When an alcoholic has no family and near the end

[dutchTulips]

I’m in a situation that I am the closest person to someone in what I think is end stage.
His ex-wife is estranged from him and she also changed the phone numbers of their two adult children in their 20’s.
I’ve given significant support, taken him to A&E twice, to the dr, spoken multiple times with his affection counsellor, with social care and with the local Mental Health team.

But the resources are so stretched for support. There just isn’t enough help available.

This is going to be a situation that he will die at some point in this year, utterly alone, house completely wrecked, and one of these services will find him days later.

I care a lot about him. What do I do? Part of me feels I should attempt to contact his adult children and let them know of the severity, and especially what they can do - reach out to him and let him know that they miss him, care about him and would like to have contact of some sort. I know he is longing for that.

Or do I just leave him in the hands of social care and mental health?

It is so upsetting to see. I saw him on Sunday. He was naked from the waist down and no awareness of his nakedness, he barely recognised me, he was clearly incubated.
He is no longer using his phone. He isn’t changing it.

He used to be my partner, so I loved him very much. I still do. But when I realised how bad his addiction to alcohol was, I said to him gently that he needed to focus on his health first, as a priority, get support and treatment for alcoholism, rather than pursue a relationship.

But I can’t just walk away knowing that both his parents died, he has no siblings, his ex-wife absolutely hates him and turned both children against him too. The three of them have all unfollowed/friended him in social media. But all of this is coming from the mother, not the children.

What do I do? There is no such thing as NHS rehab. What about a care home?
He has no food in his house and no ability to look after himself. Even simple things like put laundry in the washing machine.
I think he is close to death. Rotten laundry in the washing machine, malnourished, weak and living on vodka.
I don’t even know if he will make another trip to the grocery store to restock his vodka.

I spoke to the mental health team on Sunday night and they said that they were going to send an ambulance for a welfare check. That never happened.
I drove to his house last night. I cried on my way there, not knowing what I was going to find. He was alive but passed out on the sofa. The mental health team then phoned me to find out what I saw, they advised me to step out of the house as not to put myself at risk and they said they would phone an ambulance as his life was at immediate risk.

What do I do? I just cannot walk away knowing that there is not a single other person who will check if he is ok.

Pay for someone to sit with him, to look after him 24/7. Get him a paid caretaker.

If his old family wanted anything to do with him, they would be around, but they aren't. Totally understandable.

Wow this all sounds incredibly sad. I was raised by two alcoholics - although not as 'bad' as you ex. I think his kids deserve to know and make up their own minds about what to do, but don't try and black mail/ guilt them into visiting him.

He is hopefully in hospital where he can be medically detoxed. I don't want to give false hope, but I have met one or two people who have come back from that point. Inc one lady who was down to under 6 stone and drinking over a bottle of vodka per day. I am in Ireland there are religious charities that run rehabs (you don't have to be Catholic to go). Are there anywhere you are?

Don't judge the ex and definitely don't bother the children, they have all distanced themselves for good reason. It is hell having an alcoholic in the family and there is little that anyone can do unless the person wants to change. It may be that he can go from hospital into some sort of supported environment.

We had this recently and we were contacted by a tracing agent on behalf of the local authority searching for next of kin so we could arrange a funeral.
It was an aunt we had no knowledge of at all. Her partner was involved in her life but they didn’t live together.
I had to give permission for a local authority funeral to take place as we nor the partner had the funds to pay for it.
hope this helps.

his ex-wife absolutely hates him and turned both children against him too. The three of them have all unfollowed/friended him in social media. But all of this is coming from the mother, not the children.

10/10 for victim blaming the woman @dutchTulips

Excellent. Well done.

Of course it isn't his unutterably selfish, dickhead choices that as a grown adult he made.

No, he has a penis, so it HAS to be the woman who is at fault.

OP, are you basing your impression of the adult children from your own experience of them, from what your partner said, or are you surmising from their absence from his life?

It's plausible that the adult children are protecting their own mental and emotional health.

I should think that the children are constantly prepared for a 'notification of death' visit and they won't be surprised by one. However, if you're his official contact then they may just contact you.

You can give the contact details (if you have them) to the health or social care staff.

Sorry, I read this as what happens when someone dies with no known relatives

Just a different viewpoint but I'm also the adult child of an alcoholic (who is now dead after drinking themselves to death) and I actually disagree with this. I think you SHOULD contact them. Just to give them the facts and then they can make their own minds up on what if anything they want to do. Don't take that choice away from them.

I should think his adult children are capable of making their own choices, and that this will be informed by their experiences of him more than their mother.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs for you being compassionate to an alcoholic ex. That doesn't sound easy - please do ramp up your self-care so that you can cope.

Some of the comments here are awful.

I'm the child of an alcoholic. He died 3 years ago.

It was a truly devastating and undignified death. It haunts me.

Alcoholism is an ILLNESS. Especially in it's end stages. Would people be happy for someone with cancer to die alone in squalor? Yes, I know, cancer patients don't choose their predicament. But neither do alcoholics. Once the disease has hold of you, it's just as devastating as cancer to watch.

If I were you I would contact his children OP. They might ignore you or say they want nothing to do with him. Or they might not. I was 90% estranged from my dad when he entered the end stages and because I was informed of his condition, I got to make my peace with him before he passed, and that was very important to my recovery from trauma, which is still ongoing.

You sound like a kind person. Thank you for your concern.

His wife and children have made their own decision. Stop judging them for it

I think you should contact the children. They can then decide if they want to be in any way involved, and even if not, when the end comes as you suggest it will most likely, they have had some warning in a way.

'Adults don't need to be ignorant' what like their Adult father who chose alcohol over them? And probably continues to do so?
If the OP can successfully work a guilt trip, whys she not done this to him to become a better father?

Yes but you should realise that alcoholism affects family in a way cancer doesn’t. Dying of cancer is extremely sad and upsetting for the family but it isn’t a toxic presence the way an alcoholic is. It doesn’t cause violence and abuse, it doesn’t turn people into selfish arsehole monsters, it doesn’t make kids and partners terrified for their safety. It can’t be compared.

As the child of an alcoholic I'd say do not contact them. You're making your choices as to how involved you want to be in minding him and that's in your gift. What he will have put his family through, leading them to the point of no return will have been traumatic for them . You don't get to intervene in how they've decided to live their lives.

In terms of what help you can get him, he will now just be in and out of hospital, if my dad was anything to go by. A pp mentioned social services. They actually did intervene with my dad and got him a state funded care home especially for brain damaged alcoholics (the kind of brain damage you get from being an alcoholic), but that was now 25 years ago, I'd be surprised if they have the resources to do the same these days. The salvation army has been mentioned above too, they were very helpful with my dad but not in the later years where his decline was rapid. Worth getting in touch with them though if you feel inclined to.

Finally you need to look after yourself. Alcoholism is an evil disease and there are no brownie points being handed out for being the martyr helping him through (I know because i had a martyr phase myself). Ultimately you'll get no thanks from him for intervening and the whole situation might just bring you to your knees. I'd keep the situation at a distance, check in at set times , and accept you can't change him or the situation.

I feel your helplessness in your situation to care for someone who has clearly not cared enough about it his own life to ensure that in his sick days he has preserved his family enough so that he doesn’t end up alone.

Unfortunately all of which you are going through is a direct result of the addiction and not because of anybody else’s decision.
We too are going through a tough situation mostly self inflicted by the person for which we now need to care for and a therapist friend reminded me that you are not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm and I suspect that is what his ex wife did for herself and her kids. You can inform the children but then they need to decide what is right for them… and be aware that what they decide may not sit well with you in spite of how you feel they should behave.

Leave it to the professionals for end of life care. I cannot see how rehab could help him.
His children are adults and know how to contact him if they want to. I am sure they know that alcoholics who don’t stop drinking die of it eventually so it won’t be a great shock to them.
Look after yourself. He will die but you have to live afterwards. Make sure you have support. And remember always the three Cs. You didn’t cause this, you can’t control this, you can’t cure this.

I agree.

Op you are a very good, kind lady but there is a limit to what you can do.

I wish him peace, poor soul. Addiction is a terrible, destructive illness.

Remember always, he was once a lovely little boy.

You need to give his family the opportunity to actively agree not to say goodbye

His family have chosen to estrange themselves from him completely.

When you cut off all contact with someone and make it impossible for them to get in touch - whether they are in poor health or not - you already are actively agreeing that you won't say goodbye, when the time comes. They know he's a drunk and they knew when they chose to cut him off that there was a good chance his drinking would kill him and that he wouldn't be able to reach them if it got to that point. They've already actively made that decision.

Exactly.

That’s a dévastating situation OP, you are a good person to continue to care about him.

You have two options: step away completely, or continue to contact services that will give him the care he needs (and that it is their duty to provide). Giving that care yourself is not an option.

The DC are adults. The ex-wife may have supported them in cutting themselves off from him, but it is their choice. Don’t intervene. It will do neither him nor them any good now.

Addiction is a bitch 😔

Do you have money to pay rehab privately?

Society of St Vincent de Paul can advise - are you able to say which county or area broadly that you are in? They’ll help the most desperate cases.

Sounds like rehab is an option that is a few years too late. If his children are adults I would imagine that the guy is not on the young side of life and it sounds like his body is giving up. This is very hard to come back from and it sounds like the poster has determined that it’s just a matter of time.