I'm so fed up of this cycle 😞 ....

[Ceecee1983]

Hi,
I've stumbled across here so I can talk anonymously and feel no judgement. It's nice to get it all down and unload tbh.

I'm 39, work full time, very happily married and have daughters, 11 and 16. Lovely house and life yet this part of my life I can't seem to tackle for more than a few days before rewarding myself with the same thing that makes me feel the way I do. I drink cos im sad and im sad cos I drink. Annoying!!!

I first started drinking at home about 9 years ago. A bottle of wine would last the week and id enjoy it. Seems crazy to me it would last so long considering I only get 2 glasses out of a bottle now and it doesnt touch the sides. Im not proud of that. Im now doing a bottles a night, if not wine - half a bottle of vodka cos id somehow convinced myself it was better for me as it was less calories when in theory, I was drinking just the same.

I dont drink to get drunk and If the wine/vodka runs out - oh well, time for bed. I wont drink the other alcohol in the house etc. There's lots of stuff in the house I dont like, I wouldnt dream of drinking so I guess i have some level of control, not sure what that means exactly.

I dont drink in the mornings, never have unless we're at the airport. Midweek, I like a drink from 4ish until about 11pm. Weekends I can start earlier. I still so everything im meant to and I can afford to keep drinking this way, I just dont want to! I dont like what i see in the mirror as I've gained weight from drinking, not food. My diet is incredible but I'd happily skip a meal if it means I can have a large pinot instead. It's making me so sad but I always find myself with 2 bottles in my basket and im home, it's poured and I promise myself we go again whilst enabling myself with todays excuses. - Its been a tough day at work, the girls are being a pain, you need to relax, your husband is working late etc. I'm so done with my own bullshit!!

I've been to AA twice and it's not for me, i felt worse when I left after hearing everyone elses problems, im not into it! There's no way i'll go the doctors either, I need to do this alone or with a sponsor which i would love.

Can anyone point me in the right direction please? How do I get one without AA?

If you got this far, thank you - I appreciate it so very much

xx

You’re doing so well! Well done! You should be really proud of yourself

Thank you so much @DuncanBiscuits, @Ladybug14 ,@radrado
😘😘 xx

Well done you... that's amazing. I'm feeling fresh too.. I was at work yesterday and I'm late shift today, normally that's my free pass to have a few wines... but I didn't.

Well done @Ceecee1983 you’re doing amazingly!

Just a word of warning about weight loss, when I’ve had a dry month of 6 weeks in the past I haven’t lost anything purely from not drinking. In those dry spells I’ve eaten really good nourishing food but not tried to eat less calories per se but expected to loose weight as wasn’t having the alcohol calories. I’ve lost maybe a pound or two at the most and felt quite disappointed. Just wanted to warn you as the lack of weight loss has definitely contributed to me falling off the wagon in the past.

I will say that not drinking does make it a lot easier to loose weight if you also diet in some way, you have so much more will power not to snack on crap etc. I know I can’t deal with hunger at all when I’m hungover but found being hungry is a fairly essential part of weight loss so much easier when you’re sober.

Sorry to bang on about weight loss, just don’t want you to be de motivated.

This is actually a great help, thank you!!

I've actually found focusing on my nutrition a distraction which as been good. Meal planning and batch cooking etc.

xx

Yes!!! Well done to you too 👏🏻👏🏻 xx

Thanks @berksandbeyond Im really happy with how well its all going xxx

* DAY 4 *

🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

I'm feeling less tired and have more energy for sure!

Not really sure what I'm meant to be feeling or expect with each day tbh.

I'm aware it's friday which is usually my favourite day to chill, order food and enjoy that wine a little more than normal. Not tonight though - I'm not going to do it! I wont ruin my intentions. I've told my DH my plans and hes backing me all the way. Nobody else has picked up im not drinking yet which is weird but good I guess.

Have a great Friday everyone xx

The trick at this stage is not to start thinking that it's been easy, you feel fine, so why not 'just have a couple' as a reward for being so good. Honestly, I'd be surprised if you don't get those 'permission thoughts' one day soon.

Don't give in to them under any circumstances😀

Have a great weekend.

That’s very true @ShyMaryEllen i did that last night, I thought I’ve done so well and really not thought about alcohol that much, I might as well have a glass or two with my friend.
I drank well over a bottle, my daughter woke up at 5 and I’ve felt completely dire all day. Also eaten crap so sabotaged my weight loss 😬 I absolutely can not have one or two glasses.

I didn’t even enjoy it that much. I’m really struggling to see the point of drinking now. I’m getting very close to thinking enough forever.

well done @Ceecee1983 you’re doing brilliantly, keep thinking about how nice it will be to wake up totally fresh on a Saturday morning? Are you trying for a certain amount of time or aiming to stop completely?

@ShyMaryEllen Oh I dont doubt that for a second but just incase I got urges or felt like I was 'missing out' as I've purposely not gone out to a friends party today, I've purchased a bottle of £3 0% alcohol from sainsburys. I know not all my days will feel as good as they have but im doing one day at a time and up to now, it's working.

xx

@BoozeHound How long had you not drank for before last night? It's so easy to slip back into old habits, we have this need to always reward ourselves for simply taking care of ourselves. Are you a big drinker?

Oh I know, i cant remember the last weekend I didnt drink. Probably about 8 years ago🤯 I have a big family party at a venue on Sunday so that will be the real test.

I havent put a time on it yet cos if I say NEVER AGAIN, I know how my mind works - I'll be overwhelmed and potentially self sabotage. Like when you go on a diet and say no more cake - you now want ALL the cake haha. Just going for a day at a time with the aim to have a completely different outlook on drinking.

Dont beat yourself up over yesterday, it's done now. xx

Happy Saturday *

First sober Friday in years and it felt good! The one thing I'm grateful for whilst being AF is the sleep and non withdrawal effects. Some suggested I may become in a bad way and no sleep, shake etc but I must be very lucky as ive not had any physical side effects yet. Im sleeping deeply, 8hrs a night, feel strong, energetic, mood feels good, no shakes etc. Still no weight loss yet despite being in a calorie deficit but I am starting to look a little leaner, way less bloated, face looks less puffy etc.

All great positives for me to carry on and continue.

Have a great day all xxx

That’s great. It took me nearly a week for calm sleep. You have a good day too.😀

Good for you!!! It took me a few months for my sleep to improve. I had crazy dreams. And I was only drinking 1/3 to 1/2 bottle per night. Awesome - keep going! xxx

You are doing it!!!!

fantastic. Keep posting, be accountable I found was super helpful!

good on you x

I loved the crazy dreams! It felt like going to a mystery cinema screening every night. And I could remember them in the morning, too.

You sound so positive, OP. It's great that you are bouncing through.

Same here.. I battle this problem and it started around age 25. It started with the fear of failure and basically being poor. At the time I had just moved out to my own apartment but I was a contractor and terrified that we would lose the contract which therefore, wouldn’t be able to pay the bills or keep a roof over my head or my child’s head. It started off slowly from a glass of wine to a bottle over the course of 2 years after my child went to sleep. Somehow I justified that it was okay as long as no one saw me doing it. Then I stopped for a long while and then about 3 years ago slid the slippery slope right back down to the bottle. This time around I can manage to go 3-4 days between and only half a bottle but damn it am I just pure pissed at myself knowing how hard it was to stop the first time. And, just like you the guilt kills me and I generally wake up with alcohol anxiety every time and it’s the vicious cycle of making deals with myself and the lord that “that time” was the last time just to do it again 3-4 days later. Hopefully we can get out this together because it really is awful and the shame makes it hard to talk about. Good luck and I’ll pray for your sobriety & success!

Amazing @Ceecee1983 ! So pleased for you. No reason to drink alcohol 👍

Hi OP. I've read most of the thread and well done on looking for some support. You can do it. It may not (probably won't) be linear progression - there will be slips - but just try every day to be better than you were the day before.

I noticed you said this "
As I said earlier, I have had tests done and my liver, kidneys etc are all completely fine. That hasnt given me the green light to continue on this path, quite the opposite which is why im looking for help" a couple of times and wanted to say: you can have normal liver results from blood tests for a long time while your liver is actually deteriorating. My auntie had a major issue last year after 10+ years drinking a litre of gin a day most days. She was vomiting blood (caused by burst varices, which happens when your liver becomes so damaged that blood is forced to circulate through veins too small to cope with the pressure). She spent weeks in hospital and then a month in rehab. She has lapsed a couple of times since but has generally managed to stay sober for 8 months now. She didn't know there was anything wrong with her before this happened. She has serious ongoing health issues now as a result of the damage to her liver.

Unless you have had a scan of your liver done to see what state it's in, don't be complacent as a result of a "normal" blood test. Aside from liver damage, drinking half a bottle of vodka a day will give you raised blood pressure, contribute to raised cholesterol, and of course, increased weight.

There are many forums for support (lots mentioned here) - even this site is a good one. Keep doing your best.

Having seen the horrendous physical consequences of my auntie drinking too much, the idea of what "liver damage" means has become much more real to me and 2023 is going to be the year I massively reduce my drinking too. I'll do a dry Feb with you!

@ShyMaryEllen The dreams are hilarious!! haha Very vivid too.

@1Wanda1 Good for you for you wanting to make a change. I'm on day 7 no alcohol and I feel really good for it. I had my first big test yesterday at a family party and I was drinking tonic water in a gin glass, lots of cie, lemon etc and nobody batted an eyelid. I declined drinks also by saying I was on antibiotics and that was the end of it. Will I stop forever? Im not sure but im enjoying this so far, you will too! It literally is one day at a time and planning ahead for the moments you may struggle.

My kids havent mentioned me not drinking alcohol once but have noticed the fridge full of coke zero haha

Day seven!
fantastic stuff! Xxx

Day 7 well done! I've decided to get a head start on "dry Feb" by starting today. Incentivising myself to stick to it by having decided to keep the smaller of 2 sizes of a nice pair of trousers I ordered in the sales. The larger size is a bit too roomy overall but fits the waist. The smaller size fits well everywhere but is a bit tight in the waist. If I lose 5kg they will be perfect. Reckon I can do that with a few weeks alcohol-free.

I am so pleased and relieved to see your thread appear op with such amazing news.

I felt bad about my post because it just seemed bleak and not what you wanted to hear.

I know alcoholics who quit, and alcoholics who moderate. The moderating alcoholics are locked into a constant, exhausting battle with an opponent who will always win.

You have done amazingly well and I congratulate you. Just keep taking it day by day.