Sunday. He was naked from the waist down and no awareness of his nakedness, he barely recognised me, he was clearly incubated.
He is no longer using his phone. He isn’t changing it.

He used to be my partner, so I loved him very much. I still do. But when I realised how bad his addiction to alcohol was, I said to him gently that he needed to focus on his health first, as a priority, get support and treatment for alcoholism, rather than pursue a relationship.

But I can’t just walk away knowing that both his parents died, he has no siblings, his ex-wife absolutely hates him and turned both children against him too. The three of them have all unfollowed/friended him in social media. But all of this is coming from the mother, not the children.

What do I do? There is no such thing as NHS rehab. What about a care home?
He has no food in his house and no ability to look after himself. Even simple things like put laundry in the washing machine.
I think he is close to death. Rotten laundry in the washing machine, malnourished, weak and living on vodka.
I don’t even know if he will make another trip to the grocery store to restock his vodka.

I spoke to the mental health team on Sunday night and they said that they were going to send an ambulance for a welfare check. That never happened.
I drove to his house last night. I cried on my way there, not knowing what I was going to find. He was alive but passed out on the sofa. The mental health team then phoned me to find out what I saw, they advised me to step out of the house as not to put myself at risk and they said they would phone an ambulance as his life was at immediate risk.

What do I do? I just cannot walk away knowing that there is not a single other person who will check if he is ok.

I get that it’s upsetting for you but are you really that blinkered that you can’t fathom that other people will be different?

even though I have a great relationship with my parents, I fully understand that his children will have cut him off themselves as he has shown time and time again that he loves alcohol more than he loves them.

don’t emotionally blackmail them into seeing a dying alcoholic who was never able to be their father in any meaningful sense.

I used to go to their house a lot as our kids were best friends { invited by his partner.}

I was staying with his ex partner after his death when he arrived in the dream - it was very strange I told her about it next day

But I have had a similar dream about my own dad - {Who died of an illness} and about past pets.

In fact, a horse I adored visited in a dream only this week.

Edit...extremely vivid..probably a dream but who knows.

This is tremendously sad. Is it too late tho? If he got the help he needed is it possible he can be saved?
It just makes you think how life choices really do impact your quality of life. If he stopped maybe his body would heal, recovering, rehab, healthy eating etc and this would all be a thing of the past for him. He could have had a long life.
I don't know the extent of the damage that has been done, is anyone reading this post qualified to say if he has caused irreversible damage?
It's just so sad to read it all and some of the responses.

@oakleaffy made it clear in her post that it was a dream.

Such a sad and tragic story. OP I am so sorry for your situation and the person you are trying to help, however, there is nothing you can do or say other than involve mental health/social services which you have done.
Sadly your friend has made his own choices which have now put him in this heartbreaking position but they were his choices. Please for the sake of your own mental health and wellbeing you need to step away as well.

Hi OP,

I don't have anything particularly helpful to say - others have come in with sensible practical thoughts - but just wanted to say I'm so sorry you are in this position. I have faced difficult situations (though none quite as difficult as this) with relatives facing addiction and it is so agonising. You are clearly a very caring person, just trying to do your best. The painful thing is that in situations like this there is no clear consensus on what that is. It would be so much easier if there was a straightforward right and wrong.

Anyway, I am full of sympathy and really thinking of you. I hope you are finding time to take care of yourself too.

It sounds like you have a bad case of white knight syndrome. You say you love him but is it the role in this relationship that you love?. You can't save him, he is beyond help, the only person that can save an alcoholic is themselves. You need to protect yourself

As an adult child of an alcoholic father, I think you may find that his adult children may not want to help. When I think about my childhood, rarely did my needs come before alcohol and alcohol can make people really unpredictable, scary and aggressive. Sad as it is, he may be now reaping what he sowed as a parent. It’s very sad. But please don’t lay any guilt trips on his children. They may owe him nothing and just hearing about him may be traumatic.

my partner, ex by that point really, died last year from alcoholism and in almost identical circumstances except he was much younger. My daughters were primary age and younger and saw things they should not despite everything I did, including ending our marriage and kicking him out. Don’t involve the children. You have no idea what they have seen and put up with from him.if they choose to be estranged that is the consequences of his addiction and actions. They don’t deserve more pain

i know people who've been to inpatient rehab on the nhs for drugs and alcohol; it does exist

My childrens father is an alcoholic. I left him due to him putting alcohol above their needs time and time again. My children never had days out or holidays as a family because he spent all our money on drink. He never went to the park with them, never kicked about a football in the garden even. He didnt help teaching them to ride a bike. He didnt acknowledge their achievement's or excitement for things they were passionate about. He couldnt tell you what made them individuals, what they favourite toy was, how they would chose to spend their time, what films they watched on repeat, what books they enjoyed, what their favourite colour cup was. He knew nothing about them at all. All he cared about was drink. I stayed for 12 years trying to help him to even just reduce his alcohol intake, and prioritise our children.

When i left, my children continued to see him, until his treatment of them was neglectful and i had to stop them visiting as police and social services were contacted. He was offered supervised contact from family, or through official channels, which he refused. He went on to never send them a birthday card, or christmas card, which he had means to do as he knew where my mum and siblings lived, but he never acknowledged them once, never financially supported them. But cried i was the evil ex wife who poisoned his children against him to anyone who would listen. Posted all over social media how i had stolen he children from him. My children were old enough by the time this happened to remember his behaviour, and choices, and the events that lead up to me having no choice but to stop his unsupervised contact. Now, 2 are adults and still chose to be no contact, the youngest is coming up to being an adult and also will most likely chose to remain no contact too.

You can demonise the ex wide and mother all you want, but chances are these adult children saw his action first hand and made their own choices. If you have to contact them out of some missguided moral justice for his life choices, keep it factual. State he doesn't have long left to live, you felt they should know so they can chose what to do with that information. But stop demonising a woman who probably acted in the best interests of her children. My own children have gone on to have a good, successful life, in a home full of laughter and support for their passions, with holidays and memories made to hopefully override the shittiness that was their early childhoods. They didnt need me poisoning them against their father, he did that himself with the aid of vodka.

I'd call the children and explain separately to each or on FaceTime as a group. Then be out of it as far as they're concerned. It will be up to them as adults to decide whether to intervene to try and help their dad either in hospice or rehab, or to try and care for him in his home. Regardless, calling them gives them the chance to decide for themselves because they are adults. You can decide for yourself how much to be involved as well.

I'm a child of an alcoholic. Don't land this on his adult children. Whatever decision they've made, you need to respect that. I also find it fascinating that you say their mother turned them against him, when he's so drunk that he's naked from the waist down. Don't you think he's responsible for that his estrangement from his children, not their mother. Enabling much?

Walk away from this.

You can't alter the outcome here, only he could do that, and he doesn't want to.

All you will do is further hurt yourself, you're not going to significantly improve anything for him.

Do NOT contact his children - they are adults, if they wanted to remain in contact with him they would have done that. They haven't so they clearly do not. I do not buy for a second that the mother of 20+ year old adults 'changed their phone numbers' - thats something THEY have done, for a reason.

That reason is that they then do not receive phone calls like 'your father is dying in his own squalor'.

This is pretty much how my mother died and I wish I had walked away a long time before that happened. It would have done my mental health the world of good and it would have made zero difference to her life or her eventual death.

The adult children have already decided - they have no contact with him. OP has no place to interfere with that.

No one ever told me that was the first rule of being the child of an alcoholic. I loved him till the day he died and I love him still. Good job noone told me the rule.

I've never heard that rule either.

the only 'rule' I have heard of is that an addict/alcoholic HAS to want to change, and be ready for change and living without their drug or drink, and that others cannot force him or her into quitting or rehab.

Alcohol must be especially hard as it's absolutely everywhere and so socially accepted.

Please don't judge his ex wife and children for not wanting contact with him. He's probably put them through hell, living with an alcoholic parent is a nightmare. I hope you can get him into either a care home or hospital as it sounds like he hasn't got long left. You can try messaging his children to let them know the situation but don't try and guilt them into seeing him if they don't want to.

The 'rule' doesn't preclude loving the person with the substance overuse disorder.

It's a truism but death puts the end to a life, not a relationship. You can have a very clear-eyed view of someone you love and acknowledge that they're a vortex of catastrophe.

@dutchTulips it is kind of you to try to help your ex

You said that you find it hard to understand the absence of his ex-wife and children and the way they are not being kind or present as you are.

Well, as you have seen close-up, drink really messes with the drinker - physically and mentally. It is devastating.

What you won't have seen is that the drinker will have made a similar devastating mess of all those close to him. (For them the mess will be internal and not as easy for you to see... but just as deadly. )

The difference between the two is that the last-stage drinker is mostly unaware of anything except drink. Those around him will suffer his pain and theirs.

In his topsy-turvy world, the 'wickedness' of the other ex is protecting the children.

I have no relationship with a parent.

If they were at the end of life and people chose not to tell me, I would be hurt and annoyed.

If I was aware though, I don't know what I would do with the information.

If his children are contactable they have the right to know the facts, but there should be no expectation on them to see him or take responsibility for him.

Let them know gently and let them know that it's up to them what they do with the information and if they want to act on it or not.

The rule doesn't exist.

How do you know he's made a devastating mess of all those close to him?

The fact that they cut him off is somewhat of a clue.

The adult children deserve the opportunity for closure- whatever that may be - however they choose. That is why they should be told of their father's current situation. They may choose to ignore or see their dad. They may expressindifference, anger or sadness. They may try to comfort or get involved - or, not. Whatever the action they choose is up to them. To withhold the info is to deny them choice and, however remote, the possibility of healing now or in the future.