On A Mission To Moderate or Absolutely Abstaining? Join us for encouragement, support and non - judgemental chat *2024*

[Swannyb]

@amdone123 @mj20 @touty @Hohofortherobbers @Coppergate7 @bigbus @colouringindoors @wellitywellness @Atacamadesert @Freezingfeetwarmheart @WouldRatherBeAPieceOftToast @Hohofortherobbers @mickandrorty @Mykittensmittens @afaloren @NoTeaNoShade @CrackersCheeseNoWinePlease @LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE @Needtokickthehabit @OhShitImNearly40 @Nowstrong @enoughisenough4

I went out yesterday to a matinee and had a few drinks at the theatre then half a bottle of wine with dinner then stopped drinking - came home and had a soft drink and did not eat lots of rubbish so that’s a win. I still somehow managed to have 9 units spread over a long time from 1.30pm until 8.30pm. I thought id done quite well, especially stopping because in the past I would have opened a bottle when I got home. But disappointingly I woke up at 2am feeling super anxious, palpitations and panicky. I haven’t done this for ages. Thinking it I should have had less at the theatre- it’s just a real trigger for me and I can’t imagine enjoying it as much without a drink which is a sad state of affairs! In the past I’ve been to the theatre on my own (which I really enjoy) and bought a bottle of wine with two glasses to pretend that I’m not drinking all that by myself! Luckily I wouldn’t do that now.

@touty sorry to hear that you are not feeling great. I don’t know how old you are but I’m 47 and I have lots of thoughts about what I’ve done with my life and where I’m going with it. It feels like all these things I thought I’d do and see are slipping away from me and I’ll be stuck in this place forever. But I’m lucky that I like my job and my kids are all at secondary school now so perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel. I also seem to be waiting until I lose weight to do anything but that’s ridiculous because I never really lose the weight! Could you move to a quieter area of the Uk - maybe a small town by the sea?

I feel like we should be rewarded for the drinks we didn’t have instead of punished for the ones we did have!

Hi old friends!
@Swannyb @Hohofortherobbers @Amdone123 @Freezingfeetwarmheart so my spectacular return to the group follows waking up at 4am feeling super anxious after a big night! Which is only “a bottle of wine” enjoyed at home over the course of the night, but realistically that is too much for me (and my mental health)!!

I dipped out of the group recently as life has been busy and I’ve been ok. Drinking here and there, not moderating but feeling ok about the balance. However I think my intakes been gradually creeping up and now my Friday night bottle of wine habit is back, smoking when I drink, and talking rubbish on the phone. The very reason I started this thread many years ago!!!

lots going on with mine and hubby’s family so I get I’m prob looking to relax etc but this doesn’t help me, particularly the next day when I’m worried about what I said, feeling guilty etc etc. The physical symptoms of panic are just horrible too! I hate this!

it’s funny how this group is a safety net for me in that sense. A safe space to return to when I feel I’ve let myself down (extreme I know, but that’s how drinking affects my mental health)! I know many will say a bottle of wine a week isn’t a problem, but it makes me feel so hideous in the hours/ day after that I come back to the old conclusion I shouldn’t drink.

anyway I’ve had a glass of water and now plan on reading back through the archives to catch up on everyone’s news. Hope everyone’s ok xxx

@Mj20 hi, lovely to hear from you. Welcome back - I think it's great when people pop on and off.
It's so strange you say that about the 1 bottle. I had 'just the one' on Thursday night. I was ok with that at the time. Yesterday was a disaster, so tired, felt ill, ate a load of rubbish. I can't even do 1 anymore it seems.
Anyway, I'll keep trying.
P.s I'm a nana of 2, now. She's 4 months old ❤️

Hi @Amdone123 ty for the reply, lovely to hear of you! Yes exactly that… I felt I ok last night, but feeling so awful in the night makes me feel anxious that I must of been awfully drunk (which I wasn’t)! Anyway, I got back to sleep about 5.30 and dozed and have woken feeling not quite as terrible! Trying to reframe it and be a bit kinder to myself!!!!
Aw nana of 2, I think baby had just been born last time we were messaging!
How have you been getting on?
i noticed @touty is still here too and was sorry they aren’t feeling great!
also @Bigbus sounds like you felt similar to me recently, and in the dark hours of the night that felt a comfort to me, but I’m sorry your going through this too! Xxx

@Mj20 yes I had a very similar experience and it was but nice. I used to get it a lot, I remember once at Alton Towers in the Woodland Lodge whilst everyone else was asleep sitting outside and wondering if I was going to have to call an ambulance! Since joining this thread and learning to moderate a bit better I’ve hardly had it so Thursday night was a wake up call and definitely helped last night when the wine witch was talking in my ear - I didn’t fancy the night time panic again!

@Bigbus its a great deterrent isn’t it, and for me there seems no rhyme or reason to when I get it, but I do no the more I drink the more likely it is to happen! Going to go sober for a bit again. Thanks for messaging xxx

@Mj20 well, you did really well when you went af for a time, so you can do it and you know you'll feel better.
It's a great idea reframing it. Fresh start today, and remember, you didn't kill anyone.
Always a good thing ❤️

Hi everyone,

Yes it can be random how sometimes you are fine on quite a lot to drink, then other times tossing and turning in the night and rough after just a few. And that's when you think is it worth the gamble?

I went out last night with friends and stuck to alcohol free drinks. I had never done that with them coz i'm usually always up for a drink, but was just honest and said it's affecting my sleep too much, so not worth it. I knew the drinks would keep flowing and once I started I would be too busy chatting to switch to AF, so best not to start. We had a late night and I'm a bit tired but grateful that I don't have a hangover with it! Didn't even notice that I wasn't drinking, as you feel like you're just joining in with everyone, so I never felt like I was missing out on anything.

Going to have a couple of drinks tomorrow but want to stick to my weekly units, so fingers crossed!

Sorry to hear about anyone who has been struggling with moderating and battling the cravings. Just write it off and start again. Even if we only change our ways some/most of the time, it is better than none and continuing what we were doing.

@Flumpywoo so true - baby steps all the way. I'm much better than I was, a few years ago.

Well done for your af evening. So glad you enjoyed it and didn't have fomo.
I've met friends during the day and not drank but a night out is a whole different ball park.

@Flumpywoo well done in your AF night out! I am so grateful for feeling well on Saturday mornings now. I feel regretful that I wasted my child-free 20s in London by being hungover all the time. I’m 47 now and youngest is 12 so planning to have my second 20s in my 50s!

@Bigbus I read that as planning to have your 2nd in your 50s ( as in child) 🤣.
My eyes are sore today and I'm not even hungover.

thanks for your encouragement @Amdone123 and @Flumpywoo!!! feeling jealous of all the A/f nights and hangover free mornings so that’s an even bigger sign to get back on the wagon!

I’ve had some fresh air, coffee and a bacon sarnie and I feel ok 🙏🏼 out later for dinner and cinema but staying a/f! Hope everyone rise has a great weekend xxx

@Bigbus hey!

Im 50, so yes I feel that re-evaluation and change is needed. I am from a small town by the sea, problem is a big motorway runs through it. I have been seriously considering getting something in this town, on paper it ticks most boxes, good infrastructure, facilities, public transport etc, close to nature, (everything I miss here on this small island), but, I dont know, there’s something stopping me.

We need to get somewhere really as it looks like OH job will change a bit next year which should mean we have time for ourselves and will not need to be here all winter.

Can I join you? I've read through the whole 31 pages today and love the positivity and support you've shown each other.

I did DJ this year, drank normally for me throughout Feb (about 5 nights per week), and then March has been 10 days on and 13 days AF. I am currently on 8 consecutive AF days. However I have been drinking fairly heavily for at least 13 years with periods of abstinence for pregnancy and a 1 year stint of spontaneous sobriety.

Long term I would like to moderate but I am open minded that AF forever might be the best way forward for me. In the first instance I will try to make it to June. For now I am just trying to focus on what I enjoy about not drinking. I miss the instant relaxation of the wine in the evening but it is not hard for me to abstain at the moment because I am having a huge amount of health anxiety., which I think is related to guilt and shame and obviously fear. The test will be if I begin to feel I have 'got away with it' or if I find out I have done serious damage and get the fuckits. I feel like after all these years I am so bored of swinging from guilt/shame to drinking in denial that it's harmful just because I don't drink until the evening and I am rarely hungover.

@ToleadaBetterlife hi and welcome !
Well done on dry Jan and your 8 days af atm. Are you very much an all or nothing type ? I think I am, but I'm looking to moderate ( though abstaining would be better), but I find I struggle with that. I don't know, it's quite confusing sometimes.
What do you drink ?

@Amdone123 completely all or nothing. Easier to not pour the first glass than stop at one for me. Except I don't know how sustainable it is longterm for me. Because the first time I cave and have something I am very quickly back to all. I drink wine. I could just about imagine moderating being possible if I drank only beers. I quite like a beer in the summer but it's not my drink of choice so maybe would allow for a change of habits. My plan is to take a longish break with a view to working out how to moderate and I have been inspired by the successes on here of counting units etc.

Thank you for the welcome and hope you're having a good weekend

Hello @ToleadaBetterlife welcome to the thread. Since I joined I have cut down a lot. I’m tracking my units at the moment which has actually been really useful and quite horrifying at the same time. Looking back, I must have been drinking soooo many units at my worst. I don’t think tracking units would have worked before I was ready to, because I would have just given up and stayed in denial.

I am hoping to be able to moderate long term rather than go AF. I’m putting off the middle-age health check my GP keeps offering me - partly because I want I lose some weight - but now I’m thinking I should just do it and get a baseline and then things can improve from there.

@Bigbus I would do that if you don't mind me saying. It is like you say, a good base line. Also, we always anticipate the worst ( well I do), but you might be pleasantly surprised and it could give you an inspirational springboard.

@ToleadaBetterlife I drink wine, too. I always drank 2 bottles in one sitting but more recently, it's been 1 bottle then a couple of beers. As beers don't make me want to drink more, I then find I'm stopping.
So, I still get my wine - I just don't get wasted.

@Bigbus Really well done on tracking your units and sounds like that's had a positive effect on the moderation. I have just started using the dry Jan app and i tracked what I thought an average week in Feb might have been. Horrifying. And even that is not as bad as it has been. And then I start multiplying by months and years. I hear ya on the healthcheck. I am too scared. I am thinking if I can put a month or so behind me and the last drink and lose a few lbs then I stand a chance of not having to face awful truths. I feel so cowardly but my anxiety around it is not good. Clearly going is better than not going though so I think you may be right about establishing a baseline and taking it from there.

@Amdone123 I'm at a similar ish level. Mostly not quite 2 bottles but mostly more than 1. Mostly never before 7pm. But I am just bloody exhausted by worrying about it and making promises about it that I don't keep. Exhausted by bad sleep and Today I did an exercise class and I've been listening to the Sober Awkward podcast while doing housework and getting out in the sunshine. Sunday is a trigger day for me because my mind starts to turn to work but it's 8.30pm and I'm in my pjs so that's day 9 done.

Hope there's been some sort of sunshine, literally or otherwise, in everyone's weekend.

@Amdone123 using the beers as a full stop to stop the progression onto bottle no2 sounds like a good plan and that it is working. Well done!

Morning, all. Hope you're all well. I had a great weekend despite the tennis results being grim.
I didn't drink Friday or Saturday, but yesterday we went food shopping and I picked some up.
All good though.
I'm going to abstain now til Friday or Saturday, but I'll definitely drink on one of those days. I'm looking to really concentrate in April as I go away on the 20th.
I'll just keep trying. I'm also really focusing on the positives, so that's been helping.

Well done @Amdone123 thats good moderation x

Hi @Mj20 ! It’s so good to hear from you, it sounds like you’re doing okay (more or less). I’ve been close to AF for around 1 - 2 months and I’m at a point where I almost feel scared about the prospect of having midnight anxiety, being bloated, feeling rubbish etc. That’s not to say I don’t miss having some drinks with my DH and friends!

@ToleadaBetterlife Welcome! I find going AF for a little while is the best way forward. I feel when you’re moderating you are still counting down until that one day you’re allowed to drink. A break is a good way to remind yourself there is another way!

@Amdone123 How are you?