I'm so fed up of this cycle 😞 ....

[Ceecee1983]

Hi,
I've stumbled across here so I can talk anonymously and feel no judgement. It's nice to get it all down and unload tbh.

I'm 39, work full time, very happily married and have daughters, 11 and 16. Lovely house and life yet this part of my life I can't seem to tackle for more than a few days before rewarding myself with the same thing that makes me feel the way I do. I drink cos im sad and im sad cos I drink. Annoying!!!

I first started drinking at home about 9 years ago. A bottle of wine would last the week and id enjoy it. Seems crazy to me it would last so long considering I only get 2 glasses out of a bottle now and it doesnt touch the sides. Im not proud of that. Im now doing a bottles a night, if not wine - half a bottle of vodka cos id somehow convinced myself it was better for me as it was less calories when in theory, I was drinking just the same.

I dont drink to get drunk and If the wine/vodka runs out - oh well, time for bed. I wont drink the other alcohol in the house etc. There's lots of stuff in the house I dont like, I wouldnt dream of drinking so I guess i have some level of control, not sure what that means exactly.

I dont drink in the mornings, never have unless we're at the airport. Midweek, I like a drink from 4ish until about 11pm. Weekends I can start earlier. I still so everything im meant to and I can afford to keep drinking this way, I just dont want to! I dont like what i see in the mirror as I've gained weight from drinking, not food. My diet is incredible but I'd happily skip a meal if it means I can have a large pinot instead. It's making me so sad but I always find myself with 2 bottles in my basket and im home, it's poured and I promise myself we go again whilst enabling myself with todays excuses. - Its been a tough day at work, the girls are being a pain, you need to relax, your husband is working late etc. I'm so done with my own bullshit!!

I've been to AA twice and it's not for me, i felt worse when I left after hearing everyone elses problems, im not into it! There's no way i'll go the doctors either, I need to do this alone or with a sponsor which i would love.

Can anyone point me in the right direction please? How do I get one without AA?

If you got this far, thank you - I appreciate it so very much

xx

I found the sober Time app really incentivising. It breaks down the time you’ve been sober into seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks…

I used to look at it every day at first, now I don’t look at it at all, which is progress in itself.

Just checked…Day 893.

If I can do it, literally anyone can.

CeeCee! I am SOOOOOOOOOOO proud of you! Well done! You're doing great!

How’s it going @Ceecee1983 ?

I climbed back on the wagon after my slip up last week. Pretty proud as in the past if I have a drink it immediately goes back to everyday drinking so please i managed to drink on one day and then not again.
My dream is that I don’t stop all together but rather save it for a couple of times a month. Im not sure if that’s possible yet. I definitely don’t want to be thinking about booze all the time which I think often happens if i’m trying to moderate

@BoozeHound Thank you so much 😘

Im still here, still sober and I honestly feel great. Im losing inches but staying the same in weight, its so weird haha Not posted in a few day as i've been super busy with work, parents evenings etc. Ive also found a lovely AF free bottle of fizz from Sainsbury's so I had that last night with a nice meal.

Again, just taking it day by day but so far so good. Im sure my triggers will raise their ugly head soon and i'll decide there and then how to deal with them but all good and thanks so much for all the support and for checking in on me.
Your messages are amazing xx

I know where you're coming from 100%. The energy and time we give the alcohol thought process is crazy!! Good luck, keep going. You can do this xx

Oh I was just checking back in! Go you!!!

you need a reward!!!! How about start collecting something, like cool little silver beads or something, make a necklace :)

Look at the immense progress you have made in 11 days, you should be so proud of yourself going from posting & asking for help, to taking positive action. It really is to be applauded :-)

I'm 26 days in now and the last few days I have been having thoughts about trying to moderate again. The weird thing is that I don't want to? But it takes a while to get rid of that voice. I'm fine today, but just so you are aware. I'm finding that not thinking about it "forever" helps, genuinely just take it one day at a time x

@nzeire Thanks so much, im genuinely so proud of myself. Not every evening is easy but every morning is. That feeling of clarity cant be matched!

My reward is some new shoes, cant wait! 😏

@Steppered 26 days is incredible - WOW!!

Keep pushing, you're smashing it! Yeah I get the thoughts when i have the mildest trigger in life. Literally the devil on your shoulder - so annoying! Here always for a chat of you feel like a drink etc, i appreciate your help x

How was your weekend CeeCee? x

@Steppered Hey! Ahh it was good thanks. I went out to afternoon tea and was presented with a glass of prosecco. I put the glass down multiple times then picked it up to cheers and decided to have the small flute. Wow, it wasnt how i imagined it tasted. It took me about an hour to drink, didnt go down well as all but I felt so in control. Not touched a drop since. Can't believe i thought i enjoyed it as much as I did. I've also lost 5lbs in weight too so thats a huge incentive for me. haha

How are you getting on? x

Well done, that's great, you are doing so well. I'm at day 34 today which is my longest ever sober streak. Jealous of your 5lb loss! Have a good weekend x