When an alcoholic has no family and near the end

[dutchTulips]

I’m in a situation that I am the closest person to someone in what I think is end stage.
His ex-wife is estranged from him and she also changed the phone numbers of their two adult children in their 20’s.
I’ve given significant support, taken him to A&E twice, to the dr, spoken multiple times with his affection counsellor, with social care and with the local Mental Health team.

But the resources are so stretched for support. There just isn’t enough help available.

This is going to be a situation that he will die at some point in this year, utterly alone, house completely wrecked, and one of these services will find him days later.

I care a lot about him. What do I do? Part of me feels I should attempt to contact his adult children and let them know of the severity, and especially what they can do - reach out to him and let him know that they miss him, care about him and would like to have contact of some sort. I know he is longing for that.

Or do I just leave him in the hands of social care and mental health?

It is so upsetting to see. I saw him on Sunday. He was naked from the waist down and no awareness of his nakedness, he barely recognised me, he was clearly incubated.
He is no longer using his phone. He isn’t changing it.

He used to be my partner, so I loved him very much. I still do. But when I realised how bad his addiction to alcohol was, I said to him gently that he needed to focus on his health first, as a priority, get support and treatment for alcoholism, rather than pursue a relationship.

But I can’t just walk away knowing that both his parents died, he has no siblings, his ex-wife absolutely hates him and turned both children against him too. The three of them have all unfollowed/friended him in social media. But all of this is coming from the mother, not the children.

What do I do? There is no such thing as NHS rehab. What about a care home?
He has no food in his house and no ability to look after himself. Even simple things like put laundry in the washing machine.
I think he is close to death. Rotten laundry in the washing machine, malnourished, weak and living on vodka.
I don’t even know if he will make another trip to the grocery store to restock his vodka.

I spoke to the mental health team on Sunday night and they said that they were going to send an ambulance for a welfare check. That never happened.
I drove to his house last night. I cried on my way there, not knowing what I was going to find. He was alive but passed out on the sofa. The mental health team then phoned me to find out what I saw, they advised me to step out of the house as not to put myself at risk and they said they would phone an ambulance as his life was at immediate risk.

What do I do? I just cannot walk away knowing that there is not a single other person who will check if he is ok.

I agree with Mumtobabyhavoc. They could be told, gently, in a letter, stressing no reply necessary, and then it is up to them.

But you didn't grow up the child of an alcoholic parent like many of us did.
He made his own bed. If you feel sorry for him,you help him, but his ADULT children should be left alone and his ex wife is not to blame, so just STOP!!!

You've literally just quoted the OP saying she's realised it's wrong to contact the adult children. So no need for the ott JUST STOP!!

Who put 50p in you?

I didn't see blame towards exw? OP said no ill feelings to anyone.
Some of us, like me, are adult children of addicts. I was estranged from a parent for this reason, but managed a reconciliation before my parent died. It didn't take away the hurt before that, but it did allow for a few things to get cleared up which unburdened me to a degree. I'm grateful for that.

We all handle it differently. I waIted until my father died then went and pissed on his grave.
To be fair, while I was still with him, he handed me over to his mates to sexually abuse me in exchange for money to buy more alcohol. I was 5 years old at the time.

I didn't see blame towards exw? OP said no ill feelings to anyone.

Did you read the opening post? Gems such as this:

his ex-wife absolutely hates him and turned both children against him too.

The three of them have all unfollowed/friended him in social media. But all of this is coming from the mother, not the children.

The Op was also absolutely going to guilt trip the children as per this from the opening post:

Part of me feels I should attempt to contact his adult children and let them know of the severity, and especially what they can do - reach out to him and let him know that they miss him, care about him and would like to have contact of some sort. I know he is longing for that.

The children are adults in their 20's who have blocked him and unfollowed him on social media and yet somehow that is the ex-wife's fault. If the children had wanted to remain in contact they would have done.

It's not OP's responsibility to "deny" or give his adult children information about his current situation. If you choose to cut contact with a parent you know that means not being informed of emergencies or at end of life. To contact them in this situation would be disrespecting their clear choice.

OP wrote:

his ex-wife absolutely hates him and turned both children against him too. The three of them have all unfollowed/friended him in social media. But all of this is coming from the mother, not the children.

ETA: xd with SadOrWickedFairy

So sorry to read that Flopsythebunny. I salute you for your final act of revenge.

Does he have any money and do you have a key? In times of crisis I go into practical mode and I think I would be sorting out his house and getting some professional cleaners in to deep clean it. That was my first thought. Sorry you're going through this. Xx

Holy fuck. I'm sorry. No words.

Wont the hospital/MH services contact his next of kin - which would his dcs?

Sorry I’m a bit clueless there.

Not necessarily, nok is not always listed and it can be anyone who the person puts down. The hospital could ask the gp , mh team, look through previous notes to see if there's anyone listed and the police can inform them but its not op responsibility, if there's no nok then if he dies then the hospital and council can make all the arrangements unless op wants to take all that on.

My father was an alcoholic. My mother and he had split up when I was very young but for a while he did sort of try to keep in touch. As time went on the contact from him became rarer and rarer. I kept adjusting my expectations of him down until, by the time I was in my early 20s, my expectations finally reached zero. It was a long and painful journey to get to that point but it seemed like the only rational way of dealing with his disinterest. I'd get an almost incoherently drunk phone call from him every year or two but that was it. He was very handsome, smartly dressed and incredibly charming but the only thing that really mattered to him was propping up a bar and talking bollocks with his piss-artist mates.

Once I had my own children I reappraised my relationship with my father and decided that he could get fucked. There's no way I could turn my back on my own children the way he did with me and my brother. It wasn't my mother "poisoning" my view of him. It was all down to him and his failures.

He eventually drank himself to death. I wasn't surprised. I felt a bit out of sorts for a week or two while I got used to the idea but, really, he'd been dead to me for years.

He has caused the estrangement because alcohol won over his family, it's not fair to say thr ex wife has forced adult children into no contact, they are protecting themselves. M sorry that he isn't getting any support, but he also obviously doesn't want help or to change, and yes will probably drink himself to death. If you continue contact you will probably be the one who finds him, because he hasn't currently got the desire or the strength to change, but it isn't fair to judge others who do not want to watch him destroy himself

I wouldn't contact his family in the hope they will help, but I might be tempted to tell them when you are sure he has short weeks/days to live, so they can choose how they want to deal with that information.
You haven't mentioned if he is jaundiced ?, at the end stage of liver disease people tend to be an almost luminous yellow, including the whites of their eyes. Alcoholics can hover on the just looking like absolute shit for quite a while before their liver completely stops being able to function even slightly, it really is a beast of an organ !
What I am trying to say kindly is that this particular stage can last quite a while, you really need to think about how this is going to impact your life for however long that lasts

Thank you all.

Like someone said, I go into practical mode. It’s natural for me to try and solve a problem and seek help with/for someone else. It’s just my personality to care for people, genuinely, and invest in lives.

What I found difficult is the situation where the family is really not involved at all. And I just mean that, someone who is so destructive to themselves- it’s rare that they are completely on their own. Usually there is still one odd friend or one worried family member. And the only reason why I stepped in and helped in February and didn’t walk away, when he had his previous relapse, was because I very quickly realised that nobody else was involved at all. Literally nobody.
This time around I am much more equipped in knowing what to do, who to call, which referrals to make, what/who to chase. Instead of doing it all myself.

And yes, I didn’t grow up as a child of an alcoholic so have no idea what it’s like & the damage that had been done. I am sorry for what you have gone through if this was your reality.

But my initial thought was that the adult children should have the right to know if is near the end. And yes, with no expectation to respond.
But reading the responses here- I won’t contact them. Also, I just do not know how close to the end it is?? I don’t know if it’s weeks or months or what. The trouble is also, I don’t have any of their numbers. What I do know is that all 4 of them used to be on the same mobile family contract on the same network, under his account. And he paid for it. But the mother moved herself and the children to a new mobile provider. I don’t know the ins and outs of this. Could be that they were worried about his unemployment, or that the contract was in arrears. I don’t know. To me it’s strange because I don’t understand why they all didn’t have their own contracts to start with. Never mind. That’s besides the point.

Someone also asked what he wants right now and whether we wants help. First of all, I think he really wants to die. A couple of weeks ago on two separate occasions he talked about suicide. But right now he is too weak to do anything or plan anything. Second, in terms of his children. He really misses them. Particularly the one. He wants to have contact with them. He wants to message them but can’t at the moment because their numbers don’t work since June. Third, in terms of IF he wants help. No, he does not want help. When the mental health team and social workers turn up, and when he is able to respond and open the door, he turns them away. He is very much in denial about how serious the addiction is.

I think we need to be mindful not to the judge a family or ex-wife or adult children (or me), if we do not know the full situation. I can write a a lot about him, what lead to at least some of it all, and about her, her struggles, what she told me when she phoned me, who took 280k from his bank account when he was unwell etc etc. I’m not going to go in too much detail.

The point of it all is just not to judge someone (or me) if you don’t know the full history.

I found myself in a situation where I didn’t want to be, and had no experience of alcoholism. I tried my best to help and offer practical help. Even things like sorting out a plumber so he could shower. Basic life stuff. If there was just one other person or friend in his life, I could walk away. It would be easier.
But I am starting to distance myself, looking after myself, putting myself first. Eg, last night when I was there, I didn’t stay there whilst the ambulance was on its way. It was upsetting to see but I left and came home. Today, the mental health team phoned me twice. Back in February I would’ve waited there with him for 3 hours until the ambulance came. No longer the case.

It has opened my eyes in just how addictive and destructive alcohol can be.

Thanks. I also think it might still be a few months and not days/weeks. But I have no idea! I don’t think he looks jaundiced at the moment.

@dutchTulips - you are the 'one odd friend. '

It’s just my personality to care for people, genuinely, and invest in lives.

Most people who do just that wouldn’t claim it like that. There’s something that feels off about your involvement in this situation. You sound like you potentially have pronounced codependent traits. Might be worth looking into.

It's like this:

Imagine one day you're at the seaside, walking along a pier, and you see someone jump into the sea. They're laughing at first but then they start to struggle. My god, they could be drowning! You, being the compassionate and kind person you are, jump in to save them. You drag them out and dry them off and make sure they're ok. Your clothes are wet and your hair is a mess but, come on, they could have drowned! It was worth it. Anyone would do the same.

They assure you they'll be fine and just as you're walking off to get on with what you were doing, they jump in again. Once again they start off having fun but, once again, they start struggling and spluttering. You jump in and save them once more. This time, as well as getting soaked again, you also lose your phone and one of your shoes. When you get them back to safety maybe you're a bit more forceful with them. You tell them that they're being irresponsible. You tell them how much of an impact they're having on your life and that they need to stop doing it. They're all meek and apologetic and assure you that they'll not do the same again. Satisfied that this time they'll actually do the right thing, you turn and walk away to try to get on with what you were there to do.

Behind you, you hear a giggle and then a splash...

That's what it's like. That's why people get burned out and eventually leave them behind. I'm sure your friend used to have lots of friends and family who tried to help him, tried to help him save himself, but eventually realised the cold hard truth of alcoholism:

He's an adult. He's doing what he wants to do. You and I can look at him and his life and know that if he stops drinking then things would turn around for him. But the fact of the matter is that he doesn't agree. Nor does he have to.

He can spend the rest of his life drunk out of his mind and you have neither the legal nor moral right to insist that he stops drinking and lives his life the way you think he should. Instead, your choice is how close you want to be while he's living his life the way he chooses to. You can continue having a ringside seat if you wish. But you don't have to.

And I just mean that, someone who is so destructive to themselves- it’s rare that they are completely on their own. Usually there is still one odd friend or one worried family member. And the only reason why I stepped in and helped in February and didn’t walk away, when he had his previous relapse, was because I very quickly realised that nobody else was involved at all. Literally nobody.

But you are clearly this missing person who means they are not on their own. If you still care then you can be there holding their hand as they die. This is a role you seem to have chosen for yourself.

Is he conscious at all? Don't mean to trigger anyone but if he is Catholic, please get a priest to give him the last rites (and Confession). You're preparing him for death at this stage. It's very, very sad.

Don't drag his children into it. If you want to go do this to yourself then that is your choice.
He is living with the consequences of his choices. His children don't talk to him as a consequence of his choices, don't blame their mother.