When an alcoholic has no family and near the end

[dutchTulips]

I’m in a situation that I am the closest person to someone in what I think is end stage.
His ex-wife is estranged from him and she also changed the phone numbers of their two adult children in their 20’s.
I’ve given significant support, taken him to A&E twice, to the dr, spoken multiple times with his affection counsellor, with social care and with the local Mental Health team.

But the resources are so stretched for support. There just isn’t enough help available.

This is going to be a situation that he will die at some point in this year, utterly alone, house completely wrecked, and one of these services will find him days later.

I care a lot about him. What do I do? Part of me feels I should attempt to contact his adult children and let them know of the severity, and especially what they can do - reach out to him and let him know that they miss him, care about him and would like to have contact of some sort. I know he is longing for that.

Or do I just leave him in the hands of social care and mental health?

It is so upsetting to see. I saw him on Sunday. He was naked from the waist down and no awareness of his nakedness, he barely recognised me, he was clearly incubated.
He is no longer using his phone. He isn’t changing it.

He used to be my partner, so I loved him very much. I still do. But when I realised how bad his addiction to alcohol was, I said to him gently that he needed to focus on his health first, as a priority, get support and treatment for alcoholism, rather than pursue a relationship.

But I can’t just walk away knowing that both his parents died, he has no siblings, his ex-wife absolutely hates him and turned both children against him too. The three of them have all unfollowed/friended him in social media. But all of this is coming from the mother, not the children.

What do I do? There is no such thing as NHS rehab. What about a care home?
He has no food in his house and no ability to look after himself. Even simple things like put laundry in the washing machine.
I think he is close to death. Rotten laundry in the washing machine, malnourished, weak and living on vodka.
I don’t even know if he will make another trip to the grocery store to restock his vodka.

I spoke to the mental health team on Sunday night and they said that they were going to send an ambulance for a welfare check. That never happened.
I drove to his house last night. I cried on my way there, not knowing what I was going to find. He was alive but passed out on the sofa. The mental health team then phoned me to find out what I saw, they advised me to step out of the house as not to put myself at risk and they said they would phone an ambulance as his life was at immediate risk.

What do I do? I just cannot walk away knowing that there is not a single other person who will check if he is ok.

I hope you've got someone looking out for you OP. I've dealt with similar but in a professional capacity and it can be really damaging. There's a feeling of hopelessness/helplessness that if you're a planner, a doer , someone who likes to be in control of their destiny, takes a lot to get your head around and when he goes you will feel angry, at him, at the world and despite everything you will feel a loss. If you don't have anyone in your life who will be non judgemental that you can lean on, there are some wonderful specialist bereavement services. I've experience of TCF, UKAT and open road, but some of those are local. Cruse bereavement also have specialist support and will be able to signpost.

It's too late now, but there is funded inpatient rehab available, via local treatment providers usually commissioned by CSPs or PCCs, but an individual needs to engage with them in the community first usually for 6-12 weeks. The funding is limited and needs to be given to those who've got a shot at really giving it a go, I've seen many go to inpatient rehab and walk out days or even hours later. I just didn't want others reading this thread to think there aren't options for others who might be dealing with similar.

What I found difficult is the situation where the family is really not involved at all. And I just mean that, someone who is so destructive to themselves- it’s rare that they are completely on their own. Usually there is still one odd friend or one worried family member. And the only reason why I stepped in and helped in February and didn’t walk away, when he had his previous relapse, was because I very quickly realised that nobody else was involved at all. Literally nobody.

The reason being he has driven them all away because the only thing he values in his life is alcohol. Everyone else has stepped away in order to protect themselves. You are taking on the role of the odd friend, last one standing and that is your choice, others have made their choice.

Regarding the children they would know his number if they wanted to contact him they could. Again, if he didn't want to lose his children he would have sorted himself out, he didn't and this is the result. He doesn't miss his children enough to get help does he?

You are right to distance yourself as you have said he refuses any help.

Exactly, does he have any insight into this is a mess of his own making, probably not when you're there perpetuating that he's the victim in all of this, and that isn't it just dreadful his awful children aren't desperate for a tearful reunion?

My alcoholic father passed last month. Despite being no contact for years previously, when we found out he was terminal with weeks left me and my sister both decided to make peace for all of our sakes. His gentlemens children may feel the same, so it is worth a conversation. My father was released from hospital to a carehome for palliative care so it is likely that would happen to the gentlemen in your situation

I don’t know for sure but, sadly , it is what usually happens.

His children and ex-wife might be mean people who just cut him off… but the state he is in now is a classic part of a long long fall. It is most likely that they are normal loving people who stayed and suffered with him as long as they could.

This whole thread is just so sad. Reading all the stories, all the varying degrees of harm
caused. Some who can’t bear to visit a dying parent, some left without any resolution or with anger and pain, others who had the final farewell but are still left with that grief.

All these different accounts, particularly from children of alcoholics, shows how nuanced the situation really is and it is actually difficult to give a definitive answer to the OP on whether to involve this man’s children or not.

I personally still love my alcoholic parent and I would be there for her if she was dying. I also adored my MIL and miss her so deeply despite being so angry and upset that she drank herself to death. She became an alcoholic in later life so my DH had the best mother in the world as a boy and it was only in the last few years it took her very quickly. So we of course held her hand, our girls said goodbye to their nanna, DH sat with her as she died of liver cirrhosis. We miss the woman she was like crazy.

But we are not the children of this man. He may well have hurt them in unimaginable ways. Or he may have been a fantastic dad before the drink took hold, even within his own children they probably have different opinions on this (I know my siblings and I all do about our mother) and it is shown just in this thread how differently people can and do respond to having a parent with an addiction. So many factors are at play; when the parent became an addict, what age the child was when it happened, if they are first born or the baby or diplomatic middle child etc etc.

I know there’s a lot of mockery about how little young people drink these days and it’s all for posing with cocktails on Insta etc, but I bloody hope we are moving away from the alcohol dependant culture particularly central to growing up in the UK and in coming generations our children and grandchildren won’t have to deal with the implications of alcoholism.

Such a sobering thread, sorry for the pun!

Someone who is so selfish destructive - it is absolutely the norm that they alienate everyone who once loved them and die alone. It is extremely unusual for family or friends to remain in contact, because they have all been horribly harmed by the alcoholic. Do you imagine a self destructive spouse or parent lives in his own private little bubble?

This man has said he wants to die, but you are wrong to think he is too weak to plan or do anything. He will simply keep on drinking and die that way, from a haemmorhage, sepsis, stroke, heart attack, or some other inevitable alcohol related issue. He won't need a plan. All he has to do is keep drinking.

You come across as very naive here and lacking in any insight into alcoholics or alcoholism, and what it does to everyone in the alcoholic's life.

I caution you not to believe what this man says about his family and their actions. The fact that he asks for one particular child suggests to me that he tried to play his children off against each other in the past and thinks he still might have one in his pocket.

The family were not worried about his employment or arrears on the phone account. They decided they were sick and tired of his games and would no longer subject themselves to his abuse so they did not port their old numbers to the new plan. It is not unusual for grown adults to have a family plan.

Alcoholics lie because presenting themselves as victims (for eg., of the evil ex-wife) keeps people with poor personal boundaries paying attention to them.

Having came through this with my bil last year there isnt much you can do. Bil had alienated almost everyone due to his nastiness and paronoia. My DH still called with him, he had promised his mum before she died there would be no rows, but it was very hard. At the end he had a stomach infection, untreated, and by the time he reached out for help it was too late. Drugs couldnt be used because of his liver disease and he died 2 weeks later at 54 yesrs of age. Such a waste of a life but family had tried for yesrs to get him help but they have to want the help. I think he was glad to slip away in the end because life wasnt worth living without alcohol. All you can do is hope for a peaceful end if he wont or cant get help, sadly

And I just mean that, someone who is so destructive to themselves- it’s rare that they are completely on their own. Usually there is still one odd friend or one worried family member

No, it's not rare at all- this indicates to me you know very little about the destructive effect of alcohol on families. It's incredibly common that towards the end the alcoholic has noone left because they arent just destructive to themselves, they are destructive to everyone around them too. You keep talking about him as if his behaviour is contained just to himself. It isnt is it?- see how you are now being sucked in and stressing about him- it's becoming destructive to YOU too. Imagine years and years and years of that- that is why towards the end alcoholics are very, very often completely alone and it's of their own making sadly.

@dutchTulips I notice you’ve said you’re starting to distance yourself to put your own well-being first. Surely then you can see why other people have had to do the same.

So sad that this is familiar to so many people. My ex of many years (and other parent of my child) died of alcoholism a couple of years ago, she was just 43 😞 the 3 years leading up to her death were hell. Absolute hell. If anyone wants to chat to someone who gets it, feel free to message me. Take care everyone.

If the OP is right and their mother did that then that is on her and not him.

No you don't know so why say it like that? You can reasonably say he might have but to state it as a definite is wrong. I am the child (although old) of an alcoholic who drank himself to death. He worked hard until the last couple of weeks, he provided for his children and his wife, he was never abusive and the only devastating thing was he died but then my DHs father died when DH was a very young child, is he too blame for catching an infection after surgery and dying? I don't think so.

My father didn't damage me, he was a wonderful, loving father. He had an illness and it killed him.

He worked hard until the last couple of weeks, he provided for his children and his wife, he was never abusive

You're describing a functional alcoholic. I'm impressed that the overuse disorder didn't have an impact on your family life and your financial security. I've no idea how common that is vs. the experience of those of us who lived with abuse across several dimensions and were constantly walking on eggshells, could never have anyone over to visit (including friends), were constantly in financial difficulty etc.

My father couldn't recognise us outside of the house. The personal hygiene and general self-care of both my parents was poor enough to make people leave a crowded train carriage (a childhood memory I wish I could forget).

I think that could be the exception rather than the rule. Mostly alcoholism brings out the worst in people. You were fortunate your father was a functioning alcoholic and not abusive but an awful lot of them are toxic and abusive to be around and it can scar family members for life.

Ensure that the house has been transferred to you and then look after him.

My first husband was an alcoholic and basically drank himself to death. Our two daughters managed his life for him for the last two years. He fell over in his house (where he lived alone) and cut himself on a broken whisky bottle - a neighbour rang for an ambulance. When it arrived the paramedic was so concerned about the state of the house they referred him to adult social care. Shortly after that he was taken into hospital and "dried out" for a week, but after discharge he started drinking again, was readmitted to hospital where he died shortly afterwards of liver and heart failure.
This sounds harsh but his death was a big relief for my girls. Don't judge his ex-wife or children harshly, a late-stage alcoholic can be very difficult to help and anyway you don't know the exact circumstances of why they aren't helping him - what they may hav witnessed in the family home etc. He is lucky to have you concerned about him but all you can do is refer him to adult social care (via the local council)...

If you think someone is at risk, you can raise a cause for concern with Social Work. They must investigate.

What a bizarre ( and sinister) post.

It’s better than looking after him and having nothing to show for it. 😗

Firstly, he has to want to stop drinking and engage with recovery services to even get considered for rehab. A care home is not the answer, if he has capacity they cannot stop him leaving to go and buy alcohol and he could then put not only himself but other very vulnerable people at risk! You have done all you can in regards to contacting services such as mental health team and social services. In regards to the children, as you know they are adults I would try and contact them to make them aware of current situation to let them make an informed choice. it sounds like he needs medical attention right now…

For the people still thinking:

'but his adult children should be informed/given the right to choose if they get in touch or not, with no expectation or pressure'...

They have already made the choice not to have that information.

By telling them, even though you aren't intending to apply pressure or have any expectation, you ARE doing just that.

They then have to revisit the whole mess again in their heads and decide again, what to do.

Having decided to walk away from someone once is hard enough - being forced, by someone elses good intentions or not - to effectively make that decision again, is awful.

When we walk away, we are well aware that the person we have cut contact with may well die without us ever speaking to them again or reconciling or forgiving or anything.

That is a huge part of making that decision. Some of us may leave the door open a little for the person themselves to get in touch, but we really do NOT leave it open for some other party to barge through and start forcing us to make more decisions.

Contact your nearest AA. You don’t say how old he is but is the only solution for him death?
He may be in Hospital now and they can tell you how sick he is. Whether a Social services or AA visit is worth it at this stage.
AA are fantastic people and can take over very acute alcoholism but would need to visit him and talk to him first.

whether its the Hospital, social services ( yes there are NHS rehab beds available) or AA, step back. Let people who know what to do take over so that you can get closure.

How old is he ????!

There's a phrase I've read on here, it's something like; you can have the alcohol and lose everything else or you can have everything else but no alcohol.
At some point your friend has chosen alcohol over everything else.
Take care of yourself.